by Karin Aharon
“Nice to meet you. Forgive me for not remembering you. There were so many people and I wasn’t all there.”
“It’s perfectly fine,” Sarah said and sat back beside me. Gabi kept standing by the bed uncomfortably. Well, it isn’t every day that your daughter amputates her breasts.
***
As I was taken on a bed and through the hallway to the surgery room, with the whole entourage behind me, I trembled with excitement. Or fear. It was hard to tell.
“Say goodbye, you’ll see her again in the recovery room,” the sparkly-blue-eyed orderly said, as he hit the elevator button, “your family can wait for you in the waiting area on the third floor.” I kissed and hugged everyone goodbye.
The elevator doors closed and I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down.
“Breathe,” I said to myself quietly, “just breathe.”
During the surgery preparations I saw Dr. Katzman dressed like a character in Grey’s Anatomy, with scrubs and a funny hat; completely different than what he looked like in his office a few months back. There were several beds in the room and it seemed like a shared hospital room. Different doctors and nurses calmly walked from one bed to the next and different instruments beeped around them. My surgeon, Dr. Shavit, was also waiting in the room, looking through my medical file. Grace also had her surgery with Shavit and Katzman. She said they were a winning team.
“Hello Shirley. Are you ready for the surgery?” Dr. Katzman sat in front of me and took a black marker out of his pocket.
“I hope,” I said with a shaky voice.
“Could you please take off the top part of your robe so we could mark the area of the surgery.” He closed the curtain around me and took the cap off the marker. Dr. Shavit stood next to him and looked at the area they’d be operating on; that is, on me.
I stood there exposed and looked for something to focus on to relieve my embarrassment. There were dots on the curtain and I tried counting them, but when I reached five, I gave up. I heard Dr. Katzman say, “Shirley Moshe, thirty-three years old, a double mastectomy candidate, and reconstruction. We’ll make the incisions here,” he drew black lines in different directions and everyone nodded.
Before I could put on my robe, a nurse came in. She took my file and asked me to follow her. No bed-rides anymore. I quickly closed the robe and walked behind her with the shoes I was given. Well, “shoes” is a bit of a stretch for what looked like two shower caps. Thanks to these, my feet stayed warm, but I was cold everywhere else. The hallway was freezing.
The nurse I followed was wearing a thick sweater, zipped all the way up. I wanted to tell her I was cold but kept quiet. She probably noticed I was trying to cover myself with the robe and said, “I know it’s really cold here, but there’s nothing much I can do about it. Soon you won’t be cold, don’t worry.” I was still worried.
We passed by large surgery rooms with a lot of doctors and nurses running around inside. I felt like I was in one of those hospital TV shows. Until I reached my surgery room, it was small and crowded, almost about the size of our bedroom. Not at all like those TV series. It was filled with equipment and people who did all sorts of things. I noticed Dr. Kaspi standing there. I could barely recognize him with his blue scrubs and mask.
“Come, Shirley, lie down here,” he said in his accent, and then I really knew it was him. “I’ll insert an IV with anaesthesia.”
After thirty seconds, the robe was taken off me and I was covered with a thin sheet. My entire body shivered. My hand was tied to a weird instrument and the needle inserted the IV tube in its place.
“Now you’re going to sleep, and I will see you again in the recovery room. Good night.”
Chapter 72
“There, she’s awake,” I heard a muffled voice and recognized Dr. Kaspi’s accent. I tried opening my eyes. I couldn’t remember where I was.
“Good morning, Shirley, can you hear me?” someone said and I tried opening my eyes again. This time I did a better job, and saw Michael’s blurred figure. I nodded and tried moving my hand but fell asleep before I could do anything else.
Something squeezed my legs. I felt a balloon blow up around my calves and then release. I heard a lot of beeps but couldn’t open my eyes. I fell asleep again.
Something squeezed my legs again. I woke up again. I opened my eyes. The white florescent light hurt me, so I shut my eyes and fell asleep.
I heard people speaking and then felt I was being moved.
“Is she waking up?” I heard Gabi, but couldn’t see him. I couldn’t speak.
“Perhaps you should go eat something?” I heard Sarah say, but it was more like a dream.
“I’m fine, thank you. You should go,” Michael replied. I’m hungry too, I wanted to say, but fell asleep.
***
“She’ll wake up soon,” I heard someone say, “when she wakes up, she can gradually drink some tea and eat something light like a yogurt. You can make her tea down the hall. Just make sure it’s not too hot.”
When Michael came back to the room, I opened my eyes. He placed the disposable cup on the table stand and caressed my head, “how are you feeling?”
“I’m in pain,” I whispered. My lips were dry and I felt I couldn’t even muster the strength to move my head. I felt something heavy weighing down my chest, as if they had sown two rocks on it.
“Should I call a nurse?” he asked. I nodded, and he left the room. I fell asleep again.
They must have given me painkillers, because when I woke up again, it didn’t hurt as much. But the weight made it harder for me to move. My breasts were heavy and felt like they did when I had a breastfeeding lump with Ariel.
