by Carey Corp
His big puppy dog eyes twist my heart, and I’m reluctant to let him walk away. “Can you come over?”
Clearly pleased with my invite, he shrugs, kicking at the concrete with a worn, faded shoe. “I’d like to—but I can’t. Maybe another time.”
“Tomorrow?”
Trying unsuccessfully to cover his pained expression with a smile, he shrugs. “How about we just take it day by day. I’m still getting adjusted.”
Although Derry’s response disappoints me, I understand how tenuous a foster family can be, especially one with lots of kids. He needs to prove something to them before he can earn privileges. That’s pretty typical for kids in the system. I give him my most understanding smile. “Sure thing. At least, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Then he pats my head, something he wouldn’t have dared try when we were the same height, and chuckles. “Not if I see you first.”
The joke’s old and obvious and so typical Derry that I launch myself at him, single-mindedly squeezing him until he’s begging for me to let go so he won’t be late in getting home. As we walk away from one another and the promise of tomorrow fills me, my head spins with the richness of my new life; friends, family, loved ones, and my Guardian. A contented joy bubbles up, filling my heart to overflowing and I realize this incredibly amazing and totally foreign emotion I’m feeling is—happiness.
CHAPTER 10
The weeks between Derry’s unexpected arrival and Christmas break fly by without any surprises. He and Jonah discover their mutual love of all things sci-fi, which pretty much dominates our lunchtime conversations. I remain with him in the front row of English class, while Gabriel, my Seraph boyfriend with boundaries, resigns himself to guarding me from two rows back. Despite the increased activity in Mr. Creepy’s halo, he goes back to ignoring us. And no matter what I try, I’m unable to get my best friend to see me outside of school.
During the last day of school before our three-week-long holiday break, I decide I’m not content to merely wait until Derry’s earned privileges with the Eccles. Walking into the bracing wintery afternoon with Gabriel at my side, I focus on Derry. Dressed in his thin, too-small jacket and hole-riddled Converse, he hunches against the cruel winter wind as he eagerly waves to me. And I prepare myself for confrontation.
Slowing to a halt, I turn to Gabriel, “I need a minute with Derry alone, okay?” There’s never any doubt in my mind that he understands as he nods and turns back the way we’ve just come. Closing the distance to where Derry waits, I try to form what I want to say.
Hands shoved in his pockets, his stubbly head tucked against the cold, Derry asks, “Where’d Gabe go? Siberia?”
“Forgot something at his locker.”
Before I can think of something to fill the pause, Derry interjects, “Why are you with that guy, anyway?”
This is not a subject I want to go into. Not a subject with straightforward answers, like math or science. Looking away, as the bleak sky begins to flurry, I say, “It’s complicated.”
“In other words, you think I’m too dense to understand.” Before I can deny his accusation he adds, “Or maybe our friendship is riddled with secrets. Is our friendship Swiss cheese?”
I can’t convincingly deny that. In my need to protect him, I have always held things back from Derry—my demons, halos, why I really left—but I’ve also shared more of my true self with him than anyone. Derry’s my best friend.
Meaning Gabriel, I say, “I like him. Okay?”
“Oh.” He does nothing to hide the pain and confusion in his beautiful smoky eyes. What he leaves unsaid is How did you ever let someone get that close to you when you’ve kept even me at a distance?
The hurt on Derry’s face makes my eyes sting. Despite the tightening in my throat, I inquire in my most causal voice, “So, what’re your plans for the break?”
He shrugs, also watching the snow. “Nothing really. I’ll just hang around the house.”
“Catching up on TV?”
I don’t miss the sidelong glance he gives me. “I’ll probably read. The Eccles are really strict about TV. At least for their foster kids. TV has to be earned, like everything else.”
“So you still can’t come over?”
“No.”
“Then I’ll come to you.” This isn’t a question. On the verge of crying, my excess emotion channels itself into my frustration and turns to anger. Plus, I’m fed up with our separation, determined to change it.
