‘You’ve lost weight too,’ Clarky observed before asking me if I wanted another drink. He walked to the bar with a confident stride. He also had changed since being in Cambridge. The patterned jumpers, stiff starched shirts, and all the strict formalities imposed upon him, were things of the past now. I had finally got over my phase of thinking I was in love with him when I was just sixteen. The closer we became, the stranger it would have been to go out with each other. A best friend was much better, I’d decided. I loved talking to him and getting the male perspective. I would never trade that friendship for a love that could go wrong. Love was fragile. Friendship was for life.
When he returned with drinks I asked him if there was anyone he liked.
‘Possibly,’ he told me. ‘Sandy. Might ask her out.’ He started to tell me about her but all I could think about was Finn. I wasn’t sure what he had started but I had this longing to see him again, as if we had unfinished business.
I knew there was a reason I’d chosen to work at Momo’s, I decided. Tiana would tell me it was all part of my destiny and I was beginning to agree.
CHAPTER FOUR
Finally the buzzer rings. I open the front door. Justin is carrying his violin and a canvas bag holding music books. ‘I’m sorry you had to miss rehearsals,’ I say.
‘It doesn’t matter.’ We walk into the kitchen. Rocky’s food is still on the table, along with the old blue flower-patterned breakfast plates with toast and jam on them and a couple of dirty mugs in the sink. I start to wash up manically. ‘This place looks like a Tracy Emin creation! I ought to stick a label on it, send it off to the Tate and at least make some money out of our mess.’
Clarky steers me away from the sink. He takes off his cord jacket and hangs it neatly on the back of a chair. I sit down and then jump up again, asking if he wants a drink. ‘Thirsty? Hungry?’ I open the fridge and pinch a cold roast potato from the bowl. ‘These are so good. I love the crunchy bits. Want one?’
‘Cold potatoes? No, thanks. Sit down, will you?’
‘I’ll put the kettle on. GEORGE! Turn Kylie down! Sorry, won’t be a minute.’ I go upstairs.
I find George in his bedroom, lying face down on the floor building a farmhouse with a windmill out of Lego. He’s so absorbed in it, ‘hyper focusing’ is what it’s called, that he doesn’t notice me coming into the room to adjust the volume of Kylie’s duet with Jason Donovan.
Finally I sit down with Clarky. ‘Finn will be happy,’ I start shakily. ‘It’s all he wants. His patience was running out. “You’re getting on, Josie,” he always says. I’m only thirty-one,’ I add.
‘Hardly the best way to persuade you,’ Clarky says.
I imitate Finn’s voice. ‘“If we’re going to have a bigger family, shouldn’t we be doing it now, while we’re young enough to stand the sleepless nights?”’
‘Do you want another baby?’
‘I never ruled out having another, but it terrifies me.’ I rub my forehead hard.
Clarky shuffles his chair forward. ‘What scares you?’
‘Everything!’ I lower my voice. ‘I’m just about coping with George now. Getting to grips with our routine. I love my work, and I’m happy! When the baby comes I’ll be right back at square one.’
‘What does Finn say about that?’
‘He says it’ll be all right because George is at school. Well, Finn leaves the house at the crack of dawn, goes to work and comes home after all the chaos is over. He doesn’t understand.’
I tell Clarky about the ‘baby’ argument we had when I threw an egg at Finn.
‘At school?’ I had screeched. ‘Ah, at school, is he? And I am constantly on the alert, Finn, waiting for the phone to ring and Ms bloody Miles to tell me George has forgotten his games kit or broken one of the computers …’ I was holding an egg box and something exploded inside me. I hurled an egg across the kitchen. It smashed against a wooden door, the yolk seeping into the cracks. Finn had stared at me and then at the broken egg, his eyes wide with bewilderment.
Clarky smiles. ‘Promise never to come near me with a box?’ He leans back, away from me. ‘Did you eat scrambled for supper?’
I laugh wearily. ‘I was mad, OK? Oh, God, I can’t …’ I don’t want to say it too loudly.
‘Have another child like George?’ he finishes for me quietly. He places a mug of tea in front of me. ‘I’ve put some sugar in it.’
‘What if it’s another boy?’
