by Jolie, Meg
Carly swiped at her cheek. She hadn’t realized that her eyes were filling with tears until one spilled over and ran down.
Jesse made a pained face. “I’m sorry. I’m sure it sucks to hear this.”
She shook her head. “No. It’s not that. I mean, yeah, it does suck. But I just feel bad for you. I can’t believe she went through with it. I can’t believe she’d do that to you. Especially if she knew that you wanted it. Why did you stay with her after that?”
“Uh…” he grimaced. “That’s actually not what happened at all. She started hemorrhaging one night. I got her to the hospital right away but there was nothing they could do. She ended up losing the baby. It was pretty awful. The thing is, she was a mess after we lost it. She blamed herself because she thought it was karma or some damn thing. Like since she’d been threatening to get rid of it, fate decided to do it for her. Then she blamed me, telling me that since I wouldn’t just marry her, I’d caused her too much stress.”
“Jesse,” Carly said quietly, “those things happen. They aren’t anyone’s fault.”
He nodded miserably. “Yeah, I know that. But I couldn’t walk away from her after that. She was depressed and it scared me. She wanted that baby more than she would ever admit to me. I mean, she was completely broken. I just felt like if I walked away from her then, I’d completely destroy her.”
“Do you really think she would’ve aborted it?” Carly carefully asked. “I mean, she was crazy about you. I can’t imagine that she’d willingly cut that tie to you.”
“At the time, I took her threats seriously. We had some pretty heated arguments. I believed her. I think she’d even convinced herself she’d do it. But I think she knew me well enough to know that I was going to cave. I would’ve married her, if it had come to that. Looking back, hindsight and all, I think she was bluffing. A few months after it happened I found a bag of baby clothes in the closet. That right there told me she’d planned on keeping it all along.”
Carly’s eyebrows shot up. “So she was manipulating you.”
He nodded and his embarrassment was clear. “Yeah, I guess she was. Probably, I should’ve been pissed about that. And part of me was. But after we lost the baby, we were both so crushed. Jake’s death made me look at things differently and after all that happened, I just let it go. She made a mistake and she was paying for it with her guilt.”
She tried to put herself in his place but couldn’t. It was impossible to know what she would’ve done if she were him. She was sure she couldn’t have been so forgiving.
“For a while, things were good for us. I mean, I think in a way, losing the baby brought us closer together. We agreed not to tell anyone. She didn’t want people to know after the fact. She didn’t want to deal with questions. I mean, she had a really hard time talking about it. She also didn’t want people acting weird around her. So we just kept it to ourselves. You’re the only person I’ve ever told. So please don’t be pissed that I’ve waited this long to tell you. But really, I promised Betsy I wouldn’t tell anyone. So I’ve been torn. But I just can’t have this between you and me any longer. I needed you to know.”
“I’m not pissed,” she assured him. She hated that he and Betsy had had this huge secret between them all this time. Not to mention, a life changing connection. Yet she understood his hesitancy in telling her. “Now that I know, it explains a lot. I mean, you were with her a long time. It just didn’t make sense when you claimed that you didn’t really love her.”
He shrugged guiltily. “Honestly, I felt obligated to her. I mean, part of me knew that the miscarriage wasn’t my fault. But another part of me couldn’t stop wondering if she was right. If it was because of the stress, you know? But like I said, on top of that, I couldn’t walk away. She’d just lost the baby and she kept telling me she couldn’t survive losing me too. So I stayed. Things weren’t great. But they weren’t bad. They were just comfortable. So I stayed.
“But then Luke and Quinn got together and she kind of snapped. I think it made her start thinking about you again. One day she asked what would’ve happened if I’d gotten you pregnant.”
Carly leaned back, waiting to hear the answer to that.
He shrugged guiltily. “I wouldn’t answer her but I really didn’t have to. That’s when things really went to hell.”
“Wow,” Carly muttered. It was a completely inadequate response, she knew. But her head was spinning so wildly she couldn’t come up with anything better.
