He handed me the microphone and the damn thing was shaking all over the place. More accurately, I was shaking all over the place. “Evan,” I said quietly, “I don’t think I can do this.”
“Yes you can, Ink. You can do this.” He held my hands around the mic to steady it and hit a button on the sound board behind him. “You got this, baby. Just relax and close your eyes. You got this.”
I did as he asked and closed my eyes. He was throwing me into the deep end and forcing me to sing but I wasn’t pissed. He was doing it out of love. When the intro to the song began, I smiled but still didn’t open my eyes. I had my favorites, as everyone does, but I loved a great Country ballad. The only other person I ever sang in front of was Aimes. She would turn the radio up in her car so loud there was no way anyone else could hear. She was also shockingly tone deaf which made me less self-conscious. Evan chose something I’d sung to him word for word. It started as a joke but he encouraged me to keep going. I started softly at first until I realized the music was blaring.
Of all the songs I loved to sing, Tammy Wynette was an excellent choice. “Belt it baby!” and when I hit the chorus, I did just that.
“Stand by your man…”
When the song finally ended to a small round of applause and whistles, Evan was holding my hand, full of pride. He was the first man I thought I could really let into my heart, my first real love, my first real risk. I’d always been guarded emotionally, knowing I was the only person I could depend on. But something about him changed that. I tried not to think too much about it. The things I didn’t want to share, I just kept to myself.
As I grabbed my coat and bag, Aimes (who’d been listening from the bar), took my arm and pulled me to the side. “That was really good Ink. I mean really, really good. Fuck art, you should totally be a singer.”
“As much as I appreciate that, it was like, five billion miles out of my comfort zone.” I shrugged.
“So you’ve said. Well, maybe you and your man can take it on the road. By the way, you keep calling him boyfriend instead of…fiancé. Say it with me, fiancé.” She teased.
“Yeah, I need to work on that.” I couldn’t look her in the face because this girl could see right through me. Instead, I looked over at the stage where Evan and Lisa were laughing about something.
“What? What’s wrong? Just tell me, Ink. I know you have all sorts of things swirling around up there in that head of yours. Is it because he hasn’t given you a ring yet?” She pointed to my hand.
“No, you know I don’t care about that. I just can’t believe he wants to marry me.” I sighed.
“And that’s a problem because…?”
“It’s nothing Aimes, really. I just get freaked out sometimes, wondering when the other shoe is gonna drop. This all happened really fast and I’m just freaking out that he’s gonna change his mind or something.” I kept a nervous smile on my face but she knew it wasn’t genuine.
“Inky,” she pulled me further away from the bar and spoke softly so no one would hear; “he loves you. I don’t know what made him want to ‘settle down’ (she made air quotes even with her hands full) so suddenly but he’s kind of impulsive like that. For whatever reason, he doesn’t want to fuck around anymore. He just wants you and you deserve to be happy. Don’t sabotage it because you’re afraid. I don’t mean that to sound harsh or anything but he seems happy.” She spoke with total and complete sincerity.
“You’re right, I know. I just can’t believe how great he is.”
“Listen, it’s none of my business but, as your best friend since forever, I wanted to ask you something: Have you told him?” She said this carefully and quietly.
“No, I haven’t”
“Why not?”
“Why do I need to, Aimes? It’s not important. Just like I don’t want to know about all the girls he’s been with. Why can’t this be the same?”
“It’s not the same thing and you know it. Hasn’t he ever asked what your tattoo means?” My entire back was permanently covered with a giant tree. Of course he asked about it. Everyone asked why I was called “Inky or Ink” instead of Anika. The meaning behind it though was a different story. “Yes. I told him about it without telling him everything.”
I said it with attitude.
“Don’t get defensive, I just figured that’s the kind of thing you tell the guy you want to spend forever with, that’s all.”
“Maybe I will but it’s not important and it’s not going to affect our future together, so until I have to, IF I ever have to, I’m not planning on telling him. Got it?”
