Explaining what happened, she just shakes her head sadly, telling me once again that it’s normal. I pick up a book that sits on the bedside table and throw it at the door when she leaves. I know logically this isn’t her fault. But right now my logic, reason, and understanding has vanished and I’m just left with sadness, anger and confusion.
“Amanda, please come back to me!” I screech as her breathing slows right down. I squeeze her hand as fresh tears assault my eyes. Then it’s like everything stops in my head. All the sounds. All the air is sucked out of the room. Time stands still as I watch a tear roll down her cheek. Before a sigh seems to escape her lips and the machine brings me back to my senses with one long continuous beep. The nurse quickly runs back in, she then turns off the monitor as I scream, unable to control the anguish coursing through me.
Feeling like my lungs have seized, I gulp down as much air as I can. My stomach twists and I jolt back from the bed, throwing up on the rug. Finally sinking down into my own vomit. A commotion erupts behind me, and I’m jostled and hoisted back into the strong arms that I know will keep me safe, keep me warm, and give me a home.
With those thoughts, my body feels limp, the room blurs and I finally let myself go, let myself drown as my whole world is submerged in darkness.
My muscles ache. I haven’t physically hurt this much for at least two months. An intensive training session in the gym always makes me feel like this. I know the reason my body groans with every moment. Standing, I allow my neck to drop back, easing it slowly from side to side trying to help my muscles. When Bel called me at two a.m. I knew… how could I not know? What other reason is there for a two a.m. phone call. But shit… I hoped like hell, in the first few seconds, that it was a butt dial or maybe she was calling to tell me she missed me. When her sobs echoed through my cell, I knew I needed to get my shit together. I’m not sure I’ve ever woken up so quickly.
Having to knock and tell Rubén what was happening—watching his face—that sent a burn through me. He quickly recovered, re-arranging his features to keep his feelings inside. The journey back here was silent. The tension rolling off him was suffocating, I really could have cut the air with a knife. I’d barely brought the car to a stop when Rubén had the door swung open and he was pounding the lawn running to the front door. Lights shone in my mirror as I switched off the car and angled out. Automatically glancing that way, I saw Mike copying Rubén and running to the front door. I gave a sad smile to Simone as I pushed forward eager to get to Bel.
I’ll never forget walking into that room. I’ve loved Bel every day since I first started crushing on girls. I’ve always wanted to protect her, to look after her. Never, have I ever, felt that feeling more fiercely than when I saw her sitting on the floor, completely desolate and empty. Every thread of my essence fell deeper in love with her in that second. I didn’t think I could adore this woman more than I already did, but seeing her in so much pain made me want to be her balm and soothe her. I felt a tenderness for her that I’d never felt for anyone, ever.
Ignoring the noise around me and gently lifting her into my arms, whispering soft words that I don’t think penetrated, I brought her to the bedroom. Held her through the tears, the pain, sadness and sorrow. Ignoring my own pain spiking inside me. At some point, we must have both fallen asleep. I was uncomfortable when we laid down, not that I cared. She cried into my chest as I kept her on my lap. Sleeping half sitting up caused me to acquire this literal pain in my neck. And somewhere along the line we lost nineteen hours. It’s way past nine p.m. now and I have no idea what’s happened with everyone else in the house, but looking at Bel somehow she’s still managing to sleep. The past few weeks have drained her, and the past few days have taken their toll.
I stretch a bit more, then quietly creep out of the door making my way downstairs. The whole house is silent. Reaching the living room, I see Simone sitting watching the television. An empty glass is in her hands and her eyes aren’t really taking in the program on screen. She seems lost in thought.
“Simone?” I call her, questioningly, gently.
Her body jerks, surprised by my arrival. “Oh, hello Danny,” she says, her French accent coats her words.
I hold out my hand. “This seems a bit formal in the circumstances, but as we’ve not officially met I thought I should say hello.” She takes my hand with a sad smile. Mike took Simone straight off to the hotel as per Amanda’s wishes, which means Simone didn’t get to see her. “You didn’t get to say goodbye?” I ask, but I already know the answer.