“I’ve never told anyone that. Not my parents, not Luke the entire time he was living with me, not even Shane,” he said, mentioning his best friend. “It feels kind of, I don’t know, would it sound lame if I said therapeutic? It feels good to finally tell someone.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
“The funny thing about it is that I never realized I wanted kids. I mean, I never really thought about it. Then Carter was born, right in the middle of the whole mess between Betsy and me. I went up to the hospital to see Quinn and she offered to let me hold Carter. I wasn’t going to but then she just handed him to me. And I knew, right then, that I did want kids. I just didn’t want them with her.”
“I didn’t know you went to see Quinn,” Carly admitted.
He gave her a small, sheepish smile. “Yeah, well, to be honest, I made sure it was a time you weren’t up there. Everything was still so raw from losing Jake. Betsy was making those threats. I just knew I couldn’t stand to see you under those circumstances.”
Carly scooted closer to him, gently placing her arms around his neck. He slid his arms around her, pulling her tightly into him.
“What’s this for?” he murmured next to her ear.
“I just want you to know that I’m sorry you went through all of that. I wish I could’ve been there for you when you lost Jake. I know that was horrible for you. And now to know you lost a baby, too.” She rested her forehead against his. “I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he assured her.
Maybe she didn’t, but she still felt awful about all he went through. She pulled away just a bit so she could look him in the eye. “Life is just too short and unpredictable. Isn’t it? When you think about it that way, it really just makes you want to appreciate every second.” She tightened her grip on him appreciating, in that moment, just how fragile the future could be.
He let out a humorless laugh and nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
They sat in silence for a long while, the movie playing in the background. Neither was watching. They were both processing what they had learned.
“I’m glad you finally opened up to me,” Jesse said. “I was starting to worry you were never going to. I’m glad you finally told me what happened with Nolan. It means a lot to me that you were able to share something like that.”
“I’m glad you were finally able to talk to me too.” Carly said. “Thank you for telling me what happened.”
He forced a smile. “Thank you for taking it so well.”
She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t taking it well at all. Her heart was breaking for him. Yet, she’d somehow never felt closer to him. Instead of saying anything, she leaned in and kissed him. He roughly pulled her into his lap.
Both of their emotions were swirling out of control. The small, gentle kiss quickly escalated into something more. Carly nipped at his bottom lip as his hand slid up her shirt, caressing her ribcage. When it crept higher still, she let out a quiet moan.
“Please don’t tell me we have to stop this time,” she whispered.
He kissed a trail up her neck, stopping next to her ear. “Why? What do you want from me?” he teased.
“I just want to be close to you.” She slid from his lap, taking his hand in hers as she led him back to her bedroom.
Carly’s fingers fumbled with his jeans. Jesse made much quicker progress ridding her of her jeans. Her shirt was flung off next. He helped her with his jeans and then his shirt was off as he walked her backward to her be
d.
Carly moved across the mattress in the darkness. As soon as the bed dipped and Jesse’s body pressed against hers again, she pulled him to her.
Somewhere in those few seconds, he’d rid himself of his boxers. Her bra soon followed. She lifted her hips and her panties joined the pile of clothing on the floor. Jesse gently pushed her back into her pillows, in the darkness. The feeling of his bare skin against hers was almost too much. His mouth made a trail from her neck, down her chest. His tongue flicked out, across her nipple and even though she was expecting it, she gasped, surprised at the intensity of the desire it elicited.
If she had thought her yearning was burning out of control when they had been in the other room, it was a complete conflagration now. His mouth moved back up until he found her mouth again. He lowered himself between her legs, just rested there as he continued to kiss her. She ran her hands over his arms, up and down his biceps, awed by the corded muscles she felt, bulging. She finally slid her hands up, resting them on his shoulders, lightly digging in with her nails. She wanted more. She desperately wanted more. But she let him set the pace, as she enjoyed every little kiss.
