by Emily Camp
“I don’t want to eat in front of you.” Now I knew how guys felt when they said that they wanted girls to eat. Not like Jack was doing this for his figure or anything.
“I made weight. I can eat.”
“You just said …”
“We’re going to eat,” he said just as I got a text.
I glanced at my phone. It was Addi. I was glad we were on speaking terms again. Guess who just messaged me.
Please tell me it wasn’t Tyler. I replied. He’d done enough damage.
Evan.
At least it wasn’t Tyler.
“Is that okay?”
“Huh?” I said, then felt super crappy for not hearing him.
“I’ve been wanting to try that new restaurant downtown.”
“Sounds good.” I glanced at my phone again.
“Does it really?”
“As long as it’s not Applebees.” I thought about my mom and her Long Island Iced Teas. It was embarrassing.
“Should I ask?”
“No.”
His shoulders slumped. Why did I even bring it up?
“It’s my mom’s breakup place.”
“Her breakup place?”
“Every time a relationship fails, she goes and gets drunk. We were just there Friday night.”
“The night your dad came home?”
“Yeah, but it was hours before that.” I reached for the radio. “What do you listen to?” It was horrible I’d been in this car so many times, but never paid attention to the channel before I changed it. I realized he was the first boy I ever felt comfortable enough to change the station. I always just listened to whatever they had on and pretended to like it even if I didn’t.
“I like older stuff.”
“Older stuff? Like Mozart? You seem like you’d like Mozart.”
He grinned, glancing my way. “Nirvana.”
“Oh? I would have never guessed.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess you are always so clean and …”
“What does my hygiene have to do with my music choice.”
I pictured Nirvana listeners emo or grungy.
“It doesn’t.” I said and looked out the window. This was going way worse than I wanted it to. It wasn’t like I was trying to impress him. I just didn’t want to talk about my parents. Either of them.
“And you like the top 40.”
“Am I that predictable?”
“That’s what you change the station to every time you get in.” He motioned to his radio. I did love that he had Sirus XM. My mom’s car was capable of it, but she’d refused to pay for it after the free trial.
We pulled into the restaurant just in time to see Nolan Sams walk in with a girl. I took a deep breath. This was not the place I wanted to run into him. Jack must have noticed him too, because he said, “Looks like it’s going to be a long wait,” before putting his car in park.
“Yeah.”
“I have a better idea.” He drove in a circle and right on out of the parking lot. In a few minutes we were at the mall.
“A better idea?” I quirked an eyebrow.
“The food court is quicker. I’ve also heard about an indoor mini-golf course?”
“Oh yeah, that sounds like fun. I heard it’s all lit with neon and black lights.” Actually I’d seen lots of my friend’s social media posts about it.
We ate tacos then went to play mini golf. We were the only ones here and I was glad he made this choice instead of me having to share the same breathing air with a guy who ruined my reputation.
It was dark. My ball was neon pink, his neon green. I tried to overplay how awful I was at this in hopes he would wrap his arms around me from behind and show me how to hit properly. But he didn’t. When I realized by the sixth hole, his second hole-in-one that he wasn’t going to teach me to play, I stepped up my game. I was not athletic, hence my failing gym grade. But I’d been on several mini-golf dates and played the I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing card enough that I did know what I was doing.
That was it, I stepped up to the tee and set up my shot. Normally a guy would at least direct me, but he didn’t. He just leaned back against the stand that showed the hole number,#6, and watched with the same blank expression he gave me when he first started tutoring me.
I nicked the ball and it ramped off the hump, bounced off the glowing barrier, and rolled right next to the hole. But that wasn’t good enough, because he’d already gotten a hole-in-one.
“Almost had it,” he said with a taunting smile on his face.
I glared at him and stomped toward my ball, tapping it in. He held our card, jotting the score down with the highlighter.
“Rub it in.” I bumped him with my shoulder as I stormed to the next hole.
By the time we were finished, he’d only beat me by a few points. I didn’t say much as we returned our putters to the front desk. “Do you want to keep the card?” He asked as we walked out into the bright mall.
I wanted to say no, but the truth was, I did want it. “Only if we can change the score so I win.”
He chuckled at this, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. Now, that was what I wanted. “Are you a sore loser?”
“I don’t like it much.”
He kissed me on the side of my head. I felt it in my toes. I suppose even if he didn’t teach me how to swing my putter and line up the ball, the date wasn’t a total bust. I’d actually had fun once I tried to beat him.
“I demand a rematch,” I folded the scorecard and shoved it in my back pocket.
“Tonight? It’s almost curfew.”
“Next time,” I said.
He smiled and kissed my head again. “I’m still going to kick your butt.”
Chapter Thirty-nine
Jack sat across from me looking at my paper. We were sitting at my kitchen table, my dad came in for something stupid every few minutes to make sure we weren’t doing anything but homework. I watched Jack with his flat expression. His hand under his chin. His face gave away nothing.
Finally, he sat the paper down and said. “It’s okay.”
