by Fiona Gibson
For a man who once tried to cook a potato waffle in a Corby trouser press, Paolo is actually pretty smart. He was right to drag me out of the house, to force me to drink beer and tell him exactly what had happened. And when I extract Sinead’s list from my pocket and hand it to him, it’s actually a relief to have it out there, and not just looping endlessly in my brain like some kind of torture technique.
‘Christ,’ he murmurs as he scans the lines. ‘So she actually gave this to you?’
‘Well, no – not exactly. She left it for me to find in the kitchen, after she’d gone.’
‘Bloody hell. What made her do that?’
I shrug. ‘So I’d know exactly why she’s been so unhappy, I guess. It must have all poured out. Look at her writing. It’s so messy. She’s usually much neater—’
‘Never mind the handwriting analysis,’ Paolo says brusquely. ‘You poor bugger. Jesus …’ He shakes his head and exhales.
Most of Sinead’s friends – and, I’ve always suspected, Sinead herself – fancy Paolo, and anyone can see why. He’s a tall, charming and handsome bastard, not to put too fine a point on it; of Italian parentage, which serves only to boost his appeal. We were friends in secondary school in Huddersfield, and he and his wife Bea settled here when they started their family.
‘So, where did you see her today?’ I ask.
‘Just on the high street. She’d been shopping. She didn’t say much. Just that she’d left, she was sure you’d tell me, and that she’s staying at Abby’s …’ Looking back at the list, he starts to read aloud: ‘“You don’t listen to me. You take me for granted”.’
‘Yes, okay,’ I say quickly, glancing around the pub. At just after 8 p.m., it’s already bustling; we were lucky to nab the quiet booth right at the back.
‘“You don’t consider my needs”,’ he continues. ‘“No effort made re us as a couple …”’
‘There’s no need to read it all out,’ I murmur. ‘I’ve read it so many times, I could probably recite it by heart.’
Paolo sips his beer and frowns. ‘Did you really give her the money to buy her own Christmas present?’
‘Well, yes,’ I reply hotly, ‘because I’d bought her a skirt for her birthday, which I thought she’d look sensational in. But she just gave it this withering look—’
‘So you thought it was more practical to just give her cash instead,’ Paolo concludes.
I nod. ‘Exactly.’
‘But she found it unromantic.’
‘Yeah, okay,’ I say, prickling with defensiveness now.
Paolo fixes me with a look across the table. ‘Right. So, you’re looking at this list as your P45? I mean, you reckon it really is over?’
‘Yeah.’ I nod. ‘It’s not just that. There was an email as well, and then she came over last night and spelled it all out really.’
Paolo sighs. ‘Yeah, but I don’t think it’s like that at all. What I mean is, I don’t think she thought it all through, you know? I bet it just all came out in a splurge, after a few wines. She was probably feeling a bit pissed off, and then, before she knew it, she’d worked herself up into a right old froth about being unappreciated, about life being all drudge and no fun …’
‘Okay!’ I cut in.
‘… and convinced herself that she really had no option but to leave you,’ he concludes, stopping to sip his pint.
‘Right. Doesn’t really help, though, does it?’
‘It does, actually …’
‘I don’t see how.’
‘Well, look – first thing, stop panicking …’
‘I’d say it’s a pretty normal human reaction,’ I remark.
‘Yeah, but it won’t help you in this situation because you’re going to need a clear head.’
I frown at him. ‘A clear head for what?’
Paolo slides the list to me across the table. ‘Listen, mate – it seems to me like she’s written down your instructions right here.’
I pick it up and study it again. ‘What d’you mean?’
‘Oh, come on. Can’t you see that’s exactly why she’s done this? What she wants you to do is work your way through all the points on the list and put them right.’ He pauses. ‘She’s giving you a chance, mate.’
I almost laugh. Paulo isn’t a therapist or a psychologist; he’s an electrician (‘Bea’s so lucky, having such a handy husband!’ Sinead has crooned more than once). However, as his own marriage seems to be extremely happy, perhaps he does know a thing or two about the workings of the female mind.
‘Rectify all my faults, you mean?’ I ask.
‘Yeah,’ he says brightly.
‘But …’ I stare down at it. ‘There’s a hell of a lot of points on here …’
‘Oh, come on,’ he exclaims, draining his glass. ‘You want her back, don’t you?’
