I laugh. ‘By the way, I’m pregnant.’
‘Oh, fuck, déjà vu.’
‘I should warn you. Only twenty weeks in.’
‘It’s up to you, Josie. It’s a big project so you’ll have to tell me if you can fit it in or not. Give me a call.’
*
Tonight I am going to wear the black wraparound dress which covers my bump and doesn’t make me look enormous.
Finn comes home just when I need him to put on my silver necklace with the initial ‘J’. David gave it to me when I left his company. It’s a fiddly clasp. ‘Ow! It’s caught in my hair.’
‘Sorry,’ he mutters. ‘There, done.’
I turn to him, knowing something’s on his mind. He sits down on the bed. ‘I sent this girl home today … she had chest pain … but I’m not one hundred per cent sure I did the right thing. I mean, she’s unlikely to have major coronary heart disease, but I can’t get her off my mind. It’s impossible always to know and we can’t X-ray everyone who comes to the ward …’ I sit down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder.
‘I haven’t done anything wrong,’ he says firmly.
‘I know.’
‘It’s probably muscular pain.’
‘Exactly. I’m sure it’ll be fine.’ We sit quietly for a moment. ‘David called,’ I mention. ‘He wants me to take on some freelance work. Mum has offered to come and help look after the baby for three weeks or so …’
‘Three weeks?’
‘I really need some help, Finn. I’m not turning her offer down. Anyway, David’s work would be good and we need the extra money.’
No response. ‘Finn, try not to worry about this girl, I’m sure you did the right thing.’
‘Why are you sure? What if she was our daughter? The one you’re carrying now?’ He always adds nobility to his cause, because he knows that way he can get away with anything.
‘You can’t ask me that.’
‘You’d want me to call, wouldn’t you?’
‘What do you think about David?’
‘I should, shouldn’t I?’
I hand him the mobile. ‘Yes, if it’ll set your mind at rest.’
He’s walking downstairs. I can hear him on the telephone already.
*
The doorbell rings. It’s Clarky. He’s wearing jeans with a V-neck black top and a pair of new boots. He’s freshly shaven and smells of leather and cologne. I can tell he’s washed his fair hair because it’s soft, like a child’s fluffy toy. I run a hand through it. ‘Wow, you’ve made an effort,’ I say.
‘Thanks. Something smells delicious. Where’s Finn?’
‘In the garden, smoking.’
‘I thought he’d given up?’
‘He smokes when he’s stressed.’ I roll my eyes.
‘You’re not getting on?’ he whispers with that flicker of hope in his eyes. Or am I imagining it?
‘Not great. What’s new?’
Finn comes inside. ‘Clarky.’ They shake hands with wooden cheer. ‘Finn,’ he says back.
Finn puts an arm around my shoulders and I shove it away, too forcibly because Clarky throws me a strange look. He stinks of cigarettes.
‘So,’ Finn starts, ‘you’ve got the hots for Aggie?’
‘Finn!’ But I want to hear what Clarky says.
‘She’s nice.’
‘Nice? Boys don’t describe girls as nice. Is she a looker? Do you fancy her? Nice is a bonus. Come on, Justine.’
‘Back off, Finn,’ I warn him. ‘Sorry, Clarky.’
He shrugs. ‘I don’t mind being called Justine if it makes Finn feel like more of a man for saying it.’
‘Good answer,’ Finn acknowledges awkwardly. ‘What can I get you to drink?’ The atmosphere always stiffens like beaten egg whites when these two are in the same room. The best thing they could have done was to have had a punch up when they were both in Cambridge, to get it out of their systems. Now this insecurity and falsehood sits heavy over their relationship.
Clarky asks for a gin and tonic. Finn goes into the kitchen and puts a record on as he gets the drink.
The doorbell rings. ‘You’ll knock her out!’ I tell Clarky as I answer it. And I can’t help adding, ‘Wish I was Aggie.’
*
Tiana and Christo arrive together and for a moment it takes me back in time, back to when we were young and single and everything was so innocent and free. Tiana looks happy, her skin glowing.
