by Rhoda Baxter
‘Honey, I know he hurt you, but you really do have to let it go.’
‘How can I? I loved Ashby. I thought he loved me too. Then I find out that for months I'd been living a lie. How can I just forget that and move on like it never happened? I let it happen once, how do I know it's not going to happen again? Maybe I've got “use me, I'm a sap” written on my forehead. Maybe I'm just a terrible judge of character.’ Tears welled and she squashed them away with her palm.
Polly squeezed her arm. ‘You're a nice person, Jane. It doesn't mean you're a sap. When you first met Ashby, he was basically a nice person too. You guys were well suited. It's just that when he suddenly became famous, it went to his head a bit. He changed. It's not your fault.’
‘But how did I not see it coming?’
‘Who would? You were happy for him and as supportive as it was humanly possible to be. There's no way you could have known that he was going to be seduced by a tart from Hollyoaks.’
Jane stared into her drink. A tear rolled down her cheek. ‘She wasn't the only one,’ she said, her voice barely above a whisper. ‘There were others. One night stands, mostly. Pete from the band told me. He felt bad for covering for Ash. Everyone knew, Pol. Everyone but me.’
‘Oh Jane.’ Polly scooted close and hugged her. ‘Oh Jane, I'm so sorry.’
Jane buried her face in Polly's shoulder. ‘I feel so … used.’ She had kept this extra news to herself for months, not wanting to add to the evidence of just how gullible she had been. Now that she had told Polly, she felt an odd sense of release. Tears flowed, but she did nothing to stop them. Polly held her, as always, a source of comfort.
‘You can't let him poison everything else for you too,’ said Polly, after some time. ‘You've met someone new now. You like this Marsh guy, right?’
Jane nodded.
‘Well, you have to give him a chance then. You can't let Ashby ruin this for you.’
Jane leaned back and stared at Polly's earnest face.
‘From what I can tell,’ said Polly, ‘all Marsh's done is postpone a date. That's hardly a crime. Did he say he really wanted to see you?’
Jane nodded.
‘And you still want to see him?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well then.’ Polly spread her hands. ‘Why don't you give it a chance?’
Polly was right. She thought of Marsh's shy smile. Could she really compare that to Ashby's confident grin? Everything she knew about Marsh made him the polar opposite of Ashby. He was analytical, where Ashby was creative; he was caring, where Ashby was self-centred; and he was a thoughtful lover where Ashby had relied on youthful enthusiasm. Surely, it wasn't so hard to believe that he would be honest where Ashby was not.
She wiped the tears off her face. ‘You're right. I'm just being silly.’
Polly gave her a fond smile. ‘That's my girl.’ She returned to her own chair. Picking up the bottle of wine, she topped up both glasses. She raised hers. ‘Besides, you're not such a bad judge of character. You picked me for a best friend.’
Jane smiled back and clinked her glass against Polly's.
‘Since neither of us has any plans tonight,’ said Polly. ‘How about we get a DVD and some chocolate and have a girly night in?’
Jane woke up the next morning feeling strangely light-headed. So much so, she wondered if she was still drunk from the night before. Rather than making things worse, sharing her sorrow about Ashby's betrayal had somehow loosened the grip he had on her. She wished she had told Polly sooner. She hummed to herself as she brushed her teeth.
Back in her room, she pulled out her suitcase and surveyed her clothes. She needed something that was casual, but sexy. It was inconvenient, having only her work clothes and a few pairs of jeans at Polly's. She could hardly wait to move into her own place, so she could bring the rest of her clothes down from her mum's attic.
She made a mental note to contact Ashby again and try to get the deposit cheque from him. And then it occurred to her that she had just thought about Ashby without the familiar ache stirring in her stomach. Perhaps it was a good thing she had spent the previous evening with Polly and not Marsh.
After trying on several outfits, she settled on jeans, T-shirt and a cowl necked jumper that hugged her slim figure, whilst making her breasts look larger than they were. She packed a spare top and some underwear into a small bag and went into the kitchen, still humming. She was halfway through her breakfast when Polly shuffled in, wearing her dressing gown.
