by Brenda Ford
“What the fuck is your problem?” he yells first. “Why don’t you care? What the hell is wrong with you? This is our band, our career. It isn’t just you that’s being affected by your behavior, it’s all of us.”
“I keep out of your way,” I growl coldly. “I don’t bother either of you.”
“You don’t think that your drinking bothers us?” He shrugs, bewildered. “Do you even know what you’re like when you are drunk, huh? No, of course you don’t. You have absolutely no idea. You are unbearable. Mean, unpleasant, you have said the nastiest things to me and Rachel. Plus, you’re a nightmare. Your behavior, which often takes place out in public, affects our reputation all the time. We are constantly monitoring you.”
This should make me feel bad, but honestly, I’m numb. I don’t think I can take anything else nasty towards me, because there isn’t anything terrible that Gary can say to me that I don’t say to myself. I hate myself, I despise my very existence because of everything that I have done. I know for sure that I’m a terrible person.
“Don’t monitor me. I won’t do anything to embarrass you. I will behave.”
Gary doesn’t look impressed. “So, I am supposed to let you run around from city to city just behaving as you want to while we’re on tour, even if it involves you upsetting the fans and the media? I can’t just let you do that because if the band ends then me and Rachel are fucked as well. Unfortunately for you, I have to watch you.”
I rise to my feet, about to scream if I don’t get outside and head towards a bar soon enough. “If I am that much of an issue to you, then why don’t you chuck me out of the band? Huh? Carry on without me?”
“Are you serious?” Gary rakes his fingers through his hair. “Because we love you, that’s why. Because there is no band without you. Because we’re a family. A second family for you. And families are always there for one another no matter what. So, we are going to be here for you until the very end.”
The word ‘family’ only sends a powerful and uncomfortable shudder down my spine. I don’t deserve a family; I certainly don’t deserve a second one. Why would anyone want to be a family with me? When I treat those I love like nothing, just for my own gain. Just because I think I’m in love.
I shake my head and turn away from Gary, now seriously needing to leave. I need to find a bar where I can drink without being fucking monitored. Where I can get myself into that wonderful stupor where nothing can touch me…
Chapter 3 - Freya
“Freya, are you still there?” Nathan calls into the phone. “You have been very quiet for the last couple of minutes. You haven’t hung up the phone on me, have you? I don’t want to be talking to a deadline.”
“I’m still here,” I rasp back. “I’m just waiting, that’s all. Stood here like a fool with my cases.”
I feel weird, more anxious than I have ever been before about going on a tour. On the first tour I had ever been on, I promised myself that it would be the worst and I’d soon get used to it, but this is definitely worse. Even being on my own up on the stage isn’t as scary as this. Meeting Blood Red Masters for the first time is petrifying. I don’t know what they will be like, I don’t know what rock stars are like, and the unknown is terrifying. With every passing second, I can feel myself getting increasingly worked up.
“You will be fine,” Nathan reassures me. “The guys from the band are just human too. Who knows they are probably nervous to speak to you as well. Remember that you have a way of making people love you.”
“Yes, the people that I’m used to! The people that I know how to act around…”
“This isn’t like you’re walking into a motorcycle gang or anything. It’s just more musicians.”
I try to laugh at Nathan’s remark, but the sound doesn’t quite come out. The nerves have my throat strangled. “Yes, I suppose so. But these are more than just people, aren’t they? These are the guys that I will be sharing a tour bus with and a stage over the next few months. I kinda need these people to love me…”
My words fall apart as I see a giant black coach heading towards me with tinted windows. A black tour bus. One that can only belong to Blood Red Masters. My heart balls up in my throat, pounding so hard that I fear it might explode from my body if I’m not careful. My fingers tingle painfully, my muscles tense right up, I stop breathing completely. It’s here, which means that it’s time, that I’m about to step into a new phase of my career and life. God, this is a moment of transition, which is exhilarating and wild, but nerve wrecking beyond belief. I get bolts of self-doubt, moments of believing that I can’t do this, but I need to try anyway.
“I have to go,” I whisper to Nathan. “The bus is here. I will call you later, okay?”
I can hear Nathan still talking to me, but I hang up the phone regardless. We can talk later on, and he can tell me whatever it is he needs to say then. Right now, I have to get to know the people that I hope are about to become my new friends. Or at least people I can have a work related connection to.
The bus pulls up beside me, causing me to suck in and hold a breath. I wonder if I should smile so I don’t look as much of a freak as I feel, but I really can’t seem to make that happen. I’m frozen, encased in ice.
The doors hiss and pop apart, revealing the coolest woman I have ever seen. I know her well now; I have watched her epic drumming online enough times to recognize her. Immediately, I feel like a fan girl.
“Rachel,” I gush. “Hello, it’s really nice to meet you.” I stick out my hand. “I’m Freya.”
Instead of taking my hand and shaking it, Rachel tugs me towards her, and she hugs me. There is a real warmth coming from her body which allows my muscles to relax just a little bit.
“Nice to meet you, Freya. I can’t wait to have you on tour with us. It’s going to be amazing.” She pulls back to look at me with the most welcoming smile on her face. If Nathan thinks that I have a way of bringing people around to liking me, then he should meet Rachel. Wow, she is something else. “We’ll have lots of fun.”
