Casting Down Imaginations

by LaShanda Michelle

  He smiled. “It’s gon’ be alright, baby,” he assured me, and wiped the last tear that fell from my eye. “You know that, right?”

  I nodded as I sniffled.

  “’Cause if we ain’t got nothing else, we got each other.”

  “Okay,” I said, and watched him walk back into the house.

  **********

  Daddy knocked on my bedroom door and came inside. “Can I come in?” he asked.

  I continued folding the pair of jeans that were in my hands and put them in my suitcase.

  “You’re already in, aren’t you?” I asked snidely.

  “You going somewhere?”

  “Back to school,” I informed. I ignored the concerned look on his face and continued packing. “Not that you care or anything.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” The hurt was apparent in his voice.

  “Nothing,” I said, after pushing aside the way that I really felt in order not to be disrespectful. “Look, I wasn’t trying to sneak out or anything. I was gonna tell you and Mama at dinner tonight, I promise. But Terrance made the basketball team at DU, and he’s leaving in the morning. And I’m going with him.”

  “What do you mean, you’re going with him?”

  “I’m going back to school.”

  I could see his blood pressure going up. I had never been so rude and short with him before, and he didn’t like it. But he was trying his best to remain calm.

  “How are you going to pay for it?”

  “I’ll get all of that straightened out once I get there.”

  “Where are you gonna live? Room and board ain’t free, you know.”

  I swallowed, nervous, but strong. “I’m rooming with Terrance.”

  His face fell. “You’re what?!”

  “Calm down, Daddy. I already know what you’re thinking.”

  “Like hell you do. You’re not trotting off to Daytown to shack up with nobody!”

  “Shack up? Daddy, I’m going back to school! I have another semester to finish this year.”

  “You ain’t going nowhere, I’ll tell you that!”

  “Daddy, I’m a grown woman, and I can make my own decisions!”

  “No you can not! You are my daughter!”

  “Oh, so now I’m your daughter! Was I your daughter when you gambled all of my money away?”

  His eyes pierced me. “How dare you?” he snarled.

  “What is all the yelling about?” Mama fussed as she hurried into my room. “Y’all need to lower your voices. Kevin is taking a nap.”

  Daddy pointed at me. “Your daughter,” he started. “She’s planning on running off to live with that Terrance like some little floozy!”

  “Floozy?!” I screamed. “I am not a floozy! But you’re an idiot!” I screamed at him.

  He stopped. Regret slowly filled his eyes. Out of the almost nine-teen years I’d been alive, he and I never exchanged words in this way.

  “Everyone just needs to calm down,” Mama said. “Now what in the world is going on?”

  Resentment and frustration fell from my eyes. “Mama, I was gon’ tell you, I swear,” I said as I wiped at them. “I was gon’ tell you at dinner. Terrance took the offer from DU, and he’s leaving in the morning and I’m going with him.”

  Surprise came over her face as well. “Leaving, leaving? You’re going back to school?”

  I nodded.

  “Yeah, and she’s planning on staying with him,” Daddy informed, still upset.

  “Just until I can get on my feet. I’m gonna get a loan when I get back to pay for tuition, and as soon as I get a job I’m gonna get my own place.”

  “Girl, do you think I’m stupid?” Daddy asked. “What kind of job do you think you are gonna get with just a high school diploma that’s gonna pay enough for you to have your own place?”

  “I’ll find one!” I snapped at him.

  Mama motioned for me to take a seat next to her where she sat on the bed, so I did. “Are you sure?” she asked me.

  “You can not be serious!” Daddy yelled at her.

  “Well, what do you want the girl to do?” Mama asked him. “The girl gotta go to school, and we can’t pay for it. And if Terrance is willing to take her in, then I say—”

  “Oh, you’re just trying to get the girl married ‘cause you think he’s her meal ticket.”

  “That’s not true,” she insisted. “But if it was, there ain’t nothing wrong with that, either. A young woman like Karen needs a man to take care of her. And he loves her.”

