Erin made a face.
"I thought you liked my parents."
"I do. I just haven’t seen them since way before we got married, and I feel a little funny about going to them now, knowing how I’ve misled them all these years. It was probably not the best idea."
"True, but it’s done. What can we do about it now?"
"Nothing, but I still feel kind of bad."
"I know. It’ll be okay though."
Erin hoped that was true.
Later that evening, Sean escorted his wife to his childhood home. After the very pleasurable interlude earlier that day, she was now dressed demurely in a pair of black slacks and a Christmas sweater. She had her oboe case in one hand and a folder of music in the other. She was also just about destroyed with nerves.
They were met in the formal living room where, in the bay window, a large real tree, strung with lights but not yet decorated, perfumed the air. The fireplace was lit and the room was cozy and cheerful.
Roger and Ellen rose to greet the arrivals. Roger approached first and engulfed Erin in a massive bear hug.
"It’s so good to see you," he said, "welcome to the family."
Erin’s eyes stung. It appeared that at least from this man, all was forgiven. She hugged him back, unable to speak. This was more than she had ever expected. When he released her, she gifted him with a sweet smile. Hers was nowhere near as glorious as Sheridan’s, she knew, but she did her best. He smiled back before turning to greet his son.
Erin turned to Ellen. This was not going to be the same, she saw.
"Erin," Ellen said coolly.
"Hello Mrs. Murphy. Thank you for inviting me."
Ellen nodded. Erin swallowed hard. Her mother-in-law was very angry. This was going to be awkward. One thing she did not want was to be the cause of problems between Sean and his amazing family. Somehow she was going to have to heal this breach. It was necessary, not least of all because her own mother was a dud, and she desperately wanted to be close to this one. She hoped her secrecy had not ruined that possibility for good. The two women regarded each other, Erin with longing in her eyes, Ellen with barely suppressed disapproval. Then Erin set her case and folder on the table and cautiously extended her hand. Ellen took it briefly. Erin remembered when Ellen had been willing to hug her, and grieved a little.
Sensing the tension, Roger intervened, offering Erin a glass of wine, which she took and sipped gratefully. Sean approached and slid his arm around his wife’s waist, making a demonstration of his affection, and escorted her to a loveseat, where he sat beside her, still holding her. He gave his mother a hard look. She looked back steadily. The unpleasant silence stretched on.
"So Erin," Roger said finally, "how’s school going?"
"Very well." Erin smiled, perhaps a little wider than was necessary. The tension was thick in the room. "I’m so glad to have finished that semester. It was a pretty tough one."
"The next one is your last, right?"
"Yes. I can’t wait to be done."
"How have you enjoyed studying music?"
"It’s been great. I love it. I’ve learned so much." She hoped she wasn’t gushing like an idiot. She sort of felt like she was.
"I see you’ve brought your oboe with you."
"Yes. I remember that you’ve liked to hear me play before. I thought if you wanted to this time…well I’m ready." What if they didn’t? What if she’d been presuming? She didn’t want to show off, so she quickly added, "If not, no big deal."
"I would love to hear you again," Roger reassured her. "After dinner?"
"Sure, if that’s what everyone wants."
The conversation was stilted, but at least they were trying. The wine however was not sitting well in Erin’s stomach at all. She found a coaster and set the glass aside. Hmmm. She had been awfully uncertain in her stomach for the last week or so. Interesting.
"Erin, there’s a little left to do in the kitchen before we can eat. Would you please come with me?" Ellen said.
Erin sighed a little. She didn’t know what Mrs. Murphy was going to say to her, but she suspected it was going to be hard.
Sean’s hand tightened on his wife’s.
She squeezed back. She deserved to be told off, and there was not point in trying to prevent it.
"Sure. Of course." She ran the back of one finger lovingly over her husband’s cheek before following her host into the kitchen.
Sean moved as though to follow.
"Let them go son." Roger told him, "They have to work it out for themselves."
"I know. I just don’t want Erin to be hurt. Her life has been painful enough."
"It’s going to be all right. Let your mother say her piece. I’m sure she’ll feel better afterwards."
Sean’s every instinct screamed at him to go, to protect Erin, but he heeded his father’s advice….advice, that reminded him…
"Dad?"
"Yes?"
"Why did you change your mind?"
"About what?"
"You remember years ago I asked you about whether it was wrong for me to be with her. You said I shouldn’t let her give up her life for me. In a sense, that’s what she’s doing, but now you seem fine with it. Why is that?"
"You did your part son. You gave her the choice, and the time. Four years later she’s still with you. She’s made her decision. She wanted you more. I’m glad she still has an outlet for her art. Now it’s up to you to give her the best life possible."
"Right. That’s what I aim to do."
******
In the kitchen, Ellen gave her young daughter-in-law the task of making a tossed salad. Though Erin was not the cook the Murphy women were, she was competent, and this was something she could manage. In fact, she was glad to have a job to keep her hands busy. She knew exactly how Ellen liked salads to be made and carefully replicated all the instructions she had been given during that long ago Thanksgiving season.
"Erin," Ellen said as she whisked flour into a pan of succulent roast beef drippings to make gravy.
