He squeezed her hand in reply, but he didn’t make the promise. Did she trust him, or should she pressure him to give his word? She couldn’t do either, and she wouldn’t breathe a hint of his gift to Gertie. J.T. had made a rash promise, and she didn’t want her sister to be disappointed if he failed to keep it. The possibility—even the likelihood—of J.T. going back to his old ways had to be considered. Bristling, she went to the divan and sat. Gertie’s letter lay neatly on the table, a testament to her sister’s naiveté and her own back in Abilene. “I wish Gertie could see what Roy’s doing.”
“So do I.”
She barely heard him. “She’s going to make the same mistakes I did. She’ll wear costumes that reveal too much, and then she’ll wear costumes that reveal more. Men will look at her, and she’ll feel beautiful. She’ll think she’s in love, and then she’ll—she’ll—” She shook her head to chase away the shame.
“Mary, don’t.”
Silhouetted by harsh light, he stood tall and bossy and as handsome as ever. “Don’t what?” she cried. “Don’t remember what I did?”
“Don’t blame yourself for Gertie’s choices.” He paused. “Or for what I took from you. You were innocent. I wasn’t.”
She couldn’t hear this, not now. “It’s over, J.T. Over. I’m forgiven. I forgive you. That’s enough.”
“Not for me.”
“It should be,” she said angrily. “We sinned. I regret it. Apparently so do you.”
“I do.” He paced across the room and stood in front of her. “I pressured you. It was gentle, but it was still wrong.”
She’d given herself to him freely, but he was right. She’d been naive. She hadn’t expected to conceive, and she wondered now what he’d say if she told him about the miscarriage. She didn’t know, and she was afraid to find out. Hurting for them both, she reached for his hand. “We can’t change the past, but we can put it behind us.”
He looked at their fingers laced in a pledge of sorts. “Do you really believe that?”
“I do.”
He shook his head. “I wish I could.”
“You can,” she said gently. “It’s a choice.”
“What is?”
“Starting over.”
“Not for me.” He looked into her eyes with a bleakness she’d hadn’t seen in Abilene, then he released her hand. “Do you really think I can hang up my guns? That I can just decide to be someone new?”
“I did,” she said. “You’re situation is more complicated, but no one knows what tomorrow holds.”
“That’s a fact.” He looked around the room, taking in the trinkets of her life both past and present. His eyes lingered on a vase she’d brought from Abilene, then he studied the animals Gus had carved and an embroidered sampler of a Bible verse. It had been a gift from Josh and Adie. Without her faith, her family and her friends, her apartment would have been a very different place, and J.T. knew it.
She’d given him all she had, so she held out her hand. “Let’s go to Swan’s Nest.”
He hesitated, then clasped her fingers. “I was going to skip supper, but I’m feeling hungry after all.”
As he helped her off the divan, Mary noticed Fancy Girl lying on her side in the sun. Her belly was round and firm, and…moving.
J.T. looked at the dog with affection. “I’ve been in town too long. She’s getting fat and lazy.”
Mary touched his arm. “I don’t think that’s it.”
He watched Fancy Girl, scowling until her tummy did a little roll. He looked closer, then his eyes widened. “Well, I’ll be. She’s having puppies.” He walked to the dog’s side, dropped to a crouch and put his hand on her belly. Mary stood watching, feeling the warmth along with him, then the beginning of new life when a puppy moved and a smile spread across his face. She’d seen J.T. smile before, but it had been nothing like the one she saw now. It came from the inside, some place hidden but full of life.
He pushed to his feet, then looked at her with awe. “I’ve never felt anything like that.”
“It’s amazing, isn’t it.”
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “I wonder when it’ll happen.”
“I’d guess a week or two.” She’d grown up around farm animals.
J.T. rubbed his neck. “Will she be all right with Gus and me on this trip?”
“I think so.”
He blew out a breath. “If that doesn’t beat all. My dog having puppies… Can Gus keep one?”
She felt rosy inside. “We’d both like that.”
J.T. clicked his tongue to the dog. Fancy lumbered to her feet, and the three of them left the apartment. Mary saw his horse in front of the café. “I don’t want Gus or Adie to worry. Why don’t you ride ahead?”
