Now that he’d agreed to stay on with the band, the one of us to leave would be me.
And yes, while I was having a good time filling in for Linda, I was looking forward to when our life as an official couple could begin.
I was just thinking this while looking at cat videos on YouTube, when the bus went off-road. I had to grip the dinette table to keep from getting jostled around. It was late morning, and we were pulling up to the venue in Salt Lake City—our home for the next bunch of hours until the guys played the giant Fourth of July gig. And since it was an outdoor festival, driving over uneven ground to the secured lot behind the stage was a necessary evil—one that was standard operating procedure at outdoor concerts. But that I was getting used to it didn’t make it any more fun.
“What are you thinking about?” Sandy said to me just then. She was sitting across from me at the little table, wearing a Wiretap t-shirt—the one she’d gotten on the first night of tour—staring at me intently. I thought she’d been focused on her laptop, but apparently not.
I glanced down at the screen in front of me. “Cat videos.”
The withering look I got from my best friend said, “Try again.”
“What?” When the look didn’t disappear, I said, “Okay, how about ‘how not to fall out of the booth’ as Gary takes us four-wheeling?”
One of her shaped eyebrows went up. “No, what were you thinking about before that?”
I shrugged, though I was helpless to stop the blush that crept up my neck and face. I was not about to admit to thinking about the kiss that Dave—Will, I needed to think of him as Will, even in my head—and I had shared back in the hotel in Portland. I mean, I’d been barely thinking about it, but now that I’d been busted, it was all I could think about. God, had it only been four days ago that it had happened? It felt like both five seconds ago and an eternity. Weird how time could morph like that.
“Nothing,” I said.
She shot me a knowing grin and rolled her eyes. “Right,” she said, her tone leaving no doubt that she was totally onto me.
“Shut up,” I said, looking straight into her eyes so she knew I meant it. Because the guy in question, along with the rest of the band, was sitting barely feet away from us, playing video games at the front of the bus.
Not to mention that my father was up there with them, so, nope, not going there.
Anyway, she was one to talk, now that she’d basically hooked up with Max, Wiretap’s bass player. She said they weren’t actually dating (yet) since he was still grieving over his girlfriend’s death (he was now in therapy—Dad had flown in a shrink who was now on the payroll and living on the crew bus), but there was something going on. Something that had caused a one-eighty in the formerly broody and moody musician, so whatever that something was, I approved.
And so did my dad. He’d said Max was returning to the guy he’d first hired to join the band, which was a relief to everyone. Not that I’d ever met that guy, but I was starting to see glimmers of him. The truth was that I liked him much better than the Max I’d known before now.
While he’d never be the super-outgoing and jokey guy in the band (which was fine, since we had a couple of those already), he’d come a very long way since Sandy had worked her magic on him, whatever that was.
For that alone, I was thankful, but for her sake, I was really, really happy that they’d found each other, even though I never would have guessed those two would end up together. Still, I was thrilled. She was my bestie, after all, and I loved her like crazy.
Until she did things like go out of her way to embarrass me. Like at that very moment when she was making a mocking kissy face which made me blush harder. I did my best to ignore it since she had her back to them and the guys wouldn’t see it anyway. Still, I made a mental note to somehow get her back later.
Once the bus pulled to a stop, the guys knew the routine and sprang into action. They finished with their game and tucked the console away, ready to head out and start their work day. We’d only been on the road for—I had to stop and do the math—twelve or thirteen days, but they’d quickly learned once we were at a location, it was time to work.
A glance out the window told me our security detail was already there, waiting for us. We’d had some issues with overzealous fans already, and Dad did not want to take chances, so since our gig in San Francisco two days ago, Venjamin and Stefan were our constant shadows.
They were big shadows, too. Ven was an ex-Israeli army Krav Maga MMA type guy, and Stefan was an ex-Navy SEAL. Pretty badass. There were two other guys—Barry and Kent, who were also ex-military—dedicated to the crew and other vehicles, but we didn’t see them as much. Between the four of them, we all felt a lot safer, especially when it came to outside events where venue security could be harder to manage.
Without a word, Kiki—our wardrobe, hair, and makeup Goddess—and our driver, Gary, left the coach. Not that an explanation was needed: she needed to get wardrobe set up, and Gary usually took time after a drive to stretch his legs before he’d return to shower, wind down, and roll into his bunk.
“Looks like a great day out there,” Chris said as he bent down to look out the side window of the coach. He was at the back of the line of boys who’d grabbed their stuff and were heading outside to join Kiki and start to get ready for the day’s concert. “Good crowd already.”
“This festival pulls a big audience,” my dad said. “And they start early, it being the holiday and all. They put on a great fireworks show, too. Should be a good day all around.”
It also meant a long day, but we were used to that and the chronic fatigue that plagued tour. Nonetheless, the guys were buzzing with energy, which was a good thing, especially since an unspoken melancholy had descended the night before when it sunk in that no one would be home for the Fourth.
The good news was that there was time enough for us to linger for a bit in Salt Lake so we could take in the fireworks after the concert. The guys were probably a bit homesick, so Sandy and I had planned to make sure there were lots of snacks and blankets, too, so that while it wouldn’t be just like home, it would be as close as we could get.