“It is important, Ink, but put your claws back. I got it.”
I was grateful she didn’t push the subject anymore. It wasn’t like her to be so persistent. I knew she was just looking out for me but I wanted to leave the past in the past where it belonged. Unfortunately, deep down
I knew she was right.
***
I spent the short drive home looking out the window. We only had a few blocks to go but, you know, why walk when you can drive in Southern California? I preferred to walk and didn’t even have a car but Evan and Aimes insisted it wasn’t safe. When I was a kid, I walked everywhere, sometimes in the middle of the night, trying to be careful that the cops didn’t pick me up. My mother loved to play a little game called, let’s lock the front door and not let my 10 year old come in tonight. But I didn’t want to think about that, now or ever. It was one of the topics I didn’t want to elaborate on with Evan.
“Baby, where are you?” Evan wrapped his fingers through mine, driving one-handed as we pulled into the driveway. The girls got out and left us in the car, laughing about something that happened during our shift.
“I’m here. I was just being nostalgic,” I lied. “I’m still kind of amped up. Wanna go walk on the beach?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said squeezing my hand. “You know, Ink, you were really great tonight. I know it was hard for you to get up there and do that but please believe me when I say you have a lot of talent, a gift. I’m a musician you know. I can’t lie about something like being a good singer.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at his professional opinion, “Thanks for that. Aimes said the same thing. I don’t know, singing in front of a bunch of people does not make me feel good at all, but I will happily sing for you any time you want to slum it with an amateur.”
“You’re pretty funny, you know that? I won’t push you to do anything you don’t want to, baby. Well, except for tonight. Tonight was an experiment. You have another month to work on another song and do it again. Even if it’s small-time karaoke, even if it’s just for me, you should always have a turn….Now, let’s go for that walk. ”
I wanted to tell him it was a one-time deal but secretly I loved the release that standing in the bar and singing gave me. It was a different kind of outlet compared to painting. He was right though, I had a month to prepare and I could always back out. The most important thing was him, he was there for me and he loved me. I felt like I could do anything if he was there and tonight proved that.
When Evan and I went to the beach, it almost always ended with sex. I think it was partly the thrill of being in a public place with the threat of being caught in the act but we both loved it. As we hit the sand, I slipped off my practical work footwear and socks and let the sand squish between my toes. When we reached the shore, we went to the right and settled under a wooden stair case that led to a private home. Evan pulled my hands around his neck and untucked my shirt from my pants, “It was great seeing you sing tonight.” He said kissing my cheeks.
“Thanks. How come you never sing? I always meant to ask you?”
“I’m not much of a singer. All my talent is in my fingers.” Those same fingers were moving across my t-shirt bra. The sound of small, low tide waves were lapping the shore.
Turning around, I put my hands above my head and held onto the step above me, pressing myself into his hardness. His hands felt wonderful, sliding beneath the
cups and pinching my nipples. I dug my feet into the sand as he worked his way down, one hand holding my waist, the other undoing the button of my work pants and sliding them down my hips until they fell to my ankles. I knew his moves but it didn’t matter. I liked the familiarity of his touch. He kissed the back of my neck while he pulled my panties down to my knees and took his hand away from me only long enough to move himself between my legs, finding his destination. For someone who got stage fright, I was completely uninhibited here and, as he thrust inside me, my hands gripped the step above for leverage. I pushed back to help him go deeper, meeting his thrusts each time. He slid out for only a moment, his fingers dipped inside me and glided up to rub my clit.
Something was making him rougher than usual, more impatient and I loved it. As his breathing became more ragged and his movements more forceful, I desperately tried to keep my hold on the step but we fell together onto the sand, never losing our connection. The force hit me deep with a mix of pleasure and pain I found so erotic, that his urgency pushed me to the brink. Between each gasp I cried out, “I’m close, Evan…now!” In that moment we came together, his force causing us to fall further into the sand, panting and trying to catch our breath.