He gave her a look that bordered on scathing. “There’s no way I’m leaving without you. We’ll both walk.”
“That’s silly.”
His eyes flared with a spark she knew well. “Are you feeling a tad bit bold?”
“Why are you asking?”
“You can ride with me. We’ll take a back street so no one sees your petticoats.”
She hoisted her lilac skirt above her ankles, put her foot in the stirrup and pulled herself into the saddle. “Hurry up,” she teased.
He untied the reins, climbed up behind her and reached around her waist. “How fast do you want to go?”
In Abilene she’d trusted him to lead, and they’d galloped down long and twisting trails to nowhere. Today the path would lead to Swan’s Nest, but they could take the long way or a slower one. “You decide,” she said, feeling wistful.
He kept the buckskin at a walk until they turned the corner that led to the railroad tracks and a back way to the mansion. With the road empty, he eased the horse into a lope that wouldn’t strain Fancy Girl. When they arrived at Swan’s Nest, he slid off the buckskin and lifted her out of the saddle. She landed facing him with her hands on his shoulders. The scent of bay rum tickled her nose, and laughter from the garden filled her ears. Rising to her toes, she kissed his cheek.
His gaze hardened, but in a good way. “What was that for?”
“For everything,” she said. “For Gus. For Gertie…”
He held her a bit tighter. “I’m watching out for them. I’m keeping an eye on you, too.”
A week ago she had given J.T. the cold shoulder. Today she wanted—needed—to trust him. If he hadn’t come to Denver, she might have stepped into Roy’s trap. Not only did her siblings need this man’s influence, but she felt the stirrings of the old attraction. She wanted to hold him close. She yearned to comfort him and lean on him, but she knew how quickly he could disappoint her. She stepped out of his grasp. “Let’s find Gus.”
Side by side they walked into the garden with Fancy at J.T.’s side. They found Gus finishing his supper and told him about the puppies.
“C-c-can I keep one?”
J.T. grinned. “You get first choice.”
Mary left the two of them talking about dogs and camping while she searched for Adie. She found her friend in the house, putting Stephen down for a nap in the nursery. When the boy settled, Adie led Mary to the bedroom she shared with Josh. There she sat on the settee while Mary swayed in an old rocking chair, telling Adie about J.T.’s talk with Roy, Roy’s insistence she play Arline and his influence on Gertie.
“I’m terrified for her,” Mary finished. “She has no idea what she’s doing.”
“No, she doesn’t.” Adie looked peeved. “We want Gertie to come home, but you can’t force her.”
Mary agreed. “She’d run away again.”
“Have you considered talking to her plainly?” Adie meant about the scandal.
“I think about it all the time, but I can’t trust her to keep it to herself. And I’m ashamed. I want to be a good example for her. What will she think if she knows the things I’ve done?”
“It’s a tough choice, but one you’re going to have to make.” Adie straightened a pillow on the bench. “Whatever
you decide, Gertie’s not the only person you have to worry about.”
“There’s always Gus—”
“I’m not talking about your brother.” She nudged the pillow again. “I want to hear about that handsome man who’s obviously in love with you.”
“Adie!”
“Well, he is,” she said plainly. “Are you in love with him?”
Mary shook her head. “Absolutely not.”
“I saw you riding with him.” Adie didn’t have Caroline’s matchmaking instincts, but she could separate truth from wishful thinking with a shrewdness that came from experience. “You looked happy about it, too.”
“I was, but I don’t want to be. He hurt me terribly. I can’t trust him.”
“You’re trusting him with Gus and Gertie.”
“That’s different.”
“It’s also a start,” Adie said quietly.
“I will not fall in love!” Mary rocked harder in the chair. “Not with J.T. or any other man.”
“I said the same thing a year ago. So did Pearl Oliver, and look at her now.”
“That’s different.”
“Is it?” Adie asked. “Do you really think you can choose whom you love?”
Mary wanted to say yes, but she couldn’t deny the stirring in her heart. “I don’t know.”
“God isn’t blind to what’s happening between you two.”
