by Brenda Ford
“Hmmm. And what happened on the day that they died?” She can sense it. She can see what is going on underneath me, that I try to hide away. “Is there anything that you can remember?”
“I do remember,” I admit. I think that this might be the first time that I have admitted this aloud. It’s scary, but I really hope that it might be a little bit freeing as well. “I remember it well. And not for a good reason. Because the last conversation that I had with my mother was her telling me off for bugging Angelo. I was always bugging him then. He was the good boy and I was the one who couldn’t stand still. Who was always messing around and getting in trouble. The one up a tree, grazing his knee, that sort of thing.”
“You have tried to block that conversation out for your entire life, haven’t you?”
My first instinct is to shake my head no because I’m sure that’s only a recent thing. But then I realize that maybe she’s right. Everything that I have done in life has been a distraction from the feeling of letting my parents, mostly my mother, down just before she died. The sensation of her passing away disappointed in me.
Music was a great distraction from any academic failures, flings were a great distraction from the fear that I couldn’t be a good boyfriend, Mandy probably attracted me because she was a distraction all on her own. She wasn’t ever really there for me to claim. It was all just a nightmare. And then there is the booze…
All of it a distraction. All of it an addiction in its own way. All of it running away from something.
“That’s something we shall dig in today. We can have a talk about this and see how it makes you feel.”
I sigh deeply and nod, even if I don’t want to. The counselor is right, I do need to deal with all of this if I want to come out of here a better version of myself. I need to push all of this away by wading through it and dealing at last. None of this is going to be easy, but for Freya, who brought me here, I need to do it.
Knock, knock. I turn over in my bed to face the door, not really wanting to deal with whoever is there. Knock, knock. I try to ignore it pointlessly because it isn’t like I can pretend I’m not in. Knock, knock.
“Yes?” I groan, my voice foggy from the silence that I have been existing in for the last few hours.
“You have a visitor, Mr. Smith. Are you up for someone coming to see you?”
I sit upright and try and smooth my clothes down, which is another pointless activity since there isn’t any disguising that I look like shit. I don’t think it’s possible to look good in here.
“Yeah, come in. Sure.” I brace myself, wondering who it’s going to be… “Oh, Brad!”
I’m relieved and disappointed all at once. I didn’t want it to be Freya, because I don’t want her to see me like this, but at the same time, I’m also sad that it isn’t. I could use her face right now. Her smile. The lovely laugh that comes out of her mouth whenever she is at her happiest. But Brad is good too. It’s great to see him.
“Hi, Alex.” Brad takes a seat beside my bed. “Sorry it’s taken me such a long time to see you. They wouldn’t let me come before now. They said that you needed some time by yourself to sort yourself out…”
I smile and nod, knowing this must be the truth because Brad really has always been the father figure in my life ever since I lost my parents, and it’s a role that he takes very seriously. Even now that we are all adults. He is still exactly the same. It must have been killing him that he hasn’t been able to see me.
“Well, here I am doing just fine… if you can call it that in here.” I laugh. “Thank you for coming.”
“Everyone wanted to come,” he assures me. “But I wouldn’t let them. I wanted to check in on you alone first to see how you are. I think that you have been in an overwhelming state for far too long, so since this is supposed to be a tranquil place for you. Five Smith brothers doesn’t exactly create a calm environment, does it?”
I can’t help but laugh in agreement at the one. “Yes, that is very true. They are all so loud.”
“You wouldn’t get a word in edgeways. And I want to know what is going on with you right now…”
This is a hint for me to fill him in on everything, which is exactly what I do. Somehow, after spending some time talking to the counselor about things, I now find it a little easier to talk about things, I think that she might have made me less ashamed of my issues. Brad is easily my most understanding brother anyway, because he’s been such a father figure, so it’s easy for my tongue to let lose. To say it all.
“Wow,” he whispers once I have finished talking. “Wow. Alex, that is really heavy. That’s insane. I mean, all those years you have been holding on to that pain and none of us knew…”
“I didn’t even know,” I reassure him. “Don’t worry that you didn’t notice it because neither did I.”
“And all of that pain over something seemingly small. All of that agony over a little telling off from Mom. Probably something that wouldn’t even be remembered had the crash not happened…”
“But I was always annoying Angelo, wasn’t I? And the rest of you. Even when she told me not to. I think that might be a part of the issue. The fact that I was never allowed to grow up enough for her to see me improve.”
“She is looking down on you now!” Brad insists. “And she’s proud. Look at who you have become.”
“Hmm, someone worse.” I cock a knowing eyebrow. “I don’t think she would be proud of me now! But soon she would be. I’m going to make sure of it. I’m working hard to be the best that I can be.”
He gives me such a sad and sympathetic look. “It’s hardly a surprise that everything blew up, is it? For you, if you have been carrying all that pain and never talking about it. It’s not a shock that you got all caught up in that mess with Mandy. Anyone in your position would have ended up in a chaotic mess like that. You’re just lucky that Mandy was never going to be the one for Angelo, so he isn’t furious.”