“Oh my God, Evan.” I laughed wiping my lips. There was sand in my mouth and who knows where else but it was totally worth it.
“That was fucking great, baby.” He said pulling my hair from the side of my face.
“I love the beach.” It was all I could manage to say between a gasping laugh.
“I love you.” He hand brushed my jaw sweetly.
He always one-upped me.
Chapter 3
It was another glorious Friday afternoon at Rusty’s. I set a cardboard coaster down and gave Dean a fresh Bud.
“Thanks, Inky-girl.” He slid a five across the bar to me. “Keep the change.”
I served this man every Friday afternoon. He was there from the beginning of my shift until the bar started to pick up around seven. What I knew of him was that he was divorced; it was ugly, she took the kids and hadn’t seen them since. He was also an alcoholic but I suspected that habit was a result of his divorce, not a cause.
“How about next time you’re here and I’m off the clock, you buy me a Bud, Dean?”
“You’ve got yourself a date.” He took a sip and gave a little satisfied sigh. “Hey, Ink? Come on over here a minute…” I moved close to him and saw the deep creases around his eyes. Somewhere in his forties, he had a thick build and a handsome face. Unfortunately, I also noticed that his eyes were dull and lacked the sparkle he had not a month before. He was getting worse. I wasn’t new to this but it made me sad all the same. It was the one thing about my job I hated; I was an enabler.
I could argue that everyone has to work and if I wasn’t doing it making great money, someone else would and that person might not be as compassionate as me. In the meantime, I would try to say something subtle if I had the chance. It was none of my business but every now and then, I did it anyway.
“What’s going on, Dean?”
“What’s up with Lisa?” He asked.
She’d been slamming things around and stomping through our house for weeks now. It was driving me crazy that she wouldn’t open up to me and Aimes. I decided then and there that I had to try and talk to her or at least make her aware that if customers are noticing, our boss was going to notice. Rusty was cool. He would happily let you cry on his shoulder, but he hated drama spilling into the bar.
“I’m not sure, but I’ll get to the bottom of it. Don’t worry, Dean.” I smiled and made sure he got a bright one that touched my eyes so he’d know I meant it. “Say, Dean?”
“Yeah, Inky?” He took another sip of his beer.
“Have you been able to see the kids?”
I watched him run his finger down the label on the bottle, skimming the condensation. “Denise says they’re happy with their stepdad, they don’t even miss me. She doesn’t even want child support from me. She just wants to play happy families with this guy. He’s a dentist. A damned dentist. I’m blue collar but I make decent money, I always took on odd jobs too, still do, just so I could give her and the kids anything they wanted. I know you’re engaged to Evan, girl and I’m happy for you, but I have a piece of advice to give if that’s okay with you?”
“Shoot, Dean.” I shifted my body so he had my full attention.
“People change. It can happen quickly or it can happen slowly but it happens. Your job is to see it, recognize it. You gotta talk to each other. You might love blueberry pie, think it’s the best fuckin’ food on earth. Then one day, you decide you want to try lemon meringue. But your husband, he still thinks you like blueberry and he keeps giving you blueberry every year for your birthday thinking he’s doing the right thing. Your job is to tell him you want to try something different and his job is to ask if you still like it and it goes both ways. She stopped liking blueberry pie a long time ago, Inky. Maybe if I’d asked, maybe if I hadn’t worked long hours, I’d have noticed. So, that’s my advice.”
“Communication.” I stated.
“That’s exactly right.”
“Your kids wanna see you, Dean. She probably doesn’t want to but I’d bet you…I’d bet you a painting, they miss you like crazy.”
“Ink, are you getting that case of Rolling Rock or do you want me to do it?” Lisa asked, all snippy.
“Let me know what you want me to paint, Dean. It’s a bet I know I’m gonna lose.” I gave him a wink and made my way down the bar toward my bad-mood roommate.
“Lisa, what the hell?” I asked quietly. “I’ve got customers asking me if you’re alright. So, are you alright?”