Reading the resolve on my face, Derry starts to panic, “Don’t Lexi! I mean—you can’t! I haven’t earned any privileges so the Eccles won’t let me have visitors. If you come over, I’ll just get in trouble.”
His desperation twists uncomfortably in my stomach, but I’m not ready to let it drop. “And what exactly do you need to do to earn privileges?”
Derry locks eyes with me in resistance, but after a second drops his head and sighs. “I’ve got to get straight ‘A’s.”
For a moment, I think I misheard. “Straight ‘A’s? You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me?”
“I wish I was.” He looks at me and the misery, the undisguised longing in his slate eyes is a knife into my soul. “I’m never going to be a straight ‘A’ kid, Lexi. I’m a solid ‘C’ guy. Heck, I get a low ‘B’ and I feel like a scholar.”
It’s so unfair! Derry’s a good student, but academics don’t come as easily to him as some others. He tries really hard and his effort should be enough. It should be everything. “Can’t you explain that to the Eccles?”
Grimly he shakes his shorn head. “They don’t ‘negotiate’ with their custodial kids.”
“Maybe, I could get Kate or Steven to talk to them.”
“No, Lexi, don’t. Leave it alone please! It’s fine.” Instinctively, he tucks his left arm under his right one. And I know I should let up, but I don’t.
“No Derry, it’s not.”
“Look, if I cause any trouble for them, they’re gonna get rid of me. Send me back to The Children’s Center.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do—they told me. The only reason they took me in the first place is because they needed a kid old enough to babysit the others, and they didn’t like the look of any of the teenaged girls at the center.” He snaps his mouth shut to stop the flow of information he’s been keeping from me. His eyes are huge, pleading as he watches rage rumble across my features.
“Is that what you are to them, Derry? Guaranteed child care? How often do you babysit for them?” He doesn’t answer. “Twice a week?”
“Let it alone, Lexi.”
“Three times? Four? More?”
“Just stop!”
But I can’t let it go. The Eccles are exploiting him, and Derry’s too trusting to realize it. I’m so enraged my chest heaves as I demand, “How many?”
“Six, all right! Six nights a week—sometimes seven.” He hangs his head, frustrated I’ve badgered his secrets out of him. “Why do you push, Lexi? You know I can’t lie to you.”
“I don’t see why it’s such a big deal to tell me.” My hands are on my hips in righteous indignation, and I’m about ready to launch into another round of scolding when Derry peers up at me with huge, anguished eyes.
“Everybody has secrets… even you.”
Just like that my anger burns out, leaving me with remorse and the image of Derry’s haunted eyes. After years of being raped of his dignity—his power—all he has left is that untouchable part deep inside. Never has it occurred to me that he’d begrudge sharing his innermost self with his best friend. But he’s right; I can’t take his secrets by force. And although his accusation has no malice behind it, I still feel the sting. Because he knows me well enough to see I’m withholding my own secrets, parts of me I can’t share. I feel like a bully and a hypocrite, hardly worthy of his friendship.
Snowflakes begin to whirl around us. Although they don’t stick to the ground, they won’t be kept at bay forever.
“I’m sorry, D
erry. It’s just that I don’t like to see you being taken advantage of. You’re so kind hearted. You would do just about anything for anybo—”
“Don’t you think I’m smart enough to know when I’m being used?” His tone’s sharper than usual, his saffron halo bristling in agitation as he speaks. “I’m not a moron. But you gotta let me make choices for myself, Lexi. I’m not a little kid anymore.” Running a hand over his close-cropped head, he stares off into the distance. “Did it ever occur to you I could be using them too?”
The thought Derry would be calculating enough to use his foster parents disturbs me. “How? How are you using them?”
“To get into this school—to get to you. I’m fine with the arrangement. They don’t beat me, or molest me. They feed and clothe me. So what if they’re strict, so what if they make me study all the time and babysit and do tons of chores? Whatever.”
