by R. R. Banks
Well, now, I figure, this isn't going to be a problem, because they are gonna feed me and clothe me and give me some of them happy pills and in a few days, somebody will figure out where I am and we can get this all taken care of. But damn if the pills they gave me didn’t just shake my brain up like a blender and I went dumb for a long bit of time. Pretty much the only thing I remember is the nurse lady who gave us our meds had real pretty blue eyes and the orangest hair I ever did see. Pretty lady. Real pretty. Then when they finally let me out of the little room, I didn't know which way was up. They kept putting me in those gowns with the open ass and so, I decided I might as well be naked again. So that got me locked up. Then I got in a fist fight with a poinsettia and apparently that is not acceptable behavior, and I got locked up again. Anyway, so I’m there for God knows how long and finally one day they bring in Kelly Jean. You remember Kelly Jean, Cletus? That kid of Billy Jean’s? He was all sorts of trouble, remember?”
“I do. You two had that feud because he thought that you had stolen his daddy's name. Just wouldn't listen when we tried to tell him that it doesn't count if you don't have the whole name.”
From the front of the plane a howl came from Boom Boom as he barrel rolled the plane again. BillyBob, sensing the turning of the world and everything in it coming, put the beer to his lips and let gravity spill as much into his mouth as it wanted. When the plane was back the right way up, and I had finished my surprisingly expletive-laden prayer to baby Jesus, I kicked the back of Boom Boom's seat.
"I thought you weren't going to do that anymore."
BillyBob smiled at me and gestured with the beer.
“You need a swig?”
“No. Thank you. Don't want anything in my stomach that might want to make a return trip.”
“Alright then. Well, so Kelly recognizes me and says something to one of the people working there, and that causes a ruckus since I hadn’t had the chance to talk to him yet, so they figure I must have been telling the truth all along. With barely an hour between, they give me those paper clothes they give you at a hospital, have me sign some letter about not suing them and kicked me out the door. Well, I figured, I had no damn idea how to get back home, but I sure as hell wasn't going to try to do it in the paper clothes. So, I walked on over to the store and had been trying on clothes when I realized that I didn't have my wallet on me and security was eyeing me. So, I ended up running like hell and got myself lost again. So now I'm in a town I never even heard of and I had no money and nowhere to stay, so I figured I might as well go up to the church up the road and see if they have any clothes."
"If you didn't know where you were, how did you know that there was a church up the road?" I asked.
"Look around you, brother. There is always a church up the road. So, I thought I'd visit and ask if there were some clothes that I could have for charity and maybe get a job somewhere sweeping up, so I could get a room in a day or two and then catch a cab. Well, the church recognized my paper clothes from the hospital I had been staying at and I explained the whole situation to them. I suppose they could have just been nice and offered me a ride home, but instead, they said they might be able to help me out and got me a job working as an assistant for the head nurse, just doing coffee runs and stuff. I was real excited until I found out that the real pretty red-head had quit when she learned what happened with me and I got stuck with this beast of a woman who had a thicker beard than I do. But I figured work is work, and I got to working there and in a few weeks had a paycheck that I could use, and instead of coming home, I figured that while I am out in this new town, maybe I ought to go adventuring a little, and they had a bar and a movie theater and a little general store all right there, so I just rented a motel room for a week or two until I could rest up and figure out how to get home. Well, one thing led to another and six years went by and I lost track of time. And that’s that.”
“That’s that?”
“Yup” BillyBob took a deep swig of his beer, finishing it and crushing the can with his hand, “that’s that.”
"Why didn't you ever call home?"
"You know...I just never quite got around to it."
I have never been so happy to bash my head into something as I was when the wheels of the tiny plane hit the ground and I bounced up and crashed into the ceiling as we landed. The plane was still gliding along like it was trying to find its footing as I clawed at the buckle to my seat belt to get loose. I wanted to be out of that thing as fast as I could the second that it stilled. As soon as my feet hit the ground, I dropped down to sit, drawing in a long breath.
"For a big man, you sure do scream a lot," Cletus said as he walked past me.
"Only when I think of impending death."
Boom Boom scoffed.
"There was no death impending. I told you, I have a license. I know what I'm doing."
"Well, good. That means that you won't have a problem going with these two to the cruise ship to get Holly."
"Oh, no," Boom Boom said, shaking his head.
"What?" I asked, getting up. "You knew that was the plan."
"I knew that you wanted someone to go get Holly. I never said anything about agreeing to be the one to do it."
"What's the problem?"
He looked at me very seriously.
"I don't do boats."
"You don't do boats?"
