Kurt’s idea was sounding better and better.
Fuck me. I think I was going to agree to marry Kurt Jensen.
That day was the beginning of the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.
I was three days away from falling in love with Kurt Jensen.
********
Chapter 4
Leelee
“Why in the hell are you in California, Leelee?”
“I’m helping Kurt.”
“Kurt? You mean the guy who has been a huge dick to you?” Jay sneered over the phone.
I was standing outside the hospital entrance, my phone pressed to my ear and trying to calm down Jay. I had been in California over a week, and this was the first time I had told Jay I wasn’t home. “You don’t know everything that happened, Jay.”
“Because you won’t fucking tell me what happened.”
“Knock off the cussing, Jay. You’re seventeen years old, not twenty-seven.” I ran my hand through my hair and tried to figure out what I should tell Jay. “He was in a bad car accident, Jay, and I’m here to make sure he’s okay.”
“Is he going to be okay?” No matter what front Jay put on, acting like he hated Kurt, I knew he cared about him.
“The doctors say he should be fine. We’re just waiting for him to wake up.”
“How long have you been there?”
Shit. I was hoping he wouldn’t ask me that question. “I, um, got the phone call a few hours after you left.”
“Lee!” he boomed. “I left eight days ago.”
“I know. I just didn’t want to tell you and have you worry or possibly want to come home.”
“I could have come with you to California so you wouldn’t have been alone.”
“I’m not alone. I have Kurt.”
“Lee! Kurt is the same guy who has been treating you like a disease for the past ten months.”
Ugh, I didn’t need to be reminded how long Kurt had hated me for. “Things change, Jay. I couldn’t leave him here with no one.”
“He has a family, Lee.”
“But they called me. Just don’t worry, okay? I have everything figured out.”
“Yeah, that’s what you said before when you married him. It was all fine until something happened that you won’t tell me. Kurt used to come over all the time and then it stopped. The last time I saw him at the store, he acted like he didn’t even know me.”
“Because Kurt and I both decided that was for the best.”
“You’re married, Lee! Don’t you think you should have some relationship with the guy? I understand you got married so I wouldn’t be shipped off to Aunt Judy’s, but damn. I thought things were going to be different.”
I now felt like shit, even more, knowing Jay thought there was going to be something between Kurt and me. “Don’t say damn.” I needed to have some control in this conversation. “How’s the camp going?”
“It’s fine, Leelee.”
“Just fine?”
“Yes, fine.”
Ugh, I knew that tone in his voice. I wasn’t going to get any more information out of him today. “Call me if you need me. Otherwise, I’ll call you in a couple of days.”
“Let me know if you go home.” He hung the phone up, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. The older Jay got, the more I felt like he was the adult and I was the child.
I shoved my phone in my pocket and sat down on the bench next to the entrance. I needed a break from sitting in that tiny room, but I didn’t want to go too far in case Kurt woke up.
Luke had called me this morning, saying if there wasn’t any change in Kurt by Saturday, he would be flying in so I could go home. I was relieved at his words, but I also didn’t want to go home. At least, I didn’t want to go not knowing if Kurt was okay.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out, seeing Violet had texted me.
Whatcha doing?
Sitting outside.
Hmm. Going stir crazy?
Stir crazy didn’t even begin to describe it. Eh, I’m good right now.
So, Luke just talked to the DR.
And?
He told Luke that Kurt’s wife is taking good care of him.
Fuck. Shit. Fuck. I had been able to get around telling Luke that Kurt and I were married by the doctor referring to me by name and not by relationship with Kurt. Oh.
Is there something you need to tell us, Leelee?
Not fucking really. I have a bad connection, Vi.
You’re texting, Leelee. Knock it off and spill.
I wasn’t going to be able to dodge this any longer. Kurt has a wife.
And I am assuming you are that wife?
Damn, Violet. Yes, Vi. That would be me.
It had taken five minutes before my phone dinged with her next message. Luke changed three shades of red and went upstairs to book plane tickets to California.
Fuck. That was exactly what I didn’t want to happen. You gotta stop him, Vi. Tell him to give me three more days; I need that. I knew as soon as Luke showed up, things were going to get crazy. He was going to want answers, and I wasn’t ready to give them yet.
I’m worried about you, Leelee. So is Luke. I’ll try to hold him off, but just know, it won’t be for long.
Thank God for Violet. Thanks, Vi. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just couldn’t.
I get it, Leelee. But just know, as soon as I see you, your ass is telling me everything.
I didn't respond because I had no idea what to say. Did I want to tell her everything? No. Would I? Yes.
Violet had become one of my best friends, and I would have killed to have known her before Kurt and I got married. She might have been able to come up with a different plan, or at least have been a person to talk to.
Instead, I married Kurt.
Holy hell. Holy fuck. Holy shit.
I looked down at my hand and shook my head. I was married
I was married to Kurt Jensen.
Holy hell.
“You gonna stare at your hand the whole way home?” Kurt asked, a smirk on his lips as he glanced over at me. We were headed back to my apartment in his Camaro, and we were married.
“I can’t believe we just did that.”