  “That’s right,” I interjected.

  “Love? Love, love. Love ain’t nothing but a few beers and some hormones to a boy like Terrance!”

  Mama and I both gasped.

  “Daddy!” I exclaimed. “You don’t even know him like that! How could you?”

  “Yes, I do. It seems that you have forgotten him. This is the same boy that left you high and dry when you got pregnant with his child. Remember that?”

  “That was a long time ago,” I said. “Things have changed.”

  “No, you changed,” he said. “You’ve been on the straight and narrow for two years now, and you’re just gonna throw it all away.”

  I stood back to my feet and continued to pack my things. “I’m not throwing anything away. I’m doing what I have to do to take care of myself. Maybe if you wouldn’t have been so irresponsible and partied and gambled all of my money away making stupid bets, I wouldn’t be in this situation!”

  His eyes flared, but I didn’t care. I threw the last of my things into my suitcase and slammed it close. Mama motioned for me to be quiet, so I didn’t say another word. We were all silent.

  “So that’s how you really feel?” he asked me after a long while.

  I didn’t answer.

  He sighed. “Look, Karen. I know I messed up. But I’m gon’ always be your daddy. You got that?”

  I still didn’t answer him. I just sat on the bed next to Mama and wiped the tears that were coming down my face.

  “Now, I may have messed up. But I didn’t raise you to be nobody’s play thing.” He went to the door to leave, but turned to face me. “You just remember that,” he said, and left.

  Mama stood up, too. “You sure you wanna do this?” she asked me.

  “What else am I gon’ do?” I asked her, my voice shaking. “I can’t stay here. Ain’t nothing here for me.”

  “I just wanna make sure you’ve thought long and hard about this. Have you?”

  I lied with a nod.

  “I’m gonna go talk to your father, try to calm him down,” she said. “Come down and eat whenever you get ready.”

  “Alright,” I said.

  But I didn’t. I went to sleep soon afterward. I woke up at sunrise and woke Kevin up to tell him good-bye. Then Terrance and I left for Daytown without saying another word to my parents.

  twenty eight

  Anaya

  I stood alone in the bathroom of my new apartment, wringing my hands and waiting for the results of the fifth home pregnancy test that I’d taken. When I went to the store to purchase one, I couldn’t figure out which brand to buy so I bought them all. So far they all read the same. I was praying this one would be different.

  I picked the test up from the counter and stared at the pink plus sign that displayed on its window. Positive.

  “Damn it!” I screamed.

  My life was officially over. What the hell was I going to do with a kid? I didn’t even like babies. Kids didn’t even like me! There was no way in the world that I could pack one around and pretend to be a mother. I wouldn’t be able to keep my apartment. I’d have to move back home and face Deacon with shame and tell him that I went to college and didn’t know how to act, and now I was pregnant and he was going to have to take care of it. It would kill him.

  I put the positive test next to the four previous ones I’d taken. The lady at church was right. I really was pregnant.

  “Why?” I asked. I pulled my hair angrily wit
h both hands. “Why!” I screamed.

  Why me? Out of the hundreds of people who use condoms to prevent pregnancy, why did I have to be the one that they didn’t work for? And my very first time! Shoot. If I knew this was gonna happen I would have had sex with David a long time ago and gotten pregnant by him. Then I would have at least been at home and had Deacon to help me.

  I walked out of the bathroom and sat down in the middle of the living room floor. It was the most convenient spot to place my behind in the furniture deprived apartment. I stared at the television set that was sitting on the floor. The volume was on mute and I couldn’t hear a thing. I didn’t want to hear anything. I needed to think.

  “I can’t have a baby,” I said aloud to myself.