But it’s not enough for me, not after all the recent changes in my life. Tugging at his thin arm, I turn him until we’re again face to face. “But that’s not a home.”
“No it’s not and I don’t need it to be. Because you are my home, Lexi. And I can deal with all the rest of it because I’ve got you.”
His pleading eyes, as familiar as my own, are full as Derry’s whole world flickers through them. Feeling frustrated and impotent, I bite my lower lip, using the stinging pain to override my emotions. “There has to be something I can do to help.”
“Please Lexi, don’t say anything to anyone. Okay? Just be here for me. That’s what I need. With your foster family and new friends—your boyfriend—I’m terrified I don’t mean as much to you. And I couldn’t stand losing you.” His whole body tenses. I sense him pulling away as he lifts his face to the wintry sky, rapidly blinking away tears before they can spill down his gaunt face.
I have no words, nothing I can offer to adequately reassure him of his place in my heart. Feeling my own tears slide down the frozen skin of my cheeks, I reach for Derry and pull him to me before he can distance himself any further. I cling to him like an anchor, using my body to convey what words can’t. Holding him feels achingly familiar and at the same time strangely foreign because his soft boyish curves are rapidly being replaced by the hard landscape of a man. A brief, unexpected jolt of awareness shoots through me. I do my best to ignore it.
After several seconds, Derry pulls away. He still looks as if he might cry. His hands tremble slightly as he presses the heels of his palms to his temple and inhales through his nose. “I’ve gotta go. I’m late.”
And I don’t want to let him go, even though I must. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you more. And I’ll do my best to call you, okay?” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Gabriel approaching. Derry tightly says to him, “Take care of my girl for me, Gabe.” When Gabriel solemnly nods, Derry gives us both a quick wave before hurrying away. When he peeks back over his shoulder before disappearing around the bend, my heart squeezes around his image, trying to capture him.
For a long time I stare in the direction Derry has gone thinking about our conversation, his secrets, my hypocrisy, and the meaning of home. Gabriel’s strong arms slide around my waist as he pulls me into the fragrant warmth of his chest. Quietly he asks, “Are you all right, Alexia?”
Not trusting my voice, I nod into his flannel shirt, letting the soothing scent of laundry soap and the great outdoors center me. The falling snow is heavier now, and I wonder if this’ll be the storm that yields the first accumulation of the season.
Gabriel’s hand moves up to stroke my hair. “You want to help him.”
My answering sigh is heavy with the helplessness I feel. “He doesn’t want help. And even if he did, I don’t know what I could do without making things worse for him.”
Planting a gentle kiss on the top of my head, Gabriel separates himself enough to begin leading me toward the Fosters. With a reassuring squeeze he says, “I have a few ideas about that. Would you like to hear them while I walk you home?”
*
When we get to the Fosters’, I see Nana Kransky peeking out the window from behind the curtain at Gabriel and me, and not for the first time. I know she’s curious, but she’s also respectful of my privacy. So far, she has kept a prudent distance.
As the curtain falls closed, I peer up at Gabriel. A rogue chunk of his golden hair hangs over his eyes. Unable to help myself, I reach up, pushing the silken strands out of the way so I can see his face.
Leaning gently into my hand, Gabriel covers it with his before I can withdraw. His eyes drift closed as he revels in the sensation, the power and heat of our combined touch. For a moment, I study his achingly handsome face, battling my urge to move closer and increase our contact. But the intimacy of our hands already feels like a trespass of the boundaries he has set, and I won’t risk the rejection that’ll most certainly occur if I give in to my urges.
Still, I don’t pull away.
I wait in a torturous limbo to see what my guardian will do next. After an eternity of heartbeats he lets me go, his emotions carefully schooled as he says, “I should head out. I’ll pick up the stuff we discussed.” Stuff for Derry.
My best friend’s impending absence is still heavy on my mind as I ask, “Will I see much of you over the break?”
“As much as you like.”
“Can we exchange Christmas gifts?”