He kissed her gently as he lowered himself a bit more. This time, his erection pressed against her. She tilted her hips slightly to allow him to rock into her.
Inch. By. Blissful. Inch.
16
“Carly,” he said soothingly. “It’s going to be okay. We’ve talked about this. A lot. We can make the long distance thing work.”
She glanced up at him. She didn’t look convinced.
After their Friday night confessions, they’d spent most of the past two days curled up together, talking. The weight of their separation was pressing down heavily on both of them. They had pulled themselves from the house long enough to accept a dinner invitation from Melissa and Dan on Saturday night. Carly would’ve declined, wanting to savor the last of her alone time with Jesse. But Jesse had wanted to meet her friends.
Now, the clock was creeping into Sunday evening and he needed to start the long drive home.
“Okay,” he said as he leaned back against the counter. He pulled her to him, looping his arms around her waist so she’d have to face him. “Tell me what you’re worried about. Do you not want to do this? Will it be too hard on you? I know this is your senior year. Maybe you don’t want to be tied down in a long-distance relationship.”
“It’s just that we’ll be so far away from each other. I know we agreed to visits every other weekend. It just doesn’t seem like very much. And I still have five months of school left. That’s a long time to be apart,” she explained.
He nodded. “It is. But we’ve waited eight years for this. What’s five months? You didn’t answer me, though. Do you not want to do this?”
“You’re a guy. You have needs. What if I’m not there to take care of things?”
He narrowed his eyes at her in disbelief. “Do you really think I’d cheat on you?” Before she could answer, he went on. “First off, I’m edging closer to thirty than I ever want to admit. I’m not some horny teenager that can’t keep it in his pants. Second off, cheating has never been my thing. I sure as hell won’t start that with you. Third off, if my ‘needs’ need to be met…I’ll be sure to let you know.”
She gave him a small smile at that.
“Carly,” he said quietly, “this isn’t going to work if you don’t trust me. I trust you. I need you to trust me back.”
Everything about his demeanor was telling her that she should. That she could. The old fears, though unfounded, were hard to ignore.
“The only thing you have to worry about,” he told her, “is how much I’m going to miss you. I already know I’ll miss you like crazy. But I can trust you, right? I mean, you have needs too.”
Carly could feel heat slowly creeping across her cheeks. She dropped her eyes, knowing he was teasing but there was also a hint of concern. Her gaze landed on his chest. The only two men who had ever met those needs, were Jesse and Nolan. She was perfectly capable of ignoring those needs altogether. However, she guiltily realized that Jesse didn’t know that. Over the years she’d let herself get a reputation that she was now regretting. She’d let rumors fly because she’d known that it made him crazy. And for years, that was what she’d wanted: To make Jesse Nyland go out of his mind. To maybe even break his heart a little as payback for breaking hers.
She cringed as the full realization of her awful behavior washed over her.
“Um, actually…” she started. Most of her body was resting against his. She was still leaning into him as he rested against the counter. She felt him tense, probably afraid of what she was going to say next. Maybe he was worried she was going to tell him that a committed relationship wasn’t her thing.
He couldn’t be more wrong.
“Carly?” he asked tentatively.
Her eyes flicked back to his face. She smiled uncomfortably.
“Since this weekend has been a weekend of coming clean…” She noticed the sudden worry in his face, the tightening around his eyes and mouth. With that, she was sure he was expecting the worst. “There’s one more thing I should clear up. I’ve never been with anyone other than you and Nolan. Not anyone. I know that’s probably hard for you to believe,” she said as she looked him in the eye, willing him to take her at her word. “I know rumors, lots of rumors, say otherwise. But that’s all they were. Rumors.”
He just looked at her, apparently speechless. Or at least, she hoped he was simply speechless. She hoped his silence didn’t mean that he didn’t believe her but didn’t want to tell her that. Or maybe he was contemplating the truth of the matter. She had done some horrible things, all in a quest to manipulate his heart.
