Metamorphosis
Wednesday, 1/13/10
Okay, here’s the deal. 12 treatments down, 16 to go. I&rsquom rising out of this like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. September 25th was my diagnosis day, February 4th is my last treatment day. 132 days, 3,168 hours from diagnosis to cure — not counting the time spent doing the extra mammograms and the needle biopsy pre-diagnosis.
So anyway, these are NOT resolutions. They are not promises, dreams or hope. The following are cold, hard not-to-be-compromised facts and free advice for those fortunate enough to escape a devastating, albeit temporary, diagnosis:
* Time is a bloody precious commodity. No one and nothing guarantees you the next hour of life. Living in the present, being in the now is a REAL concept (not a cliché) and the only truth we hold self-evident. That and all creatures are created equal.
* Being 5’11” is no excuse for camouflaging pounds. This 20 pounds or so is coming off, staying off, never to return. Life is too short to constantly be struggling with weight. Get to your goal weight and stay there. Exercise, eat healthy — it’s all lifestyle. No more b/c pills to add extra weight. It’s over. Here I come!
* Life is too short to not have a closet full of clothes you love and that reflect your personal style. My personal style, as told by my family and BFF’s are; FEMININE, FUN, & SEXY. Nothing will cross my closet door ever again unless it fits into my personal style criteria. Don’t buy anything because it’s on sale, it’s practical, or “gee, I can throw it on with my jeans.”
* I have always been intuitive, smart and outspoken. Now I am an Oracle. I really get it.
* Don’t save the good stuff for guests or holidays. Use the good plates, the cloth napkins, and those luscious scented candles all the time. It can all be replaced, washed or purchased.
* It is not worth spending one minute engulfed in negative thinking, being blue or worried. Live the change you want in the world. Remember, the next hour? Not a guarantee. Therefore, how will you spend your last minutes?
* If it does not fit into a personal, professional, educational or family goal, and does not make life better for anyone, it ain’t happening.
* That last, short, useless piece of floss you try to work with because you don’t want it to go to waste? Toss it and open a new one. Life is too short to compromise dental hygiene or struggle with useless items. Buy good toilet paper. Too much time is spent wiping ones arse not to have softness.
* If you are a loving, positive, supportive human being with great energy I welcome you into my life with open arms. If not, walk the other way, even if you are a family member. I long ago stopped tolerating negative energy swirling around me or seeping into the walls of my home, but at this point I don’t have any filters left and will tell you EXACTLY what I’m thinking AND twirl you around myself to walk the other direction.
* With that said, family and friends mean everything. Whatever happens after we leave this life, we take love with us, not things.
* Say “I Love You” to someone every day, even if you’re looking in the mirror.
Thursday, 1/14/10
Itching, bumps really set in and irritating as hell. However, doctor recommended some cream which I picked up on the way home and seems to help. Kristin driving me a lot during her Winter break. I hope she realizes how much I appreciate her, not really just for driving, but for doing it with love. 4 days off…whoo hoo!
Monday, 1/18/10
Forgot to mention, I’m still having regular mensus, they are just heavy as hell. So…WTF did I stay on b/c so long if they were going to be regular. I fucked up.
Anyway, back to the itchy bumps. This weekend (including Dad’s b-day) was miserable. The cream didn’t do much and I got worse on Saturday. Today I talked to the nurse and she told me NOT to use the cream the doctor told me, and I said why did she tell me to use it and the nurse said that was probably what she (the doctor) was used to using in her previous practice and I said you all need to work from the same treatment protocol or I’ll just talk to nurses from now on. Corizone cream and some other lube for my very sore nipples. I’m applying about 4 different topicals now. Is this fun or what?
Wednesday, 1/20/10
Still battling skin and fatigue. Fatigue is getting a bit worse — 11 treatments to go. Not feeling very glamorous or sexy but Chuck says (and makes me feel) otherwise. So lucky. Kristin has been uber supportive.
Thursday, 1/21/10
I hope this is as bad as it gets. Constant sharp pain, itchy, soreness, fatigue, horrible throbbing head today. 10 treatments left. Percocet on standby for nighttime. Radiation sucks. Good news: nurse says will heal in about 2 weeks. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!