“I don’t want anything to happen,” she insisted. “I don’t trust him. Besides, he’s not a Christian.”
“Neither was I before I met Josh.” Adie looked wistful. “He loved me anyway…as a friend.”
A lump pushed into Mary’s throat. The thought of trusting J.T. even as a friend terrified her. So did the sight of a baby blanket lying haphazardly on the settee and the glide of the chair where Adie rocked her son to sleep. She couldn’t love J.T. until she trusted him, and she couldn’t fully trust him until she told him her secret. She stared out the open window, listening to the chirp of a sparrow. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?”
The words spilled out before she could stop them. “I was with child when J.T. left me. I lost it.”
“I’m so sorry.” Adie reached for her hand. “Does he know?”
“No, and I can’t tell him. He’d say something mean, and I’d hurt all over again.”
“He might surprise you.”
He already had. What he’d done for Gus had left her in awe, and he’d been smart about Gertie. Mary knew how to cope with hurt feelings. J.T.’s good intentions unnerved her.
“Pray about it,” Adie advised.
Mary didn’t want to even think about it, but she had to be willing. “I’ll try.”
“That’s enough.”
Mary could have stayed in the quiet room for hours, but Gus and J.T. would be looking for her. “We should go back.”
The women returned to the garden, where Mary found J.T. seated with Bessie and Caroline, polishing off a meal. The next two hours passed in a blur. She expected him to be remote, but instead he entertained her friends with stories of his travels. He’d been all over the West, everywhere from Texas to Montana, and he’d seen everything from a line of twisters eating up the prairie to a cattle drive bigger than Rhode Island.
Near the end of the afternoon, Caroline and Jake the fiddler coaxed Mary into singing some old favorites. She had a grand time, but the real stars of the day were Gus and Fancy Girl. As the boy showed off her tricks with hand signals, Mary couldn’t decide who looked more proud—Gus or J.T.
The last surprise came as they stood to leave. When Josh offered to stable J.T.’s horses at Swan’s Nest, J.T. agreed and thanked him. Not once in Abilene had the man accepted a favor from anyone.
They said their goodbyes, then she and J.T. headed down the street, with Gus and Fancy Girl walking several feet ahead of them. If they’d been in Abilene, she’d have been expecting a kiss. She felt the anticipation now, and it was pleasant. She couldn’t trust J.T. with her heart, but did the battle have to be won before she kissed him? Common sense told her yes, but he deserved to know she appreciated the changes in him.
When they reached the café, Gus was waiting on the third step. She reached in her pocket and handed him the key. “Go on up. I’ll be right behind you.”
He hugged Fancy Girl so hard that Mary thought the dog would pop. J.T. watched with a smile. “Hey, girl. Kiss goodnight.”
He’d spoken to the dog, but his eyes were on her as Fancy licked Gus’s face with abandon.
“Good night, Fancy,” Gus said easily.
J.T. offered his hand to the boy and they shook. “Get some sleep, partner. We’re leaving early.”
The boy raced up the steps, leaving her alone with this man who confused her and dusk falling like a curtain. She knew J.T.’s ways. If she stayed, he’d kiss her. With streaks of pink coloring the horizon, a kiss seemed like a precious gift, a reminder that love trumped a man’s mistakes. She couldn’t trust J.T. completely, but he needed to know people cared about him. Feeling shy, she tilted her face up to his. He looked into her eyes like he’d done in Abilene, but he didn’t move. Instead he inhaled softly, then he kissed her on the cheek. “Good night, Mary.”
She’d expected more, wanted more. “You’re leaving?”
“Yeah.”
She didn’t know what to think.
“Go on, now,” he murmured. “Get upstairs before I kiss you the way I want.”
She couldn’t move her feet, couldn’t think beyond the shock of J.T. resisting the kiss she’d been willing to give. If he’d kissed her, her heart would have sped up. Without the kiss, it wanted to fly out of her chest. Instead of taking the gift she had freely offered, he’d chosen to protect her from possible regrets. She’d been ready to forget herself. Tonight J.T. had been strong.
