“Hey, Van,” Noah says. “How are you feeling?”
Other than seriously annoyed? I sigh as I slump down onto the little bench against the back fence. Thankfully, David stays at the back door.
“I’m fine. No other weird fainting spells.”
Noah doesn’t ask me again, or try to make sure I’m really fine like everyone else. He accepts my answer and moves on. “I’m glad you’re feeling alright. I was pretty worried about you.”
“I’m sorry, Noah. I didn’t mean to freak everyone out.” I run my hands through my hair as I sigh. “Like I needed one more thing to make everybody think I’m a complete weirdo.”
For a long moment, he doesn’t say anything. He stays quiet for so long that I begin to worry that it isn’t just the other kids in class that thinks there’s something wrong with me. An ache starts in my chest that is difficult to contain. Part me has always expected that Noah would one day realize I’m too messed up to be around, but I had convinced myself that he would stay even after he realized that.
“Noah,” I say with a small voice, “it’s okay.”
“What’s okay?”
I let my head fall back against the bench and take a deep breath. “It’s okay to walk away. I understand.”
“What?” Noah says. “I’m not going anywhere. Why would I?”
“I just thought…”
“What?” Noah interrupts, “that I’d run because you fainted? Don’t you have any faith in me?”
Sitting back up, I shake my head. “No, not because I fainted. Because you know what Zander and Oscar went through. You have to! Kennedy was friends with Lisa. I know she saw how difficult this stuff was for Zander. He barely made it, and Oscar… well, he only partially made it.”
I stand up, too agitated to sit still now. David steps closer to the back door, but doesn’t open it. That’s probably due to the nasty glare I just shot at him.
“Today may have been nothing,” I say, “but it’s going to happen to me, too.”
“I know,” Noah says softly. “I’ve known that since before we started hanging out.”
His voice is oddly calm, soothing even. That kind of freaks me out, to be honest. I stop walking, completely confused, and more than a little wary. “What? You told me at school that you didn’t know about the genetic thing.”
“I didn’t know what it was, but I knew both Oscar and Zander started having major problems around this age. It made sense that you would too,” Noah says. “When you started talking about a genetic disorder, I got scared that it meant whatever is going on could seriously hurt you.”
Sitting back down on the bench, I let my head fall into my free hand. “It could,” I say quietly. “It could kill me.”
Noah’s breath blows out slowly. “But your doctors are taking care of you, right? You’re not in any… immediate danger?”
The fear and pleading in his voice breaks my heart. “No,” I say. “I’m not in any immediate danger, but that could change at any moment. I have no idea what will happen to me when my… when it happens. I could end up like Oscar.”
“You won’t end up like Oscar,” Noah says.
I don’t argue with him, because it would be pointless. Neither one of us knows what will happen. We’re both scared, though, and there is a certain kinship in that.
“Van,” Noah says quietly, “you don’t have to hide things from me. I know you think you do, but I can handle more than you realize. I understand more than you know.”
My whole body freezes. “What do you mean?”
For a moment, Noah doesn’t reply, and I find myself holding my breath. Finally, he sighs and says, “I just meant that I know you’re different than anyone else I’ve ever met. You’re special. I know I don’t even come close to knowing what you’re dealing with, but I know you’re going to survive it. If you need help, though, I hope you know you can count on me.”
It sounds like a perfectly logical explanation, but something I can’t explain makes me distrust what he’s saying. He wants me to confide in him, but I can’t. The same itchy feeling from this morning tells me that he’s not being honest with me.
Taking a deep breath, I say, “Noah, I need a little more time.”
“I know,” he says, “but when you’re ready, I’ll be here. I never want you to doubt that.”
I shake my head, confused and frustrated. “Why?” I ask. It’s the only word I can give voice to in the face of everything running through my mind right now.
“Why do I hang around with you?” Noah asks softly. “Because I want to. I have faith that you’re stronger than whatever it is you’re facing. You are not Oscar, and you are not Zander. You are so much more than what you give yourself credit for.”
He pauses, but there is nothing I can say to him in this moment. I can hear the sincerity in his voice. It’s confusing, because I trust that he means what he’s saying, but I don’t trust him. My fingers press over my mouth as I understand.
“I am with you because I want to be with you, Van. There’s no other reason,” Noah says with a surprising amount of heat. “I want you to be happy. I want you to be…”
Noah sighs so deeply I can almost feel the ache in his heart just from the sound.
“I want you to be safe,” he says.
So few words, and yet they stir up more confusion than I know what to do with. He doesn’t expect me to respond. He seems to know I can’t, but there’s no way he understands the real reason why. His heartfelt words echo in my mind long after we say goodbye, battling with the instinct not to trust him. I fall asleep hours later, worried and more confused than ever.
***
“Vanessa! It is time to get up!”
My growl rumbles out from under my blankets. Yesterday was stressful enough with the fainting, weird images, possible explanations, and Noah. Today promises to be even worse.
