“You didn’t trust her enough to stay in your house alone. That’s going to make her even more suspicious.”
He’d been afraid of that. “Do you think she’ll snoop through my things?”
Steve took another long gulp. “Depends.”
“On what?” Now he was irritated.
Steve’s brows rose. “Do you trust her?”
Griff didn’t exactly have an answer. Of course he trusted the woman he cared about. So why had he felt like she was going to betray his space? It didn’t make sense. She was all about helping people, and invading his house was not on track with her personality.
However, there’d been a few warning signs that stacked against her. For instance, she tended to get carried away. And when she got carried away, boundaries became a serious concern, meaning she didn’t have any then.
Maybe that was it. Maybe he just needed to talk to her about boundaries. He almost rolled his eyes just thinking about it. He could see that conversation going well. Something still nagged at him beyond commitment phobia. What was he so worried about her finding?
Then the answer came. His holiday pageant donation records. He didn’t want her to find them. Why? Because he worried she might be with him for the money? No. Hannah wasn’t that way. They hadn’t had a financial conversation yet, but she seemed to be stable on her own. She even demanded to pay for half their dates.
So what was it about her knowing the truth? It came to him like a blow to the gut. He didn’t want her to fall for him because of his charitable actions. That was why he kept the donations secret in the first place. He wasn’t going to be his mother. He wasn’t going to let his mother influence the way he did his giving. Her way was the wrong way.
At some point, he would have to tell Hannah. He couldn’t yet. He didn’t know how she felt about him, and he couldn’t lay out all his cards yet.
“I guess we’ll see,” Griff finally answered Steve’s question.
“That was a long pause,” Steve commented.
No shit. But Steve dropped the subject. It was something Griff was going to have to figure out on his own. Currently, he didn’t have any answers. He wasn’t ready to share the truth with Hannah, and that was that. No use exploring why. He was enjoying his time with her too much to go there. What if he didn’t like his answer in the end?
Chapter Six
Hannah lingered in the square, her mood completely opposite from the festive decorations. Decorations she’d put up with blood, sweat and tears.
Mrs. Petersen exited one of the stores with her hands overloaded with bags. Hannah took an instinctive step toward her, ready to offer to help. She’d been loitering here for twenty minutes, and she couldn’t figure out why.
Before Hannah made it to Mrs. Petersen, another person closer on the sidewalk reached out to help. The disappointment that welled inside Hannah was not equivalent to the situation. She felt like she’d been dealt a whole other level of a blow, and that was ridiculous.
Did she really hang around the square like Griff said and wait to help people? Why? Who did that? She sat down heavily on one of the benches. Oh God. It was Monday, wasn’t it? Who was she trying to impress? Really. Even as she asked herself the question, she knew the answer. Haughty Hannah always had to be the best. Even at helping.
But the truth at the core was she’d never been as strong as her sisters. She’d never dealt with the grief of their parents as well, even though she knew her sisters cared just as deeply for them. She’d never been secure in herself.
Was she really going to spend her life waiting around in a square in a vague attempt to feel useful? Did she really need that reassurance? All at once it hit her. She was trying too hard. At life. At love. Her thoughts drifted back to Griff.
He didn’t trust her. She wasn’t exaggerating about that. She’d been swept away, like always, and she hadn’t stopped to consider if she was alone on the wave.
If she had any sense of self-preservation, she’d take a step back. Did she really need more loss in her life? No. She didn’t need to love another person who would only leave her.
* * *
Griff wandered through town, well aware he’d done a lot more wandering around town since he’d hooked up with Hannah. His harder edge argued he wasn’t looking for her, but at this point, he was pretty sure he wasn’t fooling anyone, especially himself.
They hadn’t spoken since he’d left her alone in his house. She hadn’t called, and he hadn’t called her either. He was pretty sure she was mad, or even worse, hurt. Again. The part of him that seemed to be begging for an argument also wanted to know if she’d been through his stuff. He didn’t like invasions of his privacy.
It wasn’t as if he had a lot to hide, but well, he did have a few things better left alone. Things he kept private for a reason. What if she’d discovered something about him she didn’t like?
It wasn’t like Hannah to ignore people. He’d never seen her ignore another soul. Only him. Maybe he should consider himself special.
He found himself in his usual Wednesday location. Hannah was still doing her after-school program, even with the break. He waited by the gate as the kids fled down the pathway. Hannah waited at the doorway and waved goodbye to them. He knew the instant she saw him because her whole body stiffened. He wasn’t sure if anyone’s reaction to him had ever stung so much.
Pain sliced through him. His whole body felt colder with the reserved expression on her face. This wasn’t how he’d wanted things to go between them. She was cutting him out like the parts of her life she’d never shared with him.
They stood there at opposite ends of the path for longer than was comfortable. Griff couldn’t decide if he should make the first move or wait for her lead. She’d seemed to be leading them, but maybe it was his time to step up.
Deciding he couldn’t handle any more awkwardness, he closed the distance between them. When he was close enough to smell her fresh scent, he faltered. “You never called.” Not the opening he’d planned on, but it was what fled his lips.
