by Ker Dukey
It’s then that they pass me. It’s then that I look down at the poor girl on her way into heaven or hell. It’s then that my life finally ends. Because it’s then that I realise it’s Blue who is leaving this sick and twisted world before me.
Am I still out of it? Is this all a dream?
I run after them, my legs almost failing me, Blue’s blood leading me to her. “Blue?” I croak out. This can’t be right, why is she here, how is this possible? Did I die and this is hell? Did I not wake up after the drugs swallowed me into their world?
“Move out my fucking way,” Some guy pushes past me and I grab onto his arm to make sure he’s real and this is not me still tripping out. He tries to push me from him but my grip is too strong.
“Is that really Blue? Martha?” I choke out and his brow furrows.
“Jenson?” I hear barked. I turn to see her Dad Liam coming towards me, worry lines marring his forehead and that’s when I realise this isn’t a dream, that really was my Blue, bleeding out again. She can’t die. Was this fate sending me a message?
I’m going to pass out. The air leaves me and my surroundings close in on me. Large hands grip on to me before I can hit the floor.
Chapter Nine
Reality
Jenson
“You need to let us monitor you,” A heavyset nurse huffs at me as she tries to put a blood pressure cuff around my arm. Whoever helped me deposited me on a gurney and left with Blue’s Dad. I need to get to Blue, “Cade!” I call out in a manic shout.
“You need to calm down Sir, I will sedate you.”
Like fuck she will. “Cade,” I call and get no answer for a few silent beats and then the curtain draws back and Faye stares at me.
“Oh God Jenson, I could hear you from the waiting area, Cade left to try and find you, what’s going on?”
“It’s Blue, I need you to tell this nurse to get off me now.”
The nurse is standing open-mouthed staring at Faye, she clearly didn’t recognize me and I’m not surprised, I don’t even recognize my own image in the mirror but Faye is as stunning as she always was and getting recognized for her was normal. “Please just give us a minute?” Faye asks. The nurse tells her of course and leaves with a hurry.
I rip the cuff of my arm and jump down from the bed. Faye opens a bag she’s holding and pulls clothes out and hands them to me, I could kiss her if I wasn’t slowly sinking into a black abyss every second I didn’t know what was happening with Blue. “I brought some of Cade’s, but I have Kimberly bringing some things from your dressing room.”
“No these are fine, thank you.”
“What were you saying about Blue, Jens?”
“She’s here, they just brought her in.”
Her little gasp and then sceptical look makes me question my reality again but the hole growing in my chest is telling me I didn’t imagine it. My woman, whether she wanted to be it or not, was here and she was leaving me again, leaving me for good.
****
“How much fucking longer?”
“Jen, calm down. The doctors said they would tell us when they have anything to tell us.” Cade grabs my upper arms to stop me pacing, his hold tight but I don’t feel it. I’m too numb. Faye went outside to call him and he was back here within seconds, commanding everyone to leave me the fuck alone and making sure the Doctors included me in the information they were sharing about Blue’s condition, but the last piece of news we got was ages ago and gave us no real information.
My knee wouldn’t stop bouncing up and down, sweat from withdrawals and the aches accompanying them was making me feel nauseous.
“I should have seen it,” Greg or whatever his name is again, mumbles. He was the guy I grabbed hold of in the corridor, he was pacing and running his hands through his hair, his worry genuine and showing signs of real affection for Blue. I wanted to know who he was to her but I couldn’t control my emotions and actions in this fragile state. If he told me something I wouldn’t want to hear I don’t know if I’d punch him or burst into tears like a little bitch.
“I should have seen it coming,” he blurts.
“We all should have seen it,” Slicer, Blue’s dad hisses. I felt his guilt as my own. Although I hadn’t seen her for so long I knew my actions played a part in her destruction.
“It’s been too fucking long. What the hell are they doing, having coffee? Doing the fucking crossword?”
Cade shakes his head sadly and slumps onto the sofa. My pain is his; it’s how it’s always been. Sitting beside him, I nudge him with my knee. He turns to me, the black lines under his eyes now visible that my eyes are actually focussing on life. “I didn’t mean what I said.” He frowns, confused. “About you and Faye being to blame.”
He smiles and shakes his head. “I know.”
I didn’t deserve him. Friends are there for one another, yeah, but Cade, he wasn’t just there for me, he was with me. I return his smile weakly and nod my head, thanking him without words for… well he knows what for. He was my brother, blood or no blood, he would stand by me and me him through everything.
The door opens and we all stand like fucking soldiers on the Queens entry. “May I speak openly?” The doc asks Slicer, his gaze travelling around the room as he asks for consent to speak in front of us all. Slicer gulps but nods.
“We’ve managed to stop the blood. Martha has had a transfusion and her body is already responding to that treatment.”
“Oh thank God,” Slicer whispers, his eyes closing for a moment in relief.
“However,” the doc continues. “Currently, we are more concerned with your daughter’s state of mind. It is obvious this was a cry for help and there is evidence of… of self harm.”
