by Lora Leigh
“I feel bad for Lacey, though.”
“Lacey has to grow up, too, and face the consequences of her actions.”
Harsh words. But Rick was right. Lacey had made the choice to be with Bo, to do drugs, to let that lifestyle overtake her. Lacey had been blind to who he really was. Surely there had been signs …
“Do you think she knew?”
Rick shifted, put his arm over the top of the sofa. “About what?”
“About Bo using her to run drugs.”
“I doubt it. Or maybe she suspected something and was too blinded by love to face the truth about him. Or too afraid. I don’t know. I don’t know much about love and how people behave when they love someone.”
“You’ve never been in love?”
He smiled. “No. Have you?”
“No. Well …”
“What?”
It occurred to her as soon as he asked her that she wanted to tell him how she felt. But the thought of putting herself out there, making herself vulnerable like that, made her stomach twinge. Should she tell him about these feelings? They were so new, even to her, she hadn’t wrapped her head around them yet.
She had to. Because otherwise he was going to walk out of her life without ever knowing how she felt. That might be how she was raised—to keep her emotions to herself—but she wasn’t going to continue to live that way. Besides, he’d come all the way to Mexico to see her. Surely there was something between them.
She took a long drink of water and set it down on the table—without grabbing for a coaster. A monumental start. She took a deep breath, and let it out.
“I’m in love with you, Rick.”
His eyes widened. “What?”
“I’m in love with you. I want to be with you, to continue this—whatever it is that we have together—after today. I want to ride with you for a while and see where it goes. I don’t want to lose you.”
Oh, shit. Rick was simultaneously filled with a stab of incredible joy and utter panic.
No woman had ever told him that she loved him. Hell, he couldn’t even remember his parents telling him they loved him, or if they did he’d never believed it. Love had to be expressed in action, otherwise it was just empty words.
That Ava did was something he hadn’t expected. He had no idea what she saw in him, but he was damn glad she did. She was beautiful, smart, and adventurous. The thought of having a woman like her by his side filled him with a warmth he’d never felt before.
Was that love? Maybe it was. But he had no room for love in his life. And he sure as hell couldn’t be in love with Ava Vargas. She was his assignment, not his girlfriend. And he couldn’t even tell her who he really was or what he did for a living.
Fuck. This was bad. Really bad.
And maybe she really didn’t love him. She was just leaning on him because of everything that had gone down with Lacey. Her best friend had just been shit on by the man she loved. Wouldn’t it be natural for Ava to see—to want—a different outcome for herself?
That was probably it. She didn’t want to be screwed over by a guy like Lacey had. She wasn’t really in love with him. She just didn’t want to get dumped.
Ava laughed and grabbed his hand. “Say something, Rick. I just put my heart in your hands.”
Son of a bitch. His gut twisted because he knew exactly what he had to do.
He pulled his hand away and stood, dragging his fingers through his hair. His heart pounded and his palms began to sweat. Hell, he’d walked away from plenty of women in his lifetime. It had always been easy. Why wasn’t this easy?
“Ava, we had a great time together, no doubt about it. But my life is solitary and I like it that way. I don’t do relationships.”
Her smile died instantly. And a part of him died with it. The hurt in her eyes was palpable. He felt like someone had just stabbed him in the heart with a knife.
“Oh.”
“Look, darlin’. I think you’re beautiful, intelligent, sexy, and I had a great time with you. Let’s just leave it at that.”
She nodded and stood. “Sure. You’re right.” She grabbed his coat from the other sofa and handed it to him, refusing to meet his gaze. “You should probably go. It’s getting late and I have a lot to do tomorrow.”
He felt like an asshole. He was an asshole. But if he lingered any longer, he’d pull her into his arms and kiss those tears away that trickled down her cheek. He’d tell her that he was in love with her. He’d tell her who he was. He’d fuck everything up.
He needed to get out of there and fast.
She opened the door and he stepped outside, turned to look at her. “I’ll see you later.”
She raised her gaze to his, her eyes glittering with tears and her lips lifting in a tortured smile that wrecked him. “No, you won’t. Good-bye, Rick.”
THIRTEEN
It took Ava two days before she could leave the house. Two days of crying, of feeling empty inside. Two days of feeling stupid, of feeling just like Lacey must have felt.
She’d fallen in love with Rick, and had been blinded to the reality that he’d felt nothing for her. She’d been fun for sex, and that was all. And when it was time for him to walk away, he’d done it so easily.
Oh sure, he’d appeared to be having a difficult time, his expression pained, his tone one of regret. But he’d still walked and done so without thought of hurting her. And right after she’d declared that she loved him.
How naïve could she be?
Obviously she and her best friend still had more in common than she thought.
She’d called Lacey, who’d gone home to her parents. She said she was resting and trying to get over what Bo had done to her. She was already involved in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation program. Other than that, she had no plans beyond avoiding drugs and alcohol and clearing her head. Ava promised to go see her as soon as Lacey was up to visitors.
And as soon as Ava was up to it, too.
