by Jack J. Lee
If you are in fact funny and you’re no longer afraid to approach women, try something like this: all throughout college and into my postgraduate one of my favorite places to meet women was in libraries. I had to study anyway, so it was nice being able to kill two birds with one stone.
I’d try to find a table with a pretty girl and sit across from her. I’d make eye contact with her as I arranged my stuff and then I’d completely ignore her for at least two to three hours. Pretty girls are used to getting attention. They expect guys hit on them or stare at them nervously. You know how it goes. You look at them until they start to look up and then you jerk your eyes away. Dude, I hate to tell you this, but she knows you’re looking at her. And the odds are quite high she thinks you’re a loser. Try not to do the same thing as every other clown, and you’ll become more intriguing.
I generally took a break after a few hours of studying. I’d leave my stuff at the table and go to the restroom or get a drink of water. If the girl was still there when I got back, I’d make eye contact with her as I sat down and give her a quick pleasant smile and then I’d go back to ignoring her for at least another hour.
By ignoring her for so long, I was signaling to her that: one, I wasn’t a stalker. And two, I wasn’t desperate. Neither quality is appealing to women. Finally when I felt the time was right, I’d catch the girl’s eyes. When you do this don’t look away and try not to look nervous. After I was sure I’d gotten her attention, I’d scribble down a note and then slide it over to her.
I’d write, ‘I’d like to buy you a cup of coffee but I don’t want to bother you. If you’d like a cup, please smile. If you don’t, please bang your head on the table three times.’
The girl almost always smiled. There’s nothing better than ending a long day of studying with a date with a pretty girl. I hope you’ve noticed that no lies or falsehoods were used during the commission of this pick up.
If you want to use this technique or something similar, you need to start off by being honest with yourself. Comedy is all about timing. If you don’t get the timing right or you’re exuding the stench of fear, this technique won’t work.
Perhaps the previous technique is too high level for you. Let’s go to a simpler one that doesn’t involve humor. Go to your favorite coffee shop and hang out. We are all social creatures. Most of us do better when we have friends—at least one wing man—to support us. If you can, bring friends. It’ll be easier to pick up women if you have moral support. Use your peripheral vision to study the women around you.
Please don’t do the nervous staring and looking away thing. There’s an interesting difference between men and women. Women tend to be hypersensitive to being looked at. They can almost always tell when a guy is looking at them, whereas guys are almost always oblivious to the fact that a girl is focusing on them.
It happens all the time; years after the fact, some girl comes up to you and tells you she was attracted to you and you had no idea at all. I can guarantee that she was looking at you often and you didn’t notice.
My theory is that women have evolved being hunted, so they’re instinctively hyperaware; men have evolved to do the hunting, so they’re oblivious.
As a rule, women who are happy in a relationship don’t check out the merchandise. Women who are available do. If a woman takes a quick glance at you every fifteen minutes or so, it doesn’t mean she’ll sleep with you or that she desperately wants you. It means she’s open to being approached by you.
If you see a woman checking you out and she’s attractive—that’s great. She’s the one you want to approach. If she’s not that attractive, pretend you didn’t notice her looking at you. Let her think you’re just another oblivious male—it’s the polite thing to do. If no one is checking you out, just focus on the girl you like the most.
Now that you’ve homed in on a particular girl, use your peripheral vision to study her carefully. Does she look like a student? Is she an artist? Does she look like someone who’d write poetry? Can you tell what she does for a living? Look for something that is not just about her physical beauty—something that is individual to the girl you’re interested in.
Once you come up with something, it’s time to be the heroic nerd—gird your loins for battle and stare directly at her until she looks up. Remember you’re the hunter, she’s the prey. Smile and then walk up to her and say, “I noticed you have paint on your fingers, are you an artist?” or “I don’t know why but I got the vibe you write poetry?” It doesn’t matter if your guess is wrong or right. It matters that you aren’t using a line used by a thousand other guys. It matters that you took the time to look for something individual on the girl you’re approaching.
Bad habits are hard to break. When you see a woman who is mind-numbingly stunning, it’s difficult not to do the nervous stare and look away thing. If you find yourself doing that, try to force yourself to NOT jerk your eyes away. It’s difficult to quickly change the look of panic into a smile, but it’s fairly easy to turn a look of panic into a blank stare. Meet her gaze for a second while keeping your face expressionless. Once you get control of your face, smile. Hold that smile for another second, and then casually look away. Congratulations, you’ve just converted the stench of fear into the cologne of confidence.
I was once at a college party with a couple of martial arts buddies. They’d never seen me hit on a girl so when the topic came up, they didn’t believe me when I told them I was a player.
I looked around for the prettiest girl in the room. She was about my height, had dark red hair and green eyes. I stared at her until we made eye contact. I made sure she saw me check her out from her head to her toes and back up again. Then I gave her my best appreciative smirk. Women have a binary response to this technique. They either get pissed or they become intrigued. She didn’t look offended, and I went back to talking to my friends.
