by Peter Martin
‘You don’t know what that monster did to me, dad. He raped and beat me and took away my self-respect. I thought I was going to die. And when I found out I was pregnant and had an abortion, not knowing whose baby it was, I was devastated. I have to live with the fact that I killed by own baby and that it might have been Blake’s child. I’ll never forget that until the day I die. And now I can’t face work, because they know why I was off sick, and are judging me. It’s too much to take.’
Her father cleared his throat, then scratched the back of his head, as if he was trying to weigh up the options. ‘All right, Donna. Perhaps it’s better if you do leave Bluethorn. There’ll be plenty of other jobs to apply for. So when you get over this, look for something else.’
‘Stop it! Stop it!’ she screamed her teeth clenched together in agony. ‘I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Just leave me alone.’
‘Come on now Donna...’
She got up from her bed and literally pushed him away in an effort to make him leave the room. ‘Go away. I’ll sort it out myself – like I always have. No need for you or mum to keep badgering me.’
‘All right... all right,’ he said, his eyebrows raising to reveal the deep creases in his brow. ‘If that’s what you want, that’s what you’ll get, young lady.’
On leaving the room, he slammed the door in temper, which brought about waves of guilt, as she realised how badly she’d treated him when he wasn’t to blame. She was over reacting and not dealing with her problems in a rational way. He hadn’t liked her attitude and guessed he’d soon be telling her mother what had gone on. But what the hell.
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Once again the following morning, she stayed cosseted away in her room, only leaving to make herself something to eat and drink, at which time her parents made pathetic pleas to her. They went on and on nagging her, but she was determined, and said very little in an effort not to lose control.
As the days passed, they seemed to get the message and left her alone. She spent the time doing nothing except to read magazines or watch television. And then she lost interest in caring about her appearance – she didn’t wash as much as normal or even brush her teeth. Her hair was unkempt and greasy and her face lacked its usual makeup. She just couldn’t get herself out of the trap she’d fallen into. It was as if her resolve to make her own decisions and not listen to her parents, had shut her mind to any sense of reason. Her room became the only place where she could get some peace. When her doctor visited Donna refused to answer his questions and sent the poor man packing.
Days turned into weeks and arrangements were made for another counsellor to visit her, but she had no intention of responding to him and his stupid questions. There wasn’t much to live for now anyway. So what was the point in getting better?
Her parents would move heaven and earth to help her as they saw fit, but any advice or help from them would be a ploy to get her round to their way of thinking. How long it would be before they meddled she didn’t know, but she would be prepared?
When it came, though the timing was unexpected, the rest wasn’t. It was early in the morning, she’d been woken by the milkman rattling his crates of milk, and was now sitting up watching her portable television. A gentle knock on the door, was followed by her mum and dad and the doctor of all people, all having serious sombre expressions on their faces. Donna only glanced at them, before staring down at the carpet, her hair covering her face so no one could see the expression on it.
Her mother who so far had been subdued spoke. ‘Donna, I’m sorry, but this has gone on long enough. You can’t carry on like this. You must co-operate with the doctor before it’s too late.’
She didn’t even bother looking at them knowing her mother’s patronising voice so well and also the condescending look she’d have on her face.
Moaning loudly, she didn’t care much what they did or said. They couldn’t force her to do anything against her will. If she didn’t want to co-operate with the doctor, she wouldn’t. She’d hear what he said, but that didn’t mean she had to oblige him with a response.
He sat down on the bottom of the bed beside her, while her parents remained standing, obviously keen to see what was happening, but staying in the background.
‘So how are you, Donna?’ he asked her in a deep melodic voice.
She didn’t speak, and shrugged her shoulders.
‘Not very well I see. Which isn’t surprising given what you’ve been through lately.’
Donna gave an ironic snort that summed up her current mood.
‘Please allow us to help you. Your parents are worried sick. I appreciate you’re not fit for work yet, but somehow you must try to get yourself well again. I realise how hard it is for you, but with your family’s support, you can do it. Make an effort to go out, find an interest, anything you that will stimulate you, and help you regain your confidence. In the meantime, might I recommend we increase your medication, as obviously your current dosage isn’t working as well as it should. And finally, I’d like to ask you a pointed question. Please don’t be offended... but do you ever have any thoughts about self-harm?’ The dour expression already on his face remained unchanged.
Her mouth puckered out, she glanced at him for a second, then shrugged her shoulders again.
‘Donna, I want to help you, as do your parents but if you won’t talk to us, there’s nothing we can do.’
She could feel his eyes almost burning into her. She didn’t reply. Her anger was rising. How dare they get the doctor out without her permission? If she wanted help, she’d ask for it.
‘We’ve talked about counselling before? I know you’ve seen several counsellors already, but didn’t find the sessions very satisfactory. Well, I could put you in touch with someone more specialised with people in your situation. The person I have in mind was also attacked at roughly your age, so she knows something of what you’re going through.’
She glowered at him. ‘How many times do I have to say it? Leave me alone. I don’t want your fucking help or anybody else’s either. You’re all making me ten times worse. You hear me?’ Her face appeared twisted and tormented.
