by Jennie Adams
Lally licked the taste of salt from her lips and laughed, and a little silence fell as they paid attention to their food. It wasn’t a bad silence but rather a comfortable one. Lally soaked it up with all her heart, studied each nuance of expression as it crossed his face and refused to think about any moment but right now.
The end of their meal coincided with the people at the table beside theirs receiving their desserts. Lally cast one longing glance in that di rec tion before she shook her head.
Her boss gestured to the menu. ‘We can take a selection of desserts home for later, if you’d like?’
It was a small thing, but that thoughtfulness made Lally feel treasured. Or was it the soft expression in his eyes as he waited for her response? Oh, why couldn’t they?
‘I’m tempted, but I don’t think I’ll be able to eat a thing until tomorrow.’ She pushed the thoughts away. ‘Thanks for the offer, though.’
Cam settled their bill and minutes later they stepped out onto the busy street and strolled back towards his parked car.
He turned to her as they reached it. ‘Thank you for doing that with me tonight.’
‘Thank you for asking me to come along.’ Lally sought for something light to say. ‘Maybe you’ll be able to use that in your book somehow too.’
Her boss thought for a moment. ‘There are possibilities: the scent of fries leads my super sleuth to his answers…’
They were still laughing about it when Cam unlocked the car. Lally stepped towards the kerb and glanced up as a woman’s voice penetrated her thoughts.
‘We’ll go to look at the sports store, Danny. We just don’t want to walk that far. Going in the car will be best.’
A man’s voice joined in. ‘I’ll buy us all an ice cream after the sports store, so don’t hassle your mum, okay?’
‘Sorry, Mum.’ A teenaged voice went on with a hint of cheeky cheerfulness, ‘You know I love ya, even when I whinge.’
General laughter followed this comment.
Lally knew that female voice. It wasn’t one she would ever be able to forget. Memories and guilt, so many things, hit her at once; at the depths of them was remorse. She didn’t want to look, but she had to see. Her head turned, and her gaze shifted over the small group of people preparing to get into the car behind Cam’s convertible.
The man looked about forty. There were three boys ranging in age; Lally didn’t know the exact ages, but the youngest had been under two years old back then. They all looked a lot like Sam; Lally noted that as she searched their young faces, searched all over each of them for signs.
And the woman was Julie Delahunty. Here. Right now. With all three of her sons. The group looked like a family, comfortable with each other. Happy.
In that moment, Julie looked up, recognised Lally, and her mouth pinched into a tight line while her face leached of every bit of colour. Her hands reached for the boys nearest to her, as though she needed to physically stop them from being taken from her side.
I am so sorry.
The thoughts were trapped inside Lally’s mind, trapped deep in her heart. She’d written them to Julie long ago; her counsellor had helped her to get them sent to Julie at the care residence. There’d never been a reply; Lally hadn’t expected one. But something in the expression on Julie’s face now told her she’d received and read the words. So at least she did know of Lally’s regret.
It doesn’t change anything, Lally!
And it didn’t.
Lally’s hand rose, palm up, in a silent expression of supplication. Her mouth worked, though no words came out. Guilt and remorse ached in her heart.
Cam’s voice impinged. ‘Lally? Sweetheart? What is it?’
She felt the touch of his hand on her arm, his fingers closing around her wrist in a gentle clasp as his body turned to hers, as though he would shield her from whatever harm was trying to befall her.
In all that had happened between Lally and Cam, she’d managed to push this part of her history mostly away. She hadn’t let herself look at this, admit this, acknowledge how it stood between her and certain possibilities in life. Happiness; she didn’t deserve happiness. Lally didn’t see how that could ever change.
The woman hustled her sons into the car. The man spoke to her in a low voice, glanced in Lally’s di rec tion, and his mouth tightened too.
Lally wanted to turn, hide her face in Cam’s chest and just will it all away. Shame stopped that thought before it fully formed. Lally had longed to be able to love Cam and have him love her back—oh, she admitted this—but how could she ever have hoped for that?