“Young lady,” David calls through the door, “if you are not waiting by the door in fifteen minutes, I will place you there myself whether you are dressed and packed or not, and you will spend the next two weeks in solitary meditation exercises. Now get up!”
“Fine!” I yell through the door as I throw my blankets aside. I hate him! I really, really hate him!
Having anticipated what a horrible mood I would be in this morning, I made sure everything I needed was packed last night. I even showered and laid out my clothes, so I could pretend for as long as possible that I was not about to spend the next two weeks of my life holed up with the Godlings. Thanks to my foresight, I am sitting at the breakfast table gulping down eggs and toast five minutes later.
When Ketchup slides into the seat next to me, I silently thank Noah for not pressing to come by this morning to see us off. My other emotions are a tangled-up mess. Yes, I love being with Ketchup, but I am scared senseless of what these next two weeks might bring. What if I give in? What if I let my emotions choose my future instead of protecting him? What if I’m not there when Zander needs me? If I make the wrong choice about Noah, what might I lose? And the biggest fear of all, what if I walk right into whatever David is planning for me?
“It’s time to leave,” David announces suddenly.
I try to ignore him, but Ketchup whisks my plate away and drags me up from the table. Scowling at him, I yank my arm out of his grip. Just because he’s excited doesn’t mean he needs to be grabby.
Efficient as always, David has everything packed in the cars and people seated in their appropriate places within five minutes. Grandma and Zander are all tucked away in the first town car with David. Feeling more down than ever, I approach the second town car with some stodgy Godling driver behind the wheel.
I’m sure David thought we would be taking Oscar with us on this exciting little trip, but he should have known better than to try and force him into doing anything. The whole hospital probably thinks Oscar is on the verge of a complete meltdown after the fit he threw when David tried to speak to him personally. Let’s just say, the wall and the chair
that went through it will never be the same.
Needless to say, David was forced to make other arrangements. I don’t like the idea of a Godling doctor being placed in the hospital with Oscar. It worries me that any Godling will have so much access to him, but there was nothing Zander or I could do about it. I can only hope the next two weeks won’t result in any more deaths.
Sighing, I slide into the backseat of the town car where Ketchup is waiting for me. Ketchup’s presence demanded the extra car, so Zander wouldn’t eat him. It is a plus with potentially many minuses. There was no way I was spending who knows how many hours either squashed in a car with David glaring at me or with Grandma and Zander asking a bazillion questions about yesterday that I have no hope of answering, but I’m nervous to spend this much time with Ketchup.
Neither David nor Zander have gotten over my fainting episode yesterday. They are both frustrated that neither of them could explain what had happened. I think Grandma knew I was holding something back when I was forced to explain as much as I could, but she didn’t press me. David simply seemed to think it was me being overdramatic. I thought Grandma would insist on riding with Ketchup and me after my fainting spell, but she was surprisingly easy to push away. I try not to let that worry me and just hope she trusts me to behave.
“Do either of you need anything before we leave?” the driver asks. “David is ready to go.”
Ketchup glances at me for confirmation, and then says, “I think we’re good.”
“If you need something to eat or drink, the compartments to your right and left contain snacks and beverages. There is also an intercom button directly below the partition. You may use it while we are driving if you need to get my attention.”
With that, the privacy window rolls up and secludes us. It’s only then that I realize all the windows are so heavily tinted that we can’t see out. The feeling that I am being kidnapped is difficult to swallow.
“Well,” Ketchup says, “this is a little weird.”
Oh, I’m sure it’s only the beginning of weird. No need to freak him out even more. Still tired, I lean my head back and will myself to fall asleep. Ketchup gives me a good five minutes before speaking.
“So, are we going to not talk the whole drive or what?”
Opening my eyes to the weird, half-dark cab, I look over at him, a snappish comment I know he doesn’t deserve on my lips thanks to my sour mood. The worried look on his face stops me. I’m not sure if he’s concerned because we might actually be getting kidnapped, or that my bad mood has something to do with him. Instantly, I feel guilty for being such a nasty traveling companion.
“Ketchup, I’m sorry. I’m not ignoring you on purpose. This whole trip just really has me on edge.”
“Why?” he asks. “Well, other than the creepy car and the fact that we have no idea where we’re going.”
It takes me a while to sort out everything that is bothering me. There seems to be so much I am trying to get a handle on right now. The second I think I have one problem under control, two more crop up. In the end, it all boils down to one simple fact.
“Ketchup, I’m scared.”
My admission comes with a bowed head and fingers twisted together anxiously. It’s more than Ketchup can stand. His body presses against mine a moment later, his arms pulling me into an embrace so warm and gentle that I have no will to resist. His hand strokes my hair slowly.
“What are you afraid of, Van?”
What am I not afraid of at this point? I sigh and lean against his chest more heavily.
“I’m afraid of going to this camp, of changing. I’m afraid of Zander becoming one of them. I’m terrified of what Zander might do with whatever he learns here. I’m afraid of what I’ll learn here. I don’t want to desensitize myself to other people’s pain. What will that turn me into? I’m afraid we’ll lose who we are and become Godlings, and I don’t even know what that means yet. I’m afraid of losing Oscar, because now he doesn’t need us like he used to. David could keep him alive without us easily. Even after everything he did, he’s still my brother and I love him.”
