by Brenda Ford
As I get closer to his bedroom, my heart kicks up a notch, my pulse racing at the speed of light. I don’t know what to expect when I get in that room, I don’t know what drunken state he is going to be in, and that works me up. I have seen him in various stages of intoxication and none of them are ever pleasant. The only time I find him easy to be around is when he hasn’t had a drink, which is a shame because it’s such a rare sight.
Before I knock, mostly because I’m trying to work up the courage to do so, I press my ear to the door to see if I can hear what’s going on inside. I expect silence, that’s what I think I will get, or snoring as he sleeps off yet another hang over, but that isn’t what I’m greeted with at all. There is yelling, and a lot of it.
“Fuck,” I whisper to myself. “Who is that? That isn’t going to help him. Talk to him nicely.”
If I was a braver person, then I would knock on the door regardless and go inside. I would tell them all that Alex doesn’t need to be yelled at like he’s a child, he needs someone to understand and help him, to take care of him in the way that he doesn’t seem to be able to take care of himself… but I’m not brave. I’m not able to get in the middle of things because I don’t think that it has anything to do with me. I’m not a member of the band, I am just a person on the side line unable to ever really slot in for real. My opinion doesn’t really matter anyway. Plus, if I step in to that room and say all of that stuff then I will be acting more like a mother than anyone else.
I scoot back from the door and wait in the hallway, wondering which way I should run. I really don’t want to go back to my room, and I don’t want to leave Alex alone here either…
Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
“Fuck!” I grab my cell phone immediately, practically leaping in to the air with shock. My ring tone isn’t a loud one, but in this awkward moment, it feels louder than anything else. “Hi, Mom…”
“Are you okay?” Instantly she jumps on the way I’m feeling. “You sound out of breath.”
“I’m just…” I trail off as I realize that I can’t really explain what I’m up to. “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? Because don’t forget, I do know you, Freya. And I can tell when something is up. Plus, I also have eyes so I have been looking at what’s been going on during your vampire tour. I’m not happy to know that you are in the middle of that. Do you need me to come on the tour with you for a while?”
“Oh no,” I burst out, horrified by the idea. I love my mom, but I don’t think that having her around on tour with me is the best idea. She’s much too fussy. Plus, she would hate this. It’s too complicated for her. Anyway, I am an adult and I can deal with my issues myself. In theory. “No, I’m good. Nathan is trying to sort me out leaving anyway when it becomes no longer a positive move for my career. So, I might be back home soon.”
As me and Mom talk for a little while longer, I lean against the wall around the corner and remain in this hallway, unable to leave this spot even as I have a private conversation with my mother. I just need to be here like I am a bouncer for Alex, just waiting for the moment that I can check on him to see that he’s okay. Even through everything, he is still a priority. I want Alex to be okay as much as I want myself to survive this mess. I mean, what the hell is wrong with me?
Chapter 12 - Alex
“Have you seen all of this?” Gary screams, practically in my face. “This press is a fucking nightmare. It’s a joke, it has to be. We can’t actually be living through this, can we? We have all made endless exceptions for you because of what you have been through, but not anymore. Now, you are wrecking everything. It isn’t fair.”
“But, Gary…” I try, really wanting to calm him down, but his face is all red with anger and he is practically spitting out each word. He isn’t about to listen to a damn thing that I have to say.
“We are all working our asses off to make Blood Red Masters a success. This band isn’t just you and it hasn’t ever been. I think it would be best for you to remember how much me and Rachel have put in to all of this as well. And not just me and her. All of us. Hank, the crew, every single fucking person. I know that it seems to be hard for you to remember that you aren’t the only person in the world, but you’re not.”
“I don’t…” I really need to get just one word in. Once I get that far, he might turn around.
“All you give a shit about is where your next drink is coming from. It’s so frustrating. I bet you aren’t even listening to what I’m saying right now. Instead, your brain is in the bar.”
“No, that isn’t…” Fucking hell. I throw my hands in the air in frustration.
“You don’t even care about these headlines, do you? I can see it in your eyes. You aren’t even paying any attention. It’s nothing to you. Not a damn thing. This is fucking pathetic.”
I hang my head low as a sadness crushes me. It digs right in to my soul and leaves me in agony. I hate the fact that Gary is so angry with me, that he has actual hatred towards me, and he isn’t in the wrong at all.
“Look at me!” Gary screams. “Look me in the eyes at last and face this. Admit that you have been playing shit recently and it’s a disappointment to the fans. Say it aloud that you have fucked up over and over again. Say it. I want to hear that you know what you have done wrong before you head down a bottle again.”
I part my lips, about to tell him everything that he wants to hear, but the words don’t quite come out. I don’t know why, it feels like there is a blockade in the back of my throat, preventing me from admitting anything. The moment I admit it, I will need to make a change. And while I need to make a change, it’s terrifying. The change will be a giant one, it will have to come from the bottom of my heart, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet.
“See, you can’t even say it! You can’t even face what you have done. That’s the hardest thing for me. I have fucked up, I’m sure. I have made mistakes as well. I’m not standing here, telling you that I’m perfect, but I can face what I have done. I always face it and that’s how I make up for what I have done.”
