I stared bleakly into the snow, then turned and walked back. My footprints had almost disappeared. And his? They had gone too. It was as if he had never existed.
2
Bordeaux, France, 1948
Oh, Diane, do look, here’s that dear little boy again!”
Joy Springtoe bent down and gave my cheek a generous pinch. I breathed in the sweetness of her perfume and felt myself blush. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her hair was a mass of blond curls, her eyes the color of the doves that cooed from the château roof, her skin soft and pale like suede. She was elegant in that overdone American way that French women consider brash, but I liked her. She was colorful. When she laughed you wanted to laugh with her; except I didn’t, couldn’t. I just smiled shyly and let her caress me, my young heart overflowing with gratitude.
“You’re mighty handsome for a little boy. Why, you must be no more than six or seven? Hm? Where are your parents? I’d so like to meet them! Are they as handsome as you?”
Her friend walked over, looking anxious. She was stout like a teapot, with rosy cheeks and soft brown eyes. In spite of her red floral blouse she looked drab beside Joy, as if God had got carried away painting Joy and forgotten to give Diane any color.
“His name is Mischa,” said Diane. “He’s French.”
“You don’t look French, my little one. Not with all that blond hair and those pretty blue eyes. No, you don’t look French at all.”
“His mother works in the hotel,” Diane added. Joy frowned an inquiry. “I was curious, so I asked.” She shrugged and smiled down at me apologetically.
“Don’t you go to school?” Joy asked. “Est-ce que tu ne vas pas à l’école?”
“He’s mute, Joy.”
Joy straightened and looked at Diane in horror. When she turned back to me, her face had melted with sympathy.
“He doesn’t speak?” she said, running her hand over my cheek. Her eyes glistened with compassion. “Who stole your voice, my little one?”
At that moment, while I basked in the warmth of Joy’s affection, Madame Duval strode around the corner. When she saw me her face darkened for an instant before she checked herself. “Bonjour,” she said to her guests. Her voice was light and sugary. I froze like a startled mouse with nowhere to run. “I trust you had a pleasant night?”
Joy stood up and ran a hand through her hair. “Oh, we did. It’s so beautiful here. My window looks right out over the vines and this morning, in the sunshine, they simply sparkled.”
“I am pleased. Breakfast is now served in the dining room.”
Joy glanced down at me. By the expression on her face she had registered my terror. She patted my head and winked, then she and Diane walked down the corridor towards the staircase. When they had gone, Madame Duval’s expression hardened like water that is suddenly turned to ice.
“And you! What are you doing in this side of the house? Get away! Go on! Get away!” She shooed me off with a brisk wave of her hand. My heart, only a moment ago so open, now closed in on itself. I ran off before she could hit me.
I found my mother polishing silver in the pantry. She looked up anxiously when she saw me enter. “Oh, Mischa!” she exclaimed, drawing me into her arms and kissing my temple. “Are you all right? Did someone hurt you?” She looked down at my face and understood. “Oh, my love, you mustn’t go into the Private Side. This is a hotel now. It is not your home.” My tears soaked into her apron. “I know it is hard for you to understand. But this is the way things are now. You must accept it and you must behave, for both our sakes. Madame Duval has been good to us.” I pulled away and shook my head angrily. To my shame the tears began to flow again. When she tried to embrace me I shook her off and stamped my foot. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I shouted. But she could not hear my inner voice.
“Come, my love. I understand. Maman understands you.” Unable to resist the warmth of her kisses I allowed myself to be won over and snuggled into her lap. I closed my eyes and breathed in the lemony scent of her skin. Her lips rested against my cheekbone so that I could feel her breath on my face. I sensed her love. It was fierce and unconditional and I drank it in with parched lips.
My mother was my best friend. However, that dreadful episode at the end of the war also brought me someone special, someone all my very own. His name was Pistou and no one could see him but me. He was about my age. Unlike me, he was dark with ruffled hair and olive skin and deep-set brown eyes. He heard my inner voice and I didn’t have to explain, because he understood everything. For a little boy, he was very knowing.