  I weighed my options. I could get an abortion, but I didn’t really believe in those. I guess my so-called Christian background lead me to believe that it was murder. But what other choice did I have, except carry the baby and then give it up for adoption? That would be nice. That way the baby could live. It didn’t deserve to die just because I made the stupid choice of having sex with a triflin’ bastard that didn’t care about me. But if I did that I would actually have to be pregnant for nine months. Then I’d have to buy maternity clothes and wobble around… And get stretch marks. Ugh, no way. I couldn’t let it go down like that. Plus I could gain a lot of weight, and I couldn’t allow myself to get fat. I gotta stay sexy no matter what. Besides, the moment I started showing everyone would make fun of me. Deacon would find out what I did, too, and I couldn’t do that to him. He tried too hard to raise me right.

  It wouldn’t be that bad if Reese would at least return my phone calls. Then I could tell him, and he could help me make the right decision. Maybe a baby would be what it would take for him to realize that he did love me after all. If I carried his child then he’d see how much I really loved him, and if I was willing to go through all of that for him then I must be worth holding on to.

  Yeah… That just might work…

  Optimistic, I got up and called Reese. As usual, he didn’t answer. I didn’t even waste my breath leaving a message. I was sure it would simply get deleted, just like the countless others I left over the past few weeks.

  I fell to the floor and cried. It was all I could do. I cried for my unborn baby, because I was its mother and didn’t know either one of our destinies. Then I cried for myself, because I was a complete mess. How could I have been so stupid? What made me think I could trust Reese? Was it love? Love was stupid, and anyone who thought they were in love was in for a rude awakening when it turned around and kicked them in the behind. Love didn’t love anybody. It was just a stupid feeling that caught stupid people off guard and hurt them. It was just a stupid feeling, and I was stupid for thinking that it could ever happen to me. Never again. Never again!

  Guys were all the same. They only wanted one thing, and that was sex. All they cared about was getting what they wanted, and after they got it, they dropped you. I’d heard it before, but I didn’t think it would happen to me. But it did, just like it happened to Karen and countless other women out there. Guys just didn’t care. They took what they wanted, and as soon as you ended up pregnant, they left.

  And David. All those times we were together. All the sexual favors I gave him. None of it was enough. He had to go behind my back and get with the one person that I thought was my friend. I couldn’t even be mad at him, though. When that chicken called me and told me he was cheating, deep down inside I thought it was with her. But I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt because the two of us had grown so close, and I didn’t think she would do that to me. She claimed she was only telling me because she loved me, and she thought I needed to know. I thought the only reason why she wasn’t calling me once I went to Daytown was because she was busy with school and wanted to let me focus on getting my education. But the real reason was because she didn’t have time to. She was sexing my man!

  Slut!

  I got up from the floor and went into my bedroom to retrieve David’s shirt. Even though I washed it twice, the blood from my nose still remained stained on its fibers. It was a permanent scar, much like the one on my heart from the way he betrayed me.

  I went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife, and in a fit of rage sliced the shirt over and over again.

  “I hate you!” I cried as I sliced, wishing the shirt was his face instead of a simple article of clothing. By the time I was through it was unrecognizable, only useful as a rag to do cleaning with. But because it belonged to David, I couldn’t give it that much of a purpose and threw it in the trash. Now it was just like David. Garbage. Unworthy of any future love or affection from me. He threw all that away the moment he decided to be slick and get with my friend. And that bastard had a baby coming. How was he going to play that off if we still would have been together? Was he gonna say the stork dropped it off instead of my friend? I couldn’t believe the nerve of him.

  Temporarily satisfied, I dropped the knife in the sink and returned to the living room floor.

  I can’t have a baby…I just can’t.

  I picked up the phone and called Reese again. No answer.

  I sighed. I didn’t even know why I tried. Why was it that men were always the ones that cheated, yet I was always the one that got dropped? Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? If he cheated, shouldn’t he have been the one to get dropped? But that would just make too much sense in this unfair world.

  I slid my hand over my belly. A baby was actually in there. Growing, living… Life. In my belly… My womb.

  Oh my God. I have a womb! This is so crazy.

  I almost smiled. A baby was actually in my tummy. I was actually pregnant. With Reese’s baby. It was like I had a part of him inside of me. It was almost like no matter what happened he would always be with me because I had his child.