The room was dark, but the door wasn’t closed, a sliver of light shone in from the hallway. I moved my head to the other side and saw Sarah sleeping on the bed they had prepared for the person accompanying me.
“Sarah…” I called to her, and she immediately leaped out of her bed.
“How are you?” Sarah came closer and placed her hand on mine.
“Where’s Michael? And Gabi?” I asked quietly.
“Michael went home, because it was getting late for the babysitter. Gabi was here up until recently. He said goodbye and you answered him. Don’t you remember?”
“Not really,” I shut my eyes again.
“Do you need anything?”
“I’m thirsty.”
“I’ll make you some tea. They said to make you tea.” Sarah said as if she always did what she was told. It made me smile.
“OK,” I closed my eyes again.
I drank the tea slowly with Sarah’s help and felt I was really starting to wake up. Sarah lay on the bed again and fell asleep. I looked at my phone and found a lot of texts and unanswered calls. But all I cared about was the time. 2:30 A.M.
“Sarah, could you help me go to the bathroom?” I felt bad waking her up, but when she volunteered to stay with me, I had warned her there was a chance she wouldn’t get much sleep on the first night. Grace told me that she spent the first night watching TV.
Sarah stood up and approached me. I tried sitting up, but was in so much pain that I screamed. It felt as if I was kicked in the chest. And then I saw them. I had tubes coming out of each armpit, and were connected to surgical drains. They were filled with a liquid that looked like blood. Looking at them made me sick. The drains were attached to my robe with safety pins.
“I can’t lift myself up,” I told her, and Sarah tried helping me stand up.
After a few attempts and a lot of pain, I managed to sit on the bed. Sarah helped me put on my flip flops and we started our journey to the bathroom. I used my IV stand and leaned on it. Every movement of the tube caused me excruciating pain, but I didn’t have much of a choice. I finally made it to the bathroom. At that very moment, I couldn’t believe I would be back home in two days and back to normal
. The thought of having to lie back again and then stand up, freaked me out so we called a nurse who helped me settle into the armchair.
Through the window, I could see a new hotel being built right in front of the hospital. I thought about the kids and how I would manage after the surgery. I thought about whether the surgery was successful and what would it look like the day they removed the bandages and I would see the results. I thought about a lot of things, but my thoughts kept going back to mom. She died and I had a surgery so I could live. If it weren’t for her being sick, then we might not have found out I had the gene, unless I would have also gotten sick. My pain was mixed with guilt.
I sat on the armchair and watched the sky turn brighter, it changed from black to dark blue, and then light blue. At some point, I fell asleep.
Chapter 73
“You can go,” I said to Sarah in the morning. “Michael will take the kids to daycare and school and come over.”
“Are you sure?” Sarah pulled her curls back into a ponytail.
“Yes.”
“OK, sweetie,” Sarah leaned over and kissed me on the head, “I’ll come again in the evening.”
“I don’t know what I would have done without you.” I really didn’t.
“If you want me to get you something, give me a call. I’m going.” She took her purse and left.
Michael texted me he was on his way, but stuck in traffic. A nurse came in and checked my temperature and blood pressure, and said that the doctor would come soon for a checkup.
When Dr. Katzman came in he checked everything and confirmed everything looked well. “As far as I’m concerned, you can go home tomorrow,” he said with satisfaction.
“When can we remove the drains?” They bothered me most in this absurd situation.
“It depends on the secretions. You need to check daily and see if they fill up. Keep me posted, and we can decide accordingly when to remove them. I’ll see you next week at my clinic for a checkup.”
When Michael came with the food I was already starved.
“You didn’t pick up when I called so I brought you all kinds of things.” He placed the bags on the bed and started taking out different baked pastries.
“Katzman was just here. He said I can go home tomorrow.” I decided to take a mini-pizza roll. This was the only form of tomatoes I was willing to eat.
Michael spread a towel so I wouldn’t get dirty and I ate the roll as quick as a flash.
“When do you think you’ll bring the children over?”
“Probably around 5:30. There’s traffic in the afternoon.”
“OK, let me know when you leave the house so I can get ready. I don’t want to look like a mess in front of the kids.”
“No problem.”
I finished my pizza roll and asked Michael to help me move to the bed.
It took fifteen minutes of pain, and by the time I was lying in bed I was already exhausted. When I woke up, Michael had already left to bring the children and I asked the nurse to give me something for the pain. I felt as if I had been run-over, but wanted to look my best for when the children came over, or at least as much as I could.
***
Ariel and Adam stood at the door and refused to come in. Michael walked in with Romy, who stretched out her hands for me to pick her up. But I couldn’t even lift my hand to caress her. Michael brought her close to me so I kissed her. She smelled like daycare; a combination of sand, play-doh and sweat.
“Come say hello,” I told them, but they clung on to each other and mostly to their snack bags.
“How was your day at school?” I tried encouraging Adam to speak, “did you get any homework?”
Adam just nodded and didn’t say anything. He took another chip and placed it in his mouth. He dropped some crumbs to the floor. Luckily, someone else had to clean up after them for a change.
I tried bringing Ariel closer to me again, but nothing helped.