“What?” All eyes move to me when I step forward, my heart clamping tight at the thought of what Blue had gone through. Cade grabs my arm. I allow it this time. “What do you mean she’s been self harming?”
The doc looks at slicer who nods, giving his go ahead for him to talk to me. “By the looks of the scars on her body, along with some wounds from her attack, there is frequent cut marks consistent with someone who self harms.”
“Fuck!”
He turns back to Slicer. “As her next of kin, I need your permission to section her. She won’t allow it, they never do, but Martha needs help Mr Grant.”
“She’s okay, Jen,” Cade whispers in my ear as he looks at me, his dark eyes appealing to me. “She’s going to be okay.”
I need her to be okay but she hasn’t been, she’s been in emotional pain, pretending to everyone that she’s strong enough to cope with what happened to her but no one could. They fucking destroyed her over and over and that taints the soul, how could we just expect her to get over it. She was hurting herself, my soul was weeping for her. I need to help her heal and to do that I need to help myself. I was also self-harming in a manner of speaking, escaping the pain through medicating myself on narcotics. I was still just as broken up over everything that happened and never really processed it all.
I nod then pull him over to the edge of the room as the doc and Slicer make arrangement for Blue’s admission.
Cade looks at me, his expression full of worry when he senses my despair. “I need help, Cade. I need you to do me a favor.”
Chapter Ten
CLEAN
Jenson
3 MONTHS LATER
I embrace Abby in a quick hug and she pushes at my shoulder and swipes a stray tear.
“I’ll look out for you on the radio.” She laughs.
“I’ll be sending you concert tickets and you can come visit me some time yeah?” I kick at her shoe and she tries to smile through her sorrow for seeing me leave.
Abby was a teen starlet turned adult drug dependent mess. She was here for her sixth stay and we struck up a connection when she brought me some of her bottled water, warning me not to drink from the faucets in this place. We quickly became friends and I had kind of took up the big brother role with her in here.
/> The Brent Manor was a private and off the map ‘resort’ for the rich and famous fuck ups. The rooms were comfortable but this place was no joke, they locked you inside the compound for the entire length of your stay voluntary or not. Once you gave them that power you become theirs to fix and get clean, and for the ones who wanted to get better and heal it worked like for me but for admitted patients like Abby, it was a revolving door. This is what I needed, I desired to know how to cope with life with out living it on a high. Blue needed a man who was strong enough to deal with his own demons so he could help her battle her own. It was so fucking tough walking away from that hospital knowing she was so close I could touch her, smell her. She needed more than me though and as hard as that is to accept, it was truth.
The counseling in here really helped me, there is no judgment, no pressure and I was able to be just Jenson the man rather than Jenson lead singer of Beneath Innocence and I was hoping she was getting the same from her therapy sessions. They taught me coping mechanisms for when the nightmares slipped into my waking hours. The first few weeks were agony and I questioned my own willpower hourly but I made it through. My skin was back to a healthy color and I didn’t feel constantly nauseous. You tend to eat more in a place like this to escape boredom so I had put on a few healthy pounds, filling my face back out so I didn’t look gaunt. TV’s and cells weren’t permitted, so you are literally isolated to deal with your problems. I wasn’t even allowed visitors for the first thirty days. All my band members, Cade and Faye were waiting for me on the first day of visitation and I nearly fucking cried when I saw the love they had for me. We were a family and I had let them down but I was fixing that now and they were proud of me and like a real family should, they forgave me and loved me despite what a dick I’d been. I asked Kimberly to visit me and apologised to her for how I treated her and told her how amazing she was, and that the right man for her would never have dragged her down with him like I did. She cried and told me she always knew I didn’t love her because I made that clear what we were and would ever be before ever starting up something with her. It was nice to clear the air and like with everything she was cool and hugged me, telling me she had no regrets and wishes the best for me.
The doors open to the foyer, gaining my attention. Cade in all his glorious splendour strides in with a big ass grin on his face. I can’t help but reflect it. Ninety days I’d been shut inside these gates. He grabs me, pinning me to his chest and smacking me on the back before releasing me and grabbing my bag from my hands.
“Proud of you man, and so looking forward to getting you out of here and back home where you belong. Kenny is trying to make me stand in for your ass as a guest host on some TV show you had scheduled and once Faye heard about it she has been on my case telling me how amazing it will be, and you know I hate telling her no, but Jens this is your thing not mine.”
I laugh and follow my best friend out the doors and back into the open world.
Chapter Eleven
Making plans
Jenson
Kimberly smiles at me then pulls me in for a hug. “I’m glad the tour is back on and you still want us to open for you guys.”
I nod, wrapping my arms around her. “Of course you know I love your group, and we’re still friends right?”
She tuts, shaking her head at me as she pulls away. “Yes, of course. We both learned a lot and it all worked out for the best.” She shyly smiles looking over at Drake.
“I wish you both luck sweetheart.”
She smiles widely. “Thanks so much Jens that means a lot to us.”