“Okay?” I felt a pang in my stomach.
He nodded.
“Like grade-wise?”
“Solid …” He put his hand on his chin and furrowed his brow. “C plus.”
I could live with a C, but I put a lot of work in it.
“I mean there are some grammar corrections you could make to bring it to a B minus.”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s not …” He took a breath. “Genuine.”
“What’s not genuine about it?”
“Your favorite Youtuber?”
“You said write what I liked.” I wrenched the paper back, crumbling it as I did.
He ran his hand over his head. “Yeah, but …”
“Whatever”
“I …” He held his hand out, his eyes huge. “I know there’s more to you than this.” He pointed toward the paper which was now crinkled up on the table before me.
My dad walked in and did a double take. Then he lifted his eyebrows and a slight smile fell across his face.
“Everything okay?” He reached into the fridge.
“Yeah.” This was none of his business.
“I should probably go.” Jack stood up, the chair scraping beneath him as he did.
“See you later.” I said, not even walking him to the door.
As soon as I was in my room, I realized how much I had overreacted about a stupid paper that I didn’t even care about.
About an hour later, Jack messaged me, I’m sorry. He wasn’t the one in the wrong though. It made me feel bad. I replied, me too, then I pressed my lips between my teeth and stared at my screen, waiting on his reply.
Finally, my phone rang. I was excited, but he was supposed to give me ample notice before facetiming me. At least my makeup and hair were still on point from when he was here earlier.
His face lit up my screen. His hair was di
sheveled. His glasses off. His dark, wooden headboard behind him. “Hey.”
“I was being kind of a butt.”
“No.” He said, but I could tell by the grin on his face he was being completely sarcastic. “It’s okay though, I still love you.”
There it was again, the ‘L’ word.
My heart raced and my palms felt clammy. “Hey, my mom needs me.” I said looking away from the screen toward my door, though he had no way of knowing it was my door because he’d never been in my room before.
“Okay.” He ran a hand over his disheveled hair. “I’ll talk to you later?”
“Yeah, sure.” I shut off the call before he could say that word again. I leaned back, my heart still thrumming in my chest like it was going to burst. Why did he have to say that? I hated when people used that word. It had so much meaning and so much power. It could mean the world to the receiver, yet to the giver it could be just another word. The first time I played it off like he was tired and didn’t mean to say it. However, this time, as I thought about it, the context wasn’t like ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m in love with you’. Maybe I was over reacting, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer when he called later.
***
Gavin shouted for Jack’s attention. My dad was gone today. I wasn’t sure where. I hoped finding a different place to live, but since he’d been spending the nights in my mom’s bed, I would say that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Guess she forgot about the life we had pending with Greg and Evan.
I sat on the sofa scrolling through my phone. Jack sat on the floor by my brother, helping him beat the level he’d been struggling with. We didn’t say much to each other, and maybe I was happy about it. But when it was time for Jack to go, I did follow him outside to say goodbye.
He kissed me. Then leaned back, his hands on my waist. “I love you.” There it was, what I’d been trying to avoid all day.
I shook my head, pressing my lips between my teeth. I couldn’t look at him.
“Are we okay,” he asked.
“I just …” I stepped away from him, his hands fell off my sides. “I think I need some time.”
“Did I do something wrong?” He furrowed his brow.
“It’s not you.” But it was him and those three stupid words that ruined everything.
“Cliché.” He shook his head. Then he looked up at the grey clouds. We were supposed to get more snow tonight. “It shouldn’t surprise me.”
“What?” I stepped away from him, creating more distance.
“You’ve been with me longer than you have anyone else this school year.” He ran a hand over his hair which tussled it, the tufts stood straight up. Normally, I would have found this adorable.
“What are you saying?” I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“I’m saying that you’re scared of commitment. It’s not your fault. I’m sure it’s from your dad’s abandonment.” He spoke with so much seriousness that I wanted to slap him. Who was he to psychoanalyze me? He knew nothing.
“That college psychology class you’re taking seems to be working.” I clipped, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Kacey.” His voice was softer now, not as callous as it was a few minutes ago.
I held my hands up. “So that explains it, I can’t keep a boyfriend because my dad. Another thing I can hate him for.”
“I …” He held his hands out.
I scratched my elbow and looked at the sky, shaking my head in disbelief. Who did he think he was anyway? “Thank you for that, I was running out of reasons to be the angsty teenage daughter.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Understand this, I don’t want to be your girlfriend anymore.” Saying those words stung more than they ever had before.
“Kacey wait …” But I didn’t wait. I couldn’t look back. It was bad enough this was ending, even worse that he felt the need to analyze me like some science project. I knew once those words were spoken, that it would ruin everything. Maybe I did have a lot of boyfriends. Maybe, yes, I had commitment issues because of my dad, but what right did he have to study me like homework? I was so stupid. That was the reason I was even with him in the first place if I was smart like him, I never would’ve been in ES. I never would’ve met Jack Landry.