“You never called either.”
She was right. This was never going to be comfortable with them on opposite sides of the school doorway. “Do you want to go for a walk?”
He might have held his breath. She didn’t answer for a long time. He should know what he’d done wrong, but he was only half-sure.
“I have some things to finish up to prepare for when the kids are back fulltime.”
“I’ll wait.”
She frowned harder than he’d ever seen before. “I guess you can wait.”
He wasn’t sure how to take that, but he was much more concerned. She was really mad. He’d only been expecting kind of mad.
Following her into the classroom, he decided on one of the small desks because it was the only option. He didn’t fit and one side dug into his stomach. This was ridiculous.
She didn’t seem to process that. She sat primly behind her desk and worked. Or at least, pretended to work. How could she actually accomplish anything when there was so much unsaid between them?
“You’ve made your point. Can we go on a walk now?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Look at me in this desk.”
She ignored him.
“Seriously, Hannah. Look at me.” He held out his hands.
She glanced up, and her lips quirked. She didn’t want to be smiling. That was obvious. But she was. Maybe they still had a chance.
“Come for a walk with me.”
“Fine.” She stood, putting her purse stoically over her shoulder. It felt like she was using the purse as a shield, but he didn’t bring that up. They had enough to deal with.
The crisp air blew in his face as they made their way down the sidewalk. He finally couldn’t take it anymore. “Tell me what I did wrong.”
She glanced up at him under long lashes. “You don’t know?”
“Hannah.” He really needed her to understand this about him. �
��I’m a guy. You need to be blunt about these things.”
Her lips pursed. “You never called. If you’d wanted to make it better, you could have called before now.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Fine. Maybe I was mad too.”
“You were mad?”
She was so surprised. “Sure. A guy can get mad. I’ve been wondering if you went through my stuff.”
Her mouth dropped open. “I can’t believe you’re asking me if I went through your stuff.”
“I didn’t ask exactly.”
“But you want to ask. Don’t deny it.”
Well, they weren’t going to settle anything with lies between them. “Fine. I want to know.”
“I can’t believe you’re asking me if I went through your stuff,” she repeated.
He sighed. How did he share this piece of himself without getting sappy? “It bothered me, okay? Thinking you’d break my trust by doing that.” Yeah. That was sappy.
She was silent for a long time. “I’m sorry.” Her apology blindsided him. He’d been pretty sure he was losing this argument. “I didn’t go through your things.”
He exhaled a breath. “Thanks for that.”
“I almost did.” She bit her lower lip. “My sister talked me out of it. When you wouldn’t let me stay, I knew you were hiding something.”
“Of course I’m hiding something. You can’t know all of me in a few weeks.”
“I guess. But I wanted to.” She peeked up at him again.
That confession grounded him in ways few other words would have. “You could have just told me you wanted to get to know me. I won’t lie to your face.”
“There are some things you aren’t ready to share. I should get that.”
“I know you have things in the past we haven’t talked about either. Doesn’t mean we don’t want to share them, we just need time.”
“Time.”
“That’s why people call it getting to know each other. You aren’t going to learn much by searching a room, but you might by the way someone reveals something about themselves.”
“That sounds kind of smart.”
“Only kind of?” He was pretty sure he’d nailed that one. For once.
The tension fled Hannah’s body, and he immediately relaxed a little. Things were evening out between them.
She looped her arm with his, further bridging the gap. “I really am sorry.”
He was better for the contact. “I’m sorry too. We just need no lies. We’ll learn all we need to know at our own pace.”
“Okay. I’m still scared.”
She surprised him again. “Why?”
“Because I care about you. Not talking to you has been really hard.”
“I wasn’t doing too well without you either.” He wouldn’t allow her to think she was struggling alone.
“I guess that makes me feel better. I don’t want to lose you. It’s scary.”
She was finally opening up about her grief. “I don’t want to lose you either. But I’d rather have you now for as long as I get you.”
She smiled. “Yeah, not having you kind of sucks.”
“We’ll figure this out. We’ll just mess it up along the way.”
“I’m okay with messy. Or at least, I’ll try to be.” When she looked at him that way, he felt he could do almost anything. She gave him a lot more than he was giving her. He’d have to change that.
“You don’t have to be perfect at messy. That’s the fun part of it.”
She scowled. “I caught myself doing that waiting around to help people thing in the square.”
He laughed at her tone. He couldn’t help it.
She swatted at his arm. “Shut up. I was mortified to discover it was a Monday, just like you said during our first disastrous date.”
“That should just tell you I’m always right.”
“Hmm. I’m pretty sure always being right isn’t conducive with our new plan.”
“Then we’ll both have to be wrong together.” It didn’t sound bad to him.
“We’ll be bad.” The light was back in her eyes. He’d really missed her light. He’d missed talking to her and being around her. If they could figure this out and not rush things, he thought they had a real chance. Even his reluctance to commit couldn’t stop them. Having her with him overpowered his doubt. Looking at her, he knew with a certainty that kind of terrified him.
