by Bella Jewel
“That’s not it,” he cuts me off. “Fuck, if you knew what I felt ...”
“Then why don’t you tell me? Why are we so afraid of whatever this is?”
“Because it can’t be anything more, and I can’t risk letting that feeling out.”
He turns and paddles in. As always, cutting the conversation off.
I’m frustrated and tired of going around and around in circles. He tells me he doesn’t know what’s going on with Isla and that he cares about me, but that’s all he gives me. No talk of the future, or what might happen. Nothing.
Maybe the time has come for me to move on.
Maybe, I need to let Bohdi go.
The problem is ... I don’t know if I can do that.
I’M STRUGGLING WITH arms full of sticks and ocean bark that I don’t see the man jogging toward me down the path. I don’t see him until I slam into him and my collection goes flying. With a loud cry, I stumble backward, shocked and confused. It takes me a moment to realize what has happened. I’ve crashed into someone because I couldn’t see in front of me, and he clearly wasn’t paying attention either.
He throws his hands out right away, and I see he’s incredibly handsome. Tall, lean, with sandy blond hair and deep brown eyes. He’s been around the water for a lot of his life, that much is clear. He looks like he belongs on the ocean, maybe in a ship or something of the sort. He looks to me, and in a puffed voice from running, he says, “God, I am so sorry. Let me help you pick up your ... sticks.”
My cheeks flush as I kneel down and start gathering the little collection I was bringing back from the beach to make some things. I don’t know what, but I thought I could use them in a crafty way to make things for my little cabin. I like creating, and what better way to do that then with what mother nature naturally gives out.
“It’s okay, they’re just for some art,” I say, picking up what I can. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to run into you.”
“It’s okay, no problem at all,” he says, standing with a hand full of sticks. Most of those aren’t the ones I had, but I can’t help but smile at his effort.
He hands them all to me, and I can’t stop the giggle that escapes my throat.
“Those aren’t your sticks, are they?” he says, a grin spreading across his handsome face.
“No, but that’s completely okay. I appreciate you helping.”
“You’re new around here?” he asks, studying me. “I don’t think I’ve seen you on this path before.”
“I am, I live in the cabin just over there.”
I nod my head in the direction of the cabin.
“Oh, nice. I knew the people there before, good people. You living alone?”
“Yeah, just me. I’m working at a local café in town and trying to settle in as best I can. I’m Merleigh, by the way.”
“Nice to meet you, Merleigh. I’m Carson.”
Carson.
Handsome.
“Have you lived around here long, Carson?”
“Nah, only for the last few years. I used to live by the ocean, I did a lot of traveling for surfing. Then I retired and wanted to be back by the beach, so here I am. I work at a local fishery now.”
“You surf?” I ask, raising my brows.
“Yeah. Well, I used to.”
“And you competed?”
He nods.
“That’s really cool. I have a friend who surfs, he’s teaching me. It’s not as easy as it looks.”
He laughs. “No, it certainly isn’t. Listen, do you need a hand with those sticks? I feel bad that I knocked you over.”
“That would be great.”
I point out which ones I want and he collects them before following me back to my cabin. We place them on the porch and I turn to face him. “I appreciate your help.”
“This might sound too forward but ... would you want to grab a coffee? I’m not working this afternoon and I know a great place in town.”
I hesitate. Not because Carson isn’t cute, he is. My lord he is. But because my heart is so attached to Bohdi ... but, he has also made it very clear that it’ll never be anything. Maybe I should be exploring other options, even if the idea feels incredibly wrong.
Still, I can’t say no to a friend.
“I’m not really looking to start anything right now, but I’m always up for friends,” I say, getting that out of the way up front.
“Sounds great to me.”
I beam. “Let me get changed and we can go.”
I turn and rush inside, getting changed. Then I flick Waverly a text telling her what happened. She will lose it, but she’ll be super happy, too. It’s nice having girls I can talk to. I change into a casual dress and re-brush my hair, then I meet Carson out front and we take the short stroll into the town center. It’s nice living so close, I rarely use my car.
He takes me to the other coffee shop I applied to, and we sit down. I order a coffee and a pecan slice—Carson does the same.
“So, tell me about yourself, Merleigh.”
I tell him the basics and make it sound as nice as I can. I don’t want to go scaring the poor man off before he has the chance to get to know me. This me, not the me that has long since died.
“So just a small town girl,” he grins. “I like it.”
“What about you? Tell me more about your surfing,” I question, sipping my coffee when it arrives.
“There isn’t much to tell, really. I have been surfing all my life, I went and did some competitions and then decided it was time to pack it up and settle down. I don’t have a family, or a wife, I couldn’t keep galivanting around the world forever.”
I respect that.
“That’s a big choice to make.”
He nods, with a smile. “It is, but I always did want kids and a family. So, I picked a place and decided to make a go of it.”
“That place was here?”
“Yeah, I could have gone back where I grew up, but I wanted a change of scenery. I needed to be near the ocean, and this place came highly recommended it. So far, I can say I’m impressed.”
