Could I do that? He was giving me the choice. That's what I'd wanted when I left New York. If I shut him down without consideration, I took away his choice to be honest, maybe even wipe both of our slates clean. There was no other option.
“Fine. After you quit.” Listen or not, it was going to be on my terms.
“Like I’ve said more than once, but you seem to tune out, I quit. ” Eric crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not working for your parents. Haven’t been for a while. That’s what I’m asking you to believe.”
“If that’s true, then you should have told me all of this before I found out on my own. The day I talked to my mom, you could have said something, but you didn’t.” He didn’t argue, didn’t disagree with me. Just accepted. Not even an explanation. “Bye, Eric. You need to leave.”
I didn’t know what else to do but put some space between us. Have a moment to myself. He wanted me to believe in him, well, I needed to sort everything out. Analyze both sides of the story.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
When I walked through the halls the next day, everything felt off. People were talking all around me, but I heard nothing. Arms brushed against me in the hallways, but I felt nothing. My world was a gray haze, even though the sun blazed outside.
At lunch, Eric sat next to me, but there was a new distance between us. Since the first day, I’d known when he was near me. I felt calm when he was around. Now, we could have sat at different ends of the room and still been closer than just then. I wasn't sure if he was giving me space, or if there was more to it.
The distance hurt, and deep down, my soul knew something was missing. My stomach was tied in knots so tight I felt like I'd spent hours doing sit-ups. No matter how hard I tried to unclench my fists, it didn't work, so by the time my last class rolled around, I had half moon indentions all over my palms.
Alec's arm snaked around my waist and pulled me back half way to class. My feet slipped against the freshly buffed floor, causing me to nearly fall on my butt.
“Alec, I'm not in the mood.” My voice was empty, but Alec didn't seem to care. He continued to tug me back from the door of the room until we reached the opposite wall.
When we could go no further, he twisted around me, so that I rested against the cold brick. His arms braced on either side of me. “Carissa, baby girl, what's going on with you today? You're a walking zombie.”
“Did you know?” My voice hitched when I asked. I wouldn't shed tears. I was angry and hurt, but I’d done enough crying lately.
“Did I know what?”
I shook my head frantically. “Never mind, I've gotta go.” I sidestepped Alec and made my way back to class.
Before I got two steps away, he pulled me toward the front door of the building. “You're skipping class and coming with me. It would seem you need to talk.”
I didn't fight him. He was right, even if I didn't want to admit it. Alec was the only person who knew my parents—that's the way it should have been. Luling was a new start away from New York.
Alec didn't take me far. We stopped at the bottom step of the main entrance. As I looked over my shoulder at the front doors of the building, my mind flashed back to orientation. The brilliance of the sun and smell of fresh air invaded my senses. For just a minute, the dreary state I'd been in all morning washed away. I remembered thinking life would change, be better than before, but apparently, I was wrong. Life had changed, but so far ,I was on the fast track of returning back to the way things were, rather than getting better. At least it had only taken two years.
“What. Is. Going. On?” Alec insisted.
When he ran his fingers through my hair and down my back, I shivered. The last couple of weeks left me worried, scared, and full of an emotion I didn't want to accept. Fear of the direction things now headed, fear of what this meant between Eric and me, fear of my parents.
“My parents paid Eric to be my secret bodyguard. He's been watching me since day one and giving them a weekly report on my activities.”
“He's been doing what?” Alec's voice cracked at the end of his question.
I nodded. “You heard me. I'm not going to repeat it.”
“And what did you say to him? I hope you aren't planning on dating him any longer.”
A few minutes passed before I said, “I asked him if he quit. He said he had.”
Alec's brow furrowed.
I continued, “Eric isn't someone I can just let go. I know that what he's doing—or did—is wrong. I do, I promise.” I touched Alec's cheek to get his attention. “Alec, I need you as a friend right now.