She shakes her head sadly. “I-I went through this with them both. I was already with Mike when Amanda was diagnosed, and when Pierre ran…” she stops and shakes her head looking down, “I missed my chance. But she knew I loved her, I told her before she left for America. Still, my pain is nothing compared with Mike’s. I need to be strong for him, to focus on him,” she says it all then her eyes widen like she’s worried that she’s said too much.
“It’s okay. I’ll not say anything to anyone. You can talk to me if you need someone to lean on while you’re here,” I tell her, thinking that’s what Amanda would want for her.
“Okay, chéri, but who are you going to lean on?” She smiles sadly at me.
“Don’t worry about me. As long as I can look after Bel, and be everything that Amanda wanted me to be for her, then I figure I’m following Amanda’s wishes and that she’d be happy with me.” I believe one hundred percent in what I say, but I also know there’s a searing pain in my heart. It will dull with time, but it’ll never go away. Amanda’s loss will forever affect us all. “Where’s Mike?” I ask.
“He’s sleeping. After last night… well, he didn’t go back to sleep. He’s been organizing the funeral all day today, it’s keeping him busy, something to focus on. I don’t think he wants to stay here any longer than he has to. Some may say it’s wrong, but all around here,” Simone gestures to the house, “it has ghosts for him. Katherine and now Amanda. It’s hard. I know. I lost my first husband and still, every day, I miss his smile. Understand me, I love Mike as he does me, but he also feels the same pain I still feel. So I understand his need to get free and clear of this town.”
I nod, knowing we all deal with things differently. This is just his way, what he needs. “So when is the funeral?” I ask.
She looks at me and winces. “Monday.”
“Monday,” I repeat her word slightly shocked. “It’s now—” I break off looking at my watch, “ten past ten on Saturday night. Monday doesn’t give us much time,” I tell her, working through things in my head.
“Oui, I know. Mike wanted it tomorrow, but Pastor Wilson refused, being a Sunday and having service in the morning. He tried to talk Mike into late next week, but he was stubborn. Monday at noon. Not much time at all.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “Has he sorted anything other than the funeral? Like a wake?”
“No, he doesn’t want anything after, he just wants to leave. I called some people today explaining there was no wedding. Rubén also called some, then he disappeared for a while.”
“You know where he is now?”
“Oui, outside,” she replies pointing to the back yard.
Figures.
“Okay, thanks, Simone.”
As I walk out of the back door, it’s hard to see anything. The only sound is the rustle of the wind through the trees. I glance up at the stars and they give me some comfort. Striding the length of the yard and back again, until I finally sit on the wall in the corner. I can’t see Rubén anywhere. “Well, Amanda, you’ve left me with a mess to clear up. You asked me to look after her, to love her always. That’s something I can promise you. It’s Rubén I’m worried about. How do I help him? I keep thinking what if it were me… I don’t imagine I’d ever get past losing Bel because I never did. So how do I help him get past you?” Sighing to myself I know there are no answers to be had.
Standing up ready to go back into the house, I see a shadow emerge from the d
oorway. Rubén. He doesn’t see me there as he walks to the furthest point of the garden. I’m about to walk over to him when I jump, as he stares up at the sky roaring into the night. It’s a full on release of pain. Raw and uncontrolled. I stare at him before jogging over, he startles when I appear but says nothing as I grab him pulling him into me and holding him with my hand on the back of his head. He slips his hands under my armpits and up, clutching my shoulders with his fingertips. Suddenly, he buries his face in my neck and his back heaves up and down as he completely unravels.
“I-I d-don’t know how to… just… w-what am I supposed to do now? We should be m-married now.” He cries like this for a couple of minutes then stops, pulls himself back suddenly and wipes his face with the back of his hand. “Doesn’t matter anyway. It’s done. I’ll cope.”