“I think I’m going to grow to love it here, too,” I nod. “It’s so ... peaceful.”
“That’s the good thing about small towns, people are different.”
He’s right about that, they are.
“So you work at the fisheries,” I ask. “What’s that like?”
“Messy,” he chuckles. “But, it’s hard work, and I don’t mind hard work. It makes the days go quickly and the days off more enjoyable.”
I laugh. “That sounds fun.”
“What about you, working at the café? How are you liking that so far?”
“I’ve only been for one shift, but it was great. They’re nice people.”
“Yeah, they certainly are.”
We talk and drink two more cups of coffee. Carson is incredibly easy to get along with. He’s the kind of person you can just talk to, without pause. There are no awkward silences or moments where you struggle to find things to say. No, talking to Carson is easy and effortless. I like him, and I have no doubt this will blossom into a great friendship.
God, I can only hope.
Maybe now, things are finally looking up.
14
THEN – BOHDI
TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD
“Sunny is crying, can you grab him, please?” Isla growls, storming past me, pregnant stomach protruding as she waddles around.
She’s pregnant with our second son and she is making it known to the world that she is miserable, round, and has had enough.
Sunny is a good boy, but he’s strong and determined. I like that about him. He knows what he wants. Even though he’s not even two, he is something else. No doubt about it.
I wasn’t expecting Isla to get pregnant so soon after Sunny was born, but it happened and we went with it. Get it out of the way and all that. Things aren’t any better after the birth of Sunny like I thought they would be. She’s angry, and frustrated, and always
out. She puts Sunny into care and disappears for an entire day, stating that she’s searching for jobs.
I highly doubt it.
“Let him cry, Isla,” I say, picking up my keys. “You can’t always give him what he wants.”
She glares at me in a way that makes my skin prickle. She’s angry, god is she angry. She’s always fucking angry.
“He is a child. Pick him up, Bohdi.”
I exhale and lean down, scooping Sunny into my arms. He immediately stops crying—he always does when I hold him—which is why Isla always wants me to pick him up. She can’t handle his crying. I get it, but I’m not about to create entitled children, either. Still, I like having my boy around, and I certainly like it when he’s happy.
“Come on, buddy. You can come into town with me.”
“Where are you going?” Isla asks, narrowing her eyes.
“To get some food for this family, because you didn’t go grocery shopping and Sunny is out of diapers.”
“Well excuse me for being too busy looking after your son.”
God.
I can’t deal with this. Not today.
“I’m going to the store.”
I take Sunny and leave, heading to the store. When I arrive, I find myself walking up and down the aisles in a daze. I should be doing more to make this family work, but day by day, my soul dies a little more.
I feel like I have nothing left, and it’s killing me.
“Bohdi?”
I hear a familiar voice and spin around, seeing Carson and Sean striding toward me, big grins on their faces. No fucking way. They haven’t been in town for years—fuck, I can’t remember the last time I saw them. A grin spreads across my face when they reach me and pull me in for a hug.
“Fucking hell,” I say when they release me. “What the fuck are you two doin’ here?”
“We’re in town for a comp. Fuck, man, it has been a long time!” Sean says, slapping my shoulder. “This your little fella?”
“It is, this is Sunny.”
“You still with Isla?” Carson asks.
“Yeah.”
“Fuck, it has been too long. You busy this afternoon? Keen for a surf?”
Fuck.
I’d do just about anything to get out on the water this afternoon, or anytime for that matter. “Fuck yeah. I’m still at the shack, come by and we’ll go out.”
“Deal,” Carson says, pulling me in for another hug. “It’s good to see you, brother.”
“You too.”
They disappear, laughing as they move through the shop. They don’t have a care in the world. Not a fucking care. They’re free and living the dream I always wanted. I push the envy down and stare at my son, who grins up at me. I have him. I have my boy. I have happiness, I just need to start focusing a little more on it.
I finish up and head home, putting Sunny down for his nap. Isla comes in just after lunch and goes right to the shower, completely ignoring me. The guys arrive a few minutes after she gets out, and when she sees them, her eyes widen. “Well, I didn’t think I’d see you two around here again. How are you boys?”
“Isla, good to see you,” Carson says, hugging her. “I see Bohdi has been keeping you busy.”
He nods to her belly.
Her face hardens a touch. “Something like that. What are you boys doing in town?”
“Surf comp. Mind if we steal your boy here for a surf?”
Isla gives them a tight smile. She wants nothing to do with me surfing, not these days, but she nods stiffly anyway. The two guys grin big, and I get the hell out of there before she decides to change her mind and make a scene. I dig out my old board and clean it up, then we all head down to the beach. There are a lot of surfers here today—the waves are huge and the sun is out.
Fuck it has been a long time.
“Let’s do this,” Carson says, jogging toward the water with his board under his arm.
Sean looks to me and grins. “It has been a while for you?”
“A fuckin’ long while. You two will show me up no doubt.”
He slaps my shoulder. “You were always the best, it’ll be like riding a bike.”
