by Brenda Ford
I consider reaching out for a bath robe to cover myself up, but before I can make that happen my other arm swings the door open. It’s too damn late at night – or maybe early in the morning I don’t know – for me to have proper control over my body. I guess the anticipation got the better of me and I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Alex?” I gasp as I see him. “What’s going on? What are you doing here? You look…”
My face falls as I recognize that glazed over look in his eyes. He’s wasted. Again. After acting like he was going to be better and after not drinking for a bit, I thought that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel… but now, he looks worse than I have ever seen him before. What the hell is going on?
“You didn’t… didn’t want to talk,” he slurs while leaning against the door frame. “Before?”
“I didn’t want to talk.” I narrow my eyes as he almost falls towards me, only holding himself up at the last second. I really need to wake up more if I don’t want to end up crushed underneath him. “About what?”
“About what? Me and you of course. What else would it be about? Me and you and what happened.”
I practically pull him inside and close the door behind him just in case there is any other muttering at this time of night and they overhear. Since we don’t know what the hell is going on, I don’t want others to know.
“We don’t need to talk about it, do we? We don’t need to have that conversation. It’s unnecessary.”
“It isn’t!” He throws his hands in the air in frustration. “It isn’t because we need to talk about it. We can’t just leave it, can we? It’s too much for that. What’s going on between us is too much.”
“What do you mean?” I reach out to hold him up as he almost falls once more. “Don’t you think that this is a conversation that we should have in the morning when you aren’t so drunk?”
“I’m not drunk!” he insists while grabbing on to my shoulders. “This isn’t me drunk; you know. This is just me being all normal. All normal and having a… a normal conversation after having sex.”
“You have this conversation with every girl you have sex with.” I reply coldly.
“Not when it’s just a one night stand, no. But this isn’t that, is it? Me and you…”
I gasp loudly as he suggests that we’re more than a one night stand. I never would have thought that would come from him. “But we were just a hook up because you’re still in love with someone else…”
“I don’t fucking love her,” he tries. “I don’t know if I ever did. Or maybe I did which is why I acted so crazy and I screwed over my twin brother for her. But I mean, can it be love if it isn’t reciprocated.”
“Urgh, I don’t know about that. It’s three in the morning. I can’t talk about love…”
“Have you ever been in love?” he demands. “Do you get it? Was it reciprocated?”
“I… no, I haven’t ever been in love before.” I don’t know why it feels so strange to admit that.
“You haven’t? Do you ever think that you could fall in love? Do you think it’s possible?”
I shrug helplessly. “I suppose so. It isn’t something that I have ever thought about because I have always been centered in on my career. I haven’t been looking for love and I guess it hasn’t found me.”
He steps closer to me and strokes my cheek, surprisingly gently for someone who has drunk his weight in booze. “Until now… now you might have found it and you can’t even see it.”
I stare into his eyes trying to work out what the hell he is talking about, but the only thing I can assume is that it’s just drunken nonsense. He can’t really mean all of this, can he? He can’t go all the way from in love with one person to another, however much he has had his heart broken and he wants to move on. This means nothing. I need to remember that by the time the morning comes around he won’t remember any of it.
“Right, well I don’t know what to say to that, so I will suggest that you get to bed. Do you want me to take you to your hotel room? I don’t think that you can be trusted alone. You might walk in on someone else.”
“I don’t want to be alone,” he barks. “I can’t be alone. It’s hard when I am alone. I don’t think you get it.”
“No one likes being alone. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give you my company to walk back to your room.”
“Let me stay with you.” He clings to my arm and begs me. “Please, let me stay here. I want to stay here with you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know that you love me yet, we can just be.”
Fucking hell, Alex is being far too much for me. I need to put an end to this. “I don’t think we should be throwing around the L word like it doesn’t mean anything because I find it a bit much…”
“I would never use the L word if I didn’t mean it. I’m not that sort of person. Especially after all that I have been through. I only say love if I mean love…” He laughs loudly, a sound that is really out of place in this conversation. “And I mean it. It’s going to happen for me and you.”
He staggers backwards and actually ends up falling backwards on the bed, still laughing like a lunatic. All I can do is watch in shock and amazement as he settles in, making himself comfortable on my bed like he belongs. Like I have given him permission to be there. The thing is, I suppose I already have. Mentally anyway.
“You are mad,” I say softly with a small smile playing on my lips. “Honestly insane.”
I ran away from Alex after we slept together. As soon as he climbed into my bed and he crashed asleep, I did the smartest thing that I could think of and I left. I didn’t want to have any kind of awkward conversation. I assumed that he would feel the same way as well. After everything that he is going through, I didn’t want to add pressure on for what I only assumed was going to be a moment of madness. It’s why I avoided him on the tour bus, and I didn’t know what to say to him back stage before the show. I didn’t know that he actually wanted to talk. I really hope that isn’t the reason he has ended up in this state tonight. I would hate to think that me trying to keep a distance to do the right thing for him, actually tipped him right over the edge once more.
“Insane for you.” He smiles up at me. “I didn’t think that I could be insane for anyone again, but I am.”