‘Morning,’ said Jane.
Polly waved in her direction and poured herself a cup of coffee. ‘You look nice. And cheerful.’ She popped some bread into the toaster. ‘Looking forward to the rest of weekend?’ she said, with a wicked grin.
Jane grinned back. ‘Yes, you could say that.’
‘I'm almost jealous,’ Polly said. ‘What have I got to look forward to? A trip to the cinema, if I'm lucky. He's not a great romantic, my Andy.’
‘Oh, stop moaning. You'll have the flat to yourselves for the weekend. And don't pretend you'll spend it watching DVDs.’
Polly laughed. ‘I'm glad you're in a better mood.’
‘Thank you. I think I really needed to get things out of my system.’
‘I'm glad you did,’ said Polly. ‘Any time you need to talk to someone, I'm here for you. You know that.’
‘I know.’ She gave Polly a quick hug. ‘And I really appreciate it.’
‘It was nothing.’ Polly gave her a little push. ‘Now get going. You're making me feel all frumpy with your long legs and nice jumper. Shoo.’
Chapter Sixteen
Text from: Stevie, To: Marshall
We r leaving at 2 & the flat is all urs. I'd like 2 say it was nice, but it wasn't rly. Did u have 2 be so rude 2 Buzz? What's got into u?
##
Text from: Marshall, To: Stevie
I wasn't rude. I just told him to mind his own business. I didn't want to discuss the possible value of the flat with him. Nor talk about how your trust fund works. Please try and leave the flat in a reasonable state. Like clear up after you have breakfast. The kitchen was a disaster this morning. What did you do when you got in? It sounded pretty raucous around two in the morning. I'm surprised Mrs Watkins didn't come storming round.
##
Text from: Stevie, To: Marshall
Will u listen to urself? Any1 would think u were in your 50s. Lighten up! Just cos I needed looking after when I was a kid doesn't mean u need to now. I'm over 18 and I can do what I like. Can't believe Mum & Dad gave u power over my money until I'm 21. Bet they didn't realise you'd be such a despot about it. Don't worry, we'll leave the flat in a good state so u can show ur precious gf round.
##
Text from: Marshall, To: Stevie
Look, I'm just worried about you. I know you think you love this guy, but believe me, he doesn't love you. You're just too close to see it. He'll keep borrowing money from you until you refuse and then he'll leave.
##
Text from: Stevie, To: Marshall
Oh yeah, cos ur such an expert on relationships. 1 word: DOMINIQUE. I don't have to listen to u any more. I'm an adult now.
##
Text from: Marshall, To: Stevie
Perhaps you should start acting like one, then.
##
Text from: Stevie, To: Marshall
Fuck off.
##
From: Marshall, To: James
Well, I finally met the famous Buzz. And, I hate to say it, but I think I was right. From the moment he got there, he was looking round with a calculating eye. I don't trust him. Unfortunately, Stevie seems to be totally besotted by him. I'm not sure what she sees in him. He doesn't even appear to be very clean. Marsh.
* * *
Jane looked round the crowded coffee shop and didn't see Marsh. Doubt wriggled into her mind. Had he stood her up?
Maybe she had been too optimistic about him. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise. She wasn't eve
n sure she wanted another relationship so soon after Ashby.
As she turned to leave, she spotted Marsh, at a back table frowning at his BlackBerry, with a cup of coffee and a half eaten muffin on the table. He appeared to be concentrating on what he was doing. He hadn't stood her up. He was waiting for her, just as he'd said he would be.
Jane remembered her conversation with Polly the night before. She couldn't let Ashby ruin her chances of finding someone new. She lifted her chin and started towards him.
Because she was looking directly at him, she saw the exact moment he noticed her. His face lit up and he smiled, like a child on Christmas morning. His whole body seemed to become lighter as he scrambled to his feet. The doubts in Jane's mind evaporated, replaced by a thrill of pleasure. No one had looked that delighted to see her in years.