She cupped his cheek. “There’s goodness in you, Jonah. I see it.”
He looked like he wanted to argue. Instead he murmured, “Good night, Mary. Pleasant dreams.”
She turned and went up the stairs, his presence gentle in her mind as he waited for her to step inside the apartment. She closed the door, then went to the window and looked down. Her eyes found his, and he acknowledged her with a nod. Touching the glass, she whispered a prayer for him, then watched as he walked down the street. She prayed for him until he vanished from sight, then she kissed her fingers and pressed them to the window, leaving a mark on the glass shining darkly between them.
Chapter Fourteen
Early the next morning J.T. had breakfast with Gus at the café, then the two of them rode to the stream past the Slewfoot Mine. They spent the day shooting at cans and laughing at stupid jokes, then they fished for their supper. They caught enough trout to feed themselves and Fancy Girl, burned a can of beans and ate all the biscuits Mary had tucked into Gus’s pack.
Full to the brim and tuckered out, Gus spread his bedroll on one side of the fire and climbed in. Fancy was stretched at his side. Yawning, the boy stared up at the stars. J.T. wasn’t ready to settle down. Sitting on a rock by the campfire, he refilled his coffee cup. The day had left him pleasantly worn out, but he was worried. When he and Gus first set up camp, he’d found two whiskey bottles, a sign someone had camped here last night. Whoever he was, he’d used the brand preferred by Griff Lassen. J.T. had tossed the bottles aside, but the smell had reminded him of the things he’d denied himself. In particular he was thinking of last night’s kiss…the one he’d held back.
In Abilene he’d have kissed her until she told him to stop, and he’d have made sure she didn’t want to stop. Last night he’d stopped for them both. It made no sense. For six months he’d imagined holding her close. She’d given him the chance and he’d stepped back. He had to be crazy or stupid, maybe both. He picked up a rock and heaved it into the dark.
Gus turned over in his bedroll. “A-a-are you all right?”
“Sure.”
“Y-y-you look mad.”
“Nah.” He dumped his coffee to
do something. “I was just thinking about stuff.”
“Yeah. Me, too.” Looking slightly nervous, the boy propped himself on one elbow. “C-can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“It’s about…where p-p-uppies come from.”
“Puppies?” J.T. almost stammered like Gus. “You mean like…where babies come from?”
“Sort of.”
No one ever got the jump on J.T., but Gus had caught him completely off guard. He had no desire to have this particular talk, but he also saw a need. What twelve-year-old boy wanted to ask his sister about such personal things? J.T. saw a chance to man up and do something good. He tossed a second rock. “So you want to know about babies and stuff.”
“S-s-sort of.”
The boy stammered more when he was worried, so J.T. took the bull by the horns. “It’s nature’s way, kid. A man and a woman—”
Gus shook his head. “I—I—I already kn-n-ow that part.”
Relief washed over J.T., until he realized Gus’s real question might be even harder to answer. “What do you want to know?”
“I know where b-b-babies come from. I just don’t know why.”
“Why what?”
“Why it happens.”
Six months ago, J.T. would have said nature took its course. Tonight he recalled not kissing Mary, and he knew he had to give Gus an honest answer. What he said would influence the boy for the rest of his life. J.T.’s own education on the matter had come from his oldest brother, and it had been crude. Even at a tender age, he’d known his brother was wrong-minded about women.
He saw a chance to give Gus something better. “The best way it happens is when a man and woman love each other and get married.” He didn’t bother telling the boy about the other ways it happened, or the worst ways.
“Wh-why do they love each other?”
“That’s a mystery to me, too.” He tapped his fingers on the enamel cup. “A man meets the right lady, and it just happens.”
“H-h-has it happened to you?”
The meaning of the question hit J.T. hard. For six months, he’d thought about finding Mary and being with her. He’d recalled how she’d cared for him in Abilene and how she’d made him smile. Not once had he thought beyond giving her a place to sing. Marrying hadn’t been in the plan, and neither had giving her children. He’d been too selfish to think about anything except his own wants. Last night when he hadn’t kissed her, he’d done it for her…he’d done it for them. The meaning of that choice hit him hard.
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