Ketchup takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “That’s a lot to be afraid of, Van, but I know how strong you are. No one can change you unless you let them, and no one is going to take anyone away from you either. I’ve never met anyone more dedicated to protecting the people they love than you are.”
“I’m afraid of being with you,” I blurt out before I can stop myself.
Clearly stunned, hurt even, Ketchup pulls back and stares down at me. “What? Van, you know I would never hurt you.”
“I know you won’t, but can you say the same about me?” I ask quietly.
Ketchup’s embrace loosens as his hands come up to grip my shoulders. “Yes, I can.”
Shaking my head, I turn away from him.
“If this is about your hunger…”
“It’s not,” I interrupt, “I mean, it’s a possibility, especially with my hunger ready to hit full on any day now, but that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?” Ketchup asks. “Is this about Noah? Did something happen after I left your house yesterday?”
“He called and we talked, and he kind of freaked me out when he said he understood more than I thought he did, but as usual, he seemed to have a perfectly reasonable explanation. I don’t know what to think about him anymore. This isn’t about Noah, though, not really.” I take my time forming what I want to say. Ketchup is blessedly patient. “I don’t know that I can ever give you the relationship you want. There’s still Zander to consider.”
“We’ll figure it out, I promise.”
Shaking my head, I try to organize everything running through my head right now. “Even if Zander learns to control his hunger enough to be around you for more than five minutes, our lives will always be controlled by my need to be near him. If we want to move, he has to move too. Vacations, he’ll always be a plus one. And vice versa on both. I’ll be locked to him, too. I have no idea what will happen with Oscar long term, so I can’t make plans based on him being able to keep me alive.”
“What about the Godlings?” Ketchup asks.
My eyes tear up as I consider the consequences of relying on them. I have no choice but to be blunt with Ketchup and lay everything out.
“If I rely on them to keep me alive, I will perpetually owe them. I get the feeling that this isn’t a group that gives favors without a price,” I say quietly. “I’m afraid of what they may ask for in return. I’m afraid of what David will want from me in return.”
Ketchup’s eyes widen, and he looks suddenly furious. “What do you mean, what David wants from you? Has he done something inappropriate with you?”
Realizing too late how my words sounded, I rush to calm Ketchup back down. “No! That’s not what I meant.” I shiver at the very idea of such a thing. “David has never ever done anything suggestive of that. I just meant that he’s been weird lately.”
“About your power?” Ketchup asks.
I nod. “Ketchup, I really think he believes I can do something that will help him beat the Eroi.”
“Can you?”
Rolling my eyes, I shift away from him. “I would have told you if I could. I can’t even do the stuff he wants me to do half the time. His techniques just don’t work for me.”
“He hasn’t given you any hints about what he expects?” Ketchup asks.
I shake my head. “What if it’s something I don’t want to do? They’ll either let me die, or they’ll use you to make me do what they want. I would never risk your life just to save mine, Ketchup, I…”
The words stick in my throat. I want so badly to utter them. I’ve said them hundreds of times in my head, but I know the instant I tell Ketchup I love him out loud, there will be no going back. There will be no option to put all of this Godling business behind me, no option to keep Ketchup outside of their reach. I can’t make that choice yet. There is no doubt in my mind that Ketchup will follow me in
to any situation if I let him. I’m not ready to accept that kind of devotion until I know exactly what it might cost. His life is so precious to me.
“Ketchup, I am terrified that spending the next two weeks with you will break down all my defenses, that I’ll give in before I understand what I’ve gotten myself into with the Godlings. I can’t blindly lead you into something you’ll regret. I can’t decide the rest of my life without knowing where I will end up.”
“Vanessa,” Ketchup says, surprising me by using my full name, “I will never regret following you anywhere, no matter the consequences. Whether you’re ready to accept it or not, I’ve already chosen to spend my life with you. I’m not going anywhere.”
His hands gently pull me back against his chest. He brushes away the tears I can’t seem to stop from falling. “Having said that, I can still respect that you need to figure a few things out before we can be together for real.”
He says it with such confidence, as if he knows I will eventually wise up and choose him despite the risks. I want to be that confident, but I’m not. “I think we need some limits, boundaries while we’re at the compound,” I say. Pulling away from Ketchup a little, I try to sniffle away the last of my tears.
“Such as?”
I bite at my bottom lip, not sure how he will react to the rules I came up with last night, as I was dreading this trip well into the wee hours of the morning.
“We have to keep things like they are at school. We’re friends, so no holding hands, no lengthy alone time, no… kissing.”
Ketchup pouts at that one, though that’s hardly surprising. “Hugs?” he asks.
I should probably say no, but I don’t think I’ll survive this trip without them. “Hugs are fine, but for a reasonable amount of time only.”
“Define reasonable,” Ketchup says with a grin.
Wicked Power Page 11
