I need to speak. I need to stop wringing my hands and losing blood from my face.
A toe touches my knee. “Kite, is it?” Kin dubiously asks.
Kettle runs his palm up and down in front of my face. “Are you okay?”
I sigh and sigh again; I forget to breathe back in and cough.
Kin’s toe is still on my knee, and he taps it once. I look up into his dark eyes, the sun splintering through the branches of the willow behind us. They’re stars. I blink. Stars caught in the net of rope-like branches. Stars are like secrets. They need to fall. Let them fall.
Kin squints and leans forward, his finger pointed accusingly at my nose. “I know you,” he says and the stars start tumbling to the ground, burning holes in the lawn and singeing my skin.
I flinch.
Kettle glances at me sideways. Kin’s finger still lingers in the air and I gulp, waiting for it to turn to a fist. I close my eyes. Anger equals yelling equals violence. That’s what I know.
I hear Kettle sigh deeply, exasperated. “Kin,” he starts with a worn sound to his voice.
“You. You’re the girl I was going to marry!” Kin exclaims, hands up in the air, like it finally all makes sense to him.
My eyes pop open. “What?”
Kin stands and we stand with him. He’s laughing, holding his stomach with one hand, the other supporting himself on the chair. “That little girl you were with snapped my suspenders. Kettle, remember?” Kettle nods like he does remember. My mind tracks back to that day, and then I stare at Kin more closely. The memory unfolds. Inside is a box full of lightbulbs. One lighting up for every lie I’ve told and every truth-bearing word they utter. I remember him. I remember Kettle too. A voice rich and dark like hot-poured coffee.
I place a hand on my heart and whisper, “Oh.”
“Yeah.” He looks me up and down, smiling. His handsome face is painted with a new emotion I don’t recognize. “Pretty girl like you… After our encounter, I thought I would seek you out… show you a good time… and then, you couldn’t help but fall in love with me.”
Kettle snorts and shoots Kin a look so dirty that he stumbles back a little and falls into his chair.
Relief doesn’t feel as good as it should. They don’t know it was me in the subway, but that doesn’t ease anything. Not a thing. My hand goes to my throat, which feels hot and flushed like I’ve fallen into poison ivy.
Kin is still talking, a big, amused smile on his face, “We would have beautiful mixed race babies you and me. They’d look like Kettle…”
My head snaps to Kettle, who crosses his arms and snaps, “Shut up, Kin.”
How do I make this better? How do I stop this strangling feeling?
Kin ignores him. “We’d be in the Times. High-society girl marries homeless Nisei,” he teases, but I can barely hear him. I’m seeing that day through Kettle’s eyes. Watching me being stretchered away while his brother lay dying on the platform. It’s killing me. I’ve hurt the only person who’s helped me.
His kindness will turn. It will turn.
“Kin, shut your trap,” Kettle warns, his voice rising in volume.
The words written in my mother’s will rise from the grass in smoky wisps of vapor. Until I turn twenty-one or marry, whichever comes first. That money could help us all. It is a clear solution. Marry Kin. Get the money. Take care of him, the boys, and Kettle. That would make it right.
“We could, you know,” I whisper, my words as tiny as the dewdrops kissing the skin of my legs.
Kin stops laughing, confused. “Could what?”
“We could get married,” I say warily and with regret.
More laughing from Kin. Kettle is silent but for his angry breathing mixing with the swish of the sad, sad willow branches.
“When I marry, I stand to inherit a great deal of money. It could help all three of us. It could solve a lot of our problems,” I say unconvincingly.
Kettle takes a deep breath in. He’s learning this all for the first time, and I can tell it’s upsetting him.
I turn to him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I’m sorry I’m lying to you, all the time. So. Many. Lies. But maybe if I do this, my father’s identity won’t be as big a deal. Maybe.
Kin’s eyes light up. He puts a hand on his heart and says in a breathy, feminine voice, “This is all so sudden.” Then more seriously, “Well, I do turn eighteen in a few days’ time.”