‘Yeah, of course I do!’
‘Isn’t she worth it, then?’ he asks with a maddening glint in his eye.
I twiddle with my glass. ‘Yes, she is,’ I say quietly. ‘But some of them …’ I pause. ‘I mean, the DIY thing, that’s easy – I’ll just get a joiner in next time, not even bother trying to save us money …’ I catch Paolo’s warning look and try to erase the bitterness from my voice. ‘But what about where she’s just written, “YOUR MOTHER!!!”? I mean, I love Sinead – I’d do pretty much anything for her – but I’m not sure I’d have my mum assassinated.’
Paolo snorts. ‘I’m sure you can figure something out. It’s going to be a test of your ingenuity and, when you’ve got to the end, you won’t even recognise yourself …’
I chuckle dryly. ‘Is that supposed to be a good thing?’
He smiles and gets up to go to the bar, adding, ‘Just get to it, starting tonight. Look at it this way – you really don’t have anything to lose.’
He’s right, of course – and after another couple of beers I find myself heading home feeling, okay, a little pissed, but also in a far more positive frame of mind. My friend’s enthusiasm for life is infectious, I decide. Maybe I should try to be more like Paolo: charming, positive, Italian. I catch sight of Howard apparently swatting a fly at his living room window and wave quickly, then hurry into my house.
Flynn is home, and greets me with a rather subdued, ‘Hey, Dad.’ We sit together and watch some trash on the TV, which he enjoys from time to time: young people on their first dates. It all seems terribly contrived and awkward, and I start to feel as if I’m there on the dates with them, at least double their age, a sort of chaperone, stiff and uncomfortable with my hands bunched into tight fists.
‘Sorry about all that,’ I murmur, during an ad break. ‘The guitar thing, I mean. I was upset, but that was no reason to act that way. I just meant—’
‘It’s okay,’ he says lightly.
I glance at my son as he pops strong-smelling cheesy Doritos from a family packet into his mouth. If Sinead were here, the Doritos would be in a bowl. As the dating programme resumes, I find myself spinning off, thinking now of the little things she hates, mostly food-related: people licking their fingers and running them around the inside of a Doritos packet in order to collect the orangey powder residue; witnessing anyone piercing a fried egg yolk with a fork.
The programme ends, and Flynn and I say a companionable goodnight. Leaving him strumming his acoustic guitar on the sofa, I manage not to comment or even compliment his technique. Instead, I escape to our bedroom (no, my bedroom now – Christ!) where I change into pyjamas and sit up in bed with Sinead’s list to my side and my laptop in front of me.
The list is becoming rather raggedy now from being carted around in various pockets and re-folded numerous times. So I open a new document and start to type it out, line by line, each and every one of my heinous shortcomings.
Only now, bolstered by Paolo, the sight of it no longer triggers a great wave of panic and dismay. I glance up for a moment, my gaze resting upon Sinead’s red and white spotty dressing gown hanging from the hook on our bedroom door. I look back dow
n quickly and resume typing, taking care to copy the list exactly, even her flamboyant usage of exclamation marks. And when I’ve finished, and it’s all there in a Word document, I can see that Paolo was right.
It’s not really a list. At least, that’s not all it is. It’s a challenge to be a better person; my instruction manual on how to be the sort of husband Sinead needs me to be. I will be that person – for her, for my family – and I will win her back.
Chapter Nine
‘She’s left you? You mean, she’s just walked out on you – and Flynn?’
‘No, not on Flynn, it’s not like that …’
‘She’s gone and left her own son, with everything he has to deal with in life?’
I jab a finger at the kitchen ceiling. ‘Shhh! He’s upstairs in bed. He’ll hear you …’
My mother shakes her head and looks pointedly around the room, as if it has fallen into terrible disrepair since Sinead’s departure. In fact, it is gleaming. I was up two hours ago, at 7 a.m., scrubbing and shining, eager to get started on working my way through the list.
You leave too much to me, she’d written. Perhaps I did. But not anymore. The bathroom dazzles; the kitchen bin smells like a summer rose; even the fridge has been wiped out and reorganised, with Sinead’s wilting spinach disposed of and all the jar labels facing the right way. It’s just a pity my wife isn’t here to see it.