Once the boys were all off the bus, Dad came over to the table, dropped into the seat beside me and put an arm around my shoulders. He must have been reading my mind because he said, “You missing being at the beach house this year?”
It was kind of a stupid question since I had planned to spend the entire summer at our beach house, but the truth was, I wasn’t missing it as much as I would have thought. Being with him on tour meant the thing that was the most important part of my holiday weekend—him—was already with me. Though there was something to be said for sitting on the beach, eating a pile of seafood, and watching the fireworks out over the water—our longstanding tradition. It had always been my total happy place, and for good reason.
“A little,” I said with a shrug.
“Well,” he said, giving me a wry look. “If it makes you feel better, Linda’s out there enjoying herself, so we can live vicariously through her.”
“What?” Sandy, who, had our plans not changed, would have been on that beach with me, demanded.
Dad smiled over at her and then back at me. “Well someone should get use of it. But don’t get too jealous, knowing her, she’s working,” he said with a shake of his head.
“She’s probably hosting a huge party,” Sandy pouted.
I doubted that but looked at my dad to get his reaction, since I still wasn’t sure how to define his relationship with Linda. Were they just close work colleagues? Dating? Friends with benefits? Ugh, maybe I didn’t want to know.
“Unlikely,” he said. “But maybe a few neighbors will drop by. She’s still supposed to be taking it easy on that foot. I’m glad she’s resting.”
“Any word on when she’ll be joining tour?” I asked, not sure where I stood on her returning, especially now that things were going so
well.
“Not yet. I don’t need to tell you how physical tour can be,” Dad said, and I read from his disappointed tone that he expected her to be out all summer.
His phone rang then. As he stood and pulled it from his pocket, Sandy and I both got up and started moving. It was time to grab our gear and follow the guys off the bus. The crew vehicles had already arrived, so we’d go out and join them to get the lay of the land, check out the venue, and start on setup.
“Hey Linda,” Dad said as he answered his phone.
“Speak of the devil,” Sandy muttered as she used the elastic around her wrist to tie her hair back into a ponytail—it was funny how low maintenance she’d become in just two weeks on tour.
I slid my feet into my flip-flops, hoping that after we got the boys settled, I’d get some free time at the festival with Sandy.
“What?” Dad barked suddenly into the phone, his surprised tone drawing my gaze to him. His eyes were wide in shock as he stared right at me.
I glanced at Sandy, who just shrugged, and then back at him. “What’s wrong?” There wasn’t much that shocked my dad, so it had to be something big. “Is Linda okay?” I hoped she hadn’t had a setback in her recovery. It’s not like she would have been playing beach volleyball or something like that to reinjure herself, but another fall...
Dad ignored me, his eyes suddenly unfocusing as he spoke into the phone. “Are you sure?” he said as his left hand rose to scrub over his face, the heel of his palm coming to rest over his eye. “No, of course. Yes...no, it was a stupid question. I’ll...I don’t know what to do. What should I...?”
Okay, so now I was getting freaked out.
“All right. No, you’re right. I’ll get back to you as soon as I have five minutes to think. Okay?” He then nodded, said a clipped, “Thanks, Linda, I’m sorry that you—okay, thanks,” and ended the call.
He looked haunted as he slipped his phone into the pocket of his khaki shorts, his eyes on mine.
“What is it,” I said, my heart racing as adrenaline coursed through me. “What’s wrong?”
He took a deep breath, his chest expanding. He sighed and then said two words that nearly bowled me over. “Your mother.”
“Huh?” I said, not comprehending. My mother died in a plane crash after she’d run off with one of Dad’s young musicians. Did this have something to do with her estate? Then: Oh God, I thought, they’ve finally found her remains in the ocean. Nearly five years later. It seemed inconceivable, but...
I dropped onto the sofa, thankful it was behind me, or I might have ended up on the floor. “What is it?” I asked. “What did they find?”
“No, it’s not...” my father said, taking the seat beside me and reaching for my hand. That his was shaking made it even worse. “Nothing like that, Nessa. She...my God...she showed up at the beach house looking for us.”
I just stared at him as his words seeped into my brain but didn’t make sense. Who showed up? A coroner? A lawyer?
But then he made it really, really clear: “Nessa, your mom...somehow, after all this time. She’s alive.”
Salt Lake, Salt Rivers
“What?” came out of Sandy, echoing my own unspoken astonishment at this inconceivable news. I glanced up at her; she might have been my mirror image with her wide eyes and gaping mouth.
We both turned and looked at my father who had suddenly gone ashen, all the stress and grief he’d dealt with through therapy and the passing of time coming back like a tsunami crashing over him. I could see it on his face: Years of healing come undone in just seconds.
My need to help him put my own shock on the shelf. At least for the time being. I squeezed his hand. “Dad? How is this possible?”
“I don’t know, Nessa...I...” He exhaled and shook his head. “They never found her body, the wreckage...anything. I guess...she must have survived somehow. I... what Linda told me just now—that she showed up at the house looking for us, assuming we’d be there for the holiday—that’s all I know.”
