As I traversed the great frozen tundra of Brooklyn, I saw dozens of igloos tagged with fresh graffiti. I watched mothers explaining to their children that the yellow snow was not Italian Ice, and I heard the howls of half-starved native coyotes in search of a meal—although that could've been some of the rap stars who live on Seventh Avenue practicing for an upcoming concert.
Ice, ice, baby . . .
Somewhere near Prospect Park I spotted a group of wayfaring strangers huddled around a trash can that had been set ablaze. As I warmed my hands and nibbled on a frozen Nutter Butter, I paused for a moment to reflect on the calamity that had befallen the Big Apple—this beast of a storm—this snow-pocalypse. I mean, honestly, I thought the scientists told us snowstorms were a thing of the past—near extinction because of global warming.
If you believe the climatologists, we're on a slippery slope to the hothouse. Glaciers are melting, polar bears are homeless, and those cute little dancing penguins are treading water.
"The survival of the United States of America as we know it is at risk,"2 former Vice President Al Gore told the Associated Press in 2008. You might remember that the former vice president wrote a book about global warming, An Inconvenient Truth.3 I bought several extra copies just a few days before the snow-pocalypse hit. I needed something to weight me down during the blizzard.
Gore wasn't the only one hollering doom and despair. FOX News reported that the head of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration delivered some bad news to the White House.
"The science is pretty clear that the climate challenge before us is very real," said Jane Lubchenco. "We're already seeing impacts of climate change in our own backyards."
That very well may be the case, but how would I know? My backyard was buried under twenty-four inches of snow.
Here's the inconvenient truth: this has been a winter of historic snowfall from coast to coast. They were even building snowmen in Pensacola, Florida—the Redneck Riviera. I hear the locals there are considering putting a bid together to host the next Winter Olympic Games.
As I was contemplating our frigid fate, I managed to catch a glimpse of The New York Times, our nation's paper of record. The record snowfall, they opined, was indeed evidence of global warming. It's getting colder, they explained, because the earth is getting warmer. Having trouble following that logic, folks?
I don't want to bore you with all the scientific mumbo jumbo so I decided to conduct an experiment to verify their rationale. I took my nearly frozen copy of The New York Times, set it on fire, and whaddya know—global warming!
As bad as it is in New York City, other parts of the nation suffered, too. Places like Atlanta and Akron, Ohio. One poor fellow's house was buried under ten feet of snow. Desperate neighbors reportedly sprayed industrial-sized cans of hair spray directly into the atmosphere hoping to cut through the ozone layer.
Supporters of climate change blame all sorts of calamities on mankind's mistreatment of the earth—from wildfires in California to the devastating earthquakes that hit Chile, Haiti, and Japan. President Obama told the nation, "We can't control nature."
Well, if that's the case, why are we even debating global warming? Friends, I suspect the inconvenient truth of the matter is that nature was never in control. The Bible is pretty clear that not only did God create the heavens and the earth, He also controls the heavens and the earth. In other words, throw another log on the fire, make a snow angel, and relax—God is in control.
And here's another inconvenient truth: it's freaking cold out here, y'all.
Snowicane, snow-pocaplyse, call this global warming catastrophe whatever you wish. But if you ask me, it's just a big snow job.
10
Christmas at the White House
While most Americans were hauling out the holly, President Obama was about to haul out the baby Jesus. It seems the First Family was planning to celebrate their first Christmas in the White House by having a "nonreligious Christmas."
Former Social Secretary Desiree Rogers reportedly told a gathering of former social secretaries that the Obama family did not intend on putting the nativity scene on display, a longtime East Room tradition.
The account was reported in the Fashion and Style section of The New York Times. The White House confirmed to the Times that there had been internal discussions about making Christmas more inclusive, but in the end tradition won out, and the nativity scene is once again in its traditional East Room spot.1
I called the White House to find out what in the world was going on. They, in turn, directed me to the president's theologically inaccurate speech he delivered at the lighting of the national Christmas tree.
"Tonight, we celebrate a story that is as beautiful as it is simple," the president said. "The story of a child born far from home to parents guided only by faith, but who would ultimately spread a message that has endured for more than 2,000 years—that no matter who we are or where we are from, we are each called to love one another as brother and sister."
In truth Jesus came to save the world. And the message that has endured for more than two thousand years is that "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16 KJV).
Anyway, all this talk about evicting baby Jesus from the White House has Protestants and Catholics up in arms and, quite frankly, dumbfounded.
"If President Obama wanted to fuel the fears of every serious Christian in American and actually prove that he is every bad thing they've ever heard about him on every crazy Web site, the idea of symbolically taking Jesus out of the White House at Christmas would be just the ticket," wrote Eric Metaxas in a commentary for FOX News.2
Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League, accused the president of trying to "neuter" Christmas. "It should come as no big surprise that he and his wife would like to neuter Christmas in the White House," Donohue said. That's their natural step—to ban the public display of Christian symbols.
