by Brenda Ford
“I don’t know about this,” I complain while twisting from side to side. “Are you sure this looks okay?”
“You look stunning,” Ruby insists strongly. “Honestly, Tami. You’re making a bold move today. You look good for it as well. Navy always looks great on you; it brings out your eyes. It makes your hair look great too.”
I stare at my reflection once more, not sure if I would ever be comfortable with what I’m wearing today. Right now, I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. Just knowing that I’m about to face something huge. After some serious thinking, my brain has cleared taking all of my doubts with it. I don’t need to worry anymore about anything because I know exactly what I want. What I have always wanted. I have always been the girl who follows my head, who picks the guy who seems nice, who works hard and does what she has told, but now for once, I want to follow my heart. To pick the man who makes me happier than anyone else.
Yes, it’s still scary. There are always going to be risks, but I’m coming to terms with what happened with Maria now and I know that if we can weather that we can weather anything.
“Do you think that he’s going to want me back, Ruby? Seriously? You don’t think I’m going to like… walk in there and he has another girlfriend or something? God, I would just die.”
“No way! His brother called you and invited you there. He wouldn’t have done that if Brad didn’t want you there. Brad will be in on it, won’t he? He’s probably begged you Alex to call you.”
I know that she’s right. I really don’t think Alex would make this a surprise, but all the worst case scenarios keep flooding my mind. Brad rejecting me, pushing me away, wanting rid of me.
“I’m just scared that I pushed him away, that’s all.”
Ruby grabs my shoulders and stares in to my eyes. “Tami, would you have understood if he needed time and space after what happened? Of course you would. And he’s going to understand as well.”
I nod and try to accept this, but the butterflies flap violently in my stomach. They are almost painful. I keep gripping on to my belly, trying to force the away, but they don’t go anywhere.
Focus on what we shared; I remind myself. Think about what made you want him back.
It did take a lot of soul searching, some deep thinking, but in the end, it became obvious that I am not willing to give up the amazing life that me and Brad could have. It might not work out, things could go wrong later on, but I would rather find out. I don’t want to spend forever wondering what might have been, comparing all of my future relationships to him and knowing that nothing will ever be able to compare to him.
“Are you ready to go?” Ruby asks with a small smile playing on her lips. “Ready to see him now?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m honest. I’m all… I don’t know how to describe it.”
She pulls me in for a hug and holds me for a moment, stroking my hair reassuringly. “You are going to be fine. Whatever the outcome, you are strong enough to take it. You can handle anything. Just think about everything that you have been through so far. You survived losing your dad, your mother moving away, Daniel cheating on you over web cam when you hadn’t even had sex with him, you survived that crazy bitch, Maria, too.”
“Wow, when you put it like that, it sounds like my life has been really dramatic,” I laugh.
“It has! I don’t think you quite realize how much. And you have gotten through it all.”
She’s right, but somehow, this feels like the scariest thing I will ever have to face. I thought that it was a good idea to see Brad like this in a more relaxed environment to have this conversation, but now I’m not sure if I would be better off seeing him at work and just easing back in to things gently.
“Stop it,” Ruby warns me. “I can see that look on your face. You’re talking yourself out of it.”
“I’m not, I’m just…” I give it up because she knows me too well. “Alright, alright, I will.”
“Come on then. I will drive you to the party. Then we can have a talk on the way.”
“A talk?” I query. “Uh oh, that sounds like I’m in trouble. Am I?”
“You might be. I haven’t decided yet.” She winks at me. “Come on, we need to leave now so you aren’t late.”
“You know, you could just come in to the barbeque with me,” I suddenly blurt out the idea like it’s obvious. “I don’t think Brad would mind… it could be fun. And I would like to have you there…”
She shakes her head no. “I can’t, Tami. This is your thing. You think you’re going to need me, but you aren’t. Once you get there and you lay eyes on Brad, you will forget that I’m even there. I have a date tonight anyway…”
“Oh my God, your anniversary!” I clap my hand to my forehead. “I’m so sorry, I forgot.”