‘Is ADHD hereditary?’
‘Yes. We think Finn’s mother has it although it’s never been diagnosed.’
‘Does he know you’re pregnant?’ Clarky starts to circle the rim of his hot mug carefully. He does one full circle and then stops and changes direction. I’ve always told him he has artist’s fingers.
‘No, only you know.’
‘Look, you really need to talk to him about it, not me.’
I press my lips together. ‘I wish I could. Sometimes he doesn’t want to listen.’
Clarky frowns and twitches his nose. ‘Finn needs to know that the pregnancy is great news, but at the same time, you are going to need a lot of support. He can’t keep his head in the clouds.’
I nod appreciatively.
‘If I were Finn,’ he continues, taking his hand away from the mug and gently touching mine, ‘I’d want to know how you were feeling.’
I remember my dream.
‘What?’ he asks intently.
‘I had a dream about us the other night.’
‘Sounds interesting. And?’
‘You and I got married in a hot air balloon.’
He laughs. ‘Sounds like a nightmare.’
I lean my elbows against the table again, hands pressed against my forehead. ‘No, this is. But then I think of George who’d love a brother or sister. I never ruled out having another baby. Maybe it will be a girl?’
‘Would that make all the difference?’
I start to chew one of my already bitten thumbnails. ‘What’s wrong with me? Some people dream of having children and here I am, terrified.’
‘No one else knows what it’s like bringing up George. We can try to understand, but you’re the one who has to deal with it.’
‘I wish Finn saw it that way. Why can’t he see it like you do?’
‘Do you want this child at all?’
‘What?’
‘It’s your decision, Josie.’
I feel uncomfortable. ‘I don’t think he’d ever forgive me. It would ruin our marriage. I couldn’t.’
‘But if he loves you?’
‘This is our child. I couldn’t.’ I open the fridge and eat another cold potato.
‘Sorry, J, all I want is for you to be happy. Your health, your sanity, comes above everything else. I remember you struggling with George in the early days, pretending you were OK and getting little support from anyone. You’ve got to do what you think is right.’
I turn to him. ‘You know me better than anybody, sometimes better than Finn.’
He smiles. ‘I’ve had years of practice.’
In that split second I think of Clarky and me as eighteen year olds.
‘Josie? What are you thinking?’
‘Relationships, they’re not easy.’
He nods. ‘Look how scared I am to commit to anything. No steady girlfriend, no children. Who the hell am I to talk?’
I close the fridge and hand him a bottle of beer. ‘I think you’re clever,’ I say with a dry laugh.
The front door opens. ‘He’s early,’ I whisper. It’s 6.30.
Finn drops his case on the floor by the sofa and slings his jacket over the banister. ‘Hi, honey, I’m home!’ he calls, like he does every evening. He strides into the kitchen. ‘For once I didn’t have any bleeps, I finished my clinic and … oh, Justin.’ He stops talking momentarily. ‘How are you?’ he adds awkwardly.
‘Very well, thank you,’ Clarky replies with a formal nod.
‘Good day then?’ I ask on autopilot.
>
‘Yep. I did six angiograms without any major hiccups and a patient even thanked me.’ Finn cocks his head, waiting for a reaction.
‘Is that rare, to be thanked?’ Clarky asks.
‘Yes. Waiters and cab drivers get tipped, even if the service is lousy. All we hear are patients moaning about the NHS. One time, this man came into my office and actually tipped over my desk, can you believe it?’ Finn laughs. ‘He started to say, “In my country, we don’t have these ridiculous waiting times.” So I said to him, “Well, go back to your sodding country then.”’
I’ve heard this story many times. Eventually Clarky says, ‘Good for you.’
Finn was hoping for a more responsive audience. ‘Sorry, was I interrupting something? It was awfully quiet in here before I turned up.’ He pulls a face. ‘I’m famished! Didn’t even manage a sandwich in the canteen today.’
Clarky scrapes his chair back. ‘I ought to be going.’
‘What about your beer?’
‘Another night,’ he says. ‘I have a date.’
‘Who’s it this time?’ Finn enquires.