The first time I saw him was at night. Since the end of the war I slept with my mother. We’d curl up together and she’d keep me snug and safe. I had nightmares, you see. Terrible dreams where I’d wake up crying with my mother stroking my brow and kissing me sleepily. I couldn’t explain to her the nature of my dreams so I’d lie blinking into the darkness, afraid that, if I closed my eyes, the images would return and take me away from her. It was then that Pistou appeared. He sat on the bed and smiled at me. His face was so luminous, his expression so warm, I knew instantly that we’d be friends. From the look of compassion in his eyes I knew he saw my dreams as I did and that he understood my fears. While my mother slept, I lay awake with Pistou, until I could fight my tiredness no more and I, too, drifted off to sleep.
After those initial midnight encounters, he began to appear during the daytime. I soon realized that no one else could see him; they looked right through him. He’d run amongst them, playing pranks, pinching the old women’s bottoms, tipping their hats with his fingers, sticking out his tongue right in front of them, but they did not see him. Even my mother rubbed her forehead and frowned when I played with him in our small room in the stable block. Of course, I couldn’t tell her about Pistou, even if I had wanted to.
I didn’t go to school. Not because I was mute, but because they wouldn’t take me. My mother tried to teach me what she knew, but it was hard for her. She worked long hours in the château and would return in the evenings exhausted. However, in spite of having toiled all day, she managed to find time to teach me how to write. It was a frustrating process because of my inability to communicate, but we struggled on, the two of us. Always the two of us — and Pistou.
I knew it saddened her that I had no young friends to play with. I knew a lot that she didn’t suspect me of knowing. You see, she often spoke her thoughts out loud, as if I were not only mute but deaf too. She’d sit at her dressing table, brushing her long brown hair, staring at her solemn face in the mirror, while I pretended to sleep in the iron bed, listening to everything she said. “Oh, I fear for you, Mischa,” she’d say. “I brought you into the world and yet I cannot protect you from it. I do the best I can, but it is not enough.” Other times she’d lie beside me and whisper into my ear: “You’re all I have, my love. It’s just the two of us. Maman and her little chevalier.” I grew up with enemies all around. We were like an island in a shark-infested sea. But to me, no enemy was more fearful than Madame Duval.
It was because of her that we had had to move out of the château, into the stable block. My mother said that she was good to us. She spoke to the old woman with deference, her words full of gratitude, as if we owed her our very lives. But Madame Duval never smiled or responded with kindness. She peered at my mother through reptilian eyes, with condescension. As for me, to her I was worse than the rats they set traps for in the cave beneath the château. I was vermin. The very sight of me alarmed her. When the hotel opened I strayed out to the front, captivated by the shiny cars that drew up on the gravel, chauffeured by solemn men in hats and gloves. She grabbed me by the ear and dragged me into the kitchen where she hit me so hard about the head that I fell to the floor. Her shrill voice attracted the attention of Yvette, the cook, and her small army of staff, who all crowded around to see what had happened. But none of them helped me. I cowered on the floor in fear, as I had done back then, for their faces were the same: full of hatre
d.
It was my mother who held me and her tears that proved again and again that against all the odds she loved me deeply.
Unable to communicate and fearful of the staff, I withdrew into myself and my secret world. Pistou and I played cache-cache for hours among the long rows of vines. He’d have a way of popping up out of nowhere, then laugh so hard he had to hold his belly. His shaking shoulders caused me enormous amusement, so I’d copy him, which would make him laugh all the more. We’d sit on the stone bridge and throw pebbles into the water. He could make them bounce, like the little rubber ball I carried about in my pocket. That ball was very special to me. In fact, it was my most treasured possession because my father had given it to me and it was all I had left of him. We’d play catch with it and perform tricks like seals. Once, it fell into the water with an ominous plop. Unlike the stones we tossed in, the little rubber ball didn’t sink but bobbed up and down, swept along by the current. In my haste, I jumped in after it, only remembering that I couldn’t swim when I was waist-high in the water. Gasping with shock and terror, I grabbed my ball and struggled through the mud and weeds to reach the bank. Pistou wasn’t concerned. He put his hands on his hips and laughed at my foolishness. I dragged myself up the bank. I had nearly drowned. But I got my ball. The relief gave me a delicious high. In celebration of my heroics we danced on the grass like a pair of Red Indians, waving our arms and stamping our feet. I held on to my ball and vowed never to be so careless again.
