by Violet Howe
And suddenly, I did.
It was like I had pushed Seth and every memory connected to him as far into the recesses of my mind as possible. Long ago, I’d tried to banish him from my thoughts and sworn never to revisit the decision, and yet, here he was, and everything I’d locked away came flooding back in an overwhelming tide.
Why on earth had I been so damned selfish? Why had I been so obnoxiously stubborn? I’d walked away from the best thing I’d ever had in my life, and I’d convinced myself I was better off for having done it.
I’d thrown myself into my work and turned my back on everything and everyone in Cedar Creek, refusing to visit my own family unless there was a funeral, because I was so scared that seeing Seth would remind me of what I’d lost. Of what I’d tossed away.
“You wanna get out of here?” he asked, and I nodded, willing to go anywhere if it meant prolonging this moment with him.
Three
Seth scooted out of the booth to stand, holding his hand out to help me do the same.
The whiskey buzz combined with emotional euphoria made me dizzy, and I leaned against the table to steady myself as I tightened my grip on his hand.
He put his arm around me and cocked his head to look at me.
“Whoa. You all right?”
“Yeah,” I said with a nod. “It just hit me when I stood up; that’s all.”
“So, maybe you did have a little too much to drink?” He grinned, but disappointment flashed in his eyes.
He probably thought I was only talking to him because I was drunk.
“I’m fine, I swear.” I held up my hand in protest, squaring my shoulders to stand straighter.
“I’ve never known you to drink hard liquor.”
“Yeah, you said that before, but I’m sure there’s a lot you don’t know about me,” I said with a grin. “Whiskey happens to be my drink of choice now.”
He frowned, his face scrunched in disgust. “Never could stomach the stuff, myself. I’ll stick with beer.”
“Maybe you’ve never tried the right whiskey. Have you ever thought about that? Let’s go to my place, and I’ll show you what you’ve been missing.”
Both his eyebrows shot up, and my cheeks grew hot as I thought about how my words could be interpreted.
“With whiskey, Seth! Get your mind out of the gutter.”
Although, truth be told, my mind had already been there since the moment he’d asked if I wanted to leave.
“My mind wasn’t…” He bit down on his bottom lip with a grin. “Okay, yeah, maybe it was.”
“Just because I kissed you and invited you back to my place? Did you really think I’d make it that easy?”
He shook his head and laughed. “No. I should have known better.”
“C’mon, we need to stop by the liquor store on the way. I have a few varieties at home, but there’s a couple more I’d like you to try.”
“That’s not necessary,” he said as we walked toward the front door. “I really don’t need to taste whiskey again to know I don’t like it. Besides, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to have more.”
I glared over my shoulder at him as we stepped outside onto the sidewalk. “I told you I’m fine. I think I know my own limit by this point in life.”
As luck would have it, I stumbled over an uneven seam in the sidewalk as the words left my mouth, and after reaching out to steady me, Seth clamped his mouth shut and lifted both hands, his eyes filled with mirth.
“It was the sidewalk,” I said, pointing to the raised area. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”
“I didn’t say a word. But I think maybe you need to leave your car here and let me drive you home.”
“Yeah, well, my car’s not here. I’m living in Gran’s house, so it’s only three blocks. I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive home.”
His grin faded, and his brow furrowed.
“So, you intended to drink too much before you ever came?”
“Did becoming a deputy make you a boy scout or something? Yeah, I planned to have a few drinks tonight. It’s not like an every night thing, okay? Like I told you earlier, I’ve been going through some stuff. I’ve had a bad day.”
Somehow, I’d managed to forget about Victor and his move to the federal prison as Seth and I talked, but suddenly, reality crashed back into my thoughts, and with it came the memory of Metro Man and the possibility that I was in danger. That I was putting Seth in danger.
I scanned the area for any sign of a skinny killer in flood water pants, but the street appeared deserted other than two groups of smokers hanging out under the street lights in front of the bar and a couple locked in an embrace against the back of a car down by the corner.
“Hey, you okay?” Seth asked, his hand going to my elbow. “What’s wrong? What are you looking for?”
“Nothing,” I said, meeting his eyes with a shaky smile.
I tried to convince myself again that Metro Man posed no danger. He’d been interested in hooking up, nothing more.
But something in my gut didn’t feel right, and I knew I needed to say goodbye to keep Seth safe, just in case.
The streetlights blurred as my eyes glassed over with disappointment. I’d just wanted to escape. I’d wanted to go back in time and experience what might have been, what could have been. But yet again, my mistake with Victor overshadowed everything.
Perhaps it was for the best, though. No need to bring Seth into the mess I’d made of my life, even if only for one night.
“You know what?” I said, blinking back any threat of tears. “You’re probably right. I am a little woozy, and it might be best if I just mosey on home. How about a raincheck on the whiskey lesson?”
The creases in his brow deepened, concern evident in his dark eyes.
“Yeah, sure. No problem. I’ll drive you, though.”
“No, you don’t have to do that,” I said, taking a step back from him as I did another quick scan of the street. The idea of walking home alone with a possible killer out there frightened me, but the thought of Seth being hurt because of me was even more terrifying. “It’s a few blocks. The fresh air will do me good.”