“That’s messed up,” Sandy said, and when we both looked at her, she shook her head. “Sorry, I mean...it’s great, though, right?”
Yes, of course, it was great that she was alive after being lost—at sea? On a deserted island?—for so long, but why did it not feel great? Why did it feel like I suddenly had the weight of that crashed airplane on my shoulders? Like I was being crushed by my horrible past jumping forward to be my present?
“Are you going to go?” Sandy asked, and I thought she was talking to me, but it was my father she was looking at.
He stared at her for a long moment before he said, “She’s my wife.” As if that was a good answer.
Anger, the anger that I’d tried to stuff down deep inside for years, the anger over her leaving, over having to deal with the aftermath, the grief, the media, the anguish of watching my father come apart, bubbled up inside me. I pulled my hand from Dad’s and wasn’t able to stop that anger from pouring out of my mouth. “The wife who left you for a kid. A kid you made into a star,” I said.
Sandy gasped, but I didn’t take my eyes off my father.
“I hardly need a reminder of what she did, Vanessa,” Dad said in a clipped tone, narrowing his eyes at me. “And he wasn’t exactly a kid. He was twenty-one.”
I snorted because seriously, the fact that the guy was just barely legal to drink really made a difference?
“She’s still my wife,” he said again. Then his expression softened as he looked at me, tilting his head. “And she’s still your mother.”
I shook my head. “No. She stopped being my mother when she abandoned us.”
Dad reached for my hand again. “Nessa...”
“No,” I blurted as I shook him off and got to my feet. “No, I can’t do this. Not again. It was bad enough when she was dead. At least then I could have believed maybe she would have come back if she could have—realizing she’d made a big mistake by running off with him. Now? Now I know she didn’t care for five years.”
Dad dropped his head into his hands, his shoulders hunched, a show of emotion that undid me, the hot tears finally rolling down my face.
“You don’t know,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Maybe she wanted to come back. Maybe she was stuck on an island in the middle of the ocean all that time. They never found the plane, Nessa. Maybe it’s taken her this long to come back to us.”
He looked up at me then, tears in his own eyes, but his expression was one of hope.
My dad, forever the optimist—a big part of the reason it had taken him so long to get over her—waiting for her to come back, to be miraculously found. To realize her mistake
But when I thought of the woman she had been—and I’d thought a lot over the past several years about what kind of woman would leave her husband and daughter to run off with a young rock star—I couldn’t help but think he was in denial. She wouldn’t have come back. She sealed her fate when she left.
“There has to be more to it, Dad. Why now? What does she want from us now?”
He looked up at me. “Of course there’s more to it. We owe it to her to hear her story.”
“Hear her story? What about your story? My story? How we had to pick up the pieces after she left. What we had to deal with. Being dragged through the media. The way she totally humiliated and abandoned us. You think it’ll be any better now?” I spread my arms wide, gesturing at the bus around me. “You think this all won’t make it a million times worse? The band is on fire right now. Everyone’s talking about them and that you put them together. Her coming back right now is going to get leveraged into the Tony Capri tabloid story all over again. Is that what you want?”
“I haven’t forgotten, Vanessa,” he said, “You seem to think I have a bad memory. I’ve chosen to get past what happened, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten it. And no, I don’t want to get dragged through the media again, but if it mea
ns your mother isn’t dead...”
“Maybe it was better when she was,” I blurted, knowing the second the words were out of my mouth that it had been the wrong thing to say.
“Nessa!” Sandy gasped.
“You don’t mean that,” Dad said with a cringe. “That’s not...you’re not being fair.”
Fair? Fair to whom? Who did I need to be fair to? “Are you kidding? Do you seriously think she’s the victim in all this?” I asked, incredulous.
“I...” he exhaled loudly, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to think. Of course, it was her choice to leave the way she did. But after that... I don’t know. If she was out there lost for nearly five years... I feel like I need to hear what she has to say.”
That’s when it hit me. “You still love her.”
He stared at me. Saying nothing. Not saying no.
“You do. Somehow after all this time, you still love her even though—” I broke off, overcome by the tears, unable to go on. Sandy’s arms came around me then, though there was no comfort in it. Her embrace felt like a cage closing in on me.
My entire universe had just turned on its axis. I needed time to scream, to rage, to process. I needed to be alone to figure things out.
“Let me—” I cried as I struggled out of Sandy’s arms and ran off the bus, ignoring both her and my father as they called out my name.
The problem, when you’re the kind of person who rarely allows her emotions to get the better of her, is that when it does happen, it’s usually a pretty epic fail.
Like at that moment. When I found myself a teary, slobbery mess, without a cell phone or any cash wearing flip-flops. In a secured lot at a festival. In the middle of Utah under the blazing sun.
For a fraction of a second as the wall of heat hit me and I realized I was woefully unprepared to be off the bus, I considered turning around, but couldn’t face what—and who—I’d just run from. Except that the who was my dad. The guy who meant more to me than anyone on the planet. The single (until five minutes ago) member of my family.
The Rosewoods Rock & Roll Box Set Page 64