“I know, I just…” I sigh loudly, wishing that I could be alone. And not even to drink. Just to puke.
“Fucking hell, Alex, I just want to shake you!” Gary yells. “I could tear your head off for this. Do you even know what you have done? This is supposed to be your dream coming true and you’re throwing it away…”
“Gary.” Rachel jumps in, her voice soft as she touches his shoulder to shut him up. “I think that it might be time to take it down a notch or two. I know that you aren’t happy, and you have had a lot to get off your chest, which is why I have stood here and let you yell, but I think that it might be time to calm down now. The shouting isn’t getting anyone anywhere. You keep demanding answers from Alex, then not giving him any time to answer.”
“He has nothing to say, that’s why. I am giving him a chance. He just isn’t taking it.”
Rachel gives him a cold look which silences him. She has that power over him, me too, which has helped us a lot of times in the past. She’s the glue which holds us together when the world threatens to tear us apart. But we haven’t ever had it when I am the issue before, threatening to ruin everything.
“Look, I am not happy about things either,” Rachel says once Gary has taken a step back. “I think that much is obvious. I can’t be happy about my band falling apart at the seams, but at the same time, I understand why you are in such a bad place. But I don’t want to talk about the issues that brought us here, I don’t even want to talk about the mess that we’re in because there isn’t any point. This isn’t something that can be changed. What I want to talk about is where we go from here. Let’s make some positive plans for the future, shall we?”
Her words lift a giant weight off my shoulders. One that I didn’t even realize was there. I don’t want to talk about what’s going on right now either because it’s all just a stick inescapable mess. But if we’re going to make a plan moving forward then that is some
thing that I can get on board with.
“Okay.” I nod and half smile at Rachel. “I like that. Let’s make a plan to go along with.”
“So, what can we do to help you? Because even through all of Gary’s yelling, that is all we really want to do.”
“I… I don’t know,” I admit. “I don’t know what you can do really. This is all on me, isn’t it? I’m the one who needs to make some changes. I need to… to stop drinking.” I try to ignore Gary’s scoffing sound. “I need to be clean for the rest of the tour because otherwise I will keep making a mess.”
“Okay, so we can make sure the tour bus is clean,” Rachel agrees. “And all the back stage areas. I will also make sure that Hank informs any media places that we need to go that none of us are drinking. We certainly don’t need to make this a big deal with everyone else involved. No one has to know but us.”
She’s sweet. As if the whole world isn’t already aware from all the newspaper articles. But I take her kindness for what it is and I nod and smile. “Thank you, Rachel, that would be great.”
“And if you are ever feeling weak and wanting a drink, then just come and talk to one of us. We will find a way to help you. All we want to do is sort you out if we can. You just need to let us.”
“Okay.” I gulp, trying to swallow the thick ball that lodges itself in my throat but it remains. I am doing my best to be brave, but I can’t stop myself from panicking about the reality of not having another drink for the rest of the tour. Staying sober means that I will have to face all of the difficult I prefer to get rid of. But since I have let Rachel and Gary down enough, I owe it to them to at least try. If I just focus on the positive and believe that this will help me to get through it quicker, then I might just be able to do it. “I won’t let you down.”
Rachel beams with a giant grin and she pulls me in for a hug. A reassuring hug that shows me just how much she is going to be there for me. Gary pats me on the shoulder, but I can already see that he doesn’t trust my words. And I don’t blame him. How can I? I haven’t done anything to earn his trust. But I will. I’ll prove him wrong. I’m going to have to. If I don’t then I will lose absolutely everything in the world. The one thing that I have left.
“I will do this.” I try to convince him. “You’ll see. I will.”
“Hmmm, well I have shit to take care of.” He grabs the newspaper once more, letting me know exactly what he is talking about. He’s going to take it upon himself to work with Hank and the public relations team to calm this down… somehow. “I guess we can have another chat about this later. I hope you change my mind.”
“Don’t worry about him,” Rachel whispers as Gary storms out of the door. “He’s angry right now, but you know what he’s like. He explodes in a temper and then calms down and sees it more rationally.”
“I don’t know if he will with this one though,” I reply sadly. “I mean, this is a serious issue. Everything that he yelled at me was right. I am a fuck up and I have made a mess of things. Everything. It isn’t fair on you guys. You aren’t the ones who got yourself in to a messy situation. You didn’t get your heart broken by someone who you had no business going on in the first place. I did all of that, and now I’m not dealing with the consequences well. But I will. I’ll get my head around it all and sort my life out. I promise you.”
She nods. “I trust you. I know that you can do this. I believe in you.”
“Thank you, Rachel.” Fuck, she has just heaped a whole bunch of pressure on my shoulders, not that she meant to. Just by believing in me, it means I have to do this for her. “Thank you, I will try.”
She walks out the hotel room too, leaving me alone. I have visions of her heading down to the bar to buy every bottle in there right now, just to make me stick to what I have agreed. As if I don’t have a stash in my own suitcase that I could dive right in to at any given moment if I wanted to. Not that I’m going to. Actually, if I was going to be a great person right now, then I would grab every bottle and tip all of the liquid out to prove to myself that I’m going to stick to what I have just promised my band mates. But while I’m not going to start drinking it all, I am going to do what I said, I’m not quite ready to take that giant step just yet. I can’t.
