by Brenda Ford
“Oh God,” I groan while clapping my hand to my forehead. “Travis fucking Benson.” Everyone stiffens around me. It’s clear that this is something they have heard of. Even Alex… yet he didn’t ask me. He even kissed me. Either he really trusts me or he’s willing to dive down a dangerous path once more. “Travis Benson is a man who I met on one night. A night at an event party. We talked for a short while and it got a bit mental.”
“You kissed him?” Rachel pants out, devastated. “Oh God, sorry, I shouldn’t have acted that way. You are more than welcome to kiss whoever you want. I just had high hopes for…” She points between me and Alex. “But that isn’t my right either. Someone stop me talking, for the love of God!”
I laugh hard. “I didn’t kiss Travis; you don’t need to worry. I already know that there are photos out there which make it look different, but that isn’t what happened. We talked, some photographer asked for pictures of us, so we posed for a moment. Then he got nuts and started saying all this stuff about how he always gets whatever woman he wants. He never has to worry about anything. He then basically forced a kiss on me and wasn’t happy when I refused him. I haven’t given any weight to the rumors, but I haven’t denied them either. I know that denying them will only add fuel to the fire. So, I just have to ignore it and let it die down.”
There is a beat of intense silence before Alex grabs me and he pulls me to him once more. “Right, now all of that is sorted,” he chuckles. “Can we get out of here? When I asked you to come out for a drink with me, I meant a hot chocolate or something. I’m fine, I don’t want a drink or anything, but I just…”
“Oh God, of course! Let’s get out of here.” I head towards the door, pulling on Alex as I go. “Are you guys coming?” I call back to Rachel and Angelo. “We can get food as well. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”
“Nah, I think you need some time alone,” Angelo replies. “See you soon. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure!” I roll my eyes. “Have fun as well. Don’t get too wild.”
We chuckle and fall out of the bar, arm in arm, and we head across the road towards the nearest café where we can get a non-alcoholic drink and something to eat. It isn’t exactly the first date that I ever imagined having with this man, which despite everything that’s what this is, but it’s great. Perfect actually. I can’t stop smiling as I go. My eyes keep looking at Alex, and I can’t help but grin as I do. He really does seem like the best version of himself. The sweet caring side that I know is in there. That I have always known. If this is going to be him permanently now, then so be it. I can sure as hell cope with that!
Who knows, my love for this man might even turn out to be worth all the heart ache and pain after all. I don’t want to get too carried away like I did before, but I do feel a little sprinkle of something between us. A seed that has always been there, only this time it can become a full blown flower if I let it.
God, I want to let it. It’s almost impossible not to let it. But I need to be a little bit careful. Just a tiny bit.
“This is your place, huh?” Alex gasps as we step inside. “Funny, how I haven’t seen it.”
“It does seem weird, doesn’t it? That we have been through so much and never this.”
He looks strange in my apartment, like he doesn’t quite fit, but I suppose that’s just my perception because it’s never been like this. It definitely feels like this is a lot more serious now, I suppose that’s sobriety as well. That does it because there isn’t going to be anything to tear us apart other than us.
“It’s been a weird day,” I admit as I sit beside him. “A weird and very long day.”
“Tell me about it! But a good day.” His arm slings naturally around my shoulder and he holds it there. I like the way that it feels. All warm and fuzzy. Familiar yet new all at once. “A very good day.”
I lean into him and kiss him gently. My lips soft against his. At least, at first. But soon the kiss becomes filled with the intense passion that has been bubbling between us all night long. I twist my body around and mold against him, really leaning in to him. My back arches, my breasts press against him. I want him to know just how much I want him. It doesn’t even matter that it’s a dangerous road to go down, I’m sinking down it anyway…
“Wait.” I yank back, the fear of this dangerous road getting too much for me. “Wait, hold on.”
I press my hand to his chest and stare at him, both of us panting in time with one another. I desperately want to think straight, to not act on the buzzing in my core, but it’s getting increasingly hard by the moment.
“Are you okay?” Alex rubs my back gently in an understanding way. “We can stop…”
“I don’t know, I don’t know, I just…” I pant a few more times. “I’m scared to…”
Fuck it, why am I so scared? Why am I trying to hold back when this is all that I want? Sure, it’s a risk, but if it all works out then it will be the best thing ever. And if things don’t… well, I survived before. I can do it again.
I grab him and kiss him once more, this time really letting everything free. The buzzing in my core spreads through my entire body as I rub my hands over his chest, as I move over to straddle him, as I slowly slide down his body until my knees hit the floor. The fog of desire blasts through me, leaving my brain dizzy and on fire, while I fiddle anxiously with his zipper, needing to pull his cock free. I can already tell from the moans of agonizing bliss rumbling in his throat that he’s rock hard and I can’t wait to touch him.