Mandy’s name has no effect on me now. I expect to freak out as Brad says it. Especially because he says it more than once. But it doesn’t even cause the slightest job of pain inside of me. She really is just nothing to me now, just a sordid, nasty memory that I don’t ever need to think of again.
“That’s true. I suppose it could have been a lot worse.” All of this talking about the outside world makes me want to know what’s going on out there. I probably shouldn’t ask, it might not be helpful to my recovery, but I think the million and one unanswered questions circling my brain will be worse. I don’t want them to become just another distraction. “So, what’s going on with the band and everyone?”
“The band is working on pleasing the fans again. Offering freebies to those who brought tickets and didn’t get to see you and arranging a future replacement show for when you are better.”
“That’s good.” It’s the best that I can hope for. “I hope the world isn’t too mad.”
“The world understands, buddy. None of us are perfect.”
I want to ask about Freya as well, but that’s a step too far. That scares me. I don’t know if I want to know. So, for now I would much prefer to focus on the band drama…
Chapter 25 - Freya
I can see Linda out the corner of my eye giving me the thumbs up as I straddle the motorcycle trying to look like I might actually be riding it in this cat suit with a studded leather jacket thrown over the top. I want to smile but I know I need to pout, to keep up the look that I am a cool rock chick. This particular photoshoot might be a little bit on the rawer edge than what I had planned, I don’t want to completely abandon the pop princess side of me that has got me this far… but I get what this magazine is trying to do. To really emphasize the new me.
“Sexy, you’re looking really sexy,” the photographer calls out to me. “You are killing this, Freya.”
As I flick my hair over my shoulder and I pout at him some more, I do feel some of those things. I’m certainly looking forward to seeing how the pictures turn out. I’m seein
g a lot of myself recently, I seem to be in every publication going, but this one should be very exciting. I will need to get a copy for myself.
“Okay, great.” The photographer lowers the camera. “So, what do you think about maybe going a little more sexy? I can see you in a black lacy bralette spread on your back, inducing all kinds of fantasies…”
“No, thank you,” I bark right away. “That isn’t how I want to sell my music, thank you very much.”
“Sweetie, that’s how everyone sells their music. It’s just the way the world likes. One day or another, you’re going to end up half naked in a magazine otherwise your record label will be forced to drop you. Might as well do it now while you are a hot property and on top of your game rather than when you’re getting desperate to sell your songs. The fans know when a chick is getting sad and desperate and they don’t like it.”
And with that, my nice fun day has become a shitty one. But I’m not going to allow this asshole to control how I feel and what I do. I have already been through far too much to let that happen.
“You have enough pictures of me to go with the article,” I bark. “I think that I might be done here. I am going to get changed back in to my own clothes and do the interview, okay?”
“A diva,” he scoffs. “That’s just perfect that is. A diva who won’t take her clothes off. You won’t go anywhere. This, right here, will be the peak of your career. You’ll see. Then you will wish that you had listened…”
He continues to talk but I’m too busy walking away from him, so I don’t hear the rest. Once upon a time, words like that spoken right to my face, threatening my career might have floored me. He may have even have convinced me to do what he wants because I’d be too afraid to lose everything… but I’ve seen what it’s like to lose everything through Alex, and I have also seen what it was like when he had everything.
I am going to be in control of myself now. I will do what I think is best. If it all falls apart then I will cope. I’ll have to.
“Are you okay?” Linda hisses to me while automatically touching my hair. She can’t seem to help herself working even when she’s angry at me. “Do you need me to go over there to kick some ass?”
“No, no, I don’t need anything,” I laugh and shake my head. “He doesn’t bother me. It’s fine. We did some good pictures. It will be great. No matter what happens, it’s all going to be fine.”
“But he called you a diva. What if he writes that in the article?”
“He’s only the photographer. I get to meet the writer in a minute. It will be fine.” I shrug. “Plus, even that is written about me, it won’t kill me, will it? I’ll get through it.”
“You have always been loved before though. Everyone has adored you. I do worry that the change…”
“Come on, Linda.” I point down to my outfit. “I can handle a bit of change.”
“You are so strong, Freya. Honestly, I don’t know how you do it… all of it.”
As her face falls, I give her a warning look. Much as I didn’t want to hear the words ‘I told you so’ I ended up telling her all about me and Alex because she is such a great person to talk to about things. She was shocked, blown away, stunned… then sad. A bit like I feel right now. That’s the hardest part about all of this. Trying to move on when quite frankly I am sad. It’s such a shame that things failed when they could have been amazing…
But I’m not getting lost in that. I’m moving on. All of this is progress in the right direction.
“I’m changing,” I tell her firmly. “Then I’m doing this interview. Then… well, I can’t remember what comes next. The schedule is jam packed, but I don’t want to worry about that. One thing at a time.”
She nods and agrees with me, knowing that’s the only way that I can function right now. One step at a time. Then Linda helps me get sorted in to my own more causal outfit, but one that is just as cool because right now, I always need to be seen at my best while I’m hot property. Then once I’m dressed, I take a seat in front of a friendly looking woman who seems far too kind to call me a diva just because I’m standing up for myself.
