I started to cry harder. “When? I wanna know when and where, and where was I?”
He decided to come clean. “I been wit that chick for almost two years, man.”
It hurt. It hurt so bad to know that he would lie to me for that long.
“Why couldn’t you just tell me?” I asked him.
He shrugged and looked away. He always hated to see me cry. But he always made me. Every single time.
“I don’t know, man,” he answered.
“You didn’t love me, did you?” I asked, looking at him.
“Hold your head back,” he fussed. I tried to, but it was making me dizzy. He stepped over to me and pinned me against the car. “Let me do it for you,” he said. He took the shirt from me and stood in front of me.
I looked him in the eye as he doctored me, remembering the feelings that I would often get whenever I was with him.
“What’s up?” I asked him. “What’s up with this? How come you couldn’t just tell me what the deal was? Why you cheat on me with my friend?”
“Stop it.”
“No, tell me!” I yelled, becoming upset again.
“Alright!” He didn’t want to yell anymore. “Look, it didn’t start off like that, alright. You know me and Jayla met at school.”
I nodded, remembering when she first came into the picture. She was supposed to just be his homegirl, but obviously that didn’t last long.
“One thing led to another, and before you know it, we become more than friends.”
That answer wasn’t good enough for me.
“But you were already with me, David. How come I wasn’t enough for you?”
He winced. “Nya, look. You were enough for me.”
I shook my head. “Nope. No I wasn’t. If I was, you wouldn’t have cheated. It’s because I wouldn’t have sex with you, isn’t it?”
His response was a delayed one, which let me know I was right.
“It wasn’t just that.”
I knew I was telling the truth. “Yes, it was. You’re such a selfish pig, David. Do you know that? I told you that I wasn’t ready!”
“It wasn’t just that!” he insisted.
“Then what was it then? It couldn’t have been love, because I gave you plenty of that.”
“I’m a man, baby. Damn. What you expect from me? I can’t just stop doing that all because you don’t want to.”
I was so tired of that excuse! Looking straight in his face, I reached over and punched him in the stomach. He coughed, trying to breathe.
“Look, I told you to stop hitting me,” he said once he got his composure back.
“Why you always gotta give me that lame excuse?”
“It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth.”
“Whatever, David. God! You know what? I am so sick of men! All you guys are interested in is one thing, and once you get it, you’re gone. You don’t care about me, David, and you never did.”
“Yes, I did.”
“No, you didn’t! If you did you wouldn’t be sexin’ my friend!”
“Look, I’m sorry alright. Damn.”
“Stop yelling at me!”
“Stop yelling at me!”
Frustrated, I leaned back against the car and let him hold the shirt on my nose again.
“Dang, she popped you good,” he said.
“Shut up.”
He chuckled. “I’m sorry, but she did.”
“Yeah, well. She better be glad she pregnant.”
He glanced at me as if he didn’t believe me. “You know Jayla will kill you. Don’t try that ‘she’s pregnant’ crap, because if that’s what it was then you would have never hit her to begin with. You don’t give a damn about that baby.”
He got me on that one. I didn’t, even though I knew I should have.
“How far is she?” I asked.
“Five months.”
I calculated it. That was about right. Tears leaked from my eyes as I thought about it. The baby that I once dreamed of carrying for him was now in another woman’s womb. All because he lied. All because he couldn’t tell me the truth.
“Why, David?”
He sighed. “Nya, I honestly really don’t know.”
“Did you love me?”
“Yes.”
“But you loved her, too. And all the rest of them other females that you were with when you were with me.”
He shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Oh, okay, I see. You loved sex, and you still do. Or else you wouldn’t still be with her.”
He didn’t say anything.
“That’s what it is,” I told him, beginning to choke as I talked. “You love it way more than you ever loved me. You couldn’t stop just for a period of time to see about me and my needs. You always had to go lay up with some other female and get her to give you what you wanted. But then you would come back to me. Why, David?”
I turned my head away from him as I cried, not wanting to let him attend to me anymore. I wanted to be through with him, forever. My tears had made me weak though, and as I turned to walk away I stumbled and fell. He quickly came to my aid and picked me up in his arms. Brokenhearted, I turned to him and wrapped my arms around his neck and cried and cried. I let it all out as he hugged me back, comforting me for what we both knew was going to be the last time.
“How come you didn’t love me?” I cried into his neck.
“Ssshhh,” he consoled me. “It’s alright, baby. It’s alright.”
“How come?” I asked again. “I just wanted you to love me like I loved you. Was sex that important to you that my love wasn’t enough?”
“Ssssshhhhh…”
“How come you didn’t?”
He rocked me back and forth and kissed me on my forehead. “Ssshhh. You know I hate to see you cry.”
I kept crying, relinquishing all of my hurt onto his chest. “I love you so much, David.”
“I know, baby.”
“I love you. I really really do.”
“I know, baby. I know.”