“Don’t you worry. You have had a lot going on. I don’t expect you to remember…”
“I will be a better friend, I promise you. Once this is all over. Whatever way it goes…”
She indicates for me to follow her outside, so I do. As I take the seat in her car, I try and calm myself down, but it doesn’t happen. The closer I get to seeing Brad, the more anxious I become. I slide my eyes closed and think about his face, his smile, the way that he holds me tightly… I could be back there again. At the end of tonight, me and Brad could be back to where we are best. Happy and in love.
“You are going to be fine,” Ruby tells me as she drives along. “I know that I have said this before, but I feel like it needs repeating. Today is going to be good. It’s my opinion that you two are perfect for one another and that you will be together forever. But just remember, even if that doesn’t happen, I am here. Even tonight, you can call me. It doesn’t matter. I am there for you. I hope you know that.”
“Ruby, I don’t deserve you. Honestly, you are such a good friend. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I take a moment to count my blessings. Everything that she discussed me surviving only a little while before, she was there through most of it, propping me up. I really am going to be a better friend to her in the future. I am. I’m going to stop being so selfish and worrying about me. I really have become self-centered in this time.
“This is his house?” Ruby exclaims in shock as she sees the Smith mansion. “That’s insane.”
“His parents must have been very rich before they died,” I reply wryly. “The boys were very lucky. I mean, not to lose their parents obviously, but to land with a house like this and a successful business.”
“Yeah, I guess so. And they have one another as well. All six of them.”
“That’s right. None of them have been left alone.”
We remain there in silence for a few moments, just looking at the house. Ruby is probably wondering what their lives are like whereas I’m panicking about what might be going on inside. Once I knock on that door, I unleash everything that has been scary to me. I have to explain myself, to face what I almost walked away from because of fear. I will have to throw myself in to the pit of abyss with him.
“Well, you can’t just sit here forever and wait, can you?” Ruby laughs. “You need to get that gorgeous ass of yours inside and do what you need to do. Get that man, Grab your happiness.”
I nod, but I don’t move right away. I feel like I have melted all over the floor and I need to gather myself back up again. I need to mold myself back in to my human form and just do it already.
“Thanks, Ruby,” I reply in a shaky voice. “And you have a good night tonight, okay?”
“I will. And you. Call me if you need me. I will have my cell phone with me all night.”
I already know that even if this all goes horribly wrong, I won’t bother contacting her. I have taken up enough of Ruby’s time recently. This is her anniversary. She needs to have a lot of fun. She doesn’t need to be involved in my drama for tonight. There might not be any drama anyway. It might be just fine. Who knows?
After a hug, we share our goodbyes and I step out of the car.
Ruby doesn’t drive away right away, she waits, clearly waiting to see if I go inside or not which gives me no choice. So, I force my shaky legs to take me to that front door. It barely even feels like my feet are touching the ground as I go.
“Just knock,” I whisper in a warning tone to myself as I get there. “It will be fine.”
I turn back and see Ruby still waiting for me, so I don’t have any choice. I lift my fist, and I knock. My heart thunders violently, beating against my rib cage as I do. I have to force a giant smile on my lips as the door swings open. There, Angelo’s expression turns from one of shock all the way to happiness.
“Oh my God, Tami, you’re here.”
“Er, Alex invited me. Is that okay? He did tell you, right?”
“Oh, he’s invited everyone.” Angelo waves his hand dismissively. “He probably did tell me. You should come in. There is good food cooking and beer flowing…” He slings his arm over my shoulder. “Come in.”
The fact that Alex hasn’t told Angelo that I’m coming worries me. It makes me panic that Brad doesn’t know either. Ruby has convinced me that Brad has orchestrated all of this, but now that I’m here I’m not so sure that it’s mutual. This is going to end up being really embarrassing if he isn’t aware.