“Hello, my name is Aki,” she says while shaking my hand. “Nice to meet you, Freya.”
“Yes, it’s great to meet you too, Aki. Thank you for meeting with me today.”
Her eyes fix on the page in front of her, she barely even acknowledges that I am around, which leaves me shifting awkwardly on my seat. Just waiting. I’m trying to be patient, but to be honest I don’t know when my next deadline is and I’m doing my best not to miss it. Whatever it may be…
Then Aki pulls out her Dictaphone and she sits it in the middle of us, recording. It isn’t like I say a lot out of turn anyway, but from now I need to be on top form, to make sure that I say all the right things because anything that is recorded can be used against me. And that’s the last thing I need right now.
“So, what I’m thinking of doing, what I usually do, is fire a load of questions at you. You don’t have to worry about giving me long answers, we’ll just do it as a question and answer back and forth. Then I will listen to it all later on and edit it in a way that makes more sense. Does that work for you?” I nod. “Okay. So, let’s talk about your move away from pop music to something with more of an edge. How did that happen?”
“It’s something that I have always wanted to do, and right now seems like the best time. I had a great time working on my first album, but this feels like I’m putting more of myself out there into the world.”
I give my generic answer, the one that seems to work well to this question, not putting my old work down but pumping up my new stuff, but there is a part of me that’s mentally with album number three since that’s the one I’m writing. Now that one really is all of me. Me and this situation I have been through.
But as excited as I am about that, I need to focus on this one first.
Aki asks me about specific songs and I really get in to the flow as I discuss them. It’s a nice place to be talking about my music. I enjoy setting my passion free. Showing just what I’m capable of. I might have given these answers millions of times, but I don’t mind. It’s all a part of my awesome, amazing job.
“So, you were on tour with Blood Red Masters when it all went bad, weren’t you?” Aki asks, shocking me from my happy place. Surprisingly, I haven’t been asked about this much, so my answers won’t be smooth.
“Er, right. Yes. I was supporting them on that tour, but actually I have my own coming up soon…”
“So, what was it like being there to witness the descent of Alex Smith first hand?” she asks, ignoring me.
“It was…” Oh God, how do I answer this? Do I even want to? “I wish Alex the best.”
“Oh, sure, sure, we all do. But how bad was he? I have heard all kinds of stories about his bad behavior. Smashing up hotel rooms. Threesomes with fans in public places. Bar fights…”
Yes, I have heard all of these ridiculous stories as well, but that doesn’t mean I want to give them any more time. Basically, the papers don’t have the truth about Alex, and since a troubled rock star going to rehab to cure himself isn’t interesting enough on its own, it seems that they have had to create all sorts. And people looking for their fifteen minutes of fame are desperate to say whatever they can to get their faces out there in the world. It’s shameful and certainly not something that I will let myself get dragged in to.
“The tour was only a short time. I certainly didn’t see any of the drama happening…”
“You didn’t see any of it? At all?” Aki gives me a doubtful look.
“I didn’t. I was always focused on the music. Which is what I’m doing now. I’m focused on my second album, which I really hope the public loves. Did you get a chance to listen to it?”
Aki nods but her bottom lip pouts out. She’s irritated that I’m not giving her what she wants. But I’m not going to smack talk him, I’m not going to lie, and I don’t even want to discuss him anyway. Talking about Alex isn
’t going to help me to move on. I will just have to keep swerving no matter what she throws my way.
“I nearly jumped in on you then, that was insane,” Linda hisses as soon as the interview is done. “When that Aki kept asking you about Alex, did she not get that you clearly didn’t want to talk about him?”
“That probably just intrigued her more,” I sigh. “She’s going to want to know everything, isn’t she? If she sniffs out a story, then she will be all over it. It was only when she realized that she wasn’t getting anything from me that she stopped. I think I did okay, I hope that I wasn’t rude.”
“No, you were amazing. Really incredible as always. But I am going to have to hurry you along to get ready to go because we have a radio interview in a moment, and we don’t want to be any later than we already are. Plus, they have a web cam, so you need to look good. I will be coming with you.”
“Thank God!” I burst out. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I cling to her, so grateful that she’s around, and I smile, letting her know silently that she is my rock right now. And she really has been. She has been amazing to me, and I don’t actually remember her saying the dreaded 'I told you so’ words even though she did tell me so. In the future, I might have to start listening to her.
Chapter 26 - Alex
Group therapy. Words that used to fill me with dread have now become something that I’m excited about. I like that I get to spend some intense time with people who really get what I’m going through, what I have been through. I guess I always thought that I was by myself with the guilt and the other emotions. But I’m clearly not. There are others who have dug themselves in a hole just like I have. Some even worse.
“Hey, Cody,” I say as I take my usual seat beside him. “How’s it going? You’re looking good.”
“Thanks, man. I don’t feel good. Last night was a rough one. I wanted to drink. I wanted to go out.”