"Yes ma’am?"
"I have to tell you something. I’m not happy with you or Sean about the way you have handled this relationship. It was wrong of you both to keep it a secret for so long." The whisk clanked loudly against the sides of the roasting pan, jangling Erin’s shredded nerves further.
"You’re right. I’m sorry." Erin’s voice was gentle. She made no attempt to defend herself.
"And I’m especially upset that you two actually got married without telling anyone about it. That courthouse wedding isn’t valid I hope you realize."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, my dear, that you and Sean are both Catholic. A civil wedding doesn’t create a spiritual marriage. You two must have your marriage sanctified by the church, and until you do, you’re living in sin."
"I understand. How does one go about doing that?"
"I have the number of a priest you can call. There are some marriage preparation classes that begin after Christmas. I believe you can manage to do all of them before you go back to school. Are you willing?"
"Yes. Of course. Thank you for looking into that for us. I appreciate it."
Erin’s soft answers were disarming Ellen. She had been spoiling for a fight, but Erin was not providing her any ammunition.
"And when you do that, when you say your vows properly, in front of the priest, I expect to be invited to witness it."
"Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way."
Erin tipped shredded romaine into a bowl and retrieved a couple of tomatoes.
"I want to know one thing though. Just why exactly did you want to keep everyone from knowing you were with Sean?"
"Didn’t he tell you?"
"He did. I want to hear your side of it though."
"There was no time between us getting together and that horrible attack on Danny. Everyone was so upset. I knew no one would approve of me and I didn’t want to add to the problem. I realize that it was a poorly t
hought out plan. I just don’t know what would have been a good time. Secrets have a way of perpetuating themselves. The longer you keep one the harder it is to come clean later. The thing is, I needed Sean. The situation with Danny was so horrifying. I couldn’t cope without his support."
"I’m not sure why that is. You weren’t attacked. You were just on the sidelines. What on earth did you need support for?" It was a mean thing to say and Ellen knew it, but she wanted to get a reaction.
The question was a blow to Erin’s heart. It was exactly what she had always feared. They had never seen her as really part of the situation, or the family. Just like her mother said, she hadn’t been needed. She didn’t answer for a long moment. She was struggling to maintain her composure. She didn’t succeed. The unkind words stuck her in a weak place, and her calm collapsed.
"Because I’m weak. Weak and selfish." A tear ran down Erin’s cheek.
Ellen was taken aback. She hadn’t expected this.
"Selfish? No one said you were selfish dear. You were a very good friend to Sheridan during that dark time."
"I know. I did everything I could. I only wish I could have taken her pain away completely. I tried so hard to help her."
"You did help her dear."
"Yes, but I was selfish though. I gave everything I had to Danny because she’s my friend and I love her. But the whole time I was being selfish, because I was so jealous of this family. I wanted a little piece of it for myself. I wanted Sean, and I took him. And I kept him. You don’t have to tell me I’m not good enough to be part of this family. I know that. I don’t deserve to be a Murphy." Erin sobbed.
"Erin, dear, don’t cry. I didn’t mean it." Ellen tried to backpedal, but it was too late. A flood of misery poured from Erin.
"No, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. I was wrong to do what I did, to be with Sean. He deserves so much better than me. I should just have let him go. I tried. But I couldn’t do it. I love him too much. I’m sorry Ellen. I’m sorry to have pushed myself in where I’m not wanted."
Erin fled the room, weeping. She ran up the stairs to Sean’s old bedroom, where she had lived out her last months of high school, and threw herself on the bed.
The soft sound of sobs filtered down into the living room. Sean was on his feet in a second, pounding up the stairs after his wife. She was crying hard and he scooped her onto his lap on the bed, holding her tight, stroking her hair.
"What’s wrong?"
"Nothing. I’m fine. Please, just leave me alone for a little while Sean."
"Leave you alone while you’re hurting? Not a chance baby." He cuddled her against his chest, rubbing her back in soothing circles while she poured out a lifetime of suppressed misery. She would never belong anywhere. It was hopeless. She should let Sean go. He did deserve a better wife. But she couldn’t speak. She could only cry.
"Erin," Sean’s voice was serious. He knew what she was thinking and addressed it directly. "I don’t know what she said to you, but it doesn’t matter. I love you. You’re my wife. I’m glad to be married to you, and I’m not letting you go. This is it for us, you know. Remember how we promised? For better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part? I meant that. I’ll never release you from those vows, so put those old demons of inadequacy away. They don’t tell you the truth. They only torment you. There’s nothing wrong with you Erin. Nothing."
"I can’t stand to come between you and your family…"
"You are my family," Sean interrupted, grasping her hand and holding it in front of her face. "From the day I put this ring on your finger, you were as much my family as anyone else in this house. You are no less important to me than my own parents, and don’t forget that."
"I don’t deserve it."
"Of course you do." He dropped her hand and lifted her wet face, kissing her tenderly over and over, caressing her lips with his, showing her that he loved her. After a while she began to calm down. Once he was certain she was relatively under control, he sent her into the bathroom to wash her face. Then he headed downstairs. He went straight to the kitchen.