How did we get here so fast?
Kettle blows air through his nose slowly, and I count to ten. I don’t know why we’re both looking to him for permission but somehow, that’s where we are.
“No,” he says. “No way.” There is a look being exchanged between the two of them, a silent conversation and an understanding. Kin shuts his mouth and tries to stop grinning.
Kettle faces me, looking like a disapproving father, tapping his foot and shaking his head.
“But it could be the solution to all of our problems,” I say, only half-believing my own words.
He shakes his head again. From the kitchen, Miss Anna shouts, “Cookies!” Our heads all swing in the direction of the house and then fall back on Kettle.
Kin smirks. “Cookies sound good, don’t they, Kettle?”
Kettle won’t move. “You’re not marrying Kin,” he states flatly.
Kin’s eyes go from Kettle to me, Kettle to me. “Well, well, well…”
I blink at Kettle and open my mouth to speak. He puts his hand up in my face, blocking my view of everything. “Don’t look at me like that. You’re not marrying me either.”
I frown. He’s being unreasonable. Not thinking it through. Am I?
The smell of chocolate chip cookies wafts over from the trays the women are carrying around the yard. “Well, there goes your chance to marry up in this world,” Kin says to me with a wink, pointing to the sky.
Kettle snatches a cookie from the tray and snarls at Kin. “Don’t wink at her. Just… don’t.”
It makes us both giggle, even though I know there’s seriousness to come.
Kin and I take a cookie each and nibble at them, melted chocolate smudging our fingers. “Thanks, Tenpin!” Kin says with a smile.
Miss Anna giggles and slaps at him with her praying mantis arms. Then she looks at Kettle and me. “He has a nickname for everyone around here.”
Kettle laughs, and I love the sound of it. “I don’t doubt it.”
The subject of marriage is dropped for the moment, although I can see it typing lines in Kettle’s brain. We talk about the ladies who run the place, Kin’s rehab, when he might come home. I observe them, saying little. Their interactions are easy. Brotherly. And my heart aches.
Frankie, I miss you so much.
“I can’t come home. At least, not to that home,” Kin says sadly. “Kettle, you know I won’t be able to get around down there. If I came back to the city, it would have to be to a real apartment. Preferably Eastside, ground floor, great view, hardwood floors…” he jokes.
He doesn’t mention my suggestion of marriage again, but I know he’s thinking about it. He’s hinting to Kettle.
“You’ll be fine. We’ll make it work, once you’re better,” Kettle says, lightly punching him in the arm. The action makes me flinch, and Kin catches my response. There’s something in those dark eyes. They see more than his mouth lets on.
When it’s time to leave, the ladies make us promise to visit again soon.
Kin manages to walk us to the door, taking a break halfway down the hall. It pains me to watch him struggle and to watch Kettle’s reaction to that struggle. I might as well have kicked him in the stomach.
Kin leans his tall frame against the doorway and smiles.
“I’ll come see you on your birthday,” Kettle promises.
Kin looks over the top of Kettle’s head and down on me. I blush. “And you? Will I see your beautiful face again, Kite?”
“I hope so,” I say with a weird flutter in my voice.
Kettle stalks past
us both, makes it to the first step, and then swings around. Quite suddenly, he rushes Kin, throws his arms around his neck, and hugs him tightly. I hear him sniff and then they break apart. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he says.
“I’ll see you soon,” Kin promises.
We turn and walk down the path. When we reach the gate, Kin shouts, “Goodbye, future wife!” He chuckles as the door closes.
Kettle’s silence is unending. It eats at me, takes pieces and won’t give them back.
The boys eat noisily at the card table. Kettle sits on his bed, hands clasped between his legs, just staring at the wall. The arch over him makes me think of an upside-down horseshoe, all the luck just tumbling out.
I find a drink in the grocery bag and take it over to him. It drips with condensation, and water slips from the bottle and onto the leg of his pants.