“Rubén, brother, don’t dismiss—”
“No Danny. It’s fine. I just need a few days, sort my head out. When the funeral’s over, I’ll head back out to San Francisco or New York. Wherever. I just need to get back to reality. This shit…” he waves his arms around, “…this isn’t my reality,” he says and before I can say anything more he spins on his heel and walks away.
“Rubén,” I call and he stops. He stands still but doesn’t look back. “Love you man,” I say and he nods once, then walks around the side of the house. My legs root me to the ground until I hear my rental car start up and the tires squeal as Rubén leaves.
I’m blessed really. To have those few dreamily peaceful minutes after waking from sleep. A time when everything is as it should be. But everyone knows… for every action, there’s a reaction, for every positive a negative exists. To have those few peaceful moments, I also have to suffer the almost intolerable pain… pain that surges through me when the memories fall back into my consciousness.
This morning, after my breath is taken away by the agony, I look around the room. I’m alone. Waking up around midnight that was the first time I experienced the pogo stick of emotions. Danny was awake next to me, he told me I’d been asleep for nearly twenty-four hours. I wanted to get up, but I must have fallen back to sleep, as the next time I woke up, it was a little after three a.m. This time, I didn’t move, I just breathed through the pain. Counting every time I inhaled and exhaled.
Danny sleeping at my side helped keep me calm. I stared at him, sleeping, peaceful. His face is so soft, so unassuming while he sleeps. It’s open and almost joyous. It makes me feel special, that I get to see that. I laid awake for a while, the last time I checked the clock, it was a little after five a.m. and the light was starting to break through the dark. Now it’s nine forty-three a.m. and I have to face the day. I haven’t spoken to anyone since Amanda left us. I jolt up in bed, as my heart slams into my ribs like it’s trying to break through. Jumping out of the bed, I frantically search around the room pulling clothes out of drawers and tearing books from the shelves.
I hear a door click but don’t really take it in until Danny’s arms calm me, as they always do, by wrapping around my chest and holding me gently while giving me his strength. I slump forward but he supports me as I cry again.
“I’m so sick of crying. I don’t want to be this sad… will I be like this forever?” I sob.
“No, baby. You’ll learn to live with the hurt. She’ll always be there, but when this isn’t so raw, you’ll remember that she wants you to live for her… live for you.”
I turn around so I’m tucked into his chest. “I can’t find my notebook, I have something in there I need to give to Rubén,” I explain my crazy behavior, looking for my book.
“It’s okay, baby, I’ll help you look. Where did you last have it?” he asks.
I swallow. “In Amanda’s room, when I was with her.”
Nodding he kisses my head. “Stay here, I’ll go look.”
“Thank you,” I whisper out, sinking back into the bed. Once Danny walks out, I bring my legs up to my chest wrapping my arms around my shins and laying my head on my knees. Facing the window, I look out to the fields. “What would you say to me, Mandie Moo? What would you have me do? I’m in so much pain. You left and I’m angry with you Moo… I’m so angry with you.” I keep staring outside, waiting for her to show me she’s heard me, willing the rain to fall.
I have no idea how long it is until Danny comes back into the room, telling me he found my notebook. I’m stuck in position watching the sun mock me.
I sit on the floor, in the corner of the cloakroom at church. I came here early, wanting to be by myself. Danny wasn’t happy, but he gave me the space I needed. Now I’m sitting here, stuck in a loop. Wave after wave of nausea lashes my insides. My knees pulled up to my chest, protectively, once again. I’m trying to hide myself from the world. It’s time for me to say my final goodbye, the funeral has come around too quickly. Burying my head and trying to pretend this is all some dark dream, some nightmare where everything can be fixed, is my new way forward.
People filter into the waiting area, and I can hear their chatter from my hiding spot. Voice’s I recognize float into my hidey hole, and I wish I had the strength to hurt someone right now. I wish I felt stronger.
“It’s awful, something like that happening to someone our age. Imagine! It could have been any of us.”
“Well, I think it’s strange that she came back here. Why? To die? I mean she hasn’t graced us with her presence for years.”
“Jenny! You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead. I mean what if… she could have a ghost here or something.”