"Mother, what did you do?" He asked Ellen, his jaw clenched in anger.
Ellen was standing near the stove. She looked stunned, not at Sean’s question, but at the explosion she had just caused. She didn’t answer him.
"Come on, mom. Why was Erin crying? What did you say to her?"
"I just told her I didn’t like you two keeping secrets, that I wasn’t happy about it, and that a civil ceremony wouldn’t do."
He didn’t believe it for a second, but rather than call his mother a liar, he went on. "Why did you do that? I asked you not to."
"I had no idea she was so…fragile."
"I told you she was. She’s wanted to be part of this family from the beginning, and frankly mother, she’s earned it."
"I know."
"I can hardly believe it. That my own wife would be made to feel unwelcome by my family. We’re supposed to be this great, supportive group that clings together in times of trouble. You know how Erin grew up. You know her parents have always made her feel like an unwanted burden, and it’s crap, Mom. She’s amazing. If you have also made her feel unwanted, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you. She was starting to come around, to believe that maybe she was okay, but now I’m going to have to start over again building her up. It’s not right."
"I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt her."
Sean narrowed his eyes. "Don’t tell me you’re sorry."
"You’re right. Somehow I’ll make this up to her."
"You had better. If she doesn’t feel comfortable being with you, we won’t visit anymore."
And he walked away. Ellen was trembling slightly. It was perfectly clear that whatever issues she had with Erin’s behavior, she was just going to have to let them go or risk losing her son for good. She began to brainstorm how to heal this breach.
Not surprisingly, dinner was very strained. Erin remained silent, looking at her plate, pushing her food around without eating it.
Sean hovered protectively near her, holding her free hand, trying to lend her comfort and support. It didn’t help. The deep wound inflicted on Erin’s soul from her early childhood on had been ripped open and she was suffering in ways none of those well adjusted people could understand. Her misery was palpable in the room.
If she had known how everyone could see what she was feeling she would have tried to suppress it. It was a private grief. But she didn’t look up, so she couldn’t see the concern in their faces. Neither of the Murphy parents had ever realized how desperately damaged Erin was. They had seen her as strong, capable, and she had been when dealing with someone else’s pain. Her love for Sheridan had given her strength. Maybe if she could just help her friend enough, she would finally be worthy. Maybe she could earn the right to be with Sean. Not that she had helped for that reason exactly. She had helped because there was literally no other choice. She loved her friend and had to be there for her.
When enough of the food had been consumed to be able to say legitimately that dinner was over, Erin rose without being asked and cleared away the dishes. Ellen remembered Sheridan telling her that she saw Erin as a kind of servant. It had been a hurtful thing to say, but maybe not an entirely inaccurate one. She went to help, silently.
Once the kitchen was cleaned, Ellen made her first attempt to rectify the situation.
"Erin, love, would you please play for us this evening? I’ve missed your music very much."
Erin smiled gravely and retrieved the music stand she had left years ago in Sean’s bedroom.
Moments later, the Murphys were seated around the formal living room, Sean and his father on the sofa, Ellen on an armchair nearby, while Erin put her instrument together and set up her sheet music.
Soon the house was full of Christmas carols. Erin had carefully chosen ones that sounded best in the oboe’s melancholy voice: O Come O Come Emmanuel, What Child is This, Silent Night
, The Coventry Carol. It was a beautiful little concert. If the atmosphere had been less strained, it would have been a very enjoyable evening. As it was, the music did help somewhat. Erin had always felt best when she had something to contribute.
As he watched his wife play, Sean’s heart swelled. He leaned over to his father and whispered, "look at her, Dad, just look at her. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful in your life?"
"She’s a wonderful girl son. I’m glad you have her."
From her seat across the room, Ellen could see her son’s face as he watched Erin play. She had never seen him with such an expression of adoration and pride. This was truly not a whim, this romance. It was love of the deepest, truest kind, based on selfless dedication. No one would be able to come between them. It was something she had needed to know.
When the music was over, Sean pulled his wife to sit beside him on the couch and put his arm around her, declaring his loyalties. She cuddled against his side, laying her cheek on his chest. She was so tiny against his size, and she looked delicate and lovely but very fragile still.
Erin was exhausted from her late night and the emotional scene earlier. She tried to keep from yawning, to hold it in, but Sean seemed to notice it anyway.
"Well, we’d better go," he told his parents.
"Will you come to mass tomorrow?" Ellen asked.
"Of course," Erin said softly, "It will give me a chance to talk to them about… what we said."
"What’s that baby?"
"Having our vows recognized by the church. It’s an important thing to do."
"Oh, sure. We can do that."
"Will you both please come and see us for Christmas? We would love to have you."
Erin tried to smile at her mother-in-law.
"If you want us here, we’ll be here."
"Then please be here, Erin."
Much was said in those simple words, and everyone understood it. It would take effort to make this mess back into a family, but if everyone did their part, it would be possible.
As they were leaving, Ellen pulled Erin into a hug.
"I’m sorry," she said softly. Erin nodded.
"It’s okay. Thank you for inviting me."
When the Music Ends (The Winter Rose Chronicles) Page 15