“Oh, Alex,” I moan in a half whisper as he springs free and stands to attention for me. I curl my excitable fingers around him, and I delicately stroke him. “Oh God, I’ve missed you. You have no idea…”
He tosses his head back, it hits the back of the couch hard, but that doesn’t seem to hurt him. He continues to scream out and yell with bliss. The contorted pleasure on his face is wonderful, I want so much more from him, I need it all. With that thought in mind, I keep my eyes fixed on his beautiful face as I edge my lips closer to him, nearer to his delicious manly scent, closer to where he is aching for me.
“Fuck!” he cries out as I press my kiss to his tip, really tasting his sweet salty desire. “That feels so good.”
With my fingers tracing up and down his steely length, I continue to kiss his soaking wet tip for just a couple of seconds, before I part my lips wider and I take him right in. I push him all the way passed my lips, my tongue too, until I just about reach his base. He’s too big for me to take him all in, I can’t touch his base, but it’s enough. I drag my lips up and down him, swirling my tongue everywhere, incredibly turned on by the knowledge that my sexual fantasies with this man are coming true… yet again. Only this time, there are even more feelings attached to them. And the emotional connection that I have to this man makes it even better.
“I… I need you,” he yells the moment his thighs tense up. “I want to… to make love to you, Freya.”
I don’t want to pull my mouth away, the taste of him is amazing, but Alex drags me backwards and he spreads me across my carpeted floor, making the decision for me. He hovers above me while he strips me down, looking like I’m his prey and he’s preparing me to eat. It takes everything that I have not to squeeze my thighs together to try and control my intense desire… I only don’t because I want him to see it. I need him to see it.
“Fuck, you are so stunning.” His lips crash to mine and his cock finds my entrance like a heat seeking missile. “I don’t ever want to lose you again, Freya. I will prove to you that I’m worthwhile.”
He thrusts deep in to me, causing a guttural yell to explode a he fills me up, showing me just how worthwhile he is. Each time our bodes clap together, filling my front room with the gorgeous scent of me and him together, I feel as determined as he is not to lose this. Nothing can compare, because nothing is ever this good.
The pleasure creeps through me like a heat fixing up my veins, and I cling to Alex like he is
the only thing holding me to the planet, and as the pleasure reaches its peak, ready for me to fall, I damn well think that he might be. I certainly never thought that my show would end up like this, but I’m glad. So glad that I’m willing to risk everything all over again. After all, which true love story was built with no risk? None that I can think of. None worthwhile anyway!
Chapter 34 - Alex
“Oh wow.” I run my hands along the speaker, inhaling the real scent of home. “Now this I have missed.”
It’s been forever since I’ve been in the recording studio and I can really feel that loss. The missed time. I love it here so damn much and to think that I almost lost it all is insane. I can’t believe it. Why would I risk absolutely everything just to get to the bottom of that bottle? Sure, I understand the need, I don’t ever think that will go completely, but for the most part I just don’t get it. Why I didn’t choose to walk away more.
“Are you looking forward to getting the new album done?” Rachel asks smilingly. “Or at least started.”
“Holy shit yes! I can’t wait for it. It’ll be amazing.” I grin at Rachel and then Gary afterwards. Even he is starting to warm to me enough for me almost to consider myself forgiven… almost.
“You do know it might lead to another tour though?” Gary suggests warningly. “That isn’t something that we want to do again until you’re ready. And really ready this time. We can’t have any more mistakes like we had before.”
“I know. I understand that. I sure as hell won’t be making the same mistake again. I won’t allow Hank to book a damn thing until I am ready. There are too many other jobs at risk.”
I will never stop feeling bad for what I did to all of Blood Red Masters, including all of the people who surround and help us. So much was thrown away and it’s a real shame. But worrying about that means nothing. It doesn’t help anything. I can’t change the past, what happened before can’t be controlled. So, that’s just the past.
“Well, at least it seems like you have some material.” Gary laughs while nodding at the stacks of paper between my fingers. “Your stint in rehab has given you some serious inspiration.”
“I know. I can’t wait to hear what you guys think of what I’ve written… if it’s any good. Usually, I’m pretty intoxicated when it comes to the creative process. So, this is something new for me.”
I am anxious to lay myself on the line in such a raw and vulnerable way, but this is what I need to do to make this positive change. To use the experience in a way to make up for what I have done. At least a little bit.
“Okay, well let’s hear it,” Gary declares. “Let’s have a listen to what you got.”
Him and Rachel take a seat in the recording studio and leave me behind the glass to start singing. This isn’t anything that will be used, aside from maybe an acoustic special, it’s just to see how it will sound. Thankfully it’s that because I don’t know how I would cope with all that pressure on my shoulders.
My eyes slide closed and I begin playing, singing too, with Freya in the forefront of my mind. She’s the inspiration behind everything that I have written recently, so it makes sense that I think of her. I allow her sweet smile, her tinkling beautiful laughter, her positive attitude consume me. I think about how she has stuck around through all the terrible times, including me being particularly cruel to her, and she remains with me, in love.
At least, I assume she is in love. We haven’t said that to one another ever since that awkward conversation in the rehab center where she said that she was going to have to think things through, and I don’t want to say it until she is ready because I don’t want to put any pressure on… but there is so much love between us.