‘Please don’t be like this,’ her mother said, sniffing back tears, meant to emphasise her concern.
Donna stared at them all. She felt like screaming, throwing things, anything that would make them go away. Then she broke down again, but when her mother went to her aid, she pushed her with such force that her mother staggered back against the door.
There was silence in the room, all of them seemingly shocked by Donna’s actions. She wished they would react, because she wanted to scratch their eyes out, as she would have done to that monster given half the chance.
‘I’ll make out a prescription for you, and an appointment for you to see this counsellor. Naturally, we can’t make you to do anything if you don’t want to, but I urge you to take my advice, or your recovery may be even more difficult and prolonged.’ The doctor handed Donna’s mother the prescription.
And with that, they left Donna alone in her room. Hearing her father thanking the doctor for coming, as they went downstairs together, she could imagine what they were saying and that she wouldn’t like it. All right, so maybe she was at the low ebb but the way they kept on at her, meant she’d never get herself right.
Cold sweat trickled down her back, then she became restless too. She wanted to get out of bed and run far away from her problems - from her life in fact. Go where no one would ever find her to start a new life. And she might still do that if things didn’t improve.
Chapter 10
FROM HER ROOM SHE COULD STILL HEAR THEIR MUMBLINGS. A haughty laugh came from the doctor, then the front door closed and he was gone. Donna knew her parents would be back upstairs soon enough and didn’t look forward to that.
It wasn’t long before they returned, walking straight in to sit on the bed beside her. She noticed how serious they looked as if they were really concerned.
‘Donna, you have to
pull yourself together, for your own sake as well as ours,’ her mother began, with watery eyes.
‘We were devastated when we found out you’d been raped, but what’s happened since is even worse. Splitting up with Blake, the abortion and now this business at work. And all you do is mope around up here, twiddling your thumbs. What’s got into you, love?’ Her dad looked deep into her eyes, shaking his head, obviously wishing someone could talk sense into her.
‘Nothing. I don’t need this – and I can’t help the way I feel.’
‘No, but you can’t expect us to sit here while your life goes down the pan.’ Her mother leaned over to put a hand on her shoulder. Donna flinched. ‘You’re still very young; with your whole life ahead of you. There’s so much you could do if only you realised it. It’s heart breaking to see you like this.’
She slid down into the bed, closed her eyes, and covered her ears with her hands to drown out whatever they were about to say. She hoped they’d get the message, as it was all she could think of to make them go away.
After a little while she was aware of them getting off the bed. Then she moved her hands from her ears and opened her eyes to see the door to her room closing. Thank God for that, she thought and turned onto her side and drifted off to sleep.
She woke to the sound of someone swishing back the curtains to allow in the light. Moving over onto her back, and with squinting eyes she saw her mother’s determined face in front of her, obviously in a very black mood. She was always apprehensive when her mother was like this.
Before long Donna felt herself being pulled out of bed by the arms.
‘Come on young lady, up you get. Before he went the doctor said not to let you lie around all morning in bed, feeling sorry for yourself. All right, everybody knows you’ve had a terrible experience, but that’s over now - time to get off your backside and start living your life again. And if you can’t do it by yourself, we’ll do it for you. Now – I won’t tell you twice.’ It was an order.
‘You can’t do this. Piss off and leave me alone, will you?’ It wasn’t the first time she’d sworn at her mum, but on this occasion she seemed incensed by it.
Donna saw her mother raise her hand, but didn’t expect the slap she got across her cheek. It stung painfully and made her gasp. ‘Wash your mouth out, young lady. Don’t you ever talk to me like that again – you hear? You will get up now whether you like it or not. Or do I have to drag you by the scruff of the neck into the bathroom myself, as I did when you were a kid? Come on, what’s it to be? And when you’ve had something to eat, we’re going out to fetch your prescription and then you’re coming shopping with us. No argument. I’m through pussyfooting with you.’
‘And what if I won’t go?’
‘You’re coming. End of story. We’re getting you some new clothes.’
‘I don’t need anything.’
‘You do. You need them so you can be presentable when you go to interviews.’
‘Interviews?’
‘Yes, interviews for jobs. If you’re not going back to Bluethorn, you’ll have to find something else. It won’t be difficult with your qualifications. You were the one who wanted to get a degree, weren’t you? I know there’s not much you can’t turn your hand to, be it beauty or brains. So now let’s see you prove it.’
Donna found out some clothes, all the time glaring at her mother, and headed for the bathroom, still feeling the stinging pain of the slap. Her mum meant business that was for sure and was still waiting outside the door when she came out.
The two of them came downstairs together, and went into the kitchen, where Donna’s father was already sitting, reading his newspaper.
As she sat opposite her dad to eat a bowl of cereal, looking over his spectacles he said, ‘I gather we’re going shopping?’
‘That’s what mum’s said.’
‘Good. You need something to wear, to make you look nice again. So that you’ll stand out from everyone else at your interviews. Then you’ll be halfway towards getting another job.’
‘Dad, even if that were true, I wouldn’t want it to be that way. If I get a job, it’ll be through ability, rather than because I happen to be pretty.’ She got up and put her cereal bowl in the sink.