"No," he said, shaking his head harder. "Nuh-uh. I don't do boats. The last time that I was on a boat it was with BillyBob the day that he invented skinnyfishing. I had tried to tell him that there was no need for a boat in Lake Creek Lake, but he insisted, which of course meant that we got stuck, capsized, and I ended up right there in the freezing ass water, flailing around, and BillyBob fell over and landed on me. That just brought up all my old childhood fears of sea monsters and it just went downhill from there. So, no. No boats. I am a land-dwelling and air-flying man. Besides, you're going to need me to handle the plane so I can get them back to the hollow."
"That's true," I said. "Alright. Here's how it's going to work. I've called the cruise line and told them that you're coming. I'll call again and let them know that it is just two of you. They'll let you aboard at the next port and you'll have staterooms and access to everything."
"How'd you manage that?" Cletus asked.
"It's impressive what money can do," I said. "Speaking of which." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of cash that I split in half and handed to Cletus and BillyBob. "You'll need some clothes to help you fit in on the cruise and you may need other things while you're there, so take this and use it as you need to. You'll have a couple of days to find Holly. Get her and bring her back here by Christmas Eve. But don't tell her that I sent you. I want that to be a surprise. Boom Boom will be waiting for you at the next port city and I'll have a car ready to bring you to the airport to meet him."
"What are you going to do?"
I took a breath.
"Well, first I'm going to take care of a few things in the hollow to get ready for Holly. Then, dear lord, I'm going to get back in that plane and go get Charlie."
The men nodded at me and I felt a spark of hope in my chest. This might just work.
I just have to survive. But for Holly, I can do it.
Chapter Eighteen
Holly
The drink in my hand was nearly empty and I was making my way across the deck toward the bar when I heard something that I didn't think could possibly be coming at me in the middle of the ocean. It was a voice. A voice so distinctive there was no way that there was more than one person in the world that could sound like it. I knew that I had to be imagining it. There was absolutely no way that he was out here on a cruise ship. The sadness that had settled over me and been my constant companion throughout the cruise must have gotten to me so much that I was now hallucinating. Of all things for me to hallucinate, though, this didn't seem like what my mind would have come up with. I heard the voice again, though, and noticed that a few of the people aro
und me were staring in the direction from which it came. I looked around, peering through the crowds milling around on the deck, and finally my eyes landed on the source of the voice.
Holy hell. I was right. It's Cletus. Cletus and a giant man wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a clashing bathing suit, and a trucker hat. That was a vacation visual if there ever was one.
I crept a little closer, not wanting to alert them to my presence yet. I didn't know why they were there or even if they knew that I was on the same cruise, so I didn't want to shock them into an incredibly awkward reunion made all the more uncomfortable by the fact that we were surrounded by nothing but the big open water. When I got close enough to understand what they were saying, I noticed that the bigger man was staring down at Cletus' feet, which looked quite fetching in a pair of black flip flops embellished with glittering clear stones.
“What in the blue hell are you wearing, Cletus?” he asked.
“They’re fancy, aren't they? Real fancy.”
“We were supposed to get some cruise clothes. Not shiny diamond sandals with a thong up between your toes.”
“BillyBob, you know I barely ever wear any shoes at all, but this here's special circumstances. As soon as I stepped up on this here boat, mission or no mission, it was as close to a vacation cruise as I have ever been. So, if a nice rich man gives me a hand full of cash and says go buy some clothes so I can fit in with all the rest of the cruise-goers, by golly, I am gonna get clothes that make me feel like I am on vacation! Besides, these are rhinestone. They sparkle like Ol’ Lady Jessup’s teeth. Make me feel like a real tourist, they do. I just blend right on in with everyone else. Even in the fancy buffets.”
BillyBob? As in the storied missing big brother of Boom Boom Badge, BillyBob? He did look absolutely nothing like Boom Boom, so based on that, the chances were good that it was him.
“Cletus, those flip flops are women’s. Only ladies wear the sparkly ones.”
“Lookit here," Cletus said, pointing down to his feet. "These fit me. They are either made for men or real big women, and either way, I ain’t never had no shiny shoes, so I don’t care. Let somebody say something to me about them. I'll be like ...do you have sparkly shoes? And they'll be like… no. And I'll be like...so which one of us is winning?" He looked completely convinced of the validity of his argument and gave a sharp nod before looking around. "Now let’s get to finding Holly so we can spend the rest of this little trip here relaxing. Maybe we'll get to go back to the hollow looking all crispy like the Christmas turkey.”
Cletus huffed in a manner that explicitly stated the conversation of his shiny flip flops was over and I had to muffle a laugh. He had mentioned my name, so I knew that they actually were here looking for me, but I still didn't know why. I wanted to watch them for a few more minutes and see what they did. BillyBob looked around for a moment before stopping dead in his tracks, his eyes wide as saucers and his mouth hung open. I thought that he might have seen me, but then I realized he was looking past me toward the massive slide that stuck out over the side of the ship and swirled around in circles toward a pool set in the center of the deck.