Thursday, 1/28/10
It’s been a week of severe discomfort, especially under my arm. Red, purple, and really chaffed. Emu oil helps some, but nothing takes the burning pain away altogether. Learned Monday doctor reduced treatments from 28 to 25. That made me happy, so now just 2 left!! The doctor said today I’m at the high end of severe skin reaction…yea me. Nothing to do with skin type since no UV rays in radiation and they see many dark skinned people with bad reactions. Go figure.
Sunday, 1/31/10
Tomorrow is my last treatment. This weekend has not been good for pain, and I’m anxious about getting hit anymore but grateful it will be over. The constant discomfort…I was not ready for this. Onward.
Monday, 2/1/10
SERIOUSLY? The machine broke. Last treatment postponed until 4:45. Tech called back, machine not working. Last treatment not happening until tomorrow. #$%!!!
Tuesday, 2/2/10
The NEW last treatment day. My psyche soars. It’s over.
Epilogue
Friday, 2/5/10
This will be my last entry. I am closing this chapter of my life and moving forward. I am choosing not to document my recovery for the coming weeks/months just because each day will get better (healing from the radiation) and I don’t want to document incremental skin changes, etc. Boring. They tell me I am healed, so with that in mind, I walk forward. Wasted time is the same as killing yourself. Every moment needs to be thoughtful, even if you just sit and think. I am still angry about taking b/c pills for so long, but choose to forgive that part of my life, because the gratitude is so much greater. Pre-cancer is a different animal than full-blown cancer, and I was damn lucky, period. My sisters suffer greater than I do, many losing their lives, yet I am still in the sisterhood, because I sat in the room and got the diagnosis. One needle biopsy, two surgeries, and 25 hits of radiation — a slightly smaller but still proportioned breast. And really, who gives a fuck. Sorry for the swearing Chuck, but this is my journal and sailor talk is allowed! XO
Living life to the fullest, loving yourself and those around you is all that matters. It’s a total cliché, but it’s not bullshit. Love got me through.
Respectfully submitted,
Girl Kicking Life’s Ass
(aka previously known as Girl Interupted)
Table of Contents
Title Page
Foreword—Karen McQuestion
Shéa MacLeod—Knight In Shining Armor
—Excerpt: Dragon Warrior
Latchkey Kid—Heather Marie Adkins
—Excerpt: Abigail
Danielle Blanchard—Write or Die
—Excerpt: Forever 27
Lizzy Ford—The Phoenix and the Darkness
—Excerpt: Damian’s Oracle
Linda Welch—Never Too Late
—Excerpt: Along Came a Demon
Donna Fasano—Stepping Into the Light
—Excerpt: The Merry-Go-Round
Katherine Owen—One Fictionista’s Literary Bliss
—Excerpt: Seeing Julia
Cheryl Shireman—I Burned My Bra for This?
—Excerpt: Life Is But a Dream: On the Lake
Prue Batten—Mrs. So Got It Wrong Agent
—Excerpt: A Thousand Glass Flowers
Suzanne Tyrpak—Holes
—E
xcerpt: Vestal Virgin
Sarah Woodbury—Turning Medieval
—Excerpt: The Good Knight
Anne R. Allen—A Kinky Adventure in Anglophilia
—Excerpt: Food of Love
Dani Amore—Writing From a Flour Sack
—Excerpt: Death by Sarcasm
Cheryl Bradshaw—Just Me and James Dean…
—Excerpt: Sinnerman
Christine DeMaio-Rice—How A Big Yellow Truck Changed My Life
—Excerpt: Dead Is the New Black
Sibel Hodge—From 200 Rejections to Amazon Top 200!
—Excerpt: The Fashion Police
Barbara Silkstone—Have You Ever Lost a Hat?
—Excerpt: The Secret Diary of Alice in Wonderland Age 42 and Three-Quarters
Mel Comley—French Fancies!
—Excerpt: A Time for Change
Melissa Foster—Life’s Little Gifts
—Excerpt: Chasing Amanda
Christine Kersey—Never Give Up On Your Dreams
—Excerpt: No Way Out
Carol Davis Luce—Self-taught Late Bloomer
—Excerpt: Night Widow
Julia Crane—Moving to the Middle East
—Excerpt: Coexist
Talia Jager—Paper, Pen, and Chocolate
—Excerpt: Damaged
Michelle Muto—The Magic Within and The Little Book That Could
—Excerpt: The Book of Lost Souls
Indie Chicks: 25 Women 25 Personal Stories Page 78