‘It’s leaving that job,’ she insists, but I’m not convinced. She looks like she is in love. ‘My old company is in serious trouble,’ she tells us. ‘Boss walked out and the place is in complete turmoil, redundancies and everything.’
‘No way! So you were right to leave? The photo was some kind of sign?’
‘It’s just pure coincidence,’ Finn argues irritably.
Tiana shakes her head adamantly. ‘When are you going to believe that there are things you can’t control or rationalise? There’s something bigger and better going on in the universe, something more spiritual.’
‘Perhaps. Let’s face it, none of us really knows.’
Aggie is fashionably late. She arrives wearing a white fitted shirt and chunky silver necklace over a stunning electric blue long skirt and black boots. Her auburn hair is half pulled up into a tortoise-shell clip. The effect is messy but it works. ‘Hi,’ says Clarky when she walks into the sitting room. Their foreheads bump together as they both try to kiss each other on the cheek. ‘Oh, sorry,’ they both say at the same time, and then giggle.
‘What’s this?’ Aggie peers at the scan Tiana and Christo are looking at. ‘Are you …?’ She turns to me.
‘Yes.’
She places a ringed hand on my stomach. It’s funny the way people think they have an automatic right to touch you. ‘Is it kicking yet?’ We wait but nothing happens.
‘It’s a girl,’ Finn adds.
‘Well, I think we should make a toast,’ Clarky proposes. ‘To new friends.’ He smiles at Aggie and she smiles back. ‘And,’ he turns to me, ‘to your baby girl, J.’
‘She’s mine too,’ Finn adds, ‘as far as I’m aware. It wasn’t the Immaculate Conception.’ He looks across at Aggie, waiting for her to laugh, but her gaze is fixed firmly on Clarky as they raise their glasses to each other.
*
During the main course Clarky hits his glass with a pudding spoon.
‘I didn’t realise speeches were on the menu,’ Finn says.
‘You and J are having a baby but I’ve got some news too.’
Tiana leans in closer. ‘Come on then, don’t keep us in suspense.’
Finn sits back and pretends to look bored.
‘I’m going abroad in the autumn,’ Clarky announces.
‘Abroad?’ Aggie blurts out.
‘Yes, for work. I’ve been asked to organise a tour. We’ll be travelling to Venice, Rome and Florence. It’s what I’ve wanted to do for years.’
‘Italy! Oh, I love Venice, fabulous pasta. Have you been before?’
‘Yes.’
‘So romantic,’ Aggie continues.
‘Very.’ Clarky briefly looks at me.
‘How long will you be going for?’ I ask.
‘Six months.’
Six months? I want to cry out. You can’t go for that long! Instead I say, ‘Congratulations. That’s wonderful, Clarky, amazing.’
‘But people can come out and visit me.’ He starts to circle the rim of his wine glass slowly. ‘I have no ties … no children … there’s nothing to stop me going, is there?’
‘Absolutely nothing,’ Finn agrees.
*
‘Why do people get married these days?’ Aggie asks, now a little drunk. The crème brûlée was overcooked. Finn tells me we need hammers, not spoons. ‘It’s delicious,’ Clarky says over him.
‘Because you’re telling your friends, everyone you love, that you are committed to that person,’ Tiana starts.
‘You just want to get rid of your surna
me.’ Christo hits her arm affectionately.
‘What is it?’ Aggie asks.
‘Prickman.’
‘I used to know a Hellbottom.’
We laugh. Everyone likes Aggie.
‘People get hitched because they want to have children,’ Clarky says.
‘Hitched?’ Finn says critically. ‘You get married because you love someone, not because you want them to reproduce. Sure, children are a part of it, but it’s not the sole reason.’
‘But you can love someone without getting married. You can have children without getting married,’ Clarky argues back.
‘I don’t think that’s fair on the child,’ I say and Finn looks my way, almost in surprise that I am backing him and not Clarky.
‘I wouldn’t have a baby with someone who wasn’t prepared to marry me,’ Tiana asserts. ‘A child needs stability.’
‘So, if you’re not married you’re unstable? It’s only a piece of paper,’ Clarky reasons.
‘If you can’t commit to marriage then what does it say about your relationship?’ Finn asks.