Weaving her way among the tables felt almost as if she was taking a journey from the office to a different world. When she said ‘Hi,’ she felt as if they were meeting after a long separation.
He leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the lips. ‘You look … fabulous.’
Jane giggled. She was used to the phrase, having heard it shrieked between air kisses many times when she'd been with Ashby, but she had never heard any sincerity behind it.
This time it sounded heartfelt. At that moment, she felt fabulous.
‘Do you want a coffee?’ He slipped his BlackBerry into his jacket pocket.
She shook her head. ‘What's the plan for today?’
‘What would you like to do? I'm all yours.’ He paused. ‘In a manner of speaking.’
Jane had to laugh. ‘I'd quite like to see London. You know, do touristy stuff. I've been here a few months now, but I haven't really done the sightseeing thing yet.’ She didn't mention the reason was that she still hadn't got over the fear of photographers jumping out at her.
‘Touristy stuff it is, then.’ Casually he gestured, offering to take her overnight bag.
Astounded, she let him take the small girly bag and sling it over his shoulder. Ashby would not have been seen dead carrying a bag with daisies embroidered on it. Marsh didn't seem to care. He took her hand and together they walked out into the overcast London day.
It took Jane a while to relax. She was still half expecting people to stare and point. At first, she kept reminding herself that the man holding her hand wasn't a pop star, but a normal, non-glamorous patent lawyer, and that in London no one knew or cared who she was. Once she finally loosened up, helped considerably by a nice lunch and a glass of wine, she felt a warm sense of happiness as she and Marsh walked along the packed streets.
In the evening, they stopped to watch the sun set over the Thames. As it disappeared, the meagre heat of the day went with it. Jane shivered.
Marsh, who had his arm round her, shrugged off his jacket and draped it on her shoulders. Standing behind her, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her gently to him. The coat was comfortingly warm and smelled faintly of him. She leaned back against his broad chest and sighed. How could she have even thought of not coming out with him? How long had it been since she had felt so cherished?
She turned her head and looked up.
‘It's getting cold,’ he said with a smile. ‘Shall we go home?’
Her heart responded by increasing its pace. ‘Let’s.’
He continued to gaze at her for a moment before lowering his head to kiss her.
In that brief moment Jane felt like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Jane sank into the sofa in Marsh's flat and stretched her legs out. The day's walking had tired her out. Marsh was pouring wine. Her senses were so attuned to him that she was aware of where he was, even when she couldn't see him.
‘Here you go,’ Marsh handed her a wine glass. Moving the remote control, he sat down next to her, leaned back and put his arm round her.
His body felt deliciously warm and solid. She took a sip of wine, enjoying the moment. They were still getting to know each other and real life hadn't stepped in to spoil it all. She savoured the feeling of his arm around her and the gentle tug in her stomach that told her she fancied him.
Marsh placed a kiss on the top of her head, which made things just that bit closer to perfect. ‘What do you want to do tomorrow?’ He flicked on the telly. There was a chat show on.
‘Don't mind,’ Jane murmured and half closed her eyes.
‘I'll just check the weather. We could have a picnic in Hyde Park, if it's sunny.’ He moved slightly to pull out his phone.
‘That sounds lovely.’
‘We might be in luck.’
On the TV, the show cut to the live band. A familiar voice sounded in song. Jane's eyes flew open. She sat up and reached for the remote control.
‘Isn't that your ex?’
Jane stared at him. He knew? How long had he known? Who else knew?
Marsh returned her stare. ‘What's the matter?’
‘I—’ She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘I didn't think anyone knew, that's all.’
Marsh looked embarrassed. ‘Stevie told me.’
She had been so been so convinced that she could keep her past secret, but she had been wrong. What else was she wrong about? And who else knew?
‘Jane?’ said Marsh. ‘Are you Ok?’
To her surprise, she felt tears prickle. She blinked them back.
He turned the TV off. After a long, mutual silence Marsh said, ‘It must have been exciting, being a pop star's girlfriend.’