‘Miranda.’ Said in a tone that invites no further questions. ‘’Bye, Finn. Good to see you.’ Clarky’s voice has increased in volume and boldness.
I walk him to the front door. ‘Have a good date,’ Finn calls out. ‘With Miranda.’
I open the front door. Clarky grabs my wrist. ‘Call me tomorrow, promise?’
‘Promise.’
Finn opens the fridge and eats a cold roast potato. ‘God, these are good. How was Justin then?’
‘Great.’
‘You two were so serious, like little spinsters.’
‘Finn, I have something to tell you …’
‘Why does Clarky date such shallow, dizzy girls? That last one … Christ, what was her name? Anyway, she was the pits.’ The last time we had all gone out to a new Japanese restaurant round the corner, Clarky had brought his latest date, Samantha, a pretty blonde who did nothing but whisper to him in a baby voice and ask him to feed her because she couldn’t use chopsticks. Finn eventually lost his cool and told her that if she had something to say, why not share it with everyone?
‘He’s a bright, good-looking-ish guy. I don’t get it.’
‘He hasn’t met “the one” yet. When he does, I reckon he’ll be so bowled over that he won’t know what’s hit him. Anyway, I need to talk to you.’
‘You are never going to meet the “perfect” girl.’ Finn opens the beer bottle and takes a swig.
‘You’re never going to meet the perfect man either.’
He raises an eyebrow. ‘But I come close.’
‘Ish. Finn, I’ve got something to …’
‘It’s like he’s too scared of meeting the right person so he only goes out with airheads who won’t challenge him. He needs to take the bull by the horns, you know? He also needs to stop hanging around here. He should meet Alessia. My God, now she is close to perfect.’
Alessia de Silva is a Senior House Officer at the hospital. I haven’t met her yet, and from the way Finn describes her I’m not sure I want to. Not only is she the sexiest woman on this earth but I am also told that she is ‘seriously clever’. Finn likes to tell me she works ‘under him’.
‘Finn?’
‘If you sit and wait for this perfect angel, you are going to be disappointed. There are always compromises.’
You are too right, I think. I’m not entirely sure, however, what compromises Finn has made for me.
He takes off his tie and it falls to the ground. He loosens the buttons of his shirt. He circles his neck. I put his tie on the kitchen table. Next he kicks off his shoes and swings his feet onto the table. ‘Are you like this at work?’ I ask.
‘Ah, that’s good, I’ve been rushing round that hospital all day. The lift decided to break down today. I like Justin but …’
‘FINN!’ I start once more.
‘… the ice should have melted by now. I still think he loves you and can’t move on …’
I rush up to him and cover his lips with the palm of my hand. ‘For one second, don’t talk. You are just like George. I have some news.’ I speak slowly and clearly.
‘News? Let go.’ I release my hand. ‘What kind of news?’
‘Think of something you really want.’
‘You got promoted?’ I shake my head. ‘Won a premium bond? A gallery accepted your work?’
‘No. Something you want.’
‘I want what you want. Your happiness makes mine complete,’ he fools around. Then he starts to get it. ‘You’re not … are you?’
‘I took the test tonight.’
‘Josie!’ He lowers his legs to stand and then wraps his arms around me. ‘I can’t believe it! That’s amazing. You’re not joking?’
‘It’s real.’ I think about what Clarky said. ‘There’s no going back.’
‘This is the best news. How many weeks?’
‘About six.’
‘This is the point when I scoop you up into my arms and …’ He attempts to pick me up.
‘I’m too heavy.’ I can’t help laughing. ‘Too many potatoes.’
He kisses me. ‘I’m so happy,’ he exclaims. ‘Are you OK about this?’
‘Yes.’ I bite my lip. ‘And no. I had a panic attack at Sainsbury’s. What if I have another child with ADHD?’
Finn takes my hand hurriedly and we sit down on the stools. ‘You’ve got to stop worrying about this. I’ve seen the research at the hospital. You can have one child with ADHD and four children without. There’s no certainty. It’s a risk, but there’s always a risk. Everyone worries about whether they are going to have a healthy child or not.’
‘If it’s a girl, there’s less chance she’ll have it, isn’t there?’