“Then, I’ll walk with you.” He reached to take my hand, but I pulled it from his reach.
“No, that’s nonsense. Go back inside. Enjoy your Friday night with your friends. I’ll be fine, really.”
I hoped that was true.
“I am not about to let you walk home alone drunk. Now, you can either get in my truck, or I’ll walk with you. What’s it gonna be?”
“Seriously, I walk home from this bar all the time. It’s not that far.”
“Great, then let’s start walking.”
He headed in the direction of my grandmother’s house, and I scrambled to find a reason to keep him at the bar where I knew he’d be safe.
“But what about your truck? You can’t just leave it here.”
He turned back to face me, but he didn’t stop walking.
“Like you said, it’s not that far. I’ll just walk back here to get it. C’mon.”
Without waiting for my response, he turned and continued on his path.
I growled in frustration and then hurried to catch up with him.
“You are the most stubborn person I’ve ever met in my life,” I said once we were side by side.
“Really? I would think I have some pretty stiff competition from the person you see in the mirror every day.”
“Oh, no.” I shook my head. “You are way more stubborn than I am.”
“Then why waste time arguing with me? Watch your step.” He pointed to a hole in the sidewalk, reaching to put his arm around my waist and steer me clear of it.
“I’m not drunk, I swear.”
“Okay. I didn’t want you to trip or twist your ankle. That can happen when you’re sober, too, you know.”
He didn’t move his arm from my waist, and we settled into an easy stride, falling in step without any effort from either of us.
It felt so familiar, and yet so foreign. I’d walked by his side the same way more times than I could ever count, but it had been so long. A lifetime ago, it seemed.
The haziness of my whiskey buzz only served to enhance the surreal qualities of being back in Cedar Creek, back in Seth’s embrace, and back to a version of myself I thought I’d lost forever.
I didn’t want it to end. It felt right being with him. It felt good to laugh again. To be understood. To be known. To feel safe.
It was almost like an alternate universe where I could see how it always should have been, and I wasn’t ready to let go of the comfort of that just yet.
But as our journey drew closer to its end, my thoughts were at war.
Part of me wanted to throw caution to the wind in every imaginable way and invite Seth inside to see what other memories we could revisit. But another part of me couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that Metro Man was in some way connected to Chicago and the mistakes I’d made there.
“The place looks good,” Seth said as we walked up the stone path to the porch of my grandmother’s house.
“Thanks, but the credit goes to my cousin Garrett. He moved in here when Gran died, and he spent a nice sum on renovations inside and out. He even gave the house a fresh coat of paint and some updated landscaping just before I moved in.”
Seth looked around with an appreciative nod as we climbed the steps to the porch. “Where’s Garrett now?”
“He works for a law firm in one of those high-rise buildings in downtown Orlando. He got tired of the commute and moved to a condo overlooking Lake Eola, a few blocks from work.”
“I knew I hadn’t seen him around town in a while. How’s his sister? Gigi?”
“Good, I guess,” I said as I pulled the house keys from my purse. “Still living in Hawaii, so life can’t be that bad.”
“Yeah, she was telling me about island life when I saw her at your grandmother’s funeral. Sounds like she loves it there.”
“Wait,” I said, holding up my hand with a slight shake of my head. “You were at Gran’s funeral?”
“Of course. I had to pay my respects. You know I always loved your grandma. I stopped by and checked on her now and then after you left. She was a sweet lady.”
My eyebrows scrunched together, and my eyes narrowed as I replayed Gran’s funeral in my head, searching the memory reel for any sign of Seth.
“I never saw you,” I concluded.
He shrugged. “I didn’t think you’d want to. I came in at the last minute and sat in the back, and I left once the service was done.”
“You were at my grandmother’s funeral, and you didn’t even say hello?”
“Dani,” he said with a scoffing chuckle, “you hadn’t spoken to me in years. You’d stopped taking my calls when you left, and everyone I talked to in your family at the time made it clear you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I figured it was a difficult enough time for you to say goodbye to your grandmother. I didn’t want to cause any drama or create any tension. I got in, I gave my condolences to several members of the family, and I got out.”
My mouth dropped open and then closed again. “No one ever told me you were there.”
He shrugged again. “I don’t know why. It’s not like I asked people not to say anything.”
I had wondered if he would show. I’d thought about it the entire flight home from Chicago. It was the first time I’d been back to Cedar Creek since leaving him, and I’d fretted over what I might say if we came face to face.
I’d told myself that I hoped he wouldn’t come, but then when I thought he hadn’t, my heart had hurt with disappointment. Now, to think that he had been there all along made me wonder how things might have turned out differently if I had seen him.
After spending time with him tonight, there was no denying the attraction between us was still strong. Would we have rekindled our connection then? Would we have begun talking again? And if so, would that have kept me safe from the destruction Victor brought into my life?
I couldn’t imagine that I ever would have fallen for Victor if I’d still had any hope with Seth. Looking back, I could acknowledge that much of the reason I allowed myself to be swept along in Victor’s wake was loneliness and a yearning for connection and passion in my life.
