by Karin Aharon
“Can I go back to sleep now?” Tommy asked, but didn’t wait for an answer and hung up.
Chapter 48
The Foundation’s Purim party came. I chose a Tinkerbelle costume and drove to Lisa’s house. When I got there, I saw a lot of women but didn’t recognize any of them. The party’s agenda included a laughter yoga class.
Lisa introduced Lea to me, the woman who responded to my post. She was really nice and slightly older than me. She had the procedure two years ago, and was now back to her usual self.
“Except for breastfeeding, I can do everything,” she said, “at first it was hard, but with time, things worked out. I recommend you have a lymphatic drainage massage after the surgery. It really helps with recovery, but only after they remove the surgical drains.” She mentioned so many things I barely understood, and despite being scared to ask, I knew I didn’t have much of a choice. I needed to know what was going to happen.
“What are surgical drains?” I asked in the calmest way possible, hoping I didn’t sound hysterical.
“Tubes placed during surgery to drain the liquids from the area. They’re placed under your armpits and about a week later, they’re removed.”
“Oh…” I was getting a bit weak and dizzy from all these details, and thought it was best if I stopped asking questions.
“Don’t worry, things work themselves out pretty quickly. There’s also a special bra you should buy and use after the surgery. Don’t forget, no heavy lifting for about six to eight months.” Lea poured herself some soda and grabbed a home-baked cookie.
“I suppose picking up children is considered heavy lifting, right?” I leaned against the wall near the table and sighed.
“Of course, you’re not allowed to pick them up during that time. It can do a lot of damage. You’ll need plenty of help.”
“OK,” I couldn’t tell whether her tips reassured or stressed me. She pointed out little things that I didn’t even consider when I decided to have the surgery. The only thing I could think about was stopping the cancer. I never thought about how I would handle myself after the surgery. And then I realized the person I should be talking to about the date of the surgery was Natalie.
The yoga class started, and it was awkward and embarrassing to laugh for no reason whatsoever. But after a few minutes, I was able to let go, and it really was amusing. We rolled on the carpet and laughed hard. I looked around me, at the previvors who already had the surgery, and they all looked happy. Maybe it was just my imagination, but there was something serene about them. I envied them for having finished the procedure. They didn’t look so crazy to me as they did in the past, and then I realized having this surgery might actually make me sane again.
Chapter 49
“Did you have fun at Julie’s yesterday?” I called mom from the office to ask how she was doing.
“Yes, it was nice, everyone came, and Johnny was there, too.” Mom sounded quiet and tired. I didn’t know Johnny was visiting. Mom told me that when they were little kids, Johnny always followed her when she met with her friends, and constantly asked to join them. Now, they were older and he joined Gabi and mom’s friends and met with them when he came to visit in Israel. I couldn’t see that happening with Jonathan. My friends would probably bore him.
“That’s great. The Foundation get-together was also nice. I’m really glad that I went. I got a lot of useful information.” I opened the file I had been working on for the past week.
“I’m happy to hear it, sweetie,” but she didn’t sound happy at all.
“What’s the matter, mom?”
“Nothing special. Everyone kept talking about their plans for the summer, booking flight tickets, looking for hotels… and all I can think of is that I don’t have a future. I have nothing to make plans for.”
I fell silent. I felt the sadness in her voice and simply kept quiet. I didn’t want to lie to her but I also didn’t want to annoy her. I wasn’t sure what was the right thing to say.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” she finally said when I didn’t respond. “I’m exhausted, my back hurts and I can’t sleep. Gabi is supposed to get me sleeping pills from the doctor today.”
I promised I would get her an appointment at a pain clinic as soon as possible.
Mom fell silent but then asked, “did the kids wear a costume today?”
“Yes! they were so cute. Adam went as a soldier and Ariel as Little Red Riding Hood. We dressed Romy in the old elephant costume, the one Ariel had, remember? I’ll send you some pictures.” Adam was so excited to wear his soldier costume, and announced he was going to be a warrior. With all his medical issues, it would be a miracle if they even recruit him, but I didn’t want to ruin it for him.
In the evening I called mom to tell her I got her an appointment for tomorrow at a pain clinic. I wished it would at least give her some hope. That was really the only thing I could do for her.
Chapter 50
Passover eve came, and we were obviously going to spend it together. I offered mom to have the Seder at our place to make things easier for her. She promised to make some soup and I promised to cook as little as possible. Just because the Israelites suffered through the desert, doesn’t mean people had to suffer again from my cooking. I had some cooked food delivered from a place Anna recommended. I made some salads and mom made her kneidlach soup.
Jonathan came early to help me set the table. When mom came, he took the pot of soup from her since she seemed to struggle climbing up the front door stairs. She looked so fragile. Even though her hair grew out a bit, her puffy yellow face gave away she was sick.
When we served the soup together, she spilled some and nearly slipped.
“It’s OK, mom, I’ll give you some soup.” I refilled her bowl and served it to her. She didn’t try to help after that.