If Cam knew.
The family drove off into traffic. At least they were gone. There were other impressions from these moments trying to register, but Lally couldn’t see past Julie’s stricken face, her hands reaching for her sons.
Lally let Cam put her into the passenger seat and they too headed into traffic in the other di rec tion, heading for…
Not home. Heading for Cam’s property development.
‘Who were they, Lally?’ Cam’s words were stern in a way she’d never heard from him before. ‘It’s clear that seeing those people has hugely upset you. I want—I need to know why. If you’re in trouble, I’ll help you, protect you.’
‘Her name is Julie Delahunty.’ Lally did not want to speak of this, but she couldn’t leave Cam worrying for her sake.
She would tell him the same part of this that she had told her family. Lally’s voice was a flat monotone as she said, ‘I had an affair with her husband six years ago. Julie’s three sons were smaller then, still very dependent on their parents, obviously.’
Dependent. ‘When Julie found out about the affair and became…unwell over it, Sam, he walked away. He didn’t care about her or his sons.’ Sam hadn’t cared about Lally, either, but that paled in comparison. Lally clamped her lips together. She’d already said more than she had wanted to.
She’d put the words to Cam more revealingly than the cold, minimal facts she had told her family six years ago.
Cam’s hands remained relaxed on the steering wheel and his gaze was clear and steady as he cast a quick glance her way before turning his attention back to the road.
Lally saw his compassion, but he took care not to show pity or judgement.
He asked quietly, ‘And the gentlemen with her just now wasn’t her husband?’
‘No. I don’t know who he was.’ Lally dredged her mind for a way to end this conversation. ‘Please, Cam.’
What did he think of her, now that he knew she’d had an affair?
It didn’t matter to Lally. There was no hope for her with him. This had just underlined that fact for her. The rest was irrelevant.
‘I love my family.’ The words were jerky; they exposed her, came out as long-buried guilt and pain forced their way past her control and reserve. Past six years of silence. ‘I’ve been trying—’
‘Ever since to make it up to them?’
Somehow they were inside the apartment, and with the door closed behind them Cam threw his car keys onto the entry table and led her to sit on the sofa in the living room. He clasped her hand in his. Lally didn’t deserve his comfort but they were here and he wasn’t letting go.
She wanted to run, but a part of her wanted to confess things she’d not confessed, except to that counsellor who hadn’t been able to accept, or judge, or punish, or forgive, who had only been able to acknowledge and try to guide Lally so she could fix this for herself.
Fix a guilt and heartbreak that was unfixable. So Lally had buried it deep, and, yes, she had hidden out in her family. She had needed to feel safe.
‘Won’t you tell me? Maybe I can help somehow.’ Cam looked into Lally’s beautiful brown eyes, and thoughts and emotions he’d stifled in the days since he’d made love to her bubbled to the surface inside him. ‘You’ve done so much to try to help me.’
This beautiful girl had been punishing herself for so long. That was so clear now. He had half known, had half gues
sed that already from her silent determination not to get involved with him. He’d guessed it was because of a man somehow, but he hadn’t guessed all this guilt.
She’d punished herself by wearing dull coloured clothes. She’d sown herself into serving her family and hadn’t wanted to step outside of working among them. Lally had hidden herself because of guilt.
Within her family, she had maybe even tried to work off what she perceived as her sin by giving, giving and giving to them. Was Lally seeing her past in a genuine light? Or was it coloured, mis-coloured, by a young girl’s memories and guilt that had never been resolved?
‘How old are you now, Lally?’ He asked the question in a calm tone while his fingers stroked over the back of her hand.
She’d relaxed that hand into his clasp, though he wasn’t sure if she realised she had done that, trusting him with that much of herself. Cam wanted to help her, but he also wanted her to trust him with so much more. The thought drew his eyebrows together but he didn’t get a chance to examine it before Lally answered his question.
‘I’m twenty-four.’ Her brown eyes shimmered with regrets and hurt. ‘It was in my CV.’