I wanted him to say it back. Even if he didn’t mean it, I wanted him to say it so I wouldn’t feel like a fool for giving him four years of my life for no reason at all.
“I love you,” I repeated through my tears.
No response. I needed him to say it back. I didn’t want to go through life knowing that I could never be enough for him, because a man that loved sex more than me could never love me the right way anyway.
“I love you,” I said again.
“I know, Nya. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you.”
An apology. He owed me at least that much, but it wasn’t enough.
Discouraged, I lifted my head from his chest and began to walk away.
“Where you going?” he asked.
My head began to swirl. “Home,” I answered.
“You okay?”
I nodded, even though I wasn’t. My heart was broken, and I was suddenly dizzy.
“Look. Can I call you sometime?”
I shook my head. There was nothing else for us to talk about.
“No, David.”
“You can keep the shirt,” he called out after me.
I looked down. I still had his shirt in my hand.
“Thanks,” I said, even though I wasn’t appreciative.
“Just wash it. A good stain remover will take all that blood right out.”
“Okay,” I said, and tried to make my way to my car. My stomach began to churn as it had several times in the last few days. Feeling myself about to heave, I scurried over behind the nearest car and threw up.
I’m pregnant.
I started crying all over again just thinking about it. The lady at church was right. I was a fornicator, and I was pregnant. I was going to have to go get a pregnancy test.
David rushed over. “Ugh,” he said, turning away from the repulsing aroma that was coming from the ground. “You alright? You eat something bad?”
I wiped at the tears on my fac
e. “No,” I told him. “I’m pregnant.”
His face dropped. I walked away while he stood there trying to figure out who succeeded at coaxing me out of my virginity. I already knew what he was thinking: If I was going to give it up, why weren’t all of his tricks ever enough to get me where he wanted me? The stupid fool still didn’t realize that if he’d been patient, I probably would have. But I was glad I never did. If I had, both me and Jayla would be pregnant. That would mean that our babies would be siblings. That meant I’d have to see both of their ugly faces for the rest of my life. Thank goodness God loved me enough not to let that happen.
twenty seven
Karen
I pulled Mama’s car into Terrance’s driveway and turned the engine off. I was surprised that Mama agreed to let me use it. Her Lexus was her prized possession, and she wouldn’t have even let me pretend to drive it before. But I guess she could see how traumatized I was about everything that was going on, because when I asked to borrow it she didn’t even ask me when I would be back. She just told me to be careful and make sure that I brought it back with no scratches on it.
I sat in the car, debating whether or not I should go inside. I really needed someone to talk to, but I had no friends, so Terrance was my only viable option, especially seeing how close the two of us had become over the phone. But his shadiness was still in question. He did leave Daytown suddenly without telling me goodbye, and his suspicious behavior with Mama didn’t put him number one on my list. But after Daddy, there was no one else on the list but Mama. I was in a sad predicament.
I was just about to turn the engine on and head back to the house when I saw the front door of the house open. Terrance walked out onto the porch, clutching his phone in his hand and a drink in his other. He was fine, his biceps bulging as he walked toward me, displayed gracefully by the tank he was wearing. It clung to him tightly, so much so that I could see his six pack underneath when he stood in front of me. I thanked God for cotton.
“Hey,” he said, his tone mellow, almost a whisper.
I must have looked as pitiful as I felt.
“Hey,” I whispered back.
He kneeled down outside of the car door beside me. “You alright?”
I just shrugged. I didn’t know if I was or if I wasn’t.
“You wanna come inside? Mama just made some peach cobbler.”
I shook my head. “Nawh. I don’t want to be a bother.”
“Come on, girl. You know you want some.”
I shook my head again. “No, thanks.”
He reached his hand into the car and stroked my face. “You gon’ be alright. Just hang in there. Okay?”
My eyes traveled off in the distance. All I could think about was what I was going to do. My whole life I dreamed of nothing else but going to college. I never came up with a Plan B.
“Did you hear me?” he asked.
I nodded, still looking off.
“Can I sit in the car with you?”
I finally looked up at him. “Yeah.”
Terrance walked around the car and joined me on the passenger side. “You can always get loans,” he told me once he was settled.
I moaned. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” I said softly. “I was supposed to go to school for four years and not have to worry about finding work until after graduation. Then I was gonna get a good job working for a pharmaceutical company, and then they were gonna pay for grad school.”
He picked my hand up and kissed it. “Things don’t always happen the way we want them to,” he said, and placed my hand on his knee.
I felt the scar from his surgery. “Oh. Terrance, I’m so sorry,” I apologized. “Here I am carrying on about my troubles. You have bigger things to worry about.”
“Well…” he began. “Not really.”
“What do you mean, not really?”
He grinned. “I would tell you, but first you gotta let me know that you’re in the mood to hear some good news.”
“Any news is good news at this point,” I said, weary from trying to figure things out on my own.
“Sure?”
I nodded.
He held up the cell phone in his hand. “I just got off the phone with Coach Lambert,” he said.