Once in my room, I began my breakup ritual. I took down the pictures I’d printed of us. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to last. We were too different. I tossed our score card from mini golf the other night in the box. He didn’t even know how to date properly, how many chances did he have to put his arms around me that night, yet he didn’t. I threw in the lanyard he gave me for Christmas. That was weird of him to give it to me since we were barely friends at that time. I shoved everything in the box under my bed, putting Jack away with the others.
There was a hollow feeling in my heart. Different than the other times I’d buried the remnants of a relationship. When I changed my social media status to single, I had an immediate response from Cody. He’d sent a surprised emoji. Why was he surprised? It wasn’t like any of my relationships lasted. Even Jack pointed that out. Thinking of Jack only made the empty feeling in my gut stronger. If he hadn’t said those things, maybe I could have overlooked or gotten over his observation about how my relationship with my dad affected my past relationships.
But that was Jack. I slunk back on my bed. Then I shook my head, I couldn’t be thinking about that now. This was for the best. The last thing I needed was to hear that he loved me only for him to leave. I got to it before he could. I was the one who left him.
When my mind raced back to him, I thought of all the ways I could have analyzed him. He had all these reasons why I didn’t like commitment. What about him and his obsessive-compulsive cleaning. I could have said something about his parents never being around and his need to compensate. I lifted my phone to text him that exact thing, but I didn’t. Deflated, I lowered the phone to my mattress. I just wanted it to be over, to move on like I had many times before. Just like he’d said about me. He could go home and clean his room or something, find another girl to tutor. I didn’t want to think about him with another girl. It made my heart hurt.
My phone buzzed. I lifted it to see a text from him. I didn’t want to talk to him. So I turned my phone screen down on the mattress. At least I tried. Thirty seconds later I picked it up and barely glanced at the, I’m sorry, text.
I responded with, Go clean something and leave me alone.
I know it wasn’t the greatest burn, but I couldn’t think of anything else. I never could think of the best things to say in the heat of the moment. It was always after the fact, usually when I was in the shower or right before I fell asleep, that I thought of something better.
Finally, after I tossed and turned for hours, and he called a few times, I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore. I lifted my phone and pressed call. I couldn’t do facetime. He didn’t need to know I’d been crying.
“Hey.” His voice was scratchy.
“You wanna psychoanalyze me? What about you and your obsessive compulsiveness? Is that because your parents are never home?” When he didn’t answer right away I said, “I’m not the only one with psychological problems, Jack.”
“Kacey.” He said, and for a second my heart flipped at the sound of him saying my name. Then I hung up before I could change my mind. I thought that would have made me feel better, but it didn’t. It only made me feel worse. As mad as I was at him, I wasn’t sure I wanted to hurt his feelings.
Chapter Forty
“What are you doing after school?” Dylan leaned over the desk between us and whispered.
Our study hall monitor glared at him. “This is study hall!”
He winked at me and smiled. A smile I had thought was the coolest earlier this year. Now it did nothing for me. Now that Jack and I were no longer together, it seemed like all the guys were noticing me again. Cody messaged me for a couple hours after I updated my status last night. It was a good distraction. But I couldn’t
forget how wrong he did me. I even got a text from Mason that Dia cheated on him again. I had a feeling, once a cheater always a cheater. At least that’s what my mom always said. Wish she felt the same about abandoners.
As I walked down the hall, I noticed Maria strolling beside Jack. He looked at me, nodded an acknowledgement, and then he turned toward Maria. She smiled up at him. There was a pang in my chest as I watched Maria tilt her head back and laugh. It was probably one of his stupid jokes.
I couldn’t dwell on it, mainly because not being able to concentrate on my classes could land me back in ES. Since I’d been in there this year, it wouldn’t take much for me to be reassigned. Distance was what I needed, and that shouldn’t have been too hard considering we’d been going to school together for years yet just met in October.
When I made it to Spanish, Cody scooted his desk just slightly out in the aisle so he was closer to me. Seńora Sanchez paired us up. I was thankful it was no longer awkward to be his partner.
“I’m sorry for breaking up with you,” he said. “I regret it.”
“Serena wasn’t what you hoped?” I asked reminding him why we broke up.
“For the record, I did really care about you.”
“Funny way of showing it.” There were those empty words again. It didn’t matter anymore, I was completely over Cody. In fact, now that I was on this side of the relationship there were so many things about him that I didn’t like. For example, when he laughed, it sounded like a moose. And his mouth really was too big for his face. He had this tick and would shake his chin to the side when he talked. I wasn’t sure if that was because he thought it looked cool, or because he really couldn’t control it.
“That was a mistake,” he said.
“Hablar en Espańol, Seńor Cody.” Seńora Sanchez strolled by us, her hands behind her back, shoulders straight.
Cody looked at the open book and began to say something in Spanish, but I wasn’t listening. All I could think about was Jack with Maria. What hurt the most was, they would be perfect together. They both were super smart. I didn’t want to think about it. This was Jack. He wasn’t just another guy that I could mark off and move on.