“I want to try and work things out. If I didn't love him it wouldn't be a big deal to walk away from him right now. But all day, while I'm pissed as hell, I've been thinking about him. Wondering whether or not he was telling the truth. When I called Mom before I left for San Francisco she’d been telling the truth. They had hired him. I don’t know when he quit. But I’m worried about what will happen now that they aren't helping financially. Lunch about killed me. We sat next to each other, but it felt like we had a world separating us. I know you don't know how it feels. You've never been in love, and maybe it's not love. With the way things have gone the last couple of weeks, this could be the remnant of emotional overload. Either way, I can't just let him go.
“You're my rock, and you know that. Without you, I never would have left New York. Please, Alec, please don't leave me over this. There's only one person who I trust with my sanity. You. You're the only person. As strong as my feelings for Eric may be, right now I don't know if I can do this. My fucking parents and their crazy ass way of making people think they care is hell on me. But you, Alec. I trust you. I need you.”
His skinny arms wrapped around my waist. They were nothing in comparison to Eric’s, but the warmth he provided as a friend was exactly what I needed.
“Carissa, I'll be here for you because you're like a sister to me. But I swear on my uncle's life, if he hurts you, I will do the same to him. You mean too much to me. As your friend, I won't let you make a stupid decision and get hurt.”
His piercing stare scared me. Alec was serious. He'd hurt me if that's what it took to keep Eric from hurting me. The worst part was, I knew I'd forgive Eric before Alec. And what kind of friend did that make me? A fool in love is what.
“I think you were right to tell him you needed some time. Listen, Logan's got something planned, and when he tells you about it, I think you need to go with him on it.” Alec rubbed his hands up and down my arms wiping away the goose bumps even though it was warm outside.
“I'll think about it. Look, I'm gonna go back to my place and try to get some sleep.”
* * * *
I grabbed my sketchpad and went for a walk later that evening. My favorite spot in the nearby park was empty. I took advantage of the full moon and spent some time people watching those who were also walking. I observed their movements. The way couples held hands or looked at each other as they sauntered down the path, and the way a female runner's hair swished back and forth as she ran along the path.
My muse came to life as I watched the leaves blow in the wind and the shadows of the moon dance across the park. So many of my ideas came from inspiration I gained while sitting on the park bench taking everything in. Being there at night exposed me to different sights and sounds than during the day. Rather than birds singing, owls hooted. Chirping crickets could be heard all around, and the shadow of the moon formed faint outlines of croaking bull frogs on the water. Mist rose from the surface of the pond before whipping through the sky.
The bench creaked and shifted until I looked to my left to find Alec sitting next to me. His leg propped up on the bench, watching me carefully. “Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, just needed some fresh air. I took a nap earlier and couldn’t go to sleep tonight. Go figure.” My eyes drifted to my sketchpad. Instinctively, my fingers moved over the page, a rough sketch starting to take form.
“Why is it so
easy for me to think about running back into his arms? I mean, I hate my parents. I haven't talked to them since I left. I know I've called them occasionally to offer birthday wishes or wish them a Merry Christmas, but not like a real conversation. Eric's been watching me, spying on me. I finally find out, get pissed off, then want to run right back into his arms. You said to listen to my heart, and I am. But it doesn't make any sense why Eric has such a different effect on me.”
Alec held his arms out and motioned for me to slide over. As I scooted into his side, he stretched one leg out so I could move closer and snuggle up to him. He wrapped both arms around me and kissed my head. “Baby girl, you aren't screwed up. You're in love. You know you are, but the feeling is still new. Yeah, what Eric did was shitty. And yes, you have every right to be pissed off. But, I'm not sure it means you have to leave him altogether. I know he loves you.”
I tilted my head up to see his expression. Alec had such an animated face. Looking at him was the best way for me to see the truth. “Yeah.”
Alec and I sat on the bench for a while, not talking just watching. My thoughts drifted from one thought to the next, always coming back to Eric and me.
“How are you and Sean?”