Gabi read the Hagada, or at least the important parts of it. Romy sat on her high chair and broke her hard-boiled egg into small pieces. Ariel sat on my other side (I mean she mostly stood on the chair and sang holiday songs throughout the entire dinner). Adam insisted on sitting next to mom, who cut up his kneidlach. Grandpa Yokanan sat smiling in front of him, and didn’t say much, as usual. He didn’t mind the kids being noisy. His hearing impairment must have helped. Jonathan was the only one who dressed for the occasion and wore a white buttoned-down shirt.
“Michael, come here and take some pictures,” I told Michael, who was in the kitchen as usual, stressed there wasn’t enough food.
“Don’t take pictures of me!” mom tried fixing her hair but it was too short, “I look terrible.”
“You look great,” I told her and signaled Michael to include her in the picture.
It felt awkward. I was happy we were all together, laughing and having fun. Jonathan made us laugh as always, and constantly teased Tommy. Gabi laughed and looked happy, perhaps thanks to 4 glasses of wine. One might have thought everything was normal. But I couldn’t stop asking myself over and over again – was this our last holiday with mom?
Chapter 51
After Passover, the birthday season began. The kids’ birthdays were close to one another, so we would always throw one party for all three, sometime between April and June. We had all the family over on a Saturday afternoon at the beginning of May, when the weather was suitable for an outdoor party.
Everyone came to celebrate Romy’s first birthday, Ariel’s fourth and Adam’s sixth, who told everyone proudly that next year he’ll start the first grade. Adam took pictures of people holding the “happy birthday” sign he hung on our front door, and ran around excitedly holding every present he got. Ariel opened every present she was handed even before the guest walked into the house. The front door area was covered in colorful wrapping paper that flew around in the wind.
The home phone rang and I saw Gabi’s number on the screen. Except for charities, no one called this number.
&nb
sp; “Hello, Shirley,” Gabi said in a formal tone he only used for delivering bad news. “Mom isn’t feeling very well, we won’t be coming today.”
“What happened? I spoke to her in the morning and she said you were coming.” Adam got a Lego set and shouted happily. I went to look for a quiet spot.
“She started having really bad back pain and nothing helps. We tried everything. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Do you want to take her to the ER?”
“Maybe, we’ll see. We’ll talk later, OK?”
“Yes, I’ll come over when we’re done here.”
I hung up and looked for Jonathan. He sat on a plastic chair at the corner of the yard and smoked. Tommy stood at a safe distance from him. We both hated cigarettes. All our attempts to make Jonathan quit, failed miserably.
“Mom and dad aren’t coming, mom isn’t feeling well,” I told them with disappointment.
“That’s a shame,” Jonathan put out his cigarette, and Tommy sat next to him. Jonathan took a sip from his soda and gave me a look that said ‘don’t make a big deal out of everything.’
So this is how it was going to be from now on, I thought, we are going to celebrate without mom. “I really wanted her to be here with us,” I said and they both nodded.
“It can’t be helped. That’s the way it is.” Jonathan looked up at me, “so, this is how you see the world? You’re such a midget.”
Tommy laughed and Jonathan added, “what are you laughing about? You’re also a midget.” It was really unfair that only one of us hit the genetic jackpot in terms of height.
Tommy and Jonathan kept teasing each other and went back into the house to help clean up, so I could go to mom the moment everyone left. I looked at all of our family – Michael’s parents sat with Ariel and listened to her stories about daycare. Apparently, Ariel was surprised she wasn’t allowed to hit other kids with a rolling pin.
Romy crawled on what little grass we grew, and every now and then someone helped her climb the red slide. It was a good thing she knew how to keep herself busy. Adam was having a long conversation with my father, who came with his new wife. My dad looked happy, and still, when I saw him with Adam, I felt a twinge in my heart. Mom and Gabi weren’t here and I couldn’t believe it was all happening without them. To me, no one could make up for their absence.
When the last guest left and the house was almost back to normal, I drove to mom’s. I took the camera with me to show her the photos I took. Perhaps so I could feel she took part in the birthday party. I brought some leftover cake and hoped it would make her happy.
The entire drive I felt something burden my chest. I let the tears pour and when I arrived at their place, I felt more relaxed. I took a few deep breaths and walked into their building.
They had moved here a year ago, so I didn’t get to spend a lot of time in this apartment, but somehow it felt like home. Maybe the weekend we stayed here, for a lack of any other option, made things easier. Last winter rain leaked into our fuse box and caused a short circuit. We obviously couldn’t get through the weekend without power. In a matter of minutes, we packed mattresses, a foldable playpen for Romy and some clothes, and we all went to mom’s place.
Tommy’s room was big enough for all of us and we stayed there for two nights. Michael felt uncomfortable troubling mom and Gabi, but we didn’t have much of a choice, we couldn’t stay home for two days without power. On Saturday morning we decided to give them some quiet and visited friends so mom could rest. But Adam refused to come and insisted on staying with her. This was the only place he agreed to stay without us. It was so much fun spending that weekend with them, despite the challenging circumstances. I was half sad to go back home on Sunday.
I knocked on the door and Gabi opened with a look that said it all. “Things aren’t good, Shirley. Not good.”