It had only been four days since Kurt had suggested his crazy idea of getting married, and now, it was done. That day, Kurt had found a better apartment for Jay and me, filed for a marriage license, and had somehow talked Jay into going along with this whole charade. “You didn’t have to buy me a ring.” I was still staring down at my hand, unable to process the fact Kurt had picked out a ring. It was a white gold band with small diamonds embedded into the band. I had never been into the bling of diamonds, but I had to admit that it was pretty.
Kurt shrugged and turned down the road to my new apartment. “You needed a ring to sell it to those CPS asses. I saw that one, and figured that it would do the job.”
He talked like it wasn’t a big deal he had not only saved Jay and me, he had also bought me a ring just to keep up appearances. “I love it,” I whispered. I had no idea how to react. Kurt acted like this was like any other day, but to me, this was going to be a day I would never forget.
On the surface, I was tough as nails, and normally that was how I felt, but now, I had feelings for Kurt I knew wasn't what I should be feeling right now. “Good, Lee.”
I had no idea what was happening, but I liked it.
Two Weeks Later
“Is Kurt coming over for dinner?” Jay was setting the small table in the dining room, and I was pulling the meatloaf out of the oven.
“Um, I’m not sure. It's racing night tonight.”
“The race doesn’t start until after eight. I bet he’ll be here.”
I set the massive meatloaf on the counter and closed my eyes. I secretly hoped he was coming tonight too, but I didn’t know. He had been over every night since we had gotten married and it was like I was living an entirely different life. I still worked at my shitty job that paid pennies, but we live
d in a much better apartment, and Kurt was always over if he wasn’t working. Things were good, but I was getting worried. Rent would be due soon, and I had no idea how I was going to be able to pay it.
I had asked Kurt if he could see about getting me a job with him, but he had talked over what I had asked and changed the subject. That happened twice, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I didn’t want Kurt to have to support Jay and me. He had helped enough by agreeing to get married to throw off CPS, even though they were still sniffing around and hadn’t closed Jay’s case yet. It was getting better, but I was still worried.
There was a knock on the door and Jay’s face lit up as he opened it and Kurt strode in, high-fiving Jay. “Sup, man. How was school today?” he asked.
“Good. Math blows, but shop was a blast. We have free reign to do any project we want.”
“Nice. I remember when that was our assignment, I had Luke and Kurt help me rebuild an old engine.” Kurt shrugged off his sweatshirt and tossed it over the couch.
“Really? That would be awesome. I’d love to do something like that.”
Kurt and Jay glided to the table, and both sat down. “I can see what we have around the shop. I think we have an old Buick in the back that we could make your project.”
“Hell yes,” Jay beamed. “You hear that, Lee?”
I picked up the meatloaf and set it down on the table. Kurt’s gaze traveled over me, and I felt my cheeks heat under his appraisal. I was still in my work clothes which consisted of dark blue slacks that were too tight on my hips and a light blue button-down shirt. I wasn’t much of a girly girl, but I typically liked my clothes to at least make me look like a woman. “Sounds good, Jay. I bet you’ll get an A easily.”
“Are you racing tonight, Kurt?” Jay asked as he grabbed a roll and ripped into it.
“I planned on it. There are only a couple races left before the finals, so I better get in as many races as I can.”
I pulled up a chair next to Jay and dished out the meatloaf and corn while Jay and Kurt talked about Kurt’s chances of winning. I normally would be right in the middle of talk about cars and racing, but I just sat there, pushing my food around on my plate.
“Why don’t you head to your room and get your homework done?” Kurt suggested, snapping me out of the pity party I was having in my head.
Jay grabbed another roll and headed to his room without one word of protest. It was amazing the way Jay listened to Kurt. If I had suggested that to Jay, he would have sat at the kitchen table for hours just to spite me.
“What’s wrong, Lee?” Kurt asked as he grabbed Jay’s plate and stacked it on top of his.
“Um, nothing,” I lied. I didn’t want to go into this with Kurt. He was so wonderful, and all I wanted to do was yell, scream, and ask him what the hell he was doing to me.
“You coming with me to the race?”
I shook my head no, grabbed my plate, and headed into the kitchen. I wanted to go, but I knew I shouldn’t. Things were changing between Kurt and me, and I thought the less time I spent with him, the better. “I’ve got some things to finish unpacking.” Lame excuse, Lee.
Kurt followed me into the kitchen and dropped his plates into the sink. “Really? I thought we could grab a drink after the race.”
“I have Jay to think of, Kurt.”
“I always used to see you out at the bar after races.”
I shook my head and turned on the faucet. “That was before,” I mumbled.
“Before what?”
I turned to look at Kurt, who was leaning a hip against the counter. “This. Whatever the hell this is.”
“I don’t follow you, Lee.”
“I can’t go out with you, Kurt. I don’t know what the hell I can do anymore. I’m so fucking confused and scared, I don’t know which way is up.”
Kurt crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought things were going pretty well between us.”
“But that’s the thing, Kurt. There is no us. At least to the world, there is no us. You waltz in here, play family with Jay and me, and then you leave. You leave, confusing the hell out of Jay and me, thinking that this is more than a nice guy helping the poor half-Puerto Rican girl and her brother. I appreciate everything you’ve done for us, but I think it’s time to stop playing this charade.” Fuck, it felt good to say that finally, but I could tell Kurt had no idea where I was coming from.