Griff planned to keep her. Simple as that. Or perhaps complicated was the better phrase. Because Hannah was a complication and once he took her on, it would never be easy again. She was a woman who wouldn’t appreciate being called kept, but she’d be keeping him right back, hopefully. All the tougher parts of the relationship would be worth it. The way she smiled at him now was worth it. He just had to convince her of the same.
* * *
A few days later, things were looking up for Hannah. She’d accepted a few uncomfortable truths about herself. She wasn’t ready to make any serious changes at the moment, but she felt pretty confident she would get there.
She was terrified, but Griff had been right about a few things. She couldn’t live her life with the fear of losing him when she was already in too deep. Griff mattered to her and that wasn’t going to change whether she kept her distance or not. She tried not to feel annoyed by the way he’d made her love him. He probably hadn’t done it on purpose. She hadn’t even fantasized recently about her holiday donor.
Griff and she were in this thing now, and she wasn’t going to allow the past to change that. Even if she felt a little nauseous just thinking about it. Giving up her wishful illusions was a sign of sorts. She was over pretending with nice men she didn’t know.
She hummed to herself as she sat down on the couch, forcing herself to keep her mood up. Good things were happening. Her attention wandered to the phone. She wasn’t waiting for him to call. Exactly. Well, maybe she was. Maybe she should call him.
Janey strode into the room. “You’re humming.” She threw it out like an accusation.
“So?” Couldn’t a girl just hum in the privacy of her own living room?
“You must be in love with Griff.” Janey sighed.
“Of course I’m in love with him. I wouldn’t have slept with him if I didn’t love him. We’re freaking love at first sight and belong on a postcard.”
“Loving before sex isn’t your normal condition.”
“I knew this relationship would be different.”
“Please tell me you haven’t confessed your undying devotion already. It’s been a week.”
“Way longer than that. But no. I know better. I’ll probably give him another month to admit he can’t live without me. I’m practically already living with him.”
“You’re setting yourself up for heartbreak. A man like Griff doesn’t confess undying love.”
Janey didn’t know him. “He’s softer than people think.”
“He has secrets.”
“Lots of people do.”
“No, Hannah, I mean he has specific secrets,” Janey emphasized.
“They aren’t bad secrets,” Cate said, coming in to join the conversation. “Stop making her think they’re bad secrets.” Janey and Cate shared a look. Never good.
“What are you two talking about?” Hannah demanded.
Cate made a grand gesture. “Basically, the pageant donor guy you obsess over has to do with Griff.”
Shock pounded through her. What did Griff have to do with her anonymous holiday donor? And speaking of her anonymous pageant donor, she didn’t exactly obsess. It was just, how could you not fall a little in love with a man who donated to children?
Except, she had fallen in love with Griff, a man who wasn’t about community. He had other attributes that had drawn her in. That something more she’d sensed in him. And actually, she hadn’t caught herself daydreaming about donor guy since she’d fought with an inflatable Santa.
“What do you mean?” Hannah forced herself to ask a question because she re
alized she might have been staring into space.
“They’re the same person,” Janey said, her voice sounding flat. “Griff is your holiday donor.”
Hannah laughed. The idea was ridiculous. “What?”
Janey rolled her eyes. “I found out today at the bank when I went to deposit a check for Steve. You know teller Kevin is always hitting on me, and your Griff had just been in. I couldn’t help asking questions. And your donor name was on some of Griff’s paperwork.”
The mystery man she crushed on because of his generosity and Griff... could be the same person? It wasn’t possible. To think they could be one man. One perfect man.
Hurt intruded after shock. “Why wouldn’t he tell me?” Irrational betrayal slapped her. A feeling that didn’t feel entirely justified. But he hadn’t told her...
“Because he doesn’t want you to know?” Janey suggested.
More hurt crept in at that thought. They’d just talked about honesty. Why wouldn’t he tell her? No. Him not wanting her to know couldn’t be it. “Maybe he’s going to surprise me with it.” The more she thought about it, the more she liked the idea, whether that made her ridiculously naïve or not, it was better than hurt.
He knew what was important to her. He would know how much his giving meant to her. He would want to make it special. She might not have thought that about him before she’d known him, but now she knew he was secretly sweet.
“I don’t know.” Janey still sounded unsure. Annoyed and unsure.
“Of course that has to be it. We just had a big talk about honesty. He wants to make it a grand gesture or surprise to reveal that he’s been the very reason I’ve been able to do what I love during the holiday seasons. He knows how important it is to me. He suffered through the lighting ceremony for me.”
“He could want to surprise her,” Cate reasoned.
Janey still shook her head. “I don’t know. He doesn’t seem like the type.”
“He donates to children.” Hannah clung, perhaps a little desperately, to her rationalizations. “My big, buff, loner tree farmer donates to children in his spare time. We are completely meant for each other.” She’d known that part, but this discovery proved it beyond a doubt.
For My Own: A Contemporary Christmas Anthology Page 32