I nod. ‘To me it says that if someone better comes along, there’s an easy way out.’
‘Exactly.’ Finn and I smile at one another. It feels great to be on each other’s side for once.
‘Clarky makes a fair point, though,’ Aggie puts in. ‘My marriage wasn’t stable for me or El, and my divorce was painful and expensive.’
‘How long did your marriage last?’ I ask.
‘Three years, but I’d known him for seven. I knew I’d made the wrong decision the moment I walked up the aisle. It felt like I was walking up this high cliff, and when I reached the sod, all I could see was this terrible drop. Then I saw my parents and it was the thought of the caterers, the party, the expense … I couldn’t back out. Pathetic, I know.’
‘It’s not pathetic,’ Clarky assures her.
‘I was too young,’ she admits gratefully. ‘You see, he’d asked me a number of times and eventually his sheer perseverance wore me down. But when I started to have problems with El … well, he did a runner. A disabled child ruined his image.’
‘You clearly married the wrong man,’ Finn says.
‘Like she doesn’t know!’ Clarky laughs mockingly.
Finn stares back at him, hard. ‘It must have been tough, Aggie, but that doesn’t mean marriage isn’t valid. I think you have to take a stand in life. You say “I do” in front of your friends …’
‘And God,’ Christo adds. Recently he’s been going to church.
Clarky’s shaking his head. ‘I think it’s completely wrong to suggest saying “I do” in church means more than a couple deciding they want to be together but they don’t want to do it that way. People who marry are like sheep. Most of them don’t even believe in God. All they want is the church, the flowers, the party, the white dress … not that they’re even virgins. Besides, I read somewhere that most children today are born out of wedlock. You lot are seriously old fashioned and out of touch.’
‘Some traditions are worth hanging on to,’ I argue. ‘You really don’t want to get married?’
‘I’m not rushing up the aisle. My parents had a suffocating relationship. You see so many screwed up marriages these days. I don’t want to add to the statistics.’
Finn laughs. ‘That’s the coward’s way out, Justin. “Let’s not bother because it never works”. What a sad way to look at the world.’
‘It’s not.’
‘I agree with Finn,’ Tiana says. ‘You have to have a belief system. If you don’t, you’re a shell.’
‘A shell? It’s not your mumbo-jumbo talk again, is it?’ Clarky jokes.
Tiana tries not to look hurt. ‘At least I believe in something and stand firmly by what I value. What do you believe in, Justin? When have you ever truly taken a stand? Or do you run away from all your problems?’
There is a crackle of tension around the table.
‘I’d still like to get rid of my surname,’ she starts again, attempting to lighten the conversation.
‘Again, why lose your surname? Tiana, if you get married cling onto yours, however it sounds. Why lose your identity?’ Aggie questions.
‘You’re not losing your identity!’ Finn cries out in despair. ‘It’s just the way it is! Keeping your own surname is so … I don’t know … so defensive, like calling yourself Ms.’
‘No, it’s not, Finn,’ Clarky says. He looks as if he’s washing a bad taste out of his mouth. ‘It’s personal choice, that’s all,’ he continues adamantly. ‘It’s sensible to use your old name for work too.’
‘Sensible? That’s romantic,’ Finn says with a large dollop of sarcasm.
‘You romance Josie, do you, Finn?’ Clarky waits for an answer.
‘I am romantic.’ He looks over at me. I’m feeling distinctly uncomfortable by now. Clarky and Finn will draw their swords before we know it. ‘J, aren’t I?’
‘You can be,’ I back him, thinking a few more cups of tea brought to me in bed would go a long way. But he did say that lovely thing to me about love at first sight not so long ago.
‘Thanks, darling.’
‘Always room for improvement, though.’
‘Did you want to keep your surname?’ he asks me.
‘Doubt she had a choice,’ mutters Clarky.
Finn ignores that.
‘The switch felt odd to begin with, but I had no longing to keep it.’
‘Well, I think you should tread very carefully before you marry because it can have disastrous consequences,’ says Aggie. ‘Don’t marry because you think you have to, or worse still because you’re pregnant. I know someone who did that and …’
‘Can we drop it now?’ I begin to clear the plates. ‘Coffee, anyone?’