This is real love. The love that I have always wanted. The love that I didn’t get from Mandy.
“Wow, that’s beautiful,” Rachel cries out as soon as I finish singing. “That is something new. Something stunning. A departure away from what we have done before, but I love it.”
“Thank you.” I grin so brightly it’s like I have a coat hanger between my lips. “That means a lot.”
“Is that about Freya?” Gary asks me quietly. “It sounds like it’s about her.”
“It is.” I nod. “She’s been a real inspiration to me recently.”
“Well, that’s good. I’m glad to hear it. It’s much better to hear you inspired and sober rather than in the toxic situation that you were in before. None of us liked that, I have to be honest with you.”
“Yes, I know. And I am sorry that I put you all through it with me. That wasn’t right.”
I take a seat beside Rachel and Gary and we talk for a little while longer about the song and the other tunes we will have on the album. I sing a few of them so the guys can hear how they sound, and the reaction that I get is very positive. There will be some changes to them, there always is, the first draft of a song is always raw, a bit like a book or a poem I imagine, but we have a basis now. A start to the next chapter of us and our new album.
“What are you looking at?” I ask Rachel as I see her face plastered in to her phone, confusion on her face. “You look concerned. Has something else happened?” God, please tell me it hasn’t…
“No, nothing. I was just looking at some Tweets from the fans. A lot of people are checking up on you, trying to see that you are okay. They have obviously seen that you’re out of rehab, but you haven’t connected yet…”
“Only because Hank told me that I need to focus on other things…” I argue back.
“I know that, but I still think that a little Tweet wouldn’t go too far.” She shrugs.
“But one little Tweet will start a rampage, won’t it? The whole world will be on it. The press, the public, everyone who hates me… my words will be dissected and discussed by everyone.”
Rachel beams and hands me her phone. “You better make it a good one then.”
“You’re right,” I admit while staring at the screen like the technology is alien to me. It’s been forever since I used social media, so it is a little weird. “I owe the fans something for sure. But what? There are only a few spaces on Twitter. How do I say everything that I want to in all of that? It’s impossible.”
All of a sudden, I turn the phone around and point it in my direction, before I hit the camera button and record. If I’m going to do this then I might as well go all in and make it my all.
“Hi everyone,” I say a little awkwardly towards the screen. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Since I spoke to all of you. I’m sorry about that. I probably shouldn’t have left it so long when I owe you an apology. An explanation as well. You deserve to know why things got so messed up with me.” I start to feel incredibly self-conscious and weird. But I won’t let that stop me. I can’t. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. “So, things got messed up for me, I guess you already know that. I made some mistakes along the way, much as everyone has, I’m sure, but the way that I dealt with them was wrong. I turned to alcohol to block stuff out… which is never the way. I just want to warn anyone thinking about going down that road to turn around now, because it doesn’t help.” I huff, shake my head, and chuckle mirthlessly. “Most people in an influential position like this wouldn’t want to tell you the truth. They would pretend that they were in rehab for prescription drugs or an illness… something like that, but that isn’t me. I will be honest with you to show you that I’m not perfect, that I do make mistakes, that everyone can go down the same road as me. If they aren’t careful.”
I glance across to Rachel and Gary who nod encouragingly, spurring me on. I don’t know if Hank will have the same opinion as them when it comes to this, I’m sure that he would prefer to be warned first, but their support is enough for me. I know that by doing this, I will be doing the right thing.
“Anyway, I made my mistakes and I took the wrong paths, but with a bit of help from the people around me – a lot of work actually – I am better now. Or working on myself anyway. Trying to be better. A part of th
at is making up for all that I have done to everyone. Obviously, a part of my error let you lot down too. You fans brought tickets to shows that couldn’t go ahead because of me. I want to make up for that. Management right now are rescheduling the shows so you will all get a chance to go.” Inspiration hits hard. “And I will make sure that there is merchandise for all who missed the shows before, on me. If there are people out there who can’t attend the new dates as well, because I’m aware that you all have other lives aside from our tour, or you can’t make travel arrangements again… well let me know and I will see what I can do. Erm… if anyone has any questions about what I’ve been through, please Tweet them to us and I will try and answer what I can. But as you can see…” I move the camera around. “We are in the recording studio right now, getting some new music made for you, so if I can’t reply right away just know that I will soon enough. I promise you. Bye for now, thank you all for sticking around during my hard times, I hope that you can forgive me while I make it up to you.”
I wave and end the video before uploading it to the Internet. A weight flies off my shoulders as I do. That was definitely the right thing to do. The fans needed to hear something from me, and that was a good step in the right direction. I’m sure that I can’t please every single fan unfortunately, but this is a start.
“Wow, Hank is going to have a lot to say about that!” Rachel laughs while taking back her phone. “But I know that you did a good thing there. The fans will appreciate it… they might cost you a fortune though.”
“It’s only money, isn’t it? They deserve it after sticking around for such a long time.”
Gary pats me on the shoulder and nods along, agreeing with me in his own special way. I appreciate the gesture; it means absolutely everything to me. Just having his support after all that I have done means the world.