When the Duvals bought the château and turned it into a hotel, we began to spy on the guests. I knew the grounds better than anyone and certainly better than the Duvals. I had grown up there. It had been my home. I knew the places to hide, the doors to crouch behind, all the escape routes. Oh, I didn’t hide from guests like Joy Springtoe; she knew how to keep a secret. I hid from Madame Duval and her coarse toad of a husband who smoked cigars and kissed the maids when his wife wasn’t looking. Pistou disliked the Duvals, too. His favorite game was hiding things. He hid Monsieur Duval’s cigars, Madame Duval’s reading glasses, and we watched from our secret places while they bustled about irritably in search of them.
My fascination with Joy Springtoe overrode my fear of Madame Duval. I was only six and three-quarters, but I was in love. In my desire to see her, I risked everything. I’d sneak into the Private Side and hide behind the furniture and plants. The château was full of narrow corridors and nooks and crannies perfect for a child of my size to hide in. During the day Madame Duval spent a lot of time in her office on the ground floor. They had laid an ugly blue and gold carpet there on top of the big square stones I had skidded across as a toddler. I hated that carpet. The hall was her lair and there she’d wait like a spider to welcome the guests who arrived from England and America with money in their pockets. While she spun her charm, so false to those like me who knew her true face, I crept along the corridors for a glimpse of Joy Springtoe.
From behind the upholstered chair that stood in the corner by the window, I saw the comings and goings of guests. It was morning. The pale light flooded the carpeted floor and white walls with summer. Outside, the birdsong was a loud clamor. First to appear were the Three Pheasants, as my mother called them — three elderly ladies from England who had come to paint. I liked foreigners. I hated the French, except for Jacques Reynard, who ran the vineyard; the only one who was kind to me. The Three Pheasants made me smile for they were always arguing. They had been in residence for weeks. I imagined their rooms stuffed full of paintings. The tall one was called Gertie, a pheasant with a long neck who tried to be a swan. She was white-haired with a thin, bony face and small black eyes. Her bosom was large, and wobbled as she walked, like soft-boiled eggs in muslin. Her waist was small, cinched in by a belt, before her body expanded as if all the fat from her waist had been squeezed into her bottom. She had long white fingers that played with the pearl necklace that hung down to her waist, and she was always the first to give an opinion.
Daphne was my favorite: Daphne with the feathers in her hair. Daphne was eccentric. Her dresses followed no recognizable style, some days covered in lace, others trimmed with what looked like the fringes on curtains. Her face was as round and pink as a ripe peach, her full lips always breaking into a smile as if she argued just for the fun of it. She carried a small, fluffy dog that she had smuggled into France. His pale brown fur obscured his face so I never knew which way he was facing. Once I waved a biscuit in front of him to find that what I thought was his face was his bottom. Daphne’s voice was thick and smoky and she spoke slowly so that I understood, although I had grown up with English spoken around me. Best of all I liked her shoes. She seemed to have enough shoes to wear a different pair every day, and each one was more colorful than the last. There were pink velvet ones; purple satin ones; some had small heels; others were flat and pointed, turning up at the toes; one or two had straps around the ankles with beads or feathers hanging from the buckle. She was curvy and soft and her feet were very small.