“Got-dang that looks fun.”
“What does?” Cletus asked, following his gaze.
I stepped back a little further to prevent them from catching sight of me and watched as both men took a few steps toward the slide.
“That slide there. That thing must be a thousand-foot high. Jeeeeeesus! That just about looks like the biggest slide I ever saw, Cletus. It’s bigger than the mudslide we made off the mountain that year it rained so hard.”
“You mean when it flooded the whole dang town and we called it Whisky Pool instead of Hollow?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t nothin’ but a kid back then, but that mudslide was the best thing I ever rode, and that slide over there looks even better. And I'm pretty sure that there aren't any rocks or animal bones in it.”
“BillyBob, you know we ain’t got time to fool with no rides. We only got a day or two to find Holly or else we won’t make it back for Christmas and everybody would be real upset with us.”
“Well, Santa brought me a big ass water slide and I’m going to ride it. You coming?”
“But… I’d have to take off my sandals…”
“Oh, alright. Look. I have an idea. I go get in line, and as I get up to the top there, I can look around,” he cocked his arm and put the side of his hand against his forehead over his eyes like a little boy playing pioneer, “and then I can peer around the boat for her." BillyBob gave an exaggerated bend and appeared to strain to see in the distance. “And from all the hell the way up there, I’d bet my left foot I’d see her. And I'd just keep looking like that until they told me that I had to go. So, then I'd slide down and just keep on looking around.”
“So, what am I supposed to be doing while you're up there looking around and then sliding down?”
“You'd be down here, scouring the deck. Getting the ground view. You see, if I couldn't find her, I'd just run back up and do it again. We'd get both perspectives. I'd be up there getting the sky view, like an eagle. And you'd be down here getting the ground view like a turtle.”
Cletus narrowed his eyes and screwed up his mouth all to one side.
“I don’t quite think I’m as slow as a turtle, Billy Bob.”
“Oh, hell, you ain’t no turtle, okay, alright, you’re a bunny rabbit! Naw. Naw, that's not a whole lot better. A fox? NO! A wolf! You’re a big old lone wolf. Out for prey. And I’m a flyin’ eagle!”
At this, BillyBob spread his arms to the fullest of his wingspan, nearly smacking Cletus in the nose in the process. I laughed, but still not understanding what was going on kept me from fully appreciating the little slice of the hollow that I was getting in front of me. They said that everybody would be upset if they didn't find me and bring me back to the hollow for Christmas. Could it be that those people really had formed enough of an attachment to me that they still wanted me to celebrate the holidays with them? Or was I about to go face a hollow posse sent to string me up for stealing the snowmobile?
Did they do the same thing to snowmobile thieves that they did to horse thieves?
“See, so I am doing us a favor AND working on the mission AND I’m having the fun God obviously intended me to have since he let me put my peepers on that there slide, which clearly wouldn't have happened if he didn't want me to ride on it, thank you Jesus, amen. It’s a win for everybody. So, you go on and hunt for Holly, I’ll go get in line and we will meet back right here by the fancy flip flop store when we have her.”
"You want a pair, don't you?"
"They're growing on me."
“But what if you don’t see her from all the way up there? Isn't everybody just gonna look like ants?”
“Maybe, but maybe I’ll see her on the way down. It’s a long ride, Cletus. If I see her, I’ll just shout ‘Hey! She’s right there!’ and I’ll do my bird call, so you’ll know it was me. Just follow the sound of the bird and we will meet up and grab her!”
“You mean the bird call for the ducks or the geese?”
“I don't know if that really matters.”
“You never know. Might be some geese out this way. What if they call, and then I think it's you and I run for the flip flop store, and you don't ever come?”
“Geese? In the middle of the water?”
“Maybe.”
There was a pause and then BillyBob shook his head, starting to stomp toward the slide.
“Just listen for the damn call, Cletus. I’m going off to get in the line."
When BillyBob walked away, I slipped past Cletus and came up to his side. He didn't notice me, and we stared together in the direction of the slide for a few seconds, watching as BillyBob made his way up into the line. It was surprisingly short for that time of day, likely because everyone had seen the enormous man making a beeline for the slide and decided now would be a better time to do some sunbathing, and he got most of the way up the steps quickly.
Cletus didn't look at me, but shook his head.
"I'm not sure. I don't know about that boy. Maybe his time away really did get into his head this time."
"Where was he, anyway? I thought that he was missing."
"He was missing," Cletus said. "Not that it's the first time. He was just gone extra-long this time. See he had gone off skinnyfishing, but then he up and lost his clothes and ended up chasing a deer butt-ass naked through the woods trying to throw an arrow at it, but that only got him thrown in the --"