There was something in his voice that made her look up. It suddenly occurred to her that he might be worried about how he would compare to Ashby. Even though Marsh seemed confident enough, wouldn't he wonder about the glamorous world she used to inhabit?
She was about to assure him that she didn't draw comparisons when she realised that she had been doing just that all day. Admittedly, Marsh had come out better in contrast to Ashby, but that didn't alter the fact that Ashby had been in the back of her mind. Perhaps it was better to be honest. Marsh was a nice man and didn't deserve to feel like he was playing second fiddle to her famous ex. ‘It was Ok. But it got a bit boring after a while.’
‘Boring?’ He raised an eyebrow. ‘Hanging out with the rich and famous and going to parties doesn't sound all that boring.’
‘It was, really. I mean, that life can be fun to start with, but then it becomes a bit samey. You obsess over everything – the dress, the shoes, the jewellery, the lip gloss. How's it going to look? Is it fashionable enough? Is it too fashionable? When you get somewhere, everyone gives everyone the once over. You never know who's going to try to stab you in the back in the next day's paper.
‘Everyone's nerves are so stretched that they practically twang when they walk. The only way you get through it is to have a drink. So you have a glass of champagne, you try and chat to people and not make a fool of yourself. When it gets so late that you don't think you'll make it into work the next day, you call a taxi and go home. And then you get about two hours sleep and drag yourself into work. It's horrible.’
‘I only went because Ashby wanted me to. I didn't enjoy it much. I felt pretty inferior most of the time, to be honest.’
Marsh was watching her intently. His expression was unreadable. ‘Inferior?’
Jane grimaced. ‘Everyone at those parties is either glamorous or talented or rich. Sometimes all three. Ashby used to sometimes wander off to talk to “useful contacts”.’ She made air quotes with her hands. ‘And I'd end up talking to a businessman in a suit who was worth a fortune.’
It suddenly occurred to her that some of Ashby's ‘useful contacts’ may have been other women. What had he really got up to when he'd disappeared for long stretches of time?
The minute the thought occurred to her, she knew the answer. How could she have been so stupid?
Marsh was still watching her. ‘Sounds to me,’ he said, slowly, ‘like this Ashby guy is an idiot.’
Jane couldn't help smiling. ‘That's your
considered opinion, is it?’
‘Trust me. I'm a lawyer.’
Jane had to laugh.
When Marsh kissed her, she leaned into him and kissed him back, trying not to spill her wine. With her free hand, she reached up to touch his hair. He drew her closer. Just as she was about to abandon herself to his kiss completely, her stomach rumbled. Embarrassed, she wriggled loose. ‘Sorry.’
When he simply looked into her eyes for a moment, she thought he was going to kiss her again. Instead, he smiled. ‘You're right. We'd better get something to eat.’
He leaned closer, until his lips were millimetres away from hers. ‘You can't do interesting things on an empty stomach.’ He placed the lightest of kisses on her lips and stood, leaving Jane to chide her stomach for ruining the moment.
Sunday evening, when Marsh offered to see Jane home, she hesitated. Much as she enjoyed herself with him, she didn't really want him to come to Polly's flat. Her relationship with him was too new and she didn't want Polly to meet him yet. She liked the fact that no one knew about them. She wanted to keep this relationship her precious private secret for as long as she could.
When she didn't reply immediately, Marsh shrugged. ‘If you'd rather I didn't, that's Ok too.’
‘It's not that I don't want you to see me home. It's just that it's Polly's flat and it'd be a bit awkward. I'm really sorry.’
‘I understand. Really.’ He kissed her. ‘I guess. I'll see you at work.’
‘That's going to be weird.’
‘Yes. Very. It's so hard to be near you and not being able to do this.’ He pulled her towards him with his hands at her waist and kissed her just below her ear. Slowly he worked his way down to her collarbone, kissing all the way.
Jane melted. How was she ever going to be able to think about anything at work tomorrow? She wriggled in his grasp. ‘Stop it,’ she said, half-heartedly. ‘That's too nice.’