After fifteen minutes, I gave up. Michael understood and took the children home. I sat in my bed with despair and cried. I felt so bad to have scared them like that. I couldn’t tell them I did it for them. But that wasn’t the only reason I cried. It’s been exactly two months since mom passed away, and I missed her more than ever. I wanted to go home, to my room and my bed.
***
“You look much better than yesterday,” Gabi said when he walked in with a large pizza, and after him Tommy following in reluctantly. The smell of the pizza overpowered the hospital smell and filled the room with pleasurable scents.
“I’m feeling a bit better but I’m still in pain.”
“OK, the surgery was just yesterday. It will take some time.” Gabi placed the pizza next to me and I immediately felt hungry again.
“Yes, I can barely lift up my arms,” I showed him my new disability, “I can’t even drink on my own. Can you give me a slice?”
“When are you going home?” Tommy asked, while separating one of the slices.
“Probably tomorrow, if everything goes well.” I took a bite from the pizza that Gabi held up for me, as I tried eating in the cleanest way possible. I still wasn’t allowed to take a shower and was actually afraid of the moment I would have to. I was happy to delay it as much as possible.
After an hour Sarah came, and Gabi and Tommy went home.
Even though the pain was bearable, the nurse offered me some painkillers before I went to sleep and I agreed. I was willing to take anything they offered me for a better sleep.
The painkillers helped a lot, because I woke up only when the nurse came in the morning to check my temperature and blood pressure.
“Everything looks great, you’re going home today,” she said in a cheerful tone.
“Good,” I replied. I’m going home.
Chapter 74
A red and orange impressive bouquet, waited for me on the dining table, with a “get well soon” card from all the girls in the office.
Michael put my bag down by the front door. “Would you like to go to the bedroom or rest in the living room?”
“In the bedroom,” I replied, and slowly started climbing up the stairs. The drains hurt with every movement I made. They would fill up every day and I had to overcome the disgust of having to empty them. I couldn’t wait for when they’d remove them and I would be able to painlessly move.
Michael fixed the pillows for me, so I could sit in a comfortable position. When he got off the bed, the mattress shook and I screamed in pain, we agreed he would sleep in Romy’s room so I could get some sleep at night.
I turned the TV on and looked for a way to kill some time. I flipped through the channels and found a rerun of one of those American sitcoms. I remembered how less than three months ago, I sat with mom and saw these ridiculous episodes, with the laughter track they added so that the viewer wouldn’t laugh alone. I cried in bed and tried thinking what mom would have done if she were still alive. She probably would have come to help me with the kids, or just sit beside me to pass the time.
Michael walked in with the children, and I could hear their little steps approaching the room. The door opened and Ariel came running in.
“Don’t jump on me!” I yelled at her just a second before she landed on top of me.
“Does it hurt, mommy?” she asked with a concerned look and sat on Michael’s side of the bed.
“No, but you can’t jump on me, OK?”
“When can I jump on you?” she asked, as if this were her one true aspiration.
“I don’t know. For the meantime, you can’t.” She looked disappointed. “How was daycare?” I tried stirring the conversation towards a less scary direction.
“Good,” she took the remote control and changed to the Disney Junior channel.
Adam walked into the room and sat quietly on the floor beside me.
“Maybe you should go
watch TV downstairs and let mommy rest?” Michael asked when he walked into the room with a cup of tea.
“But we want to be with mommy,” Ariel replied decisively for both of them.
“I want my mom, too,” I thought to myself. And at that moment I realized something that I seem to have forgotten. I was so preoccupied with my own grief, I failed to notice it. I was too focused on myself, my loss, missing my mom, my fear of the disease. I took care of them, raised them with love, and tried being the best mother I could be. But this shadow that followed me, prevented me from seeing things as they were. It was a crazy rat-race of life and I didn’t even stop to think. I felt as if I had discovered something new about myself. I am to them what my mom was to me. I don’t know why, but I just didn’t actually realize it until that moment.
“It’s OK,” I said to Michael, and placed my hand on Ariel’s, “they can stay.”
Chapter 75
Tommy, who was accepted to a film school in Melbourne, moved to Australia with great excitement and Gabi was left alone in their big apartment. I couldn’t imagine how it must feel to find yourself alone like that. Though this wouldn’t be Gabi’s first time. When mom was sick, he spent a few months on his own in Australia. Still, this was different. It was a different kind of loneliness, one that I couldn’t even imagine. There’s something about the fact that your spouse is the one relative that you choose for yourself. The rest, are simply there. Gabi behaved as if he was fine, but we knew he was in pain. I hoped for him, that he could go back to having a better life and, despite it being difficult for me, find a new partner.
When it was time for my checkup with Dr. Katzman, Michael took me to the fancy clinic which we hadn’t visited in months.
“Everything looks great. How much have you had in each drain in the past 24 hours?” Dr. Katzman asked as he removed the bandages and checked the stitches. I couldn’t bear to look at it.
“About 10 ml,” I remembered emptying them yesterday and then rounded down the number a bit. I knew that if I wanted to get back to normal, I had to get rid of them and fast. I couldn’t have them around the kids and had to stay away from them so they don’t accidently touch the drains and make me scream with pain.