She stopped moving around bottles as she dusted the tiered wood shelves that held our top shelf liquor. “Yeah,” she let out a deep breath. “I just have a lot on my mind.”
I decided to just put it out there.
“Lisa, you know you’re all kinds of crazy beautiful. Like, it’s unfair how beautiful you are. Whatever this guy is doing, I can guarantee you another one ten times better is going to snap you right up if you give him the chance. I know that probably doesn’t make you feel better but I’ve been holding back saying anything.”
“Yeah. Okay.” She said and quickly changed the subject. “So you want to bring up that case of Rolling Rock or do you want me to do it?”
“I’m happy to do it.” I walked away, not surprised. As usual, Lisa gave me nothing. I’d have to be sure to put that in the tell Aimes later pile in my head.
I returned to Lisa who was now stocking the condiment trays. She had just rinsed a bowl of limes and laid down a cutting board when a dark haired man sat down in my section of the bar. This time of day was a free for all but it seemed like Lisa needed the solitude of manual labor.
“What can I get for you?” I took a little towel from behind the bar and wiped a ring left by a glass. “Sir?” I looked up and saw eyes I could only describe as autumn; golden, green, all the colors of fall… they were beautiful. He lifted his chin, his tanned face framed by dark brown bangs that were too long, falling onto his forehead.
“Scotch, I guess.”
“Coming right up.”
I made his drink and set it down in front of him, noting that he was contemplating something. My guess was a broken heart. I let him be and went about the task of cutting fruit alongside my silent partner. Suddenly, she surprised me with conversation.
“So, how did he do it?”
“Do what?” I asked.
“Evan. How did he propose?”
“How do you not know this story, Lisa? This is prime bar gossip?”
“I know you dated for like, two weeks, and then bam you were engaged.” She stabbed a lime on the bam.
“Well, it was more like two months but yeah, it was pretty quick, I guess.”
I couldn’t help but laugh as I indulged her with an explanation. I’d had so much flak about our quick engagement but I really didn’t care. I had wanted to
be with him for so long, I didn’t hesitate for a single minute. I set down my little knife and took a sip of my cherry coke. “Well, you know the night that Gerry showed up? He’d only broken up with me a week before that but he was practically having sex with that Jess girl next to the stage. I mean, I knew it wasn’t going to last but still, it did sting a little to see how easily replaced I was after a year.” I didn’t mention that I was a total hypocrite for saying that, Lord knows all Evan had to do was snap his fingers and I was there. “I guess Evan had been watching the whole thing. After I cashed out my drawer, he asked if I wanted to go to the beach. And you know he and I have always had this sort of…casual thing (meaning I was his booty call but we had customers so I didn’t clarify).
It was two in the morning but he said there was a meteor shower that night and no moon, so it was perfect for sky watching. We bought coffee and donuts and saw a few shooting stars. Then the sun started to come up and he pulled me in next to him and said, ‘I think we should do this again in about fifty years.’
I was like, ‘Fifty years? You’ll probably be living in a rock star mansion in Malibu with your fourth wife and I’ll probably be dead from all the paint fumes I’ve inhaled over the years. Not to mention I’m planning on drinking heavily as any decent artist should aspire to.’”
I heard Dean laugh when I delivered that line.
“I thought I was hilarious. But he wasn’t laughing. So I said,
‘Geez, you’re a tough crowd.’ But he didn’t respond. After what seemed like hours, he pushed me away so he could look me in the face and said,
‘No, not my fourth wife, Ink, my first wife. The one I watched the meteor shower with on the beach that one time and then watched the sun rise.’”
Sigh.
“I thought he was joking at first so I started to laugh but he didn’t. He just kept looking at me. Of course, I got all awkward and started to panic. So I stood up but he pulled me back down and said, ‘Seriously, Ink. You and me.’ Needless to say I was, well, pretty damn happy and have been ever since. We went on an actual date last month and that’s that.”
Inky Page 2