‘Yes. So you’re twenty-four now.’ Cam pressed on, ‘That means you were eighteen when you were seeing that woman’s husband—Julie, was it? And how old was he?’
‘He was ten years older.’ Lally bit her lip. ‘I knew it wasn’t a good idea to see someone that much older.’
A part of Cam wanted to go and find the other man and make him take responsibility for hurting the young girl Lally must have been then. He bit back that impulse and went on, ‘Did you know he was married?’
Brown eyes met his gaze. ‘No. I didn’t know he was married.’ She bit her lip.
And Cam said softly, ‘What happened?’
She drew a deep breath and the words slowly came out. ‘He swept me off my feet. He flattered me, said he loved the way I dressed in my bright colours, loved my vibrancy. Sometimes, when I’ve thought about it…’ She stopped and swallowed hard, shook her head.
‘You were very young, and you were preyed on by a man who must have known better.’
That’s not your fault, Lally. Let yourself accept these facts and find the forgiveness you’ve been dodging all this time.
Lally’s fingers gripped his as she went on. ‘My family said it wasn’t my fault. But they didn’t know—I talked to a counsellor after it happened. I didn’t need to say more to the family. It wasn’t necessary.’ Lally fell abruptly silent.
‘It wasn’t your fault, Lally.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘I’m guessing you’ve blamed yourself, perhaps, for his marriage breaking down?’ It wasn’t hard to work that out. ‘You shouldn’t. It was his behaviour that caused the breakdown of his marriage.’
‘You don’t understand.’ Lally shook her head. Her tone became tortured. ‘When she found out, his wife had a break down. Sam just walked away from all of it. Julie got put into a care facility and her sons were placed into foster care.’
She drew a shaky breath. ‘I couldn’t help. I broke up an entire family, harmed innocent children, made Julie so unhappy that she lost her grip on…’
And there it was; all of Lally’s guilt was finally out there. Cam felt absolutely ferocious in that moment, ferocious in his need to protect her, to reverse time, to take this pain away for her. He needed to heal her as she had tried so hard to help him heal his insomnia, and help him in so many other ways.
Tenderness welled up with that protectiveness, soft emotions he couldn’t name but had to act on.
‘She was with her sons today,’ he said carefully. ‘That looked like a permanent arrangement. They looked like well-adjusted, typical boys for their ages, and she looked happy in her role as their mother, with a man who appeared to be her current partner.’
‘Yes.’ Lally frowned. ‘She looked well and happy…at least, until she noticed me.’
‘You can’t change the past.’ Cam said it in acknowledgement. ‘But you’re not to blame for it, Lally. So be glad that you saw her today, that you know she is well now and has her children with her. Let it go now so you can move on with your life.’
Lally searched Cam’s eyes and couldn’t believe that she had told him all of this. She felt lighter, somehow. Not suddenly all better, but Cam had accepted it. He hadn’t judged her. ‘How can you not think badly of me?’ That was what Lally couldn’t understand. She was happy that Julie’s life seemed better now, but that still didn’t change the past.
And, whatever Cam thought about this, it didn’t change the fact that he didn’t love her. He was kind, thoughtful, accepting. But he didn’t love her. So what had changed, really?
‘I need to get an early night.’ Lally hit the end of her ability to cope, to think. To do anything. She just needed to get away. ‘Thank—thank you for tonight, for the meal and for…this. But will you excuse me?’
Somehow she was on her feet and her hand was back in her possession, and Lally didn’t wait to see what would happen after that. There was nothing that could happen. Because she and Cam didn’t exist. They just didn’t, and that was that.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
‘THANK you again for meeting me here. I realise I’m stepping over a line, but I hope you can understand why. You need to talk to your daughter, help her get this out so she can stop punishing herself.’ Cameron’s voice came to Lally clearly as she stepped around a corner stall at the market.
Two days had passed since they’d come across Sam’s ex-wife and her new family, since Lally had admitted her guilt to Cam. She’d been silent, with drawn, thinking about his words. But what difference did it make in the end?