God, I so wish that I could fall for those words. I wish they meant the truth. To Alex, in this moment, they probably do. But I know that they can’t. He is still very much a broken man over this Mandy. The woman who turned his head so hard that his neck almost snapped. The woman who has practically killed him.
Without any more words, I climb into the bed beside him and I wrap an arm around him. If he’s going to be here, then I might as well gain some comfort from him. It is actually nice to have him around beside me, his body warmth heating me up. This should send me to sleep right away, combined with the exhaustion that three AM brings with it, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I should be out cold. But I’m not. Instead, I can’t stop thinking about everything that Alex has said to me. All the stuff about falling in love and us ending up together. It’s a fantasy that I could easily fall in to if I allowed myself to. It doesn’t matter how much I know that I shouldn’t start getting my head any further in to this, I can’t stop. I have no control over it.
If the situation were different and Alex was healthy when we met, not stuck with alcohol and hung up over some other woman, then I could easily fall for him. There’s a big part of me that wants to tumble in to that emotion as it is, despite all the complications surrounding us, so if they weren’t there then I would happily live out my rock boy fantasy. Because with Alex, it isn’t all wild nights, long parties, and steamy sex. I actually like the person he is underneath the mask of alcohol. I enjoy his sweet personality, his good heart, the man that he could be… if he wasn’t struggling, Alex Smith is the man that I could love, that I could bring home to meet my parents, that I could marry and have a family with. Me and him could have it all. The perfect life.
I didn’t ever want love anyway. That wasn’t in the plan. At least not yet. Not while I’m building up my career. Maybe what I need to think is that this is just a moment in my life, a second to have some blissful fun, but then it will be time to move on and go back to my job. Back to the focus I have always had. Then maybe in the future, the prospect of love will come up again. But at a time that I am ready for it and with a man who is also ready. Love can’t always be enough, I suppose. There are a lot of other things that need make sense as well.
“It’s a shame,” I whisper to a sleeping Alex. My finger traces over his chest as I try not to sob. “A real shame but me and you… well, it isn’t the right time, so we can’t fall. Even if we want to.”
I slide my eyes closed and try to get some sleep, trying not to cry over what could be if things were different. If we could just be in love. It would be wonderful, wouldn’t it? It would be a dream come true. But I’m starting to see that not all dreams can come true, so I need to be satisfied with just enjoying the moment right now.
Chapter 18 - Alex
I can feel Freya beside me before I even open my eyes. my dream has become a reality, she is here with me, which makes me smile. Even though I fucked up last night, even though I have a stinking hangover pounding in my head, I am waking up happy. This is going to be a damn fine day.
I barely recall how I ended up in bed with Freya. I’m not totally sure what has brought me here. I do have snippets of memories of me and her talking not long after I left the purple lips behind in the bar, disappointed and screaming profanities at me, but that’s about it. I don’t recall what was said or how it ended, but I can only assume well. She hasn’t kicked me to the curb and told me that she hates me, which is a good sign.
“Morning,” I mutter to her, snuggling in tighter. “You’re still here this time.”
“Still here?” she laughs. “You do realize that you are the one in my bed, right?”
“You haven’t run away. I’m taking that as a win, no matter what you’re saying right now.”
I tilt my head up to look at Freya, to drink in her gorgeous morning appearance. She is more stunning here with her bed head and natural face than I have ever seen her before. She is beautiful, wonderful, everything that I could ever want and more. Right now, she feels like a smart decision, which isn’t normal for me. It frightens me, it makes me want to pull back and head for the hills, and it also makes me want to jump head first in to it. I want to swim in this happiness forever more because it’s such a warm and happy place.
As I catch Freya’s eyes, I wonder if anything will make her run from me. Anything at all. Gary hates my guts as it is, and Rachel would lose her shit and all her sympathy would vanish if she knew what a state that I got myself in to last night. But Freya knows and she’s still here. She’s a rock for me. The one person who has stuck around when no one else bothered. I just need to make sure that I don’t rely too heavily on her.
“You’re glad then?” Freya asks with a smirk. “That I’m still here? That I haven’t run away?”
I shimmy up her body until our noses are touching, the electricity shooting between us. “Yes, I’m glad.”
She rubs her nose against mine a couple of times, her gaze fixed on mine the entire time. Flickers of memories from last night blast in to my brain as we share this moment. I’m immediately aware that there was a lot of conversation about love. From me, I think. Feelings that I never thought I would feel. Yet they are here, the emotions are still swimming violently through me, swallowing me up whole.
Eventually, I cave. I can’t keep away from her any longer. So, I tilt my head ever so slightly to one side, and I press my lips to hers, kissing her gently. I want to kiss her romantically at first, I want her to really feel how much I adore her, how much she means to me, but of course, her gorgeous, sexy as fuck body is beside me, rolling against me, deep in to me, so it soon becomes passionate. So passionate that I can feel myself losing my mind. Freya’s tongue invades my mouth, circling around mine, drawing me in deeper… as if I’m not in deep enough when it comes to Freya. I have fallen quickly, harder than I thought I would, only this time I don’t see how I can end up burned. I really don’t think that Freya will hurt me like Mandy did in the past.