“Oh my God, Tami!” Alex sounds a little tipsy and excitable as he bounces over to me. “You came. You’re here.” He pulls me in for a hug and leaves me in his arms for a moment too long.
“Er, yeah I’m here,” I reply in to his chest, sounding muffled. “Is Brad here as well? Does he know that I’m here? Because Angelo didn’t seem to know anything about me coming…”
“Erm. Hmmm…” Alex steps backwards and stares at me. “Not exactly. And also… there is something else…”
“What?” I snap as my heart sinks. “What is it? I’m already pretty freaked out…”
“Well, Brad hasn’t actually… you know… turned up yet…”
I feel like I might throw up. I have come here to get Brad back and not only does he not know that I’m coming, but he isn’t here. Of all the horrible scenarios I imagined, this wasn’t one of them. Humiliated doesn’t even cover it. I feel cold and shaky all over, like the world is crashing down around me. I step backwards, panicking, my eyes darting everywhere, my body churning like crazy.
This is a nightmare. It has to be a nightmare. I can’t be awake. I just can’t. I thought that I wasn’t going to call Ruby tonight, that was my intension, but now, I might have to…
Chapter 36 – Brad – Saturday
“Brad, come on,” Nelson insists while tugging on my arm. “You can’t sit here all day. Come to the barbeque.”
“I don’t want to.” I roll my eyes. “I’m happy here. I don’t want to be at any barbeque. I want to sit here in this bar. I’m waiting for someone anyway. Jeanie is going to meet me here soon.”
I just want to be here, relaxing and having a good time. The barbeque sounds stressful, it’s going to be full of people who want to know what’s going on with me and I don’t have any answers. None that I want to share anyway. Tami still hasn’t been in touch with me and I can’t get myself together. If I was where I wanted to be then fine. But this isn’t it so I will just wait here to see if Jeanie can get out of work and turn up.
“Are you serious?” Nathan claps his hand to his forehead. “Brad, Alex organized all of this for you. He wants to help you and cheer you up after everything that you have been through. He’s trying to make you feel…”
“No one can make me feel anything,” I snap angrily. “Don’t you get it? I feel like shit. Anything that Alex does won’t change that. There isn’t anything that anyone else can do to sort this out.”
Instead of responding to my rant, Nelson rests his hand on my shoulder, trying to reassure me. I know why my brothers sent him to try and drag me out of my favorite bar, but it isn’t going to work.
“Nelson, you shouldn’t be here with me. I’m being a miserable fucker. Just… go to the barbeque and have a good night, okay? I don’t want to go, and nothing will change that. I just want to drown my sorrows.”
“Fine.” Nelson bangs his hands on the bar next to me. “Then I will stay here with you.”
“What? No, I don’t need you to stay. Jeanie will be here soon.”
“Is Jeanie someone that you have slept with at some point?” Nelson rolls his eyes. “Because that’s bad.”
“She is, but it isn’t like that. We’re just friends now, that’s all. She is a laugh.”
Nelson turns away and ignores me, before ordering himself a drink. I guess he’s staying here whether I like it or not. I don’t really want him to stick around because he won’t just let me be. He’ll make me think about what I’m doing with my life which isn’t something anyone wants to do while sinking beer.
“So, instead of drinking beer at home where you can get away with underage drinking, you would rather be here with me having cola?” I snort with laughter. “Honestly, Nelson, have you lost your mind?”
“I know you keep saying that some chick is coming, but I refuse to leave you alone.”
“But I’m fine,” I insist. “I want to be alone. Otherwise I would be at the barbeque already.”
“Yeah, with your family.” I do what I can to ignore his meaningful look. “Who would want that?”
We sit in silence for a little while, just drinking our drinks while thinking. My mind circles over everything that I don’t want to think about, which is why I’m not so keen on Nelson being here. I consider how badly I’m letting my family down, how much I’m bound to be upsetting Alex, how much I just wish Tami was around…
“I’m sorry, Nelson,” I finally say sadly. “I know I’m acting like a dick head at the moment. I don’t want that. I just don’t know how I feel about everything, it’s all so confusing.”