‘I should have guessed there might be more to this.’ Mum’s voice choked up. ‘I feel just awful. We all thought Lally just needed a little push to get her to trust in life again, so we pretended no one needed her help right now.’ Mum drew a sharp breath. ‘All we did was take away the sense of safety that she needed. When that affair happened, we wished we’d understood things sooner so we could have protected her from Sam Delahunty. We all felt we’d let her down. We didn’t know about…the rest.’
Shock drove Lally forward. She stepped into their path. There was Cam, and there was Mum; Mum saw her and handed a bag of something to Cam. Lally was in Mum’s arms, throttling back emotion because she didn’t want to cry in front of him.
‘Oh, Lally, I’m so sorry.’ Mum’s touch went straight into Lally’s heart to wrap around a part of her that she hadn’t realised was so broken. It didn’t matter then that Cam appeared to have sought Mum out, or that they’d been discussing personal things about her.
Lally buried her face in Mum’s neck and breathed in deep, and they stayed like that for a long minute.
Finally Mum stepped back and held her at arm’s length so she could look deep into her eyes, brown eyes to brown eyes, filled with so much love. ‘I should have talked to you about it more, Lally. I didn’t realise…’
‘I shouldn’t have held onto the guilt the way I did.’ Lally finally accepted that now. She hadn’t meant any of Julie’s hurt or the hurt of her sons. She had been tricked and she had made mistakes, but she hadn’t done anything out of malice, lack of care or anything else like that. She could never have guessed what would happen.
‘I can’t regret that I spoke about this, Lally.’ Cam’s words were low and careful. ‘I thought your mother needed to know.’
And she did. Lally’s gaze shifted from Mum’s face to Cam’s, where he stood silently beside them.
Cam gripped the bag Mum had given him in tight fingers and used his other hand to rub at the back of his neck. ‘Me meeting your Mum this morning—I got her phone number out of the book. She brought painting materials. One of your aunts is being pushy about you painting again, apparently.’
He shook his head. ‘What am I talking about? That can wait.’ Cam seemed at a loss as to how to go on.
Lally’s heart melted all over the place because, whatever else there was,
his care was so clear.
Lally looked deep into Cam’s eyes and he looked just as deeply back. How did she respond to his kindness, to this thing he had done for her sake? How did she deal with all the feelings and emotions whirling about inside her right now? Feelings about Sam, Julie and the three boys, yes—but even more deeply about Cameron. Somehow, it was a big tangle. Lally had to figure out how to unravel it, if she could, or perhaps how to weave it together within herself. To weave her past in, and let it be part of her, but the right kind of part.
That wouldn’t make a dif fer ence with Cameron; of course it couldn’t. He didn’t love her the way she loved him. He was wonderful and special, but she mustn’t kid herself that his kindness meant he had very special feelings towards her.
But if she could convince him that he could commit? That his insomnia didn’t need to get in the way of a relationship for him? That his past failure in a relationship didn’t have to mean his next attempt would fail, that he, too, could address his past? That it was okay to acknowledge that his mother hadn’t cared well for him and he wasn’t obliged to feel close to her? If only Lally could help Cam see all his value purely for who he was. What was she thinking? None of it made any dif fer ence to her limitations.
‘Lally, darling.’ Mum touched her arm gently and released her. ‘We do need to talk, but I’m guessing maybe that needs to wait a little.’ Though she didn’t glance in Cam’s di rec tion, Mum’s eyes were full of far too much understanding, Love and understanding, that had always been there.
Mum started to turn away, and Lally uttered, ‘We will talk, Mum. I’d like that. And I want to be taught painting.’
‘I’m so glad, Lally. It’s your tradition. It will be good for you to try it. I love you, Lally.’ Emotion filled Mum’s face. She gave a nod and a wobbly smile and disappeared, and Lally turned back to Cam. There were a thousand things she wanted to say; Lally couldn’t find the words for any of them, and she said lamely, ‘I saw your note that said you’d come to the market and would take care of the shopping.’