I nod and laugh, a genuine sound this time around. This woman is awesome, she has made me a lot more relaxed than I was a few moments ago. If she can do that in a couple of moments, I can only imagine what she will be like the rest of the time. “That sounds good to me. I like having fun on tour.”
“I know! I have been watching some of your shows online.” It seems funny that this incredible woman would be watching me, just as I have been watching her. “You’re great to watch. But your newer album is a lot more raw, isn’t it? I have listened that one and it’s so good. Unlike anything I have ever heard before.”
Oh wow, this compliment knocks me off my feet but in a really good way. A great way actually. I can feel a heat traveling through my body as I thank her for caring enough to get to know me. If the rest of the band are like this, then I will soon be wondering what I was worrying about at all.
“Here, let me take your case,” Rachel finally says. “Let’s get it tossed on the bus.” She glances at her watch. “The other boys should be here soon, Gary has been in a meeting with management all morning, getting us organized which you will soon see is something that he likes to do a lot. And Alex…well, I don’t know where Alex is, but he should be here soon enough, and you will get to spend some time with him as well.”
I don’t miss the way that her face darkens, and it has me curious as to what Alex might be up to. But I’m definitely not in the inner circle enough to ask for any details. Maybe it will all become obvious soon enough.
“I’m here, I’m here!” A voice calls out from behind me, grabbing my attention. I turn to see another face I recognize racing towards us. Gary, it has to be. “Sorry I know that I’m late, but things over ran a bit… oh.” He smiles as he looks at me talking to Rachel. “You must be Freya. Nice to meet you.”
He shakes my hands in a very civilized manner, unlike the rock and roll greeting that I was expecting. It’s nice actually. It makes me feel much calmer and fitting in
to this strange crowd. I like it.
“Hi, Gary. Rachel was just telling me that you had a meeting. You must be the one who holds it all together.”
“Seems like you are too, since you’re by yourself, so I guess we have this in common.”
“That’s very true! What a good thing that we will have plenty to talk about.”
We all head on to the bus together, and I find myself analyzing these two new people in my life, wondering how I will feel about them when I finish with this tour. I’m sure that Rachel will be the one that I keep in touch with for a long time to come, for musical reasons and probably friendship as well. Gary, I might not have such a long term bond with, but I’m sure that whenever we see each other at industry events, which I hope will happen a lot, that we will be as friendly as we have been the last time we saw one another.
I know that there is still one other person to complete this mix, but I don’t mind not meeting him right away, which I would say has nothing to do with all of Linda’s jokes about him, but I don’t think that’s quite the truth. She has made me all worked up and anxious to meet this hot rock god.
“The bus is nice!” I declare once I have been shown around. “Much bigger and more luxurious than the one I had on my last tour. Do you think that’s because I’m on my own?”
“Probably!” Gary agrees. “When there is a few of you, they need to give you space, so you don’t kill each other. I’m sure that touring alone isn’t easy, but nor is touring with other people. Which you will see.”
Gary’s face darkens for a second as well, a bit like Rachel’s did when she was talking about Alex. I so desperately want to ask him if he has an issue with the lead singer and guitarist as well, but the words don’t come. I just have to remember that it isn’t my place to ask. Not yet anyway. I will just have to wait and see.
“So, are you all set up?” Rachel asks with a grin. “You don’t need any help with anything?”
“I think I might be good.” I nod along with her. “But thank you, I really appreciate it.”
“I’m here! I’m… oops. I’m here. Sorry I didn’t mean to fall then. Not my best move.”
“Oh no,” Rachel mutters underneath her breath. “That’s just perfect, that is.”
My heart stops beating. I’m pretty sure I’m starting to see what the issue is. Alex is quite clearly very drunk, it’s obvious from his voice, and since it’s only eight AM, that’s clearly an issue. I twist to see him staggering up the bus steps, barely able to keep himself upright, and disappointment crushes me. When I think about the man that I have spent endless hours watching and admiring on YouTube, loving his talent and wondering what he’s going to be like in real life, it’s a shame to see that he’s not any ordinary man but a drunkard. One with very obvious and heart breaking flaws. All the fans who must absolutely adore this man would be sad to know who he really is.
“Come on, Alex,” Gary snaps. “We really need to get going. We need to be there today…”
“Alright, woah!” Alex laughs, like this is actually funny. “No need to get your panties all in a twist. I’m here, aren’t I? I haven’t let you down by just… oops…” He lurches as if the bus is moving already, which is just tragic to watch. I have to avert my eyes because it’s just embarrassing to see. “God, right, well I’m here to get us going and you can trust me that we will have a kick ass show tonight because that’s what I do… oh, who are you?”
As I shrink under his intense gaze, I would rather be anywhere in the world but here! “Freya.”
“Freya? Who the fuck…?” He hiccups loudly. “Oh, the pop princess trying to claim our fame. Coming on tour with us because she wants to pretend that she’s all… rock and roll.” More hiccupping. “What a joke”
He crashes down on the nearest bunk bed, asleep practically right away, and I stare at him in shock. A rude drunk who doesn’t seem to care about anyone other than himself. That isn’t who I expected to meet today.