"It is the business of the public to hold them accountable for the way they celebrate Christmas in the White House," he added. "We know one thing for sure: no other administration ever entertained internal discussions on whether to display a nativity scene in the White House."
There was a time not so long ago that our elected leaders were unashamed of the glory and majesty of the Christmas season. Consider these words, written by President Reagan and delivered as his Christmas message to the nation in 1981:
Nancy and I are very happy to send our warmest greetings and best wishes to all those who are celebrating Christmas. We join with Americans everywhere in recognizing the sense of renewed hope and comfort this joyous season brings to our nation and the world.
The Nativity story of nearly twenty centuries ago is known by all faiths as a hymn to the brotherhood of man. For Christians, it is the fulfillment of age-old prophecies and the reaffirmation of God's great love for all of us. Through a generous Heavenly Father's gift of His Son, hope and compassion entered a world weary with fear and despair and changed it for all time.
On Christmas, we celebrate the birth of Christ with prayer, feasting, and great merriment. But, most of all, we experience it in our hearts. For, more than just a day, Christmas is a state of mind. It is found throughout the year whenever faith overcomes doubt, hope conquers despair, and love triumphs over hate. It is present when men of any creed bring love and understanding to the hearts of their fellowman.
The feeling is seen in the wondrous faces of children and in the hopeful eyes of the aged. It overflows the hearts of cheerful givers and the souls of the caring. And it is reflected in the brilliant colors, joyful sounds, and beauty of the winter season.
Let us resolve to honor this spirit of Christmas and strive to keep it throughout the year.
Even President Kennedy embraced the true m
essage of the Christmas season. The official White House Christmas card of 1963 was the first to include a religious image. The card featured a color photograph of the nativity scene in the East Room of the White House.
Presidents have actually been sending Christmas cards like these since 1953. But President and Mrs. Obama decided this year's card needed to be more inclusive of the holiday season. So they selected a card that simply said, "Season's Greetings."
The card reads: "May your family have a joyous holiday season and a new year blessed with hope and happiness."
There is no mention of "Christmas," and that has at least one Republican lawmaker a bit puzzled.
"I believe sending a Christmas card without referencing a holiday and its purpose limits the Christmas celebration in favor of a more 'politically correct' holiday," Congressman Henry Brown told me. A few days later he introduced a resolution calling for the protection of the sanctity of Christmas. Dozens of lawmakers, Republican and Democrat, cosigned the bill.
"This kind of reproach is exactly what my Christmas resolution is against," he said. "The resolution expresses support for the use of Christmas symbols and traditions and disapproval of all attempts to ban or limit references to Christmas."
All of this made me decide to call the White House again and follow up on my question regarding the nativity scene issue with a new one about this Christmas card controversy. The hired help said the Obama family celebrates Christmas, but they recognize that other Americans are celebrating other holidays, and they wanted the Christmas card to reflect that idea.
Former President Bush, for his part, was more than glad to acknowledge the reason for the season. In 2008, his final Christmas in the White House, the president and First Lady sent cards including a passage from the New Testament. "Let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven" (Matt. 5:16).
Barry Lynn is the executive director of Americans United for Separation of Church and State. He said President Obama may be unfairly targeted.
"It makes perfectly good sense for a president of all the people, all the two thousand different religions and the twenty million nonbelievers in this country, to send out a card that says this is a good, happy time of year but without referring to any one specific religion," he said.
I'll keep that in mind the next time the White House sends me a Fourth of July card that reads, "Season's Greetings." Heaven forbid we offend the British.
But back to the Christmas decorations. I'll admit, it's hard enough decorating my five-hundred-square-foot New York City apartment for the holidays. I can't even begin to imagine how they decorate the White House. Few of us envy the daunting task facing First Lady Michelle Obama—preparing the "People's House" for days of festive parties, tours, and receptions.
So I'm not surprised Mrs. Obama enlisted the services of a decorator to turn the White House into a winter wonderland. I'm only surprised she found her man in Simon Doonan, the creative director of Barneys New York. As described by The New York Times, Doonan is "famous for creating naughty yuletide window displays of Margaret Thatcher (as a dowdy dominatrix)."3
"Our starting point was a very simple idea," Mrs. Obama said in a White House video, "that we include people in as many places, in as many ways as we can." She wanted to make sure that "everyone feels like they have a place here at the White House."
And by everyone, that includes transvestites and Communist dictators.
The centerpiece of the White House Christmas celebration is the official tree, a Douglas fir rising more than eighteen feet tall. And the 2009 tree was decorated with ornaments depicting Chairman Mao and drag queen Hedda Lettuce.