Right now her only intent was to head to campus and start redirecting her focus back on school. It was time to get back to work. Burying herself in her search for a school for her Ph.D. would take her mind off Rick, off ridiculous notions of love and bike riders and living the wild life, which wasn’t her at all.
Her life was clean tabletops, bare walls, and buried emotions. She should have known better.
After showering and packing her laptop, she straightened up her apartment and was just about to grab her purse and head out the door when the doorbell rang. She opened it, shocked to her toes to see her father standing there.
“Dad?”
Her father was still as imposing as ever, filling her doorway with his frowning persona. Even at sixty, with his full, thick head of salt-and-pepper hair, he was still robust as ever. And still as intimidating as he’d always been.
“Ava. May I come in?”
“Of course.” She stepped aside and he moved in, scanning her apartment as if he were looking for something. Or someone.
“Would you like some coffee? I don’t have any made, but it would only take—”
He waved his hand. “No. Not necessary. I just wanted to check on you, to see if you were all right.”
She cocked a brow. “Of course I’m all right. Why?”
“I got the report about your activities with the Hellraisers. Have you finished cavorting with this biker gang now?”
Ava inhaled and sighed, then moved away to sit on the sofa. Her father had always known every move she made, especially since he took public office. It irritated her, but she tried to remain oblivious to his interference. He mostly just kept tabs on her without getting involved. Then again, she usually never did anything for him to get involved with. “And how did you know about that?”
“I’ve known about it for some time now, ever since you started hanging out with Lacey and that undesirable boyfriend of hers. Do you have any idea how that would look for me if you were involved in illegal activities with the Hellraisers?”
How nice of him to look aft
er her welfare. Then again, he was more on the mark than Ava cared to admit. “Well, I’m fine. And I won’t be hanging out with them again.”
“I’m glad to hear that, especially since you barely escaped federal drug charges at the Mexican border. Good God, Ava, what were you thinking?”
The blood in her face drained, leaving her cold. “What did you say?”
“You heard me.”
“How did you know about that? Did Lacey tell you?”
“I don’t speak to Lacey and you know that. I’ve never thought that girl was an appropriate friend for you.”
Ava’s stomach knotted. No one was good enough for Ava according to her father. After all, Lacey’s parents were blue collar. Not the right connections for the great Senator Vargas’s daughter. She tried to love her parents, but their narrow-minded view of the world made it so damn hard.
“So if you didn’t hear it from Lacey, how did you know?”
“Because I’ve had you under surveillance. The Feds put someone undercover to watch you.”
“What? Are you kidding me? When?”
“As soon as you hooked up with the Hellraisers for bike week.”
No. That couldn’t be. She would have noticed. She always noticed. Her father had security personnel tailing her all the time. She’d become an expert at dodging security detail when she wanted to be alone with a date, or go out with her friends. Security personnel were always so obvious. And if there’d been a federal officer …
Undercover.
Undercover in the Hellraisers? Who? And why?
Her curiosity turned to anger. “You had me watched? I want to know why.”
Her father took a seat on the sofa across from hers. She noted the crisp, perfectly starched line in his trousers, thought of her mother. Everything so perfect … nothing out of place.
“As you can imagine, there was some concern about my daughter being involved with a gang suspected of heavy involvement in drug distribution. You know I head the committee drafting major antidrug legislation. I told you that when you made contact with Lacey after she joined that gang.”
Ava rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t joining the gang, Dad. I was trying to reach Lacey.”
“Nevertheless, imagine how it would look if you somehow got tangled up with this gang, with drugs, and me heading this committee. It could seriously undermine this important legislation.”
Yes, God forbid the legislation be harmed.
“And you were so worried about the harm I’d do that you put someone undercover to keep an eye on me.”
“To protect you from harm.”
Bullshit. More likely to preserve his reputation.
“And it turns out my fears weren’t unwarranted. Look at the mess you got yourself into. It’s a good thing we had a federal agent on hand to save the day.”
Instantly it clicked. Rick. Oh, God, it was Rick. He was the federal agent.
That’s why he’d “dumped” her. That’s why he’d nearly run out of her apartment that night. He couldn’t tell her who he really was. Then again, maybe she was just his assignment and nothing more. Maybe he didn’t care about her.
Or maybe he did, and he wasn’t supposed to.
God, she had to know, had to talk to him and find out.
“I want to talk to this federal agent.”
Her father shook his head. “Not possible.”
“It’s possible and you know it. I want to see Rick and now.”
Her father raised his brows. “You do not speak to me that way, Ava.”
Ava stood, so angry she could barely breathe. “Look. You’re the one who set me up. Do you think I’m such a child that you couldn’t have just come to me and talked to me rationally about your concerns? I’m an adult, Father. I understand legalities and your job and your reputation and PR. But no, you continue to worry more about the shit I might step in and how it might affect you, and worry less about how I feel. So now I don’t care how you feel. I need to talk to Rick.”
Her father looked stunned. Good. It felt damn good to finally unload her frustrations on him.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. You have always been treated well.”
“Yes, like a caged pet.”