“We're good. He's sweet, but we won't last.”
I glanced at Alec. “And that's okay?”
He chuckled. “Yeah, it's fine. I like him. We go out and have fun. It's all I'm looking for right now. He's a great kisser too, which is an added benefit.”
That was Alec, never one for long term relationships, only wanted to have fun and meet new people, but not ready to settle down. I thought that was the way I would be. Eric wasn't my first boyfriend, just the first one I loved.
“So what are you going to do?” Alec asked.
I thought about what Eric had done and put myself in his shoes. I couldn't, without a doubt, say I wouldn't have done the same thing. Knowing my parents and how they manipulated people, refused to back down when they were being denied something they wanted, I imagined how I would have handled the situation. In the chance that I would have made the same choice, then how could I stay angry with Eric?
“I dunno. I want to be mad at him, but it's impossible. I don't think it's entirely his fault. Granted, I don't understand the motivation behind everything, but I guess I can understand it to some degree.”
“Makes sense to me. Good thing we are like-minded.” Alec laughed and ruffled my hair.
“I'm going to go to New York.” I had no clue where that came from. Going to New York was at the lowest of any to-do list.
Alec stiffened behind me. “You're going to do what?” his voice lowered at the end of the question.
“I'm going to New York.” When I said it a second time I knew it was what I needed to do. I was mad at my parents, and I needed to confront them. I also wanted Eric to meet them. “I'm going to take Eric to meet my parents.”
“Okay, you know what I said about you not being crazy?”
I nodded.
“I lied. You are certifiably crazy. In fact, I think we should take you to the hospital now.” Alec pushed me forward. “What in the hell would possess you to go to New York?”
“It just seems like the right thing to do. If I were to go to a shrink, they'd tell me to face my fears. Well, I think I'm going to go face my fears.”
“I think it's time for you to go back to your place and get some sleep. If you wake up in the morning still wanting to go, let me know.”
I shouldn't have been surprised by Alec's reaction. Now that he knew what had happened, he would fight the hardest to keep me from going back. I knew that, but I was pretty sure he was wrong about me needing some sleep. It wouldn't make me change my mind. “Fine.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
After deciding to go to New York, the days passed in a haze. Eric didn't call, but I didn’t call him either. It seemed we had a mutual understanding that now wasn’t the time to hash it out. Why did it feel like as soon as he’d convinced me my mom had been wrong, the world crumbled? Because it had.
“Carissa, you've got to snap out of this. Eric's been acting the same way. What's going on with you two?” Logan asked.
We were at lunch. Since Mari had come to my place and we’d gotten to know each other, the awkward conversations and tension with Logan stopped. Our friendship morphed from a friend with a crush to a friend who I felt like maybe I could confide in. Get a guy's perspective. Alec would give me his, but it would have been biased.
“He is?” I asked.
“Yeah, you didn't know?”
“Umm, no. We haven't talked in a few days.”
“Want to tell me about it?”
“Yeah, I do. But I won't. It's between us. But thank you for offering.” I still hadn’t given his journal back, so I pulled it from my bag and sat it in front of him. Maybe if it were no longer in my possession I’d quit reading those words over and over. “Sorry it’s taken so long for me to return it. I kept forgetting.”
He looked at the leather-bound book, and his eyes grew wide with understanding. He didn’t say anything, just nodded at the source of my latest problem. “Anytime. If you change your mind, just say the word.”
“I will.”
My afternoon was open, once my Drawing 201 professor canceled. Going home to an empty apartment wasn't a good idea. If I did that, then I'd brood over my problems. So I sat with Logan, picking at my lunch, wishing Eric would reach out to me. More than once I pulled up his number, my finger hovered over the call button, and then I would put it away. I didn't want to pressure him.
But he’d said he wouldn't run. My arms lay on the table, and I lowered my forehead to rest on them. A catnap while Logan studied didn't sound like a bad idea.