She gave him a little shrug and frowned in embarrassment. “It’s true. Before Nolan, it had only ever been you. Now, I don’t ever, ever, want there to be anyone other than you.”
A smile slowly spread across his face. “You’re serious? Nolan was the only other—”
“Yes, and I’m sorry. My behavior in the past, it was—”
He didn’t let her finish telling him what it was. He silenced her with a kiss. His hands had been resting loosely around her waist. Now they slid down, gently rubbing her backside, pulling her into him. Her body responded to his immediately. His mouth dropped from hers, trailing kisses down her cheek, down her neck, finding that favorite spot where it met her collarbone. She melted in his arms. Moaning, she slid one hand from his neck, down his chest, lower still. Stopping only when it was resting over the bulge she felt growing between them.
“I think I have some needs I’d like you to meet before I leave,” he huskily whispered.
“Really?” Carly teased. “Because we just got done—”
He didn’t let her finish. He took her by the hand, tugging her along to her bedroom. She laughed as she hurried down the hallway after him. Clearly, it didn’t matter if they’d just finished or not.
~*~*~
A few hours later, Carly was sulking on the sofa when the doorbell rang. She was wondering how she was going to get through the next two weeks without seeing Jesse. They had both agreed two weeks was a do-able amount of time to be apart. Now that he was gone, she wasn’t so sure. He’d offered to drive back to Roseville. She had insisted that in two weeks, she’d be missing her nieces and nephew so much that she’d rather drive to Lanford.
She pulled herself from the sofa and went to the door. She wasn’t at all surprised to see Melissa standing there. She was holding a pizza and a six-pack of beer.
“Come on in,” Carly said with a little laugh.
Melissa was bundled up in her winter gear. Her long, blond hair was mostly tucked under her hat. She handed the pizza and beer to Carly so she could peel everything off. “I figured you might need some cheering up,” she said.
“Thanks, Mel,” Carly told her as she moved into the kitchen. She grabbed two plates out of the cupboard and then they moved on into the living room. Carly set the food
down and flipped open the box. Now that pizza was in front of her, she realized she was hungry.
“So,” Melissa said as she plopped herself onto the cushion beside Carly. “That was the notorious Jesse Nyland? Now I can see why you’re taking your break-up with Nolan so well. I have to admit, when you were gone and I talked to you on the phone, I thought you were putting on an act. But seeing you last night?”
A small smile quirked the corner of Carly’s lip up. She found the raised-eyebrow look on Mel’s face amusing.
Without waiting for Carly to respond, Melissa gushed on. “Now, Jesse? He looks like a hard guy to get over.”
Carly couldn’t help but laugh at that. She couldn’t disagree. She’d spent eight years trying. It hadn’t worked out so well for her. She handed a plate of pizza to her friend.
“I do have a question though,” Melissa said with a grin. She leaned toward Carly, ignoring the plate she settled onto her lap. “Last night? He called you Cricket a few times. I’m dying to know why. What the heck is that about?”
Carly shrugged. “It’s a long, kind of silly story.”
“So you better get started. Tell it,” Melissa commanded.
With a smile, Carly recalled how during her senior year of high school, she’d crashed a frat party because she knew Jesse would be there. One of his frat brothers had been hitting on her. At the time, the frat boys had been calling any young, innocent girls ‘grasshoppers’. Jesse, in his drunken state, had tossed the guy off of Carly.
“He said, ‘Hands off. This cricket is mine’.” Carly rolled her eyes but she was grinning. “Obviously he meant grasshopper. I teased him about it. He teased me back by continuing to call me Cricket. It’s stuck.”
“What’s wrong?” Melissa asked.
Carly hadn’t realized her thoughts had been wandering until Melissa asked the question. The smile had fallen from her face and was now a deep frown. She put her hands up to cover her cheeks as a wave of embarrassment flooded over her.