*
I start to stack the dishwasher when they’ve all gone. Clarky and Aggie caught a taxi home. Will they kiss in the dark? Will they spend the night together?
‘The matchmaking worked,’ Finn says. ‘They clearly got on.’ He scratches the back of his head. ‘You’re quiet?’
‘Did we marry for the right reason?’
‘I believe in us,’ he says. ‘Tiana was so right, you have to have a belief system. Clarky drifts, uses one excuse after another not to commit to anything.’
‘I’m not talking about Justin.’
‘Christ, if you left me, J, I’d be lost. I’d grow a long beard, drink out of a whisky bottle and live on the streets, shouting “Jesus is LOVE,” like that old man you and George see.’
I smile at the idea. ‘We were young, though, weren’t we?’
‘We were old enough to know what we wanted. My parents’ marriage was a disaster, just like Clarky’s, but …’
‘You really don’t like him, do you?’
‘He’s all right.’
‘The tension was pretty clear tonight.’
‘J, he doesn’t like me.’
There’s a long pause before I say, ‘If you both dislike each other so much, why did you suggest a dinner party in the first place?’
He laughs with a shake of his head, as if I really should know the answer by now. ‘When you told me he liked Aggie, I felt this overwhelming sense of relief because,’ he breathes deeply, ‘at last it might get him out of our hair, once and for all.’ He takes the keys off the hook in the kitchen. ‘I’m going to get George.’ I watch him walk away from me. The door shuts behind him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
‘Blimey, he’s gorgeous,’ Tiana had said to me when she’d first met Finn, followed by a deep nudge to my stomach. ‘He was well worth the wait.’
In fact I still spent most of my days waiting until the evening when I could see him. Weekends were a slice of heaven. Forty-eight hours without interruptions. ‘When are you coming home?’ Mum would ask. ‘Your father and I can’t remember what you look like. When can we meet this Finn?’
We’d go out to nightclubs with Tiana and Christo, the music and happiness ballooning around us a
s soon as we entered the dark space. Finn had an old yellow Mini which we called Miss Lemon. The four of us drove around London in it late at night, music on in the background and the lights along the Embankment glittering with life. In the summer we had evening picnics in Hyde Park, each of us bringing a bottle of wine or cans of Pimm’s and beer. Tiana and Christo became close, so close that Finn and I wondered if they would get together, but they didn’t. They were like two lines that never quite met.
We’d meet on Sunday mornings at our local café, clutching mugs of coffee. We talked about books and films and politics and work and friends. The four of us loved to put the world to rights. I’d often ask Clarky if he wanted to join us but there was always ‘something on’. I knew he wasn’t exactly thrilled about Finn and me getting back together, but I was too happy to care.
I loved getting to know Christo again. He didn’t live in Finn’s shadow anymore. He worked for a record company, searching out new talent. He loved his job; you could see it in his face when someone asked what he did. He’d motivate me to circle every exciting job advert I saw. I had even applied for a job in Paris although I didn’t expect to get it because they were looking for someone with more experience. On the off chance I did, Finn and I would have to travel to see one another at weekends. This time a long-distance relationship would work.
Christo had also inspired me to carry on painting, saying that having my own exhibition wasn’t a ridiculous pipe dream. His encouragement was gentle but genuine. ‘All my life I’ve been told I’m no good. Don’t listen to stuff like that, J. Go out there and do it.’ Finn had agreed with him and together we’d gone to a few galleries to show them my work, but the truth was I needed a lot more in reserve. If I was really serious, I needed to be painting every spare minute I had. On one occasion I’d been distracted by seeing Finn’s back through the window. He was waiting outside for me as I tried to impress the gallery owners.
‘You have great talent but we’re not currently taking on new artists. Come back in six months’ time and I’ll see what’s on our books then,’ I was told.
‘Don’t give up,’ Finn said afterwards, taking my hand and locking his fingers round mine. I loved him for coming with me. With each day my love for him grew deeper. He was so much a part of my life now, as unchanging as the colour of my eyes.
You, Me and Him Page 21