Mindful, too, of Sinead’s YOUR MOTHER!!! point, I also decided to tell Mum precisely what had happened as soon as she arrived, rather than staggering through some terrible, ‘Oh, Sinead’s just popped out’ kind of charade.
‘I have to say, you seem remarkably … calm,’ she acknowledges now.
‘Well, I can’t just fall to pieces,’ I say, as if I have been the epitome of composure since my wife left me.
‘This must be terribly tough for you, though. Humiliating, too …’ Mum perches on a kitchen chair, and I hand her a coffee. Sunshine streams in through the newly-cleaned kitchen window on this bright Sunday morning.
‘Hmmm,’ I reply non-committally.
She sips her coffee. ‘This is very milky, Nate.’
Yes, because I have sloshed in extra cold milk so it’s drinkable right away. ‘Is it? I’ll make you another …’
‘No, no, it’s fine.’ Her mouth curls into a frown, and I am aware of her gaze following me as I potter about the kitchen. ‘So, where is she then?’
‘Just staying at a friend’s for the moment.’
Mum sniffs. ‘So, she thinks that’s okay? To just leave Flynn, at this crucial stage—’
‘Please stop this,’ I cut in. ‘That’s not what this is about …’
‘Well, what am I supposed to say?’ she asks.
‘You’re not supposed to say anything, actually.’
‘But I think I’m entitled, when it affects my grandchild …’
‘Mum, Flynn’s fine,’ I say firmly. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t go into all the details about this now. I’m only just trying to figure out things for myself.’ I inhale deeply and lean against the fridge.
‘Is there someone else?’ she asks, arching a brow.
‘No, of course not.’ I stare at her, aghast.
A wash of sanctimoniousness settles over her face. ‘I don’t mean with you. God knows, Nate, with that job of yours and everything else you have on your plate, I can’t imagine you’d have the time …’
‘Mum, please—’
‘I’m only trying to help,’ she points out, as if she’s the one who’s been wronged. She pushes back her chair with a loud scrape, and makes a great show of searching around the kitchen for Bella’s feeding bowl, lead and plastic poo bag dispenser, sighing in irritation that I haven’t had everything packed and ready in her oilskin bag.
‘Okay, if you don’t want to talk about it,’ she remarks coolly. ‘So, any idea where Bella’s pigs’ ears might be?’
Ah, those gnarly treats – ‘They’re actual ears of pig!’ Flynn once announced with fascination – that Sinead always hides away at the bottom of our veg rack. I unearth the packet and hand them to Mum. ‘Here you go.’
‘Thank you.’ She packs them into the bag and makes a point of wiping out Bella’s bowl with a piece of kitchen roll. ‘So, where do you and Sinead go from here, if you don’t mind me asking?’
‘I really have no idea,’ I reply, even keener for her to leave, now that she’s raised the possibility of my wife seeing someone else. Could she have met someone? I’m wondering now. Have I been an idiot to not even consider that this is the real reason, as opposed to my apparent incompetence with a spirit level and drill?
Flynn appears in the doorway, rubbing at his face. ‘Hey, Grandma,’ he drawls with a bleary smile.
‘Oh, Flynn,’ she exclaims, instantly adopting a ‘darling baby, abandoned by his mother!’ voice. ‘How are you, love?’
‘I’m okay.’ He hugs her briefly before grabbing a loaf from the bread bin and shoving a slice into his mouth.
Mum peers at him and scowls in concern. ‘Couldn’t you toast that, darling?’ she suggests.
‘Nah, s’okay …’ He shrugs.
‘Or at least put butter or jam on it?’ I ask, trying to lighten the mood.
He grimaces at me. ‘Thanks, Dad. I’m aware of the options regarding toppings, but it’s fine.’ He crams another slice into his mouth, fills a half-pint glass to the brim with milk and takes a hearty swig.
‘Well, Flynn, Bella and I are off now,’ Mum announces.
‘Okay. See you soon, Grandma.’ He gives her a brief kiss on the cheek.
We leave him alternating between chomping on bread and swigging milk as I carry out Bella’s basket and see Mum to her car.
She frowns at me as Bella jumps obligingly into the boot. ‘Oh, Nate. That poor, poor boy, with a broken home now …’
‘He’s all right, Mum. Really …’
‘He didn’t look all right, stuffing dry bread into his mouth!’