  “Hi little Reese in there,” I cooed, smiling.

  Wait a minute…

  Who the hell was I kidding? I couldn’t have no damn baby! I was not ready to be anybody’s mama and Reese sure as hell wasn’t ready to be nobody’s daddy. He couldn’t even return a phone call. Karen surely wouldn’t help me. Not after the way I dogged her out. My only other friend was Jayla, and there was no way I’d go to her. She would probably kill the baby after the way I jumped on her. She’d kill it, and then go find Reese and sleep with him. That’s what hoes do best… Steal your man.

  “Oh, man,” I sighed, and put my head in my hands. “Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,” I taunted myself. “Stupid, stupid, stupid...”

  How could I have been so stupid to give it up to him? He was such a jerk, and I knew this already. Was this God punishing me? Was He sitting up there on His big throne in the sky punishing me because I knew better than to do what I did? I went to church for too long and listened to too much of the word to be laying on my back for some no good knucklehead. Even right when I was about to do it, I still could have chose not to, but I did it anyway. And now I was pregnant. This had to be God punishing me. He cursed me with this baby…

  Oh God… what if I have twins?

  “Oh God!” I cried.

  I picked up the phone again but quickly put it down. There was no sense in trying to be with a man that didn’t want to be with me. He would just deny the baby anyway, even though he knew full well he was the only person I’d been with. He’d say it wasn’t his, and that I must have been with someone else after him because he used a condom.

  I just couldn’t understand his behavior. He acted like he really wanted to be with me. He took me to nice places and walked me to and from class and everything. He didn’t have to do all that, but he did. I should have known when he told me in the beginning that I wasn’t his one and only. We had different values. I wasn’t squeaky clean, but I had enough respect for myself not to just be with anybody, unlike him. He didn’t care who the girl was, as long as she was down. That was obvious with his choice in Lexi. And to think, his homeboy almost raped me. Reese did go and be
at the crap out of him after he found out about it, but that was probably only because he was mad that Adam almost got me before he did. It wasn’t about defending my honor. It was just about sex, just with all men.

  I was so stupid… So stupid.

  I got up from the floor and went back into the bathroom. The pregnancy tests all stared back at me. Positive. Positive. Positive. Positive. Positive. There was no denying that I was with child.

  “What am I going to do?” I asked myself as I stared in the mirror. I was too young for this. I was only eighteen. I couldn’t raise a baby alone. My baby needed a daddy. Its daddy, not mine. Deacon couldn’t be a daddy and a granddaddy. No, Reese needed to step up to the plate and be responsible for what he did. He needed to be a man and be a father to his child. I was not having an abortion. I should just go to his place and bang on the door until he let me in and tell him what was going on. Then he would feel sorry for not returning any of my phone calls. Then maybe…

  …Maybe…

  Maybe this baby would be the thing that forced Reese to act right. He wouldn’t be so consumed with Lexi if I showed up pregnant, would he? Of course not. He wasn’t that inhumane. And as long as Reese and I were together, Deacon wouldn’t have too much to say. Sure he would be mad, but if Reese and I got married that would make everything okay. Then everything would be perfect. Then my baby would have a daddy and I would have a man. Then we’d be like… A family.

  I began to pace back and forth slowly in front of the sink, scheming, trying to figure out how to make this work. It was a good plan, but there were a few kinks. Reese was one of those new type of men. He could just as easily acknowledge the baby but not pay any attention to me. I could see it now. He’d just pay his child support, drop off a few diapers every now and then and pay for school clothes, all the while still spoiling Lexi, giving her everything that should be mine simply because she didn’t get pregnant. No, that wasn’t good enough. My baby had to grow up the same way I grew up, with a daddy in the house. That way was the only right way. It wouldn’t be fair to have it any other way. I had to have Reese with me. Permanently. Lexi had to get out of the picture. He could still do his little music thing, but me and the baby had to be his number one priority. But how was I going to get him to do that?