“Stop talking rubbish woman. Ghost! Pfft! Next y’all will be telling me that Ashley Summers had an immaculate conception and that boy isn’t Keith’s. Even though he looks the spittin’ image, let me tell you.”
“Jenny, Samantha. Nice to see nothing’s changed, you’re still talking trash about everyone. Don’t have enough to fill your lives, I see?” Ashley’s voice shuts them both up momentarily and confirms who I thought it was. Ashley must walk away because they start right back up.
“Bitch, thinking her shit don’t stink since she’s hooked Keith back.” I can place Jenny’s voice now.
“Uh-huh, not like he ever wanted her anyways,” Samantha answers with a snort.
“True, but then he never wanted Anabel either, not after realizing she was barren.”
They giggle at their own comedy show and I feel tears spring into my eyes.
“You two still letting your acid tongues loose?” My stomach dips as I hear Danny’s voice.
“Danny Quinn… well, aren’t you a sight,” Samantha purrs.
“Mmhmm, you grew well, you always were a looker. I’m surprised to see you’re back for Amanda’s funeral,” Jenny adds.
“Nuh-uh, I heard he’s been spending time with Anabel.”
“So that’s why she kicked Keith out. I gotta give it to the girl, she traded up.”
“Yeah, but Danny, you know she can’t get knocked up, right?”
“Enough!” Danny roars. I startle and it snaps me out of my self-pity party. Standing, I move to the door cracking it open. Danny’s face is a sight to behold. He’s furious, and I wouldn’t want to be Jenny and Samantha right now. The ten or so people in the room all stand still staring at what’s happening in front of them. A flutter takes root in my stomach, pushing down the nausea. “You two cannot help but put others down. Are you that insecure that you have to try and make yourselves feel better by bringing others low? You know that shit doesn’t work, right? You can talk trash all day, you still got to go home and look at your own faces in the mirror. Every. Damn. Day. You see the ugly, right? It seeps from inside of you, making its mark all over. Everyone in this town knows what you two are. Bitchy schoolgirls still stuck in a time which worked better for you, a time when you were on top. Listen, and listen good… that time is gone. People rarely think anything of you, and when they do, do you know what they feel?”
Both of the women shake their heads automatically.
“Pity.” Their heads jerk back at Danny’s word.
“They don’t envy you, they don’t want to be like you, hell, most of the town can’t stand you. All you get from people is pity. They feel sorry for you. The reason I’m laying it out is because I don’t feel pity. I think you’re both pathetic, and what you’ve turned out to be is your own doing. But hear this ladies. I will not, hear you speaking badly of Bel. That woman has more class, more beauty, and more grit than you two will ever know. She’s better than you, both her and Amanda, they always were. Now. Amanda wouldn’t have wanted you here. I know that, she told me. If you had come to pay your respects, then I would have let you be. Seeing as you can’t keep your big mouths shut, I suggest you use the door. Don’t worry, no one will miss you,” Danny snarls the last bit and Jenny opens and closes her mouth like she doesn’t know what to say until Samantha pulls her away disappearing out the doors.
I take a step back, pushing myself against the wall. My breathing has picked up, matching my rapid heartbeat. I hear people approaching Danny, to congratulate him on a job well done with the bitch twins. Closing my eyes, I think of how he described me. He said I have more grit than them. I’m embarrassed. I used to be that girl. When he knew me all those years ago. I lost myself for a long time. I’m aware that I have found pieces of me since Amanda came back and since I left Keith. But these last few days, I’m breaking and my fight has slipped out between the cracks. I need to start building myself back up. My first step is facing today.
I breathe deeply. “You can do this,” I chant, before swinging the door open and stepping into the waiting area. It’s empty. I don’t spend time looking for everyone, I make my way to the graveside. Once I reach the huddle of people I see Danny, he walks forward grabbing my hand in his.
“I thought you’d run off,” he states, concern in his voice.
“No, I just needed some breathing space.”
Finally Unbroken Page 20