‘No, not necessarily. Girls are not so externalised with their symptoms when they are young. They can have ADHD but not be diagnosed until adulthood. And if we do have a boy, it doesn’t automatically mean we’ll have another George.’
‘I love George.’ I feel so guilty for talking about him like this.
‘I know. Look, the ADHD will probably always be with him but, as hard as this stage is now, people affected as he is can lead independent lives. Look at Emma, the mum you met on the internet, and her son the British Gas boy. These children are often talented and bright, with high IQs, they just need to find something they’re really good at. Great figures like Winston Churchill and Oscar Wilde are believed to have had ADHD.’
‘And Einstein,’ I add. George has a monkey in his bedroom which he’s named after him.
‘I don’t believe there could be two boys like George, do you?’ Finn suggests.
‘Why not? Give them both to me, I love a challenge.’
‘This is great news. We are going to have another baby.’ He talks as if he can hardly believe it. ‘How did it happen? I thought you were taking precautions?’
‘I missed a couple of days. We were at my parents’,’ I tell him. ‘Come on, Finn, am I that forgettable?’ I hit his arm playfully and stand up.
He slides off the stool and grabs me by my waist, pulling me towards him. ‘Come here. I remember.’
We hear George slide down the banisters. I squeeze my eyes shut. He’s going to hurt himself one of these days. ‘We’re going to have another one of those,’ I whisper to Finn, prodding him helplessly on the shoulder. The phone rings and George snatches it up.
‘It’ll be great,’ Finn assures me with a kiss. ‘We’re going to be just fine. One day at a time.’
‘Dad’s sexing Mum right now.’
I bite my lip hard and look at Finn. We both burst out laughing. ‘Who is it?’ we call out to George.
‘All right, Granny Greenwood.’
I press my face against Finn’s shoulder. ‘Why did it have to be Granny, of all people?’
‘Can Daddy fix your tea trolley? OK, Granny. I’ll ask him. ’Bye.’
CHAPTER FIVE
It was a rainy aftern
oon. The restaurant was quiet except for Finn who was sitting at one of the corner tables. He appeared at ease in his own company. I had been to the cinema only once on my own, when I was seventeen. Three people were in the auditorium, one of which was an old lady with wispy grey hair eating a banana from a mouldy brown paper bag. I’d looked around me uncomfortably and then fast-forwarded my life in a panicked second. Would that be me in years to come?
Back to Finn. He hadn’t shaved and he looked tired, as if sleep were his enemy. ‘We’re calling the club Mirror Ball,’ he said when I asked for his order.
‘That’s quite catchy.’ I was drumming a biro against my pad; he was tapping the menu against the table.
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Look at that. You and me are making sweet music together.’
I continued to stare at him, pen poised. Tiana had advised me to play it ice cool.
‘Sorry. I’ll have a pepperoni and cheese pizza and a black coffee, please.’ When I walked back to the bar I could have sworn he was watching me.
I gave the order to Mikey and then sat down at the bar, picked up a paper napkin and pulled free the pen that was holding my hair in a ponytail. I started to sketch a picture of two figures dancing. I gave the girl an exotic feather in her hair and fantastic legs, long and slim. I loosely drew an open-collared shirt for the man with one of his arms around the woman’s tiny waist; I arched her back seductively. I sketched a mirror ball above them.
‘Josie!’ Mikey called from the kitchen. Finn looked over at me. I heard plates smashing against the floor. ‘Momo’s going to take this off my wages,’ Mikey said with a frown as we both picked up the broken china. We heard the door open and shut and a group of students piling in. ‘You go.’ He winked. ‘Thanks for your help.’
Finn was standing at the bar. ‘Can I have another black coffee, two sugars? By the way, who did this?’ He was holding up the napkin.
‘I did.’
‘Quite the artist, aren’t you, waitress girl?’
Arrogant shit. I tried to retrieve it. He sat back down in his chair. ‘Give it to me!’ I snatched air. Finally I managed to grab his hand and attempted to pull the napkin free but he wouldn’t let go. He leant back and waved it in front of me. When I tried to reach it again he was too quick, swapping the napkin to the other hand and then back again. I gave up. He placed it inside the top of his jeans.
You, Me and Him Page 4