“Trust me, we all get it. We understand. We don’t want to push you, we just want…”
Before he can finish that sentence, his cell phone blasts out loudly and he’s distracted. As soon as he sees whoever is calling him, his eyes flicker wide and he makes a gesture about going outside. I wonder who’s calling him that he needs to speak to in private. It seems like he might have some drama of his own.
Ooh, I’ll ask him about it when he comes back inside. Try and distract Nelson from going on about me. That’s why I want to hang out with Jeanie, because she isn’t going to make me answer all the difficult questions.
“Can I have another drink please?” I ask the female bar tender who only works occasionally.
“Sure, same again?” I nod. “Was that your brother sitting next to you a moment ago?”
“One of my brothers, yes.” I smile. “I have five of them.”
“Oh wow… well, that particular brother… is he single by any chance?”
Ah, now I see what’s going on. She likes Nelson! She’s definitely a little bit older than him, but that doesn’t surprise me. Nelson does have the sort of look that would attract an older woman. Even one in her mid to late twenties. It doesn’t even seem to matter that he’s in high school.
“I think so, yes, why? Would you like me to give him your number or something?”
“Would you?” Her eyes light up with excitement. “That would be amazing, thank you.”
She grabs a napkin and scribbles her number down before sliding it to me. Once upon a time, she would be giving me her number and I would have loved it, but it doesn’t even bother me that it isn’t for me. That part of my life is well and truly behind me. I don’t want anything aside from Tami.
I offer her some cash, but she shakes her head no. Wow, she likes Nelson so much that she’s willing to give me a free drink. This could work out in my favor if things go well between them. Then again, if it gets all fucked up then it could mean I need to find somewhere else to drink. Somewhere without any damn drama.
“Brad, come on,” Nelson declares with a serious insistence as he re-enters the bar. “We need to go now.”
“I’ve
already told you that I’m not leaving, Nelson. If you want to go, then do so. Like I already said, Jeanie will be here soon, and I won’t be alone any longer, so you get back.”
“No, they don’t need me, they need you.” He tugs on my arm, winding me up. “Now.”
“Nelson, just leave it!” I shake him off me. “Seriously, I am staying here.”
“Alex has sorted things out for you though and he really wants you at the house now.”
“Alex sorted out the party even though I told him not to! You heard me tell him not to sort out the party.”
“This isn’t just a party though, is it? There is more going on here.”
I shrug it off and turn myself away from Nelson. He isn’t listening to my words, so ignoring him is the only way. I continue to sip my drink defiantly. There isn’t a damn thing that he can say to drag me out of this seat.
“Look, Brad,” he finally says. “It was supposed to be a surprise, but since you’re being a stubborn fuck, I might as well just tell you. Brad, Alex has invited Tami to the barbeque…”
“What?” I bark, temper burning through me in a shot. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Tami was invited to the barbeque. Alex though that by bringing you back together in a calmer more relaxed environment, you would be able to have a much nicer conversation where you may or may not sort things out.”
“Wait, wait.” I rise to my feet with my hands up to silence him. “Wait, so, while you two have been telling me to let Tami have the time and space that she needs, you have been contacting her behind my back.”
“It isn’t like that. Not at all. We all just want to help you.”
“Well, I don’t need your fucking help! I don’t need anything from anyone. I just want to be left alone to have my drink in peace. Do you know how embarrassing it is to know that Tami has been invited when she isn’t talking to me? I mean, she isn’t going to come, is she? So, why would Alex do that to hurt me?”
“Alex would never do anything to hurt you, and you know that.”
Logically, I do, but I’m not in the right frame of mind for that right now. My emotions have been all stirred and churned up and I’m full of fury. Nelson is about to feel my wrath right now.