He grabs the bottle, muttering, “Thanks.”
I sit down on the chest, the one full of all my mother’s things, and sigh.
“I can’t marry you,” he says.
“I know.” I stare at the floor. I don’t really want this anyway. So I shouldn’t be disappointed.
“It’s just, it’s not how things are done. It shouldn’t be like this. If we were going to… I would ask… and…” I fill in all the missing words, but I find myself more confused. He flips the conversation. “That girl, the one who flicked Kin’s suspenders, who was she?”
“My sister,” I say softly, trying to close the door before all the lies come flooding out.
He sighs, disappointed. “You didn’t need to lie to me about her. I kinda guessed she might be.”
“If you knew, why didn’t you say something?” I ask, my lies resist, but they’re being forced open. One down, two to go.
“I figured you’d tell me when you were ready,” he says. “Is she still with him? Your father?” He cringes when he talks about him. Will that change?
My voice is weak, cracked, “I don’t know where she is. He took her away.”
Kettle’s dark blue eyes shine like the sun bouncing off the deepest sea. “I can help you find her. You helped me. Let me help you,” he says, and my heart wants to reach for the hope he’s offering, but I just can’t. If he knows her name, my name, things will change. I now realize how stupid it was to suggest marriage. Once he and Kin learned who I was, it all would have evaporated. I’m the daughter of their defender, one of the men fighting for justice on behalf of the Japanese Americans who were interned during the war.
If I married Kin, there would be so many questions I wouldn’t be able to answer. The truth about my father and what he’s done to me could come out and the compensation case would be ruined.
I shake my head. “That’s not necessary. You’ve done so much for me already. More than enough.”
His hands are aflame, his eyes so earnest when they look at me. “Nora, what’s going on? Why won’t you let me help you? We need to find your sister and expose your father for the monster he is. The son of a bitch should be in jail.”
“You don’t understand. It’s not that simple.” My legs are matchsticks glued together. They buckle, they break.
“The hell it isn’t!” he shouts, and five heads swivel in our direction.
The truth is pushing at the sides of my head, looking for cracks. And then there are the real cracks that my father made. Slowly, they are pulling apart. I clamp my hands on either side of my head to try and keep my head together.
Kettle falls to his knees in front of me and puts his hands over mine. He lifts my face to meet his and gently pulls my hands from my eyes. “Nora, tell me why you won’t let me help you,” he says, sighing, his gaze following the tears that drip into my palms and race down my arms. “Just tell me.”
The floodgates open. “I was there. It was me. I’m sorry,” I say into my hands. He won’t forgive me. “I’m the ‘rich chick’, although I didn’t faint from too many drinks. I ran away after the beating of my life. Kettle,” I say, “I thought he was going to kill me. I had to run. Oh, but it didn’t take too long for the great Christopher Deere to find me.” I drop my head in shame. “I was free for barely an hour.”
Realization smacks us both in the face, hard. I said my father’s name. I want to shove it back in, but it’s too late. My arms stretch out to him as I see his expression change. “Kettle, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you who my father was. I knew it would change how you saw me, how you felt about me, and I wanted a chance to make my own impression before that happened.”
Kettle’s anger grows. His fists tighten and his face contorts. “Jesus! I can’t believe it! I can’t believe… you.” He points at me, and it’s like a sword to my chest.
It’s over. I stand and turn toward Kin’s bed, to the only place I’ve ever truly slept. “I’m sorry. I’ll go. I’ll leave.”
I’m shaking. I have nowhere to go. The mess I’ve made can’t be cleaned up.
The boys have all stopped eating, mouths open, staring at us from across the room.
Kettle makes a loud noise, a frustrated sigh. “Ugh!”
My limbs feel heavy. I knew it. He hates me. He can’t stand me. I quicken my pace to gather what little I have and get out of here before he shouts at me some more, before it all descends into punches and blood and bruises.
His loud steps approach and I swing around. I lift my hands to my face and drop to my knees, bracing myself for the pain. I tense, ready for strong hands to tear my arms away from my eyes, for fists to seek out my soft skin.