I did the same thing a half an hour later and again she looked interested. My friends and I were standing next to the beer. I figured that sooner or later she’d come by. About an hour and a half after I first made eye contact with her, I noticed she was standing a few feet away from me talking to someone else. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked, “Are you here with someone?”
She turned and pointed at a guy across the room. “That’s my boyfriend.”
I asked, “What do I have to do to steal you away?”
When she answered with a warm smile and said, “Oh, I don’t know”, my friends who were listening started laughing so hard they almost fell over.
I found out she was having trouble with her live-in boyfriend and wanted to move out. It was exactly the kind of drama I didn’t want any part of, so I made my excuses quickly and left the party without her. The next day when I was training with my friends, they admitted I had skills and then proceeded to kick my ass, which was what usually happened when we sparred. I was better with women. They were annoyingly better in martial arts.
My friends couldn’t believe that I had the cojones to ask a girl if I could take her away from her boyfriend the first time I talked to her. They didn’t realize I’d been flirting with her for an hour and a half before I first said a word to her. From the way she’d reacted to my appreciative gaze, I knew before I asked that she was open to being stolen.
One of the things men lose sight of when they’ve been rejected by women is that in general women are more social than men. As a group they tend to want to be in a relationship more than we do. We’re motivated by our desire for sex. They’re driven by a desire for long term companionship. I don’t want to sound absolutist—of course men want relationships and women want sex but there is a distinct difference between the sexes in the importance they place on these two things.
Imagine how you’d feel if a woman you didn’t know, out of the blue told you she wanted to be in a committed monogamous relationship with you. I’d feel sick to my stomach and want to run. Now, you have a glimmer of a typical woman’s gut reaction after she’s been sexua
lly propositioned by a stranger.
In their own way for their own reasons, women want to date as much as men. Try not to lie to them. Try not to inadvertently insult them by focusing just on their looks. Use a different line than everybody else. Use your eyes and body language to show them you’re confident. Put enough thought into your opening line to make it individual to them, and you don’t have to be a stone-cold confident player to successfully pick up women.
Picking up women doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game. There doesn’t have to be a winner and a loser. It can be a win-win for both you and the woman you’re trying to pick up. I know it sounds a bit saccharine, but both of you are ultimately looking for love. Karma works. What you throw out into the universe comes right back. Make your pick up attempt a positive experience for the woman. It’ll be better for you if you do.
Chapter 4: Harness the power of positive thinking
Being delusional is generally harmful. Being positive is usually helpful. The difference between the two can be subtle. Try to use the grey zone between the two to your benefit.
There are a number of published psychological studies that show that if every day you write down the things that you’re grateful for, you’ll become measurably happier, your blood pressure will go down, and you’re less likely to become sick. There are huge benefits to being positive.
There are times when it’s clearly delusional to believe that a girl likes you. If you ask a girl out and she says no twice, the odds are she doesn’t like you no matter what her excuse is. The first no could be a result of extenuating circumstances. The second no should be absolute confirmation. Move on, ask another girl out. In this age of sexual harassment claims and date rape charges, no must ABSOLUTELY mean no. You may not think you’re being scary or too aggressive, but you really can’t be certain of what she’s thinking and you DO NOT want to become an inadvertent rapist.
There will be plenty of times when there isn’t enough information available to know if a woman likes you or not. In this case, there’s absolutely no benefit in automatically assuming a woman doesn’t want you. Try not to fill your head with unproven, unnecessary negative thoughts.
Until she says no, assume she’ll say yes. There’s no downside to looking at the glass as being half full. Unless there’s irrefutable proof to the contrary, let yourself believe you’re attractive.
Every woman who hasn’t said no to you can be viewed as a woman who wants you. You may be wrong, but what’s the harm? Try an experiment when you need your spirits lifted. Walk down a busy street and say to yourself, ‘She wants me’ every time you pass a pretty girl. A smile will soon come to your face and eventually you’ll have to fight to keep from laughing. You may be incorrect but you haven’t harmed anyone. There’s nothing wrong with boosting your mood with a bit of harmless positive thinking.
Chapter 5: Use the power of pity
When you saw this title, you thought I was going to teach you how to get pity. You never want a woman to pity you; you want to pity her.
You’re at a bar and you see an attractive girl out with her friends. Hopefully, you’ve learned by now not to do the nervous stare and look away thing. From now on we will call this the ‘Prey-animal’s flinch’. Don’t take on the mannerisms of a prey animal. She’s the prey, you’re the hunter.
You’ll be using your peripheral vision to scope her out without her knowledge; you’re using the ‘Hunter’s gaze.’ Be the powerful hunter. It’s okay if this kind of role-playing seems funny or ridiculous. The whole point of the exercise is to stop feeling weak. Women are repelled by weakness and attracted to power. If becoming a hunter makes you feel powerful, be the hunter. If becoming the hunter makes you laugh—laugh. When you’re laughing, you are not afraid.
You watch her as she tries on a smile and says a few things to her friends. She then takes a quick glance around the room, takes a sip of her drink, drops the smile and looks bored. Boredom is what you’re looking for; this is your signal to cut her from the herd. If she doesn’t look bored, find another target. You want to be a net positive in a woman’s evening, not a net negative. If she’s already having fun, there’s too much risk that you’ll just be bothering her.
