“I’d be happy to give you a few tips on makeup,” Lady Sally said generously. “And there’s some of Mary’s old lingerie around the House that might fit you with only a little alteration. You’ll pick up sewing in no time. Why, you could end up a model prisoner…”
Tony sobbed.
The Professor gathered up the satchel of double-counterfeit money, I used my maternity skirt to wrap up the fifty thousand dollars of real money, Lady Sally patted Tony Donuts on the head, and we took our leave.
“Lady?” I said as we trudged across the sand, listening to the high keening wail of the scariest man I had ever known behind us.
“Yes, darling.”
“The Professor is going to have to know too.”
“Yes, I know, dear. And he’ll keep his mouth shut just as you will.”
“I certainly will,” he said firmly. “Whatever it is.”
“And you’re going to have to tell us why,” I insisted. “What you and Mike are really doing here.”
“Yes, it seems I must.” She sighed. “It’s not the first time, you know. A few other members of the House know.”
“Why would you blow a secret that big?”
She stared at me in astonishment. “There was no other way to save your lives, dear child.”
“But how could the lives of two Stone Age ancestors be worth risking whatever your mission is here?”
“For one thing there are practical considerations. Now that you know, I can use your help, both of you. I need all the help I can get, and I’m reluctant to recruit anyone I do not have to. Perhaps that is why I keep on having to.
“But that is mere serendipity. You know the real reason why I broke cover for you, Maureen.”
“I do?”
“I love you, darling. Both of you.”
I stopped walking and looked at her. My eyes filled with sudden tears, and I bit my lip. “Hell,” I said weakly, “I knew that.”
The Professor seemed to have an arm around me. “We love you too, Lady,” he said. “What is your secret, and what is it you want us to do? And what is that damned noise?” In the distance, ten terrified falsetto Valkyries seemed to sing “hiyoto” octaves.
“Oh, that’s just the T-men coming for Tony,” she said comfortably, fiddling with her Nagra. “I had my husband call them from farther out on the Island, to muddy the trail. I know your shy, retiring nature, Willard—perhaps you and Maureen would care to disappear for a few minutes? Oh, and would you mind terribly being officially dead? I have the distinct impression I saw Tony murder you both. What with counterfeiting and three murders, it might actually be ten years or more before he’s eligible for parole.”
The Professor smiled. “I’m sure his new boyfriend, whoever that might be, will appreciate your thoughtfulness. And while I can’t speak for Maureen, I for one have not officially existed for years.” He turned to me. “Will you come into the woods with me, little girl?”
“Actually, I was just on the way to my grandmother’s Home, Mr. Wolf. Let’s go there, instead.”
So we did.
CHAPTER 14
AN IMMODEST
PROPOSAL
Some hours later:
“Maureen?”
“In a minute, okay? I’m still coming.”
“Sorry.”
“S’okay.”
Timeless time later: “Maureen?”
“Yes, Professor?”
“Do you suppose that if we were to give Theo Trudell that fifty thousand—the realies, I mean—he might be persuaded to give Mrs. Willoughby’s diamonds a pass? She’ll need them, now that her husband’s going to prison.”
I blinked lazily up at him, and the smile on my face got bigger. “You chump. You’re not supposed to say things like that after we make love. How am I supposed to reward you now?”
He cleared his throat softly. “Well, you could always marry me.”
My eyes opened all the way. “Hmmm. Yes, I suppose I could always do that.”
Was he asking me to quit my job? If so, would I?
“Before you make up your mind, I have relevant information to offer: I’m thinking of changing careers.”
Three major surprises in three sentences. “What sort of grift did you have in mind?”
“Well, actually, I was sort of thinking of trying honest work.”
Four for four. I thrust him off me and sat up. “You have just exceeded my gullibility threshold,” I said stiffly.
He lay back and sighed. “I know, I know, I can scarcely believe it myself. But I swear to God, I’m dead serious.”
I softened, and bit my lip. “Okay, I believe you. But I’m not at all sure I like this. What kind of work were you thinking of?”
He looked mildly embarrassed. “Uh…my love, perhaps you knew…or possibly suspected…that once upon a time, Lady Sally and I were on rather…er…intimate terms?”
“Then you’re a lucky man. What’s your point?”
“Well, darling, it’s like this. I’ve been thinking for years about what you said the day you left me. About how you and I both screw people for a living, but yours are grateful. And Lady Sally says that in her opinion I have enough potential to be worth training. And that husband-and-wife teams are good box-office. So I thought—”
I shut him up by kissing him. “I’ll supervise your training myself,” I said. “For openers, let me show you a little something I call Emergency Overdrive…”
You know what? When Willard and I hold hands nowadays, and our wedding rings touch, they always look to me just like a little pair of solid gold, very tony donuts.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Spider Robinson, winner of three Hugos, a Nebula, and numerous other SF awards, presently makes his home in Vancouver, British Columbia, with his wife, choreographer/writer Jeanne Robinson, their daughter, presently named Terri, and a cat named Smokey Pixel. Among other weird distinctions, he is believed to be the first Western science fiction writer to be paid for reprint of his work in the Soviet Union. (His Hugo-winning short story, “Melancholy Elephants,” was excerpted in Журнал Изобретатель и Рационализатор.) CALLAHAN’S LADY is his thirteenth book.
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