Logan's voice filled the silence around us. Since I was lost in my own world, I didn't pay attention to what he said. A sharp point poked me in the arm. I lifted my head and looked up from beneath my lashes. Eric stood next to me, his arms crossed over his chest.
“Hello, princess.”
His voice made my insides simmer. “Hey.”
“I've missed you.”
“But you haven't called or tried to see me.” I was tired, depressed, and frustrated. While I didn't mean to sound harsh, it was hard to control my emotions.
“Would you have answered or paid attention if I had?”
I sighed. “No, probably not.”
“That's my point. So anyway, I just wanted to say hi and give you this.”
Eric handed me a small notebook. One of those pocket-size spiral ones that old people and nerds carried around. This one had a tie-dyed cover on it. The color mixture caught my attention. It was a custom made notebook, and he'd used one of my abstract pieces for the cover. Wow.
Inside, he'd written me a story. It was our first date through his eyes.
The brick wall I built around my heart cracked just a little. This was a start, a good one. The thoughtfulness he put into the gift surprised me.
Over the next few weeks, a pattern developed. Eric began texting me throughout the day, then calling. We'd talk for a few minutes—mostly small talk—but he always wanted to know how I was doing. Only when I prompted did we get into how things were with us. Wednesday and Friday became my favorite days of the week.
Every Wednesday, he hand delivered an item or collection that reminded him of us. Some of them were works of art and some were funny. My favorite—second to the notebook, of course—was a collage of carnival pictures. He'd cut them out of magazines, glued them onto construction paper, and framed the whole thing. If I'd had doubts before, they were gone with that gift—Eric was no artist or craftsman. Dancing was most definitely what he needed to continue doing.
Friday's were date nights. He came to my place or we went out. They weren't dates like you would go on with a boyfriend, but friendly outings. We went to watch Logan play once, I attended one of Eric's shows, and on the third night, he made reservations at one of the nicest restaurants in New Orleans. Five-course meal
and all the romance you could ask for. It was that night that I came to my senses and knew if I didn't make amends soon, there was a good chance I would lose him. Regardless of his promise to stay, a person could only give so much without receiving something in return.
Like the gentleman he'd shown he was, Eric dropped me off at my place on Friday with a kiss on the cheek and promise that he'd talk to me soon. Talking wasn't enough though, I wanted—needed—more than that. Our dates were great; they gave us a chance to learn more about each other. But I missed the closeness we shared. Sitting on my couch, snuggled next to each other eating popcorn, those were the nights I wanted with Eric.
On Saturday, I sent him a text to have him meet me at my park bench for lunch. After all he'd done for me, I had to return the effort. Having a picnic lunch sounded like the perfect plan. The weather had been cooperating over the last week, not too hot and not too cold. I could draw and people watch while he relaxed however he chose. Then we'd head back to my place for the night. If Eric was up for it, I wanted him to crash there. Wake up with me curled into his side the next morning.
At noon, we both sat on the purple park blanket I'd laid under a tree. We were in the same park we'd gone to for the Sage concert. Closer to the footbridge that I found that night and fell in love with.
“Eric, I can’t tell you how much everything you’ve done has meant to me. But…”
“You still aren’t sure you’re ready to take me back.”
I shook my head. No, I wasn’t.
“I still don't understand why you didn't tell me.”
“If I’d told you in the beginning, would you have even given a thought to the possibility of dating?”
I shook my head. Of course I wouldn't have. But at least I would have known from the beginning that he had an offer from my parents. “Okay, but what about once you knew you had feelings for me? Why not say something then?”
“Because I tried to get out of it. I called your parents and told them I was done. I didn't want to do it anymore, it wasn't worth the money. They told me if I backed out, they would just find someone else to do the job. Then they increased the monthly payment amount. At that point, I didn't want anyone other than myself watching you. Honestly, I didn't think you'd ever find out. And up until now you hadn't.”
Love and Lies Page 16