I wait. Wait. Listen.
I drop my arms to the saddest face I’ve ever seen.
“Oh Nora,” he says with breaking hearts and sorrow in his voice. “I’m not going to hit you.”
Relief fills me from my feet to my head, and I cry out softly. I am ripped-up paper. I am stomped-up trash blowing across the sidewalk. I am so broken because of him.
“I don’t want you to leave. I’m angry because you felt the need to lie to me, that you thought I’d turn you in, change my mind about you after I learned who you were. I’m not that guy. Your father is a bad man and no amount of money would ever make up for that. You hear me?” he says. “Christopher Deere is a bad man, and he needs to answer for what he’s done to you.”
These words are old and new. I know them, I’ve felt them, but for the first time in my life, I really listen. I open my ears, my eyes, and my heart. Kettle is right. Christopher Deere is a bad man and until I face him, this will never be over. It all leads back to him. This is all his fault.
I nod, sniffing, and trying to slow my breathing. Kelpie runs over to me, his face covered in sprinkles from the donut he just ate. “What’s wrong with Nora?” he asks, innocently looking up at Kettle.
Kettle leans down and wipes the crumbs from Kelpie’s lips. “Her name is Kite now.”
I’m a King.
I think I can talk. A calm is settling over me. A resolution is solidifying inside. Kettle’s warm expression extends over me.
“Kite—I like it. But it’s not as good as Kelpie,” Kelpie says proudly. “What was your name, Kettle, you know, before you became a King?” he asks, his eyes sleepy.
Kettle smiles. “I’ve had a lot of names. But I think my very first name was Hiro,” he says it as if it’s new to him too, like it’s the first time he’s ever said it out loud.
Hiro. It’s perfect.
46
Pretend
KETTLE
These feet don’t go anywhere. So how come I feel like we’re flying? That I’m passing over the world, lifting to the stars… and finally touching them.
Two sparks, almost simultaneous, growing to firelight dancing up the walls.
She sits up, the blanket curled around her like ripples in a puddle, her hands planted on either side. I can’t sleep either.
There are so many things she hasn’t told me. So many secrets. She glances my way, her lips parted in a sigh I’ve come to recognize. The one that means she beating herself up. We stand
and meet in the middle of the room. A candle flickers by her bed and by mine, the light arcing out in fading circles and nudging us closer together.
I take a step. She takes a step.
“Can’t sleep?” I ask. She nods, hair falling over her eyes. I want to touch it and wind it carefully over her ear, but with her, I never know what’s too much, too far. She grabs it herself and twists it together in one hand, pulling it over her shoulder. In her silence are words I need to find. Understand.
We stay in this never land between our two beds. My eyes fall to the back of the tunnel, the pile of cracked stones and slabs of concrete. I don’t want her in my room, or Kin’s. We move to the neutral, broken space and sit down on the floor.
Her eyes lift to mine as if to say, ‘Now what?’ as she plays with the pearl button on her blouse, which is now un-tucked and hanging over a far-too-loose pair of my pants.
I give her a smile. “Tell me about yourself, your life,” I say, slightly afraid of the answer. But I need to know.
“My sister, Frankie, was my life. After my mother died, I swore I’d protect her.” She shakes her head, her eyes hollowing into deep pools of liquid amber. “I tried. But I didn’t do a very good job.”
“Does he…?” I glance up from my crossed legs.
“Once, when she was a baby. And that day, the day I was at the subway station with you and Kin, well, it was because he was about to hurt her again, and I stopped him. I was the shield. I tried to run away with her.” She puts her hand to her head. “I was in no condition to run away.”
I wince at her words, the honesty in them, the way her body goes rigid and yet shakes at the same time.
“Let me help you find her,” I say again, leaning in, my hand wanting to touch her face, feel the blush under her skin on my palm.
[Paper Stars 01.0] Nora & Kettle Page 25