He fixes his eyes on the sidewalk, somewhat bashfully, confessing, “I already got you something.”
“Oh,” I don’t know why I’m surprised a guardian angel would spend his spare time shopping, but I am. Feeling lame, I admit, “I haven’t shopped yet.”
“You don’t need to—”
“But I want to—”
“Okay.” A thought causes his lips to purse as a slight frown puckers his brow. “If you’re going shopping, um, I should probably go with you.”
And I know he’s talking about protection, but I can’t help teasing. “How am I supposed to shop for you if you’re with me? I would have to blindfold you.” The image of Gabriel wearing a blindfold and surprisingly little else flashes vividly through my mind. I forget to breathe. Heat spreads through my veins, flushing my face despite the bitter cold, making me desperate to retreat before he notices my embarrassment.
“You shouldn’t go alone.”
Mortified by what’s happening to my body, I respond at a rapid-fire pace. “I won’t. I’ll see if Becke wants to go with me. In fact why don’t I call her right now?” Gabriel nods approvingly as I fumble for the doorknob.
“Can I see you Saturday?”
“Uh, sure, bye.” Staggering inside the house, I barely manage to shut the door before sagging against it. My heart hammers in my chest, my face is hot and my body feels tingly all over. Regarding my shaking hands with horror, I wonder if I’m the type of girl who swoons over guys.
Or at least one guy.
Using my yogic breathing to calm my treacherous body, I tell myself what just happened is an isolated incident. An unfortunate burst of teenage hormones. But just in case, I decide it won’t hurt to create some boundaries of my own.
*
Three days later Becke and I meet at the mall, with the rest of the known universe, committed to finding the ultimate presents. I’ve never willingly ventured into crowded places. A slave to her fear, the old Alex wouldn’t have dared, but I’m not her. I feel stronger, less afraid of the dark ones, and now I’m not alone. I have friends and family, a safe haven to shelter me.
My recent reactions to those with dark halos haven’t left me incapacitated, and I’m hopeful the difference is due more to changes in me than Gabriel’s angelic presence. Today, nervous but also excited, I decide to find out. Entering the mall, I’m confronted by a sea of shimmering halos, the masses desperately shopping for the perfect gift. There are only a few dark pockets, and while I’m not so foolish as to walk through them, I decide to shop without any excess avoidance.
Eyeing the bustling horde of shoppers, Becke
sucks in her breath. She’s as uncomfortable in this chaos as I am. “Where do you want to start first?” she asks, her voice rising to a squeak at the end.
“Maybe somewhere less crowded. One of the department stores?”
She nods in relief, and we weave our way toward a moderately priced department store at the far end of the mall. From what I know of Becke’s family—both parents working shifts for a transportation company and three younger brothers at home—I assume she’s on a budget. Although Kate and Steven have insisted on giving me a sizeable chunk of their Christmas fund, my focus is on finding the perfect cool—thrifty—gifts, rather than expensive ones.
As we thread our way through the packed space, Becke asks, “Who’re you shopping for today?”
I recite my list, ticking them off on my fingers. “Kate, Steven, Kate’s Mom, Derry, and Gabriel.” Mentally, I add Becke to that list.
“Got any ideas of what you want to get them?”
I shake my head. “None. How about you? Who’re you shopping for?”
“My parents, my brothers, my grandparents, and, uh, Jonah.” Her cheeks color deep pink as the last name rolls off her tongue.
My eyebrows lift in expectation despite my best efforts to keep my features neutral. “So… How’re things going with Jonah?”
Becke lets out a huge, telling huff. She flashes from embarrassed to exasperated in less than a second. “Who knows? One minute he’s holding my hand and the next he’s patting my head, like I’m a cocker spaniel. I think I’m gonna have to smack some sense into him!”
“Tell me about it.”
“Uh-uh.” She skirts gingerly around a meandering family of four with matching ecru halos. “You’ve got the perfect boyfriend: hot, considerate, not a jealous bone in his body, singularly attentive and devoted to—”