Just in case you missed the subtlety, folks, the White House Christmas tree was decorated with a murderous dictator and a guy dressed like a woman.
The story was initially reported on Andrew Breitbart's Web site. "This story struck a nerve because it perfectly illustrated an administration that is either tone deaf or has contempt for the millions of Americans who look at Christmas as a traditional Christian holiday," he told the Web site Mediaite.4
Well, that about wraps up this Christmastime dispatch from our nation's capital, reporting on what some inside the Beltway are calling Tinselgate. As you sip eggnog and nibble on holiday goodies, I hope your heart finds good cheer in the words of that most wonderful of Christmas songs: "May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white."
And by white, I don't mean to be racially insensitive.
11
Baby Jesus, Planned Parenthood, and the White House
Did the White House really consider removing the nativity from the East Room? It seemed hard to believe. I was still wondering if I'd gotten the full story. But if anyone knew the inside scoop, it was my buddy Smitty. He's a Washington institution. He was in the Beltway before there was a Beltway.
Smitty's base of operation is a nondescript coffeehouse a few blocks from the White House. I caught the Delta shuttle from New York City one morning, took a cab from Reagan National Airport, and arrived at the coffee shop to find Smitty sequestered in a corner vinyl booth.
After exchanging pleasantries, I got right to the point: was the nativity scuttlebutt really true?
Smitty's shoulders dropped, and he let out a long sigh.
"That was a difficult situation," he admitted. "There were hours and hours of debate over what to do."
Well, that was a relief. At least it wasn't some sort of rash, last-minute decision.
"Hardly," he said. "The First Lady's social secretary actually commissioned a White House special committee on whether the nativity was politically incorrect. Some of the nation's most well-respected atheists, agnostics, and Wiccans were invited to testify."
I thought it was a bit odd that the committee didn't have any religion experts, but Smitty's explanation seemed to make sense.
"There were some constitutional issues," he said. "We wanted to respect the separation of church and state, but we certainly didn't want to alienate the other side. We reached a compromise by inviting esteemed religion professors from Harvard and Yale to testify."
Initially, he said, the committee had considered keeping some of the main components of the nativity. However, after much debate, that decision was considered problematic.
"Take Mary and Joseph for starters," he said. "We felt like leaving them would send the wrong message to sexually active teenagers."
But didn't Mary give birth to her child? Doesn't the Christmas story contain a pro-life message?
"Exactly," he said, pausing to take a sip of coffee. "And that was Planned Parenthood's point. So we decided it would be appropriate to remove Mary and Joseph."
What about the three wise men?
"Affirmative action issues," he replied. "There were also some concerns about diversity. Why were the only wise people men? Could there not have been a wise Latina? And don't even get me started on what happened with the shepherds."
I couldn't imagine what issues the White House would have had with shepherds tending their flocks.
"They weren't union," Smitty replied.
Based on my recollection of the Gospel of Luke, that left only a handful of characters, most notably the angels.
"Yeah, a chorus of flighty guys wearing dresses," Smitty said as he removed his glasses. "I don't need to tell you about the issues involving those stereotypes."
It seemed as though the only politically correct part of the nativity was the livestock.
"Well, that's what we thought, too," he replied, as he wiped his glasses with a handkerchief. "The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals signed off on the plan. They said it appeared the animals were well cared for. But then we received a cease and desist order from the Environmental Protection Agency."
The EPA?
Smitty motioned for me to move closer. He looked to his left, then his right before whispering in my ear. "It had something to do with the sheep," he said.
The sheep?
"According to a new government study, sheep pose a significant danger to the environment," he replied. "Our scientists have determined a twenty-pound sheep can release the equivalent of thirty-seven pounds of carbon dioxide."
Sheep gas? The federal government actually commissioned a study on sheep gas?
"It's nothing to joke about," he said. "A twenty-pound gassy sheep could blow a hole in the ozone."
By the end of the day, the White House special committee on whether the nativity was politically incorrect eliminated Mary, Joseph, the wise men, the shepherds, the angelic choir, and the sheep. The only remaining component of the nativity was the most important, and according to Smitty, it was the first to go—the baby Jesus.
"That was a no-brainer," Smitty said. "Religion has absolutely no place in the nativity."
And one would assume that was the end of the story, but we know that something miraculous happened in that meeting, something that saved the Christ child from eviction.
"You can thank Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac," he said. "Can you imagine the political ramifications of evicting an impoverished young family in this economy? The powers that be thought it would send an insensitive message to the electorate to do something like that, especially during the holiday season."
So that's the news from the nation's capital, friends—at least the way it was told to me. The nativity is safe for at least another yuletide season. But next December, don't be surprised if the folks at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue are singing "Away with the Manger."
12
Dispatches from Bitter America: A Gun Toting, Chicken Eating Son of a Baptist's Culture War Stories Page 5