If I’d had Seth…I shook my head to dispel the train of thought.
“What? What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing. I just can’t believe you didn’t even say hello.”
I unlocked the door and turned back to face him, uncertain of my next move. Should I risk inviting him in? Even without the possibility of a hitman waiting in the shadows, was it safe for either of us to take this further?
Seth hadn’t moved from the edge of the porch where he stood at the top of the steps. He didn’t seem eager to come inside, and I frowned, disappointed that the decision appeared to have been made for me.
“All right, well, I guess I’ll be going,” he said, his hands shoved in his pockets. “It was nice seeing you. I appreciate the apologies, and, you know, everything you said before.”
I nodded, my heart in my throat. With every fiber of my being, I wanted to invite him to stay. I wanted to be back in his arms, his lips against mine, his hands on my skin, and my body beneath his.
It would likely be a great night, but it was a bad idea, and I struggled to convince myself of that by trying to explain to him.
“I would ask you in, but it’s probably not safe.”
His eyes widened. “Is that what you think? I know we joked about it, but trust me, I wouldn’t make a move on you while you’re in this condition. You’re perfectly safe.”
Shaking my head, I took a step toward him, eager to explain.
“That’s not at all what I meant! I would be thrilled for you to make a move on me right now.” I frowned when I realized I’d said that out loud. God, I was such an idiot. I was only making things worse. “Forget I said that, please. What I meant was, I have a lot of things going on in my life that are not normal, okay? I made decisions in Chicago that have had long-lasting consequences. Things I can’t explain, but believe me when I say, you’re better off not involved.”
“I understand,” he said with a quick nod as he looked away and then back to me. “But hey, tonight was a fun stroll down memory lane. You take care, and I’m sure I’ll see you around town. I’m glad we can be friendly now. We can, right?”
Nodding, I opened my mouth to tell him the truth—that I was only trying to look out for him—but I knew that if I explained my fears about Metro Man to Seth, it would only make him want to protect me. It would only serve to get him more entangled. The only way I could truly care for him was to let him walk away.
“Yeah. Of course, we can,” I said, even as my heart screamed, “Ask him in, ask him in.”
My mind tried hard to ignore my heart’s pleas, but then he turned and walked down the steps, and I was too selfish to allow him to go. I told myself there was likely no real danger. That I’d been imagining things. That the only real threat I was facing was Seth being gone from my life again.
I’d just gotten him back a couple of hours ago. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.
“Wait,” I said, and he paused and looked back at me. “You’re already here. I might as well go ahead and start your whiskey lesson now. I mean, if you’re up for it.”
His gaze turned toward the street, and I knew he was likely weighing the same options as me, but with different stakes. He didn’t know our lives could be in danger. He only knew I’d hurt him in the past, and I was certain that factored into his decision-making process.
So faint I could barely make out the words, he swore beneath his breath and whispered, “What the hell am I doing?”
Then, he turned back and climbed the steps.
“I suppose I could come in for a few minutes.”
And just like that, the decision was made to bring Seth into my complicated, messy life.
“Oh! Wow. You’re in luck.” I was on my knees in front of the small liquor cabinet my cousin had left behind when he moved out. “Garrett has a better whiskey selection than I thought. I hadn’t done much digging around in here since I tend to stick to my favorites—oh, what do we have here?” I reached deep into the back of the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Balvenie Scotch. “Nice!”
I stood and went to retrieve a wooden cutting board from the cabinet next to the stove. “I don’t have an official oak board, so you’ll have to make do with this for our whiskey flight.”
Seth laughed and rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. “You’re cracking me up. I’m telling you, I don’t like whiskey. You really don’t have to go to all this trouble.”
“I promised you a whiskey lesson.” I pulled shot glasses from the upper shelf of the cabinet by the fridge and then frowned. “Uh-oh. Looks like we’re gonna have a mismatched set.”
“I didn’t stay for the whiskey, okay? I stayed because I enjoy your company, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. Can we maybe just sit and talk?”
“Of course. We can sit and talk while we sample whiskey. Here, take this to the living room.” I handed him the cutting board with the glasses stacked on top of it, and I carried as many bottles as I could manage and then made a second trip.
Once I’d gotten everything arranged on the coffee table and poured a sample in each glass, I sat next to Seth on the sofa.
“Is this one Japanese?” he asked as he picked up the Mars Iwai Tradition. “I had no idea Japan made whiskey. Wait, why do they spell it without the ‘e’? That bottle, too.” He pointed to the Big Horn Canadian whisky and began to check the other labels.
I shrugged. “I don’t really know why, but I think only the United States and Ireland have the ‘e’. I know Scotland, Canada, and Japan spell it without the ‘e’, and I haven’t drunk from anywhere else really to know.”
He tapped the lids on the Old Elk and the Cooper’s Craft. “And these are bourbons. U.S. whiskeys, right?”
I grinned, pleased at his interest. “Right. Completely different process for those. The distilleries have to follow very strict procedural guidelines to be classified as a bourbon—like it has to be at least fifty-one percent corn, for instance—and they regulate what kinds of barrels can be used, what proof it can be, and how long it needs to age. I won’t bore you with all the specifics though.”