Despite everything, I can’t help laughing. ‘That’s not because of Sinead leaving.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ She bangs the boot shut.
‘Because,’ I say, in an overly patient voice, ‘he has dry bread all the time. It’s not a broken-home thing – it’s a teenage thing. Toasting or buttering it is just too much effort—’
‘That’s because of his condition—’
‘No, it’s not,’ I exclaim. ‘You know Flynn, what he’s capable of. Of course he can make toast. He can cook an entire dinner, actually. Peel spuds, roast a chicken, make one of those terrible microwave cakes—’
‘If you say so …’
Christ, is she always as maddening as this? Probably, I decide as she climbs into her car. Until now, I’ve allowed her to breeze in and say pretty much whatever she likes without challenging her. On and on she went, about Sinead’s non-existent massage, and all I said in her defence was, ‘A massage isn’t that big a deal’, effectively putting my mother’s feelings before my wife’s. It wasn’t just that, either. There was the, ‘Your turkey’s always quite dry, isn’t it?’ comment last Christmas, when Sinead had been up at 6 a.m. to cram the damned bird into the oven, and then that remark about the shimmery red dress my wife chose – and looked sensational in – for Flynn’s solo guitar performance at the school concert. ‘It looks quite nice,’ Mum had remarked tersely, ‘from the back.’ Years and years of spiky comments, which Sinead has remarked upon now and again, only for me to try and placate her with an, Oh, you know what Mum’s like …
She winds down her driver’s side window and peers at me. ‘Well, you take care, Nate.’
‘Thanks, Mum. You too.’
She pauses, her lips set in a thin line, her hands gripping the steering wheel unnecessarily, seeing as she hasn’t even turned on the engine yet. And then out it comes: ‘You know, I don’t think Sinead has ever appreciated all you’ve done for this family.’
I gawp at her, unable to respond for a moment.
‘All those years,’
she continues, ‘not having to go out to work while you gave up your career in music—’
‘Career in music?’ I retort. ‘It was just a few crappy bands …’
‘… and went through that gruelling driving examiner training, just to ensure she had the lifestyle she wanted …’
‘Mum!’ I snap. ‘What on earth are you talking about? What “lifestyle”?’
She blinks at me, clearly startled by my response. ‘Well, Sinead’s never wanted for anything, as far as I can see.’
I look at my mother, fury rising in my chest now, but knowing there’s no point in explaining that Sinead buys most of her clothes from charity shops, drives a car that’s on its last legs and probably has her hair done around twice a year. There’s no point, because Mum would never listen. ‘I won’t have you running her down,’ is all I say, taken aback by the calm but firm voice that seems to be coming out of my mouth.
Mum’s eyes widen. ‘I’m only saying—’
‘Well, just don’t, okay? I mean that, Mum. That’s my wife you’re talking about. I know we’ve separated, but I won’t have it, all right? And I don’t want to hear anything like that again—’
‘Joe never speaks to me like this!’
Ah: the spectre of my perfect younger brother rears its head. We stare at each other, invisible horns locked. ‘No, well, you don’t have a go at his wife, do you?’
‘No, because Lorraine would never walk out on their kids …’
‘Stop this, Mum. Stop it right now—’
‘Stop what? I haven’t done anything!’ She looks aghast, then clamps her mouth shut and closes the window. With just a quick backwards glance towards Bella, who is sitting demurely in the rear – and who we look after every time Mum goes away – she switches on the engine.
There’s no goodbye, and no wave; just a jutted-out chin and her cool gaze fixed determinedly ahead. But I know she’s rattled as she pulls away, as her failure to mirror-signal-manoeuvre correctly causes an oncoming taxi driver to toot at her. Guilt snags at me as she gestures angrily, then disappears from sight.
*
Despite his Victorian-street-urchin diet, Flynn does seem okay as the day progresses. Max and Luke come over, and they all hang out in the living room, chatting away and playing guitars. Understanding that I am required to keep out of their way, I tackle the laundry, then head out to the back garden to mow the lawn and gouge out weeds from between the patio paving stones. Whilst not exactly joy-making, these tasks at least prove useful in stopping me pacing about, obsessively trying to work out who Sinead’s new boyfriend might be, not that I think for one second that she is sleeping with someone else. But then, even if she isn’t yet, at some point in the future she will be, unless I can make myself truly worthy of her.