“Sorry about him,” Rachel tells me wryly. “He’s a dick when he’s drunk. To all of us.”
“Right, I see.” That actually doesn’t make me feel any better. It just suggests that Alex and his drinking followed by his rude comments, clearly about the fact that he doesn’t want me around, is something that I am going to have to content with a lot. This isn’t going to be as perfect as I first thought. “Okay.”
“Come on.” She squeezes my arm reassuringly. “Let’s get going. He’ll sleep it off and sober up. Hopefully before the show. I really don’t want him to fuck everything up for us.”
All of a sudden, I wonder what the hell Nathan has gotten me into. Does he even know? Will I cope?
Chapter 4 - Alex
“I am not hung over,” I scream at Gary, my temper starting to get the better of me now. I might have a pounding head and a churning stomach, but that has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m talking about now. Anyone would feel like shit after being in various bars for forty eight hours with no rest, followed by a shitty sleep in the uncomfortable tour bus beds, but that still doesn’t affect my opinion. “Just listen to me, will you…”
“Look, Hank will be here in a moment, why don’t you discuss it with him?”
“Because Hank, our so called band manager who is supposed to have our best interests at heart isn’t exactly doing the right things. He’s the one who had the bright idea to change our image completely by bringing someone on board who isn’t going to fit in with us at all. And for what? For money? Because it sure as shit can’t be for the fans. They are going to hate it.”
“Look, Alex, I told you all about Freya coming on tour with us a while back and you didn’t care…”
“You might have given me some vague details, but I wouldn’t say you told me. I certainly didn’t come away from our meeting feeling like I knew it was going to be some bubble bitch with us. Someone who has fucking pink in her hair. I mean, what sort of image does that give when it comes to us?”
“Are you really angry about Freya? Because it seems like something else…”
“If you want to suggest that I am hung over again then I will kick some ass…”
“I didn’t actually mean that,” Gary interrupts me. “I was more thinking of the fact that she is a woman and that’s the reason you might not want her around. After… you know, everything that happened…” It makes me cringe that he feels like he needs to word it that way. It’s so embarrassing. Why not just tell it like it is and call it the fuck up of my life? “It seems like you don’t want to be around anyone. But mostly women. Like they offend you or something. Even Rachel is worried that you don’t want to be in her presence anymore, which is hard.”
I’m stunned. Actually shocked into silence. Is this some kind of a sick joke? Has Gary got things so twisted in his mind that he thinks I have some vendetta against women now? What an asshole.
“If you are going to speak to me like that, then I don’t want to talk to you, Gary. I’ll wait for Hank.”
“And say what?” He shrugs, clearly stressed by me, frustrated that he isn’t getting through to me. “That you don’t like Freya being here? How will he change that now? We have our first show soon…”
“We can go on without a support act. We don’t need one. Better to have no one than some talentless bitch who doesn’t know a thing about music. Don’t you think?”
“You don’t know that she isn’t talented.” I guess Gary isn’t about to let this go despite the fact that I am clearly in the right. “You haven’t ever heard her sing. Why are you judging her already?”
I sigh and roll my eyes. “Haven’t you seen her, Gary? She’s beautiful. In the pop music industry, the ones with beauty don’t necessarily need to be able to sing good, never mind anything else. Hank probably hired her for her looks. But with us, and bands like us, fans like us for the music, for the talent. Not because of a pretty face and a nice ass.”
“Ah, Hank, thank God.” Gary looks visibly relieved not to have to deal with me anymore. We
ll, if he doesn’t want to hear the harsh truth then that is just tough shit. Hiding things and keeping them inside never got me anywhere so I don’t intend to continue down that route. I mean, what would have happened if I would have just told Angelo from the first moment I met Mandy that I loved her and wanted to be with her? We could be together now…
No, I scold myself angrily. Don’t start asking ‘what if?’ because it makes no difference.
“Can you talk some sense into this idiot?” Gary snaps. “He’s decided to get offended over Freya.”
“Well, you can’t get offended now,” Hank snaps with a clear disinterest. Doesn’t Gary see this? Hank doesn’t care anymore. He’s lost focus when it comes to the band. We need to get us a new manager now. “It’s too late. We’re going on stage soon for the first tour date. This is something we can talk about later.”
“We can just have no support band. That will be better than Little Miss Sugary Sweet.”
“You obviously haven’t listened to her then. She’s nothing like that at all. So, if you haven’t experienced her music, Alex, then I don’t want to hear what you have to say. This is a good thing for Freya and the band. The last thing any of us needs is you stomping all your negativity all over it. You have more important things to worry about anyway.” He eyes me suspiciously. “Like not touching another drink until you get up on stage.”
“I wish that everyone would just stop going on about my drinking like it’s a problem!” I yell. “It isn’t. In case none of you have noticed, I’ve been through a bit of a shitty time recently. So, yes, maybe I’m not one hundred percent myself at the moment. And yes, maybe I have been numbing the pain more than usual, but all you’re doing with your nagging is adding to it. Giving me something else to be upset about.”