My heart skipped a beat. “The head coach at DU?”
“Yep,” he said, smiling from ear to ear, those beautiful straight teeth of his shining. “I decided to take the offer. I have a full athletic scholarship.”
“Aaahh!” I screeched, and reached over and hugged him. “Oh my goodness! Terrance, that’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you!”
“Thanks,” he said. “Lambert and the school are making an exception for me. The boys on the team have already started training, so I gotta get to school right away so I can train with them.”
“That’s great, that’s wonderful,” I rambled, estatic for him. “That’s so great, Terrance. I know how bad you wanted to play basketball, and now it’s happening for you.”
He nodded, excited as well. “Yep. After all that heartache, things are finally working out in my favor. They’re holding a press conference the day after tomorrow.”
I was saddened by this. “The day after tomorrow. But Terrance, that means that you’ll be leaving—”
“In the morning,” he answered for me.
“In the morning?” I asked, disappointed. “But what about New Year’s and spending time with your mom. You know she’s missed you.”
“Mama understands.”
I was quiet, shocked by how quickly everything was happening.
“Will I ever see you again?” I asked him.
He laughed at me. “Of course. Don’t be silly, girl. You know you’ll always have me in your life.”
He was trying to be sweet. “That’s nice, Terrance. But I don’t think I’ll be going back to Daytown. At least not this semester. Tuition costs are too high, and I don’t have room and board and without a job, I can’t pay for an apartment.”
“Sure you can,” he insisted. “The Karen I know always knows how to think of something.”
I frowned. “That was the old Karen. This Karen has run out of options.”
He took my hand into his and forced me to look into his eyes.
“Then come with me.”
“What?” I laughed. “Terrance, stop playing.”
“No, I’m serious. Come with me.”
He was serious. “Terrance, what are you talking about?”
“The coach already has someone looking for an apartment for me. I can call him back and tell him to make sure they get me a two bedroom. It’ll be perfect.”
“We can’t be roommates,” I told him.
“Why not?”
“Because. It won’t… look right.”
“What won’t look right about it? All it will look like is two friends helping each other out.”
“You’ll be helping me, but how would I be helping you?”
“By letting me look at that sweet face you got.”
I shook my head at him. “Sweet talker,” I accused. “That’s a nice gesture, but that’s okay. You have school and basketball to worry about and don’t have time to take care of me.”
“Baby, I will always make time for you. Always.”
I shoved him. “Stop it, already.”
“I’m serious. What are you gonna do here in this rinky dinky town? What, you gon’ work at the food mart? You know them old women in their hair nets been there for seventy five years and they ain’t about to give up their jobs and be replaced by a young thang like you.”
“Stop it, Terrance,” I laughed. I was thankful that he cared enough, though. It eased my mind of all the tension that I felt.
“I’m serious,” he said once we stopped laughing. “Come with me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
I sighed. “I just can’t, Terrance. I don’t have any money. I can’t pay for tuition, I don’t have a job, I can’t help you pay rent. I can’t e
ven help with groceries, yet alone bills.”
“Look, don’t worry about rent and bills. I still got money from when I played ball before, so I got you on that.”
“No, Terr—”
“And if it’s that big of a deal, then you can get a job once we get back to Daytown, and you can get a student loan to pay for tuition.”
I started shaking my head.
“Look, just think about it,” he told me. “I gotta get back in the house. Mama’s cobbler is calling me and I gotta pack. I’m leaving for Daytown in the morning, and I really want you to come with me. But I can’t force you. I’m gonna let it be your decision.”
He unlocked the door and opened it to get out, but I stopped him.
“You would really do that for me?” I asked him.
“You really don’t believe that I love you, do you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
He sucked his lips. “I got something done yesterday,” he told me. “I wasn’t gonna say anything just yet, but seeing as how I might be leaving tomorrow and you might not be leaving with me, I’m gonna go ahead and show you now.”
He put his drink and his cell phone in the cup holders between us and pulled his shirt up.
“Wait,” I stopped him, surprised, and not ready to see the candy coated muscles beneath his clothes. “What are you doing?”
“I’m showing you I’m serious about us,” he said. “You know how you got my name tattooed on your thigh?”
I nodded.
“Well… I decided to return the favor.”
He pulled his shirt up to reveal a fresh tattoo on his chest.
My mouth dropped open when I read it. Underneath the ointment that covered it was a heart with my name written on the top, Jeremiah written in the middle, and his name written on the bottom.
“Our son will always be in my heart,” he told me. “And you’ll always be with me. That’s how much I love you.”
Before I could say anything he leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back, and tears came.
“What are you doing to me?” I asked him.
“Just loving you,” he answered. “The best way I know how.”
I dabbed at my eyes.
“I’m leaving at eight in the morning,” he told me as he got out of the car. “You coming with me?”
I made my decision.
“Yeah. Come to the house and pick me up, and we’ll leave for DU together.”
Casting Down Imaginations Page 16