I dart my eyes over to the cases, my mouth salivating with an impulse to break my promise already. If I don’t even try to keep it, then I can’t be blamed when it all goes wrong, can I? But then I think about Rachel’s understand face and Gary’s angry one, and I immediately change my mind. I owe it to them to try.
“Fuck,” I hiss angrily. “Fuck, I need to get out of here. I need to get out of this room.”
I leap up from my bed and race towards the door before I can do anything stupid, and I swing the door open. I jump backwards, my mouth open in shock as I see a figure on the other side of the door.
“Freya?” I ask, unsure as to what she’s doing here. Have I agreed something? Or is she here to yell at me as well? I don’t know if I can take more. “Are you okay?”
Chapter 13 - Freya
“Am I okay?” I almost laugh at his kind words. Why is he worried about that when he is in this pit of hell? “I’m fine, what is going on? Are you okay? I just want to see if you need any help?”
He cocks his head to one side and stares at me curiously as if he’s trying to work me out. “I’m good.”
“You know, you can be honest with me even when you haven’t had a drink? I’m not in your inner circle, which I know probably means you can’t talk to me in the way that you would people closer to you… or it might mean that you can be more honest with me.” He says nothing. Probably because I’m not making any sense. “Or we can just sit in silence. You don’t have to say anything to me. I would just rather not leave you alone.”
“You know what? There are some lovely gardens here apparently. According to the flyers in the corner of the room. I really could do with getting out of this room if you want to come for a walk with me.”
I sigh with relief and nod. I’m glad that he’s willing to let me in just a little bit. “Sure, sounds good. I read the flyers as well and I have seen a rose garden that I wouldn’t mind checking out if we have a chance.”
He holds out his elbow to me and I take it. He walks me towards the elevator, and we step inside. The atmosphere is weirdly electric between us as we descend to the bottom floor of the hotel. There is definitely something sizzling and fizzing around us and through us. I’m just glad that there is another couple behind us to soak some of it up, so I don’t get totally freaked out by it. I mean, the last thing I need right now is to complicate this with any kind of feelings. Not for this man who just needs help.
“Right, let’s go outside,” Alex finally says as we step outside once more. I can hear the strain in his voice which just suggested to me that he can feel all of this too. Probably because he doesn’t seem to be drunk right now. “I think it’s this way to the gardens, come on. I need some fresh air.”
As soon as we step in to the gardens, which immediately strike me as incredibly beautiful, I’m struck by how quiet it is. It’s a lovely sunny day, I would have expected everyone to be here, but it seems to just be me and Alex. Thank goodness we’re out in the world though, not stuck in that tiny elevator where there isn’t anywhere to escape the strangeness between us. Out here, it can be absorbed in nature.
“Oh look, there are the roses!” Alex points out. “And what looks like a bench. Let’s have a seat, shall we? Enjoy this moment of calm before we have to move on to another city and it all kicks off again.”
I want to laugh at what is clearly a joke, but it’s all too raw for that. We don’t know what is going to happen when we get to the next city. It could explode in the worst way possible. So, yes, it is a good idea for me to follow him silently and to take a seat beside him near the roses. I inhale deeply and take in the smell. It’s wonderful. If I close my eyes and just feel through my senses for a moment, then everything could be perfect.
But it isn�
�t. It doesn’t matter how much I try to block out the world. It’s still there.
“I fucked up,” Alex says, breaking the silence for me. “I fucked up bad, didn’t I? You don’t need to sugar coat it for me because Gary sure as hell didn’t. He was rough as hell on me, so you can be too.”
This puts me on the spot. I don’t want to lie to him, but I also don’t know how honest he needs me to be.
“Look, you haven’t been your best, have you? You don’t need me to tell you that. But at the same time, it isn’t as bad as the press have been saying. The band isn’t anywhere near failure.”
“Hmm, I hope not, because I really don’t want to lose everything because of Mandy.”
As he mentions the same woman’s name once more, this time sober, everything bristles inside of me. I sit up straighter and stare right at him, begging him to continue. I need to know this whole story now and in a coherent manner. The bits that I have had up until this point haven’t made too much sense.
“Mandy, by the way, was Angelo’s girlfriend when I was sleeping with her. I know that I have told you all sorts about what I did, but since I don’t remember those conversations, I might as well fill you in.”
“Angelo?” I gasp, trying to wrap my head around that word. “Your twin brother?”
“Mhmm. Yep. I know. I’m the worst person in the world. The biggest fuck up possible. Who does that? That’s what I still can’t work out. What the hell was wrong with me when I was doing all of that?”
“You… you love her though, right?” I ask, my voice shaky with shock. “That’s why.”
“I loved her, sure.” He puts emphasis on the ‘ed’ to put his feelings in the past. Not that I’m one hundred percent sure that I believe him. “But that doesn’t excuse my behavior, does it? That’s why I won’t ever forgive myself. Because I know what I am capable of. Because I know that I am a distrust worthy shit.”