‘But you’d be a fool not to try to look your best. First impressions count for a lot.’
‘I don’t need this from either of you.’ She started to move towards the door.
‘Sit down!’ her mother bellowed. ‘You’ll make the effort if I have to push you all the way myself.’
Feeling tearful again, she clasped her hands together before speaking, ‘I can’t do anything anymore. My confidence is shattered, and everywhere I go I keep imaging that man is out there waiting for me.’
‘Darling, he’s not. He doesn't know who you are, or where you live or worked. He won’t even remember what you look like.’
‘Your father’s right, you’ll be with us, love, all the time we’re out shopping. We won’t leave you alone for a minute.’
‘I’m not sure. Don’t want you spending all your money on me. I’ll have some of my own one day, and then I can buy all the clothes I want myself.’
‘Donna, we have money sitting in a bank account doing nothing. Your mother and I can’t think of anyone we’d rather spend it on than you. Now, not another word. We’ll have a browse around the shops and see what happens – all right?’
She hadn’t the energy to argue any further.
The morning was cool, dry and sunny but windy. For Donna it was the first time she’d been out since the day of the Bluethorn incident. She shivered and was glad when she got into the car. Dexford Shopping Centre beckoned. Normally a place she relished visiting with all its boutiques and designer shops, but today she didn’t care and was only doing this because of the pressure her parents were putting on her.
They stopped outside every clothes shop they came across, pointing to this and that in the window, hoping to encourage Donna to go inside. But she pulled a face, or shook her head as if she wasn’t interested.
Her parents never lost their cool however, even when they saw how stubborn Donna was trying to be. It was only when they went inside a large department store to buy her dad a new coat that Donna looked at a few of the dresses situated close by.
‘Why don’t you try one on?’ her mum encouraged, looking across at her.
Donna jumped slightly, bit her lip, suddenly feeling embarrassed, but then saw a turquoise chiffon dress that was rather nice. Normally she would have gone for it like a shot, but right now…
She took it off the rack, stared at it for a few seconds.
‘Go on, what have you got to lose,’ her dad said.
The more she thought about it, the more tempted she became. Without looking at them she went into the changing room with the dress.
The old yearnings for nice pretty clothes didn’t quite return, but perhaps it wouldn’t hurt if she tried this one on. There would be no obligation whatsoever to buy. As she stared at herself in the mirror, even she had to admit, the dress was very fetching. However she wouldn’t parade about in it in front of her parents, and didn’t care what they thought.
She was undecided, her eyes darting all over the place as she attempted to make up her mind. Back in she went to the mirror for another look. Surely, it wouldn’t hurt – would it? She’d pay them back later.
Out she came, and without looking at her parents said, ‘I’ll have the dress, that’s if it’s all right with you?’
‘That’s fine,’ her father said with a hint of a smile.
Once she started, there was no stopping her, and going from shop to shop, she eventually settled on a grey suit and a cream silk blouse, in addition to the turquoise dress.
On the way home she said, ‘I’ll pay you back.’
‘And how will you do that?’ her mother asked.
She hesitated. ‘I don’t know, but I will.’
‘Anyway, I’m glad you got something. All we need to do now is to f
ind you somewhere to wear them,’ her father said glancing in his mirror at her as he drove.
‘We’ll have to get ourselves invited to a few parties, go out more often too. And you, young lady should reacquaint yourself with a few of your old friends, the ones you dropped for Blake. Or make new friends when we go out,’ her mother added.
‘Don’t worry Donna. Just take it at your own pace. Why don’t you ring up a few people like Clare or Felicity – you were really close to them before you met up with Blake – weren’t you?’ her dad said.
Donna sighed to herself. Felt nauseous even to consider such a thing.
Her dad continued, ‘I can’t help telling you this, but you’ll look sensational in all your new clothes. Just think, if you can look great, when you’re at your lowest ebb, imagine how you’ll be when you’re at your best?’
She let out a quiet gasp. He was getting as bad as her mother. Would they never give it a rest?
‘I’m not interested. I won’t wear those clothes, nor will I go to any parties or meet up with any of my stupid old friends. They’ll all know about it too -’
‘Not that again. But how can they? There was nothing in the papers or the local news, there’s no way –’
‘They’ll find out, dad. Word gets around. I can imagine them now, hey… I hear some guy raped Donna... and so it goes on and on. You don’t know what it’s like out there in the big wide world.’
‘It’s no good talking to you,’ her mother said. ‘You can’t tell me the whole of Dexford know about the rape. Anyway if you won’t go out or socialise, find yourself another job. And if you can’t get a job you want, do what you do best. You’d walk into something in no time. All right, so you’re a little older but over the next five or ten years you could make a fortune and then after that, you could do whatever you choose.’
‘How can you even think I’d want to go back to that?’ A single tear trickled down the side of her face.
‘Donna, you haven’t much choice? If you can’t do what you’re trained for, what you did before is the only answer. Smile nicely at the camera and you’ll have it made. That’s not too difficult, now is it?’