Then there was Debo. She was languorous in thin, floral dresses. Her black hair was cut into a shiny bob that accentuated her sharp jaw, and her lips were always painted scarlet. Her eyes were wide and the palest shade of green. She was still beautiful. My mother said she dyed her hair, for a woman of that age would surely be gray. She also said that they all dressed from another era, but I was only six and three-quarters so I didn’t know of which era she spoke. They certainly didn’t dress like anyone I had ever seen before. Not like Joy Springtoe, anyway. Debo smoked all the time. She’d suck through an ivory holder and the end of the cigarette would light up like a firefly. Then the smoke would either trail out of the side of her mouth or she’d puff it out like a train in one long stream. She never simply blew it out, but played with it as if it were a game that amused her. Unlike Daphne, her voice was brittle and her laughter a cackle. She talked as if her mouth were full, her jaw stiff and unmoving.
“Don’t look behind the chair, girls,” said Daphne in a loud whisper. “That dear little boy is hiding again.”
“He needn’t hide from us,” said Debo, cackling softly. “Hasn’t someone told him, we don’t bite?”
“He’s hiding from ‘Mrs. Danvers,’” continued Daphne. “And I don’t blame him.”
“I think she’s charming,” argued Gertie.
“You would,” Debo replied, her scarlet lips curling into a smile.
“You’re always wrong about people, Gertie. She’s a horror!” Daphne exclaimed and they disappeared around the corner.
After they had gone I waited for Joy Springtoe. A couple of men walked past, but they didn’t see me. When I began to lose hope, she emerged from her room and came towards me. However, she didn’t walk with her usual bounce and I noticed that she was crying. Moved by her tears I risked being caught by Madame Duval and stepped out from behind the chair.
“Oh, you startled me, Mischa,” she said, placing a hand on her chest. She managed a small smile and dabbed her eyes with a hanky. “Were you waiting for me?” she asked. She looked down at me and frowned. “Come, I want to show you something.” She took me by the hand and led me back to her room. My heart was racing with excitement. She had never held my hand before.
Her room smelled sweet. The windows were wide open, giving out on to the box garden and beyond to the fields of vines. The air that blew in was fresh and heavy with the scent of cut grass. On the large bed her pink silk nightdress was draped over the bedspread, the pillow still dented from where her head had lain. She closed the door behind me and walked over to the bedside table. She picked up a photograph in a frame and motioned for me to join her on the bed. I sat beside her shyly, my feet dangling over the edge. I had never sat in a woman’s bedroom before, other than my mother’s, and it filled me with fear, as if at any moment the door might open and I’d be caught, dragged off by the ear, and beaten.
The photograph was of a man in uniform. “This was my sweetheart, my little one.” She sighed and caressed his face with her eyes. “I’
d dreamed of marrying him and having a little boy like you.” She laughed to herself. “I don’t imagine you can understand what I’m saying, can you? The trouble is my French is very limited. It doesn’t matter.” She put her arms around me and kissed my head. I felt my cheeks inflame and hoped she wouldn’t see. “He died here in Bordeaux at the end of the war. He was a brave man, my little one. I hope you don’t ever have to go to war. It’s a terrible thing for a man to do. To fight for his life, to lose everything. My Billy was killed in action, in a war that wasn’t his. It makes me feel a little better, though, to think that his efforts might have preserved you. That if America hadn’t entered the war the Germans might have won and then what would have become of you? Hm? I’d like to have a little boy like you one day — a handsome little boy with blond hair and blue eyes.” She ruffled my hair and sniffed. I felt her eyes on my face and I blushed all the more. This seemed to amuse her, for she smiled. Even if I had had a voice, I would have been speechless.
When she went downstairs to the dining room, she was no longer crying. I returned to the stable block. It was Sunday; my mother didn’t work on Sundays, she went to Mass instead and I went with her. As much as I hated it, I knew I had to go for her. The animosity of the villagers was such that if I let her go alone, I feared it would overwhelm her.
The Gypsy Madonna Page 2