“I’m just trying to help you and get to know Jay better.”
“But why? You don’t have to do that. We never agreed that this was going to happen.”
“What do you think is happening, Lee?” he asked.
“What's going on is that you are here now, Kurt, but for how long? How long until you get sick of saving me and want to go back to your life where you don’t have a wife with a brother that you have to support? Jay is getting attached to you.” He was. God dammit was Jay getting attached to Kurt. And I really couldn’t blame Jay. He never had anyone who was like a father, and genuinely talked to him. Kurt was giving us both things that we had never had before. Jay was getting a father, and I was getting someone to share my life with, but it was all fake. It was fake, and it was only a matter of time before it all ended.
“What does it matter if Jay gets attached to me? He’s a good kid who deserves a better turn at life than the shitty past he’s had.”
“But who are you to give that to him? This wasn’t part of our agreement. I’m already stressing trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to pay the rent and now I’m worried how Jay is going to be after you leave.”
“Who said I’m going to leave? We did this whole thing backward, but I thought we could, at least, get to know each other, Lee.”
I shook my head. There wouldn’t be any getting to know each other because there wasn’t going to be an us. “This is over, Kurt. I can’t set myself and Jay up for the kind of heartbreak that is headed our way. He’s already lost both of his parents; he doesn’t need to lose you too after you get bored of hanging out.”
“I don’t fucking accept this, Lee. This is all bullshit.”
“It’s not, Kurt. This is me recognizing that this isn’t going to work.”
“I’m not going to divorce you. We get a divorce; they are going to take Jay away.”
I didn’t know what to say. He was right, but I couldn’t expect him to stay married to me any longer. “I’ll figure it out, Kurt. That’s what I should have done all along. It was wrong of me to put this all on you.”
“Where in the hell is this coming from, Leelee?” He growled. His fists were now balled at his sides, and there was a small vein bulging in his neck. Apparently, Kurt was as excited as I thought he would be learning he was off the hook.
“It’s coming from the fact that I need to figure out my life on my own and I don’t need you butting in, trying to fix everything.”
“You can’t afford a divorce or this apartment, Leelee.”
He was right. God dammit, he was right. “I’ll figure something out. You can file papers for a divorce, and I won’t contest it, and then Jay and I will move back to our old apartment.”
“No. Hell no. You want me gone, fine, but I’m not filing for divorce, and you stay here.”
“Kurt, no. I’m not taking anything more from you.”
Kurt took a step toward me and his eyes bore into me. “Don’t fight me on this, Lee. You agree to what I want, and I’ll back off.”
“I don’t want you to have to support us.”
“You aren’t making me do anything that I don’t want to do. Agree to it, Lee, and tell me that you don’t want me.” His hand reached up and cupped my cheek. His thumb stroked my skin, and I leaned into his touch for a second. I could have this, Kurt and the life I wanted, but deep down, I would know I was just a burden to him. No one wanted a person who didn’t have anything to bring to the relationship. All I had was Jay and a shit job.
“I agree, and I don’t want you. I’ve never wanted you.” My words broke my he
art, knowing they couldn’t be further from the truth, but this was the way it had to be. Kurt Jensen was meant for someone better than me.
Kurt looked at me one last time, and for one split second, I saw something I had never seen before. I saw a man who wanted the same thing I wanted, but I had just told him I would never want him.
He nodded, dropped his hand from my face, and prowled out the door.
That, ladies and gentlemen was the night I broke my own heart and made the biggest mistake of my life.
And he went away.
Kurt still paid the rent and didn’t divorce me, but he wasn’t there anymore. In fact, any time he saw me, he treated me like I wasn’t there.
One time, he came over to the house a month after I told him whatever the hell we were doing wasn’t going to work. CPS came over for a house inspection and Kurt played the part of new husband, but I knew he hated every second of it. The second the social worker left, so did Kurt.
Jay was mad at me, too. He didn’t understand why I made Kurt go away, but then, he got mad at Kurt when he saw how Kurt was treating me.
I was trying to do what was best for everyone, but it seemed like everyone was miserable, including me.
I didn’t think it was possible, but things got worse. I had been trying to save money by not paying rent so I could get a nice size nest egg built up, so Kurt didn’t have to support us anymore, but then my hours got cut at work. I was barely able to buy groceries, let alone pay any bills.
I was stuck. I had no idea what to do, and like before, Kurt held the solution to my problem, but he refused to help. A job at Skid Row was the exact thing I needed to get back on track. He promised to talk to Luke for me, but he never did. Just like when we were actually talking, he didn’t help.
Thank God I had wandered over to Luke and Violet that night at the track. He finally gave me the job I needed even though it had pissed Kurt off to no end. Then, I had made the stupid mistake of bringing Greg to the barbecue. I was pissed off at Kurt. I had tried talking to him more at work to try to get to a neutral ground where we could work together better, but he stormed off, not wanting to hear anything I had to say.
BangShift: Skid Row Kings Series, Book #3 Page 3