I watch as she walks over to Drake, taking his hand. I was pleased for them. Kimberly was a good girl getting swallowed up in a drowning man, well she must be a good girl to put up with my shit, so I knew she would be good for Drake and she’d be one of the rare chicks that would be able to cope with our lives because it was her life too. Drake was crazy about her and if anything he would be the one to have to cope with her fame growing but they appeared confident in their newfound romance.
“Who’d have thought,” I whisper to Cade as we both watch them disappear. “Drake and Kimberly.” I gesture towards them.
He shrugs, “I dunno, she seems good for him and he’s had a thing for her for ages according to Kenny.”
“That’s true,” I say but don’t divulge that fact Drake joined our sex session that time in the dressing room.
“So are you done here?” He asks. I grab my jacket and slip it on, “Yeah Evan’s sorting out the full schedule the meeting is over now.”
“Good because I’m fucking starving, Faye is wearing my cock and me out with trying to get a baby inside her.” He shakes his head and then grins over at me, the lucky bastard.
“What a hardship for you.” I mock and he sighs, yeah he fucking knew how lucky he was.
It was still hard to believe how far those two had come. He was smitten with that woman and just as desperate to knock her up as she was.
“Did you hear from Slicer?”
“I did, she gets released next week.” I tell him and fidget with a piece of thread on my jeans. Blue was admitted into a psychiatric facility where she could get the help for her self harming and finally deal with everything that happened by the hands of those animals who stole so much from her. Her dad was keeping me updated on her progress and wellbeing but and as much as I craved to go see her I wasn’t allowed and I was so fucking nervous that she would still reject my love. I had to get this right, there was no allowing her to run from me anymore. I would open up and lay it all out there for her and if she rejected me because she truly just didn’t feel that way about me then I would accept it and move on with my life knowing I gave it all for the chance of her loving me, it would fucking painful and hard but I was a grown man and needed to act that way. I would never feel about anyone else how intensely I feel for her and whether she wanted it or not, she would always own my soul but there is only so much rejection a man can take before he has to accept it for what it is. God just the thought of her not actually having feelings for me makes my insides churn; I was doubting everything I thought I’d felt from her in the times we were together. I couldn’t lose hope now, whatever happens I need her to hear me out.
Chapter Twelve
Resurrect
Blue
One month after that
“You look good,” Christine smiles. “And it’s good to have you back.”
“I agree,” Mary nods, her soft gaze on me warm and happy.
My friends had brought me out for lunch. I’d cut all ties after the attack, refusing to see anyone, and as my friends they had accepted that but refused to sever me totally from their lives. They’d sat back and waited until I was once more ready to have them in my life.
“Did the therapy help at all? How was it?” Mary scowls at Christine, reprimanding her for being so blunt but she shrugs and turns back to me expectantly.
Settling back in my chair, I take a sip of wine and sigh. “Hard, you know. For someone to actually tell you that your life is shit, that you’re shit, it kind of makes you sit up and take notice.” They both blink sadly but nod. “It took a long time for me to face up to things, and they just taught me to do that without the pressure. Don’t get me wrong,” I say quietly, as if talking to myself. “It’s hard, the craving, the urge to spill blood is still there but they showed me ways to get past that, to concentrate on other things, do other things.”
“I bet sex will help,” Mary laughs when Chris slaps her arm. But I nod and chuckle.
“Yeah, maybe but one I haven’t tried yet.”
They both look at me as if I’ve told them I had my vagina filled in and a cock moulded instead. “What? The great Martha is off sex?”
Shaking my head at their honesty, something I could always count on them for, I shrug. “Sex was another way for me to escape the incessant noise in my head. It was an appeal for someone to make me feel good about myself before the attack and then after I just wanted back co
ntrol over that part of me.” I shrug.
Mary tips her head, regarding me sadly. “And did it help?”
No.” I shake my head slowly, my heart clenching with the thoughts now cramming my head. “There was only one man who could do that.”
“And?” Chris probes, leaning forward in her chair slightly.
“I…” The clinic had taught me to face up to things, but it was hard. My own failures and faults were hard to admit. “I hurt him. I used him. I toyed with him and I turned my back on him, all because he could give me something I needed.”
“Why?” Mary asks, confused by my openness.
“Because… because I was scared. Scared what if he gave me everything I needed and then took it all away? And then after the attack I was afraid to admit the extent of what happened and what we lost because of it and what if I still wasn’t okay, what if I was still this same girl that needed to hurt to heal. What then? Keeping him at bay kind of gave me that option to always fall back on, the final healing process so to speak.”
“But you’ll never know until you try, Martha. You can’t live on what ifs.”
“I know,” I nod and smile back. “And that was one of the reasons I didn’t fight them when they wanted to condemn me.”
Chris laughs and shakes her head. “They didn’t condemn you.”
“It felt like it,” I revealed sombrely. “At that time I felt like I had no other choice. I didn’t deserve Jenson if all I could give him was pain and the agony of my life.”