Okay, she looks bored. You watch her look up with a hopeful expression as a guy approaches her. Single women go to bars for the same reason single guys do; they want to meet someone. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for you, most of your competition are incompetent, bungling novice hunters. You watch as the guy uses the “Oh you’re so beautiful” line and gets shot down.
Pay particular attention to the loss of hope tinged with despair that shows up on her face once she realizes the guy is another dud. By now, if you’re doing this exercise correctly, you’re having fun and she’s not. It’s okay to feel sorry for her. In fact you want to feel as much pity for her as you possibly can.
In the pit of your stomach, feel how unfair it is for a beautiful woman to be bored in a bar full of single men. In your mind, examine the huge advantage men have over women. We have game consoles; they don’t. We have instantaneous access to hours of mindless fun; they don’t. Even if the woman had an Xbox, it wouldn’t help. She doesn’t have the capacity to enjoy an Xbox. She’s like a child born without fingers who wants to play the piano. It’s a human tragedy! How horrible would it be if you were incapable of enjoying a game console?
When your heart is overflowing with sadness and pity, convert your Hunter’s gaze into a Predator’s gaze. Stare directly at her and when she meets your eyes, smile at her with every emotion you’re feeling. It’s okay if there’s a little bit of laughter in there too. Keep looking at her until she’s absolutely certain you’re going to get up and walk over to her, and then don’t. Turn your head away from her and ignore her completely. Don’t use your hunter’s gaze. Don’t even look in her direction for at least a half hour.
Women want powerful men. Mentally placing yourself in a position of power isn’t harming her. You want her to be thinking, ‘Who is that guy? Why did he smile at me like that? Is he laughing at me? Why isn’t he looking at me again?’ because now she’s no longer bored. With just a look and a smile, you’ve improved her evening. You’ve become a gift-giving altruist bringing joy to those around you.
Try to feel the pressure of her gaze on the back of your neck. You’d be surprised; it’s possible to sense someone looking at you without actually seeing them do it. After a half hour has passed, make eye contact with her again. This time don’t smile. Put on your best puzzled look. Walk up to her using a firm confident stride, never losing eye contact and ask, “I’m sorry if this sounds forward, but have you been looking at me?”
If she blushes, you’re on the right track.
This technique isn’t for everyone. It may or may not fit your style. It’s worth considering because it shows how to use your mental energy to pick up woman. Your thoughts will be reflected in your body language. If you’re having fun, if you are laughing on the inside, a girl will be able to sense it. And the odds are she’ll be attracted.
Chapter 6: Use your good-looking friend
We all know guys who are ridiculously good-looking. They don’t ask women out because sooner or later the women usually ask them out. If you have a friend in this category, he’s a valuable resource you can exploit. Once you explain the deal to him, he’ll be willing to go along because he has an issue too. Women pick him; he never gets to choose the girl. He’ll be interested in an opportunity to talk to the girl he wants.
Edmond Rostand’s 1897 play ‘Cyrano de Bergerac’ is about an articulate man with a monstrously large nose who has a gorgeous, inarticulate friend. Both Cyrano and his friend fall in love with the same beautiful woman. Cyrano doesn’t even try to win her because he knows he’s ugly. His friend asks Cyrano help him. He uses Cyrano’s words to get the girl. It’s a tragedy because the woman actually falls in love with Cyrano, but she ends up with the wrong man. If you ever want a self-serving chick flick with the theme that ugly smart men
are better than handsome dumb men, check out ‘Roxanne’ with Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah. It’s based on Rostand’s play.
You can channel de Bergerac without jumping into a tragic love triangle. Go to a bar with your good-looking friend. Let’s call him John. Have John pick out any pretty girl as long as she has an attractive friend.
Women are used to saying no to guys trying to pick them up for themselves. They’re flabbergasted when they come across a guy who is trying to pick them up for someone else. They don’t have a prepared response and they don’t know how to say no. There’s also a heck of a lot less stress on you because the worst that can happen is your friend gets rejected, not you.
All John has to do is sit far away looking studly; since that’s the only weapon in his quiver, he’ll be good with that. Go up to the girl, let’s call her Marsha, and tell her the honest truth. John is attracted to her but he’s too shy to come over. List every single positive trait he has and tell her that all she has to do is go up to him and say hi. If John was listing his great traits, he’d be bragging; it wouldn’t go over well. Since you’re the one praising him, everything you’re saying must be true.
In all the times I’ve done this, I’ve never had a girl refuse to talk to my friend. I can’t say this enough; single girls go to bars for the same reason single guys do. As long as you make it fun for them, they’ll want to talk to you.
Escort Marsha over to John and give them some privacy. Go back to her table and wait with her attractive friend who now thinks you’re funny, unique, and interesting. It’s a win-win for everyone. Once again, you’ve brought joy into the universe. You ARE the gift that keeps on giving.
Chapter 7: Reach out and touch her
Okay, you’ve made your pitch and she’s responded positively. You’re talking to the girl. What do you do next?