“I fuckin’ hope so.”
“It has been good seeing you again, Bohdi. Fuck knows the team ain’t the same without you.”
I give him a grateful smirk and then call out, “Race you.”
We used to barrel toward the water when we were boys, racing one another to see who reached the water first. We always said whoever reached the water first was the best, and it was always me. Sean laughs and jogs after me, and when we hit the water, we both soar out into it, belly to our boards, grins on our faces.
Fuck.
I needed this more than they could ever know.
I need them.
I need happiness.
WE SURF FOR HOURS, and slowly people trickle away until there are only four or five other people on the beach with us. We’re about to wrap up for the day, exhausted and well and truly sun kissed, when a loud yell comes from the left of me. For a minute, it just sounds like a yell of laughter, but I quickly learn it is so much fucking worse.
Carson’s bellow is something I’ll never forget.
He calls Sean’s name, and then the word we never want to hear comes echoing through the air. “Shark.”
The number one rule when that is yelled, is to move quickly. Get the fuck out of the water and don’t look back. But this time, this time is different. We’ve only ever experienced sharks twice in our whole time surfing, and both times we were lucky enough to get out without harm. This time, though, it’s fucking bad.
A red tinge fills the water where Sean was surfing, and his board is being thrashed about in the waves. He is nowhere to be seen and Carson is roaring his name as his head whips around. I get over there as fast as I can. I have to get Carson out of the water. The situation just became critical. Sean is nowhere to be seen, and the panic in my chest is one I’ve never experienced before.
“Where is he?” I yell over the crashing waves when I reach Carson.
“I don’t know. Sean!” he bellows. “Fuck. Help. Someone help.”
Lifeguards are running down the beach, roaring at us to get out of the water. I grab Carson’s arm, eyes darting across the surface when I see Sean appear, his arms launching out of the water before he is viciously dragged back down by the biggest fucking shark I’ve ever seen.
“We gotta get out. The guards will get him. It’s their job. We gotta get out, Carson.”
“Sean!” he roars, attempting to swim towards him.
I grab him and haul him back. “You go in there, you’ll fucking die. We gotta get out of this fucking water.”
“It’s killing him!” Carson bellows. “It’s killing him, Bohdi.”
“Get out of the water!” the lifeguards bark as they zip past us on their electric water boats. “Get out now.”
I pull Carson and his board as I frantically pull him out of the water. The minute we reach the surface, we both spin around and watch as the lifeguards drag Sean onto the boat. There is so much blood, I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. “Call 9-1-1!” I roar to onlookers.
Three people pull out their phones.
The second the guards reach the surface they drag Sean onto the shore and we run over. The second we stop beside him, I know he’s not coming out of this alive. His entire left arm has been severed and he is covered in lacerations that are so deep, he is completely covered in blood. There is so much of it pouring out of his lifeless body, there is no way he’ll make it to the hospital alive.
Carson makes a pained sound beside me and drops to his knees. “Sean!”
I put my arm around my friend, watching in utter horror as the guards try their best to stop the bleeding and perform CPR. It’s no use; by the time the paramedics arrive, Sean is declared dead. The pain and anguish that swarms my body when they tell me those words makes me fall forward into the sand and cry out with a pain I didn’t know existed.<
br />
Carson is silent beside me, his face blank, his eyes distant.
People are crying around us.
Police are on the scene.
It’s chaos, but I can hear nothing but the sound of my own agonized roars.
Someone tries to help me.
To help Carson.
Somehow we end up off the beach and are sat at a table on the grass. Police are asking questions, cameras are everywhere, and the world is utter fucking chaos. I can’t hear them or see them. All I can hear and see is my friend, bleeding to death on the sand.
His life completely ripped out from beneath him.
Carson is beside me, head hung, body slumped.
I reach over and take his hand.
He squeezes mine back.
And then we fall into a deafening silence once more.
Sean is gone.
15
NOW – MERLEIGH
I throw my head back in a wild laugh that trails across the quiet night. Carson is beside me, chuckling too. We came back to my shack, one thing led to another and we found ourselves having a few drinks and frying up some steaks on the grill. Carson is so easy to get along with, it feels like I’ve known him forever.
“I have never gotten along with someone so well before,” he says when he finishes laughing.
I don’t even remember what we were laughing about, it just feels good to do it.
“I have to say the same, it’s a pretty nice feeling. I have rarely met people in my time who I’ve gotten along with so well.”
“Well, I’m glad I knocked you over with your armful of sticks.”
“Carson?”
The voice comes from the left of my porch, and it’s a familiar voice. Bohdi. My head whips around to see him standing near the front steps, staring up at us, his face scrunched in an unfamiliar expression of pain, and rage and wait ... how does he know Carson?
I blink.
“Bohdi? Bohdi, is that you?”
Carson stands, his eyes wide, and he walks over to the railing to stare down at Bohdi, who is looking at him like he’s seeing his best friend for the first time in years. They know each other? How the hell do they know each other? Through surfing?