Her father stood. “I don’t need to listen to this.”
“Find Rick for me.”
He shook his head. “Getting involved with an undercover federal agent is unacceptable.”
She rolled her eyes, frustration knotting her stomach. “Oh please. He’s a federal agent. How much more aboveboard can it get?”
“No. I won’t have it.”
Then she realized her father’s refusal had nothing to do with Rick, or even her. It was about him, his political career. He didn’t care how she felt, never cared about what was important to her or what she wanted. Somewhere down the road he’d probably find some lawyer or politician that he thought would be a good match for her. Love didn’t matter with him. It never had. There was no love between her parents, so that shouldn’t surprise her. He’d expect her to be dutiful and find a man who would cement his political career.
Hell could freeze over before she allowed that to happen.
She marched to the front door and opened it. “Good-bye, Father.”
“We’ll speak again soon.”
Not likely.
She closed the door behind him, blinking back the tears that pricked her eyes.
Now she had no idea how to find Rick, no clue which branch of the government he even worked for.
And without her father’s connections, she was afraid Rick was lost to her.
FOURTEEN
“He’s moping.”
“It’s pathetic, really.”
“He might need an antidepressant.”
“Or, I could beat the shit out of him.”
“I’m in the fucking room, assholes.” Rick refused to turn around and acknowledge the other Wild Riders, who’d decided to give a verbal report to their superior officer, General Grange Lee, on the state of Rick’s emotional health.
General Lee rounded the corner of the main living area, where Rick was trying to lose himself in a video game.
“Is that true? You moping?”
“No, sir. I’m playing video games.”
“Yeah, he’s playing video games,” Diaz said, coming around to stand next to Grange. Diaz crossed his arms and stared down at Rick. “And he’s sucking at all of them.”
Grange arched a brow. “Rick, sucking at video games? You’re the house champ.”
“I’m a little off my game.”
AJ leaped over the sofa and grabbed one of the controllers. “Seriously off his game. Even Jessie can beat him.”
“Hey, dickhead, I heard that.” Jessie sauntered into the room, stuck out her tongue at AJ, and linked her arm with Diaz’s. “But seriously, Rick, you do look kind of sad.”
“I’m not sad. I’m not depressed. I’m not moping. Why don’t you all leave me the hell alone?”
“Now what fun would that be?” Mac asked as he came in, an apple in his hand. “You know none of us get to have secrets.”
“I don’t have any secrets.”
“He’s hung up on his last assignment,” Spence said, leaning his beefy frame against the doorway.
Rick had just about enough. He tossed the controller on the table and stood. “My last assignment is over.”
“Yeah,” Spence said with a laugh. “And that’s your problem. You fell in love with her.”
“Spoken by someone who knows all too well what it’s like to fall in love while on assignment,” Jessie teased.
Spence nodded. “You got me pegged, darlin’. In fact, my lady is waiting for me at home. My paperwork is done, Grange. I’m outta here.” Spence pivoted, but stopped and half turned. “Rick, trust me. If you love her, go tell her. The ache doesn’t go away.”
“I don’t love her.” But he couldn’t look at any of them when he said it, because that was his problem. He couldn’t stop thinking
about Ava, couldn’t get her face out of his mind. He didn’t like the way he’d left her, the things he’d said to her. He’d hurt her. It was wrong.
“All of you, go find something to do. You, come with me.” Grange motioned to Rick. And when Grange commanded, you went.
The rest of the team scattered, and Rick followed Grange into his office. The general shut the door and they took seats in front of the general’s desk.
“Okay, so this Ava Vargas. You love her?”
Leave it to Grange to be direct. “I don’t know.”
“Then go find out.”
“She was an assignment. She doesn’t even know who I really am.”
“Then go tell her.”
“Her lifestyle isn’t conducive to—”
“Boy, quit drumming up excuses. You guys had shit for upbringings, and very little love in your lives when you were younger. If it comes to you now, don’t spit in its face. Now get on your bike, go back to Las Vegas, and see if you can find a way to make it work with this woman.”
And just like that, it all fell together. Grange was right. “Yes, sir.”
The fresh air of campus had done a lot to clear her head. Seeing the colorful trees lining the sidewalks, stopping at a bench to eat lunch and soak up the fall weather all helped keep her mind off Rick. Spending time at the library and working with the counseling office to investigate different schools’ Ph.D. programs kept her busy enough that Rick didn’t creep into her mind until she crawled into bed at night. Only then did his face appear before her, only then did her mind dredge up memories of his hands on her, his mouth on her. Only then did her heart ache from missing him.
So she spent as much time as possible on campus, and she went to the gym for a couple hours every day, hoping by the time she fell into bed at night she’d be physically and mentally exhausted.
Her backpack filled with brochures and laden down with her laptop, she took a brisk walk from the library on her way to the administration building, breathing in the crisp air.
She paused when she heard the revving sounds of a motorcycle approaching behind her, sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, and shook off the moment of melancholy.
The bike would pass her shortly, and so would the feeling of loss.