“I know,” I hugged him tightly and we simply stood there for an unusually long period of time.
Mom sat in bed and watched TV. “Hey sweetie,” she said when I walked in, and muted the TV show. The laugh track was silenced and mom signaled me to sit next to her.
I slipped into Gabi’s side of the bed and pulled out the camera. “How are you?”
“Not so great. Julie was just here, you missed her by a couple of minutes.”
“Never mind, I’ll see her next time. I brought you pictures from the party.” I wanted to tell her that she was missed but didn’t want to make her even sadder.
“So cute.” She browsed at the pictures with a proud grandmother smile on her face. It was so nice seeing her smile. “Your dad gained some weight, ha?”
“Maybe, I don’t know. He looked the same to me.”
Mom looked at me with a concerned expression and then went back to the pictures. When she finished, she gave me back the camera and took her glasses off. “You must be very tired from the party. You didn’t have to come today.”
“I wanted to be with you,” I said and moved closer to her. She hugged me and we stayed quiet for a while. She turned up the volume and we watched a silly American sitcom rerun. “Lately, I only watch nonsense. I can’t handle anything else. I have enough drama going on in my real life, so whenever I can, I prefer comedies,” mom said when the episode was over. She probably felt she needed to justify her choice.
“I understand,” I looked at the time, it was getting late, “I think I’ll go. I have a long day tomorrow.”
“No worries, sweetie. Go rest.”
“Do you need me to get you anything before I leave?”
“No, I’m fine. Drive safely,” and then, when I walked through the hallway, she called out her usual sentence, “both eyes on the road…”
She was right about driving carefully. It was hard driving with tears in my eyes.
Chapter 52
“How was yesterday?” Anna came in refreshed after having rested over the weekend.
“It was great, but my mom wasn’t there.” I put down the tea I had made earlier.
“Why wasn’t she there? Is she at the hospital again?” Anna hung her bag on the hanger behind the door and sat in front of me.
“No, but she wasn’t feeling too well. It’s getting worse from one week to the next.”
“That’s so sad.”
“Yes, very. I think this was the last birthday party she could have been to, and she missed it too.”
“Don’t be so pessimistic. These treatments might give her some extra time, perhaps even years.”
“That’s not what her doctor said. She has a few months.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“I know, believe me, it’s hard for me too. If it were possible, I would have been with her all day.”
“Why don’t you take a day off every now and then to be with her? I’m sure Alice would be happy to give you the day. You can also work from home”
“She’s still working. My mom goes to work every day. Her employees drive her back and forth.”
“Are you serious? That’s amazing.” Anna stood up and sat in her chair.
“I think it helps her keep her sanity.” Mom had told me it distracted her from her scary thoughts.
“Probably, good for her. It must be hard.” Anna brushed aside the curls bouncing in front of her eyes. They made her look even younger.
“Very hard. I’m actually a bit jealous of her employees. They spend more time with her than I do. It’s unfair.” I sounded like a little girl, but felt comfortable enough with Anna to say things as they were.
“That’s understandable.” Anna’s phone rang and interrupted our conversation.
I tried throwing myself into my work and different assignments that kept piling up since last week. Next thing I knew, it was 1 P.M. and I was getting hungry. I went down to the salad bar, where I knew I could get a salad without all the ingredients I disliked. The line
stretched outside the bar and I peeked inside to see whether it was worth the wait. And then I spotted her. Her blond hair stood out from the other hungry people lined up. It was amazing how even in a place like this she looked glamorous and noble.
“Mia,” I called out and stood next to her, as if she was reserving a place for me, “how are you?”
“Everything’s great,” and she certainly looked great, too. She peeked at the menu, as if she wouldn’t obviously have salad.
“I was planning on calling you,” I was actually planning to call her for quite some time but didn’t get the chance, “I decided to do it.”
Mia looked at me and said with a smile, “me too.”
It was amazing how she immediately understood what I meant, and even more so, agreed with me. We both understood we couldn’t go into much detail while standing there in the crowded line.
After we ordered our lunch, we found a relatively quiet table. I sat in front of Mia and opened my take-away container, “so, where are you planning to have it?”
“I think at the Tel Aviv Medical Center,” Mia opened her box and poured thick dressing on her salad, “I got a recommendation for Dr. Dolev, have you heard of him?”
“He was at the Foundation symposium. Such a shame you weren’t there. He actually looks nice and professional. He answered everyone’s questions patiently. I think he also operated on Lisa, and everyone strongly recommends him.”
“Maybe I should call Lisa and talk directly to her. The Foundation get-togethers are not really my cup of tea. Except for you, I hardly talk about it with other people.”
It was understandable. I didn’t share my genetic information with a lot of people, either. In any case, anyone who heard about me being a carrier had something to say. One says he knows someone who got sick and suggests I talk to her (why would it help me to talk to someone who got sick but isn’t a carrier?). Another says they know someone who had an operation (but couldn’t remember what kind, who was the surgeon and whether or not it was preventative). Everyone had a different advice, (holistic medicine, veganism, meditation and more of the such). But what they all had in common, was the look in their eyes. They all looked at me with pity, as if I was dying.