As Freya’s back arches and her breasts press against me, her legs wrapping around mine at the same time, the heat that darts through my body like a lightning bolt sets me on fire.
“Oh, Freya.” I move my lips off hers and take them down her body. “You are everything.”
Having sex first thing in the morning as I wake up isn’t something that I’m used to, or that I usually like, but there is something about this woman that ignites such a flame I can’t control myself. The need to have her is too much and it only intensifies as I slide down her body, kissing her soft, supple skin all over. There isn’t a part of her that I don’t like, that I don’t want to taste. Every so often, my tongue darts out of my mouth to taste the perspiration licking over her skin, and the sweet taste of her is incredible.
I grip on to her ass and hold her in place as my lips and tongue circle around her hips and waist. Freya mews and purrs like a fucking pussy cat as I edge myself ever closer to the waist band of her panties. I watch her fingers curl around the sheets as my mouth kisses over the cotton standing between me and her. She grips to the bed like it’s the only thing connecting her to the planet as I send her head spinning off in to space.
“Fuck, Alex,” she gasps out as my teeth nip the underneath of her underwear, the part of her that’s connected to her most sensitive area. I tug the material down, enjoying the way that her thighs tense up and buckle as her panties graze over her skin. Every part of her is on fire, flames lick all over her, and that’s because of me. I love it. I love the clear clarity of her desire as I yank the panties off her body, and I toss them to the floor.
“Oh God,” I groan as my eyes dart up her parted thighs to see her sex crying out for me. She’s dripping with need, soaking with desire, pulling me back up towards her like a fucking magnet. How can I resist?
I grip Freya’s thighs and part them further so I can have full access to her when I finally get to touch her. My heart thunders against my rib cage as I circle my finger around her clit, just a little bit, then I plunge it in to her. Freya’s back arches. A scream vibrates in her chest, her hips flip off the bed, which causes me to plunge yet another finger in to her. I love the sight of her bucking and writhing, yelling out with sheer bliss.
My lips edge in closer, I’m pulled towards her naturally, and I gently kiss her clit. The sensation of my lips against her makes her yell out once more. This sound is different though. It’s guttural, deep from within her, delicious to my ears. It makes me move faster, more frantically, all over her. The mission to coax the pleasure from her becomes all of me. It’s the only thing I can think of. I grip her hips, her ass, as my mouth explores her. My tongue, my teeth, my lips, they all devour her at once, creating a buzz all the way through her.
“I love you,” I whisper into her as I pull my tongue away for just a split second. “I do.”
I say it so quietly that she can’t hear me. I don’t think that I want her to hear me to be honest, it’s best for her not to know. It only complicates things for so many reasons. It’s also not wise for me to fall so fast, so hard again, yet I just want to say it so that a part of her knows. Even if it’s just her clit.
Then once the words are out there in the world, I can’t stop. I hold her in place while I use my mouth to fully tip her over the edge. I can tell that she’s li
ke a steam train chugging towards the station, and my tongue is the steam, continually pushing her there, determining the speed at which she reaches the peak.
“Alex!” Freya screams my name the loudest that I have ever heard her yell as I shove her over the edge, and she falls in to the abyss. “Oh, Alex! Alex.” She tugs on my hair, trying to shove me off of her because it gets too much, but she ends up tugging me back again because she wants it. “Alex, I… I… Oh God, I…”
I so want to hear where that sentence is going. I want to know if the pleasure is making her express those feelings just like me, but I don’t get to. Instead, the words become endless screams of pleasure as the orgasm shatters through her. I just have to be satisfied with driving her wild, making her lose her mind.
Eventually the shuddering slows to a stop and I can tell from her ragged breaths that the post orgasmic bliss is circling through her. I move up her, kissing the parts of her body that I think I might have missed on the way down, moaning with pleasure as my mouth touches her. She’s even better to taste now because of the sweat slicked over her skin. Ever part of her I taste has my cock harder, needier, throbbing. I can barely stand to wait once I reach her core, it kills me to have to scrabble around for a condom, but the last thing we need is any crazy little accidents to make this even more complex. I tear the latex from the wrapper and roll it down to cover myself while Freya does what she can to get her breath back. She reaches out for me, wanting to touch me, needing to have me. Her impatience makes it even harder for me not to lose my damn mind already.
“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper as I lean back down on to her. “Gorgeous.”
My lips crash with hers and my hands knot up in her hair as I bury myself deep inside of her. I press every inch of my body against hers, wanting to connect us in every single way as her wetness surrounds me. Her hips rise rapidly off the bed to meet every single thrust of mine, but that still doesn’t seem to be enough. She wants more. She grabs my shoulders and starts to roll, bringing me with her until I’m the one on my back, gazing up at her beauty. Freya straddles her legs over me, pushing herself in to a sitting position, and she angles herself so every inch of me is inside of her glorious body. With her eyes on mine, she presses her hands to my chest and rides me hard and fast, taking complete control of my body and the way that it meshes with hers.
