“Did you stay with your husband even after you realized you were in love with Iris?”
“Yes, at first. But then … then … my son was murdered. Kidnapped and murdered.” Heida coughed.
“You don’t have to tell me any more if you don’t want to,” Michal said.
“I want to, I have to. I’ve lived with the guilt for all these years. I need to tell someone what happened. Iris and I were together, we were alone in my flat making love on the day that my little boy was killed. I had sent Ludwig to play with one of his friends who lived only a street away so that Iris and I could be alone. I have never forgiven myself.
He was only five years old. He should never have been outside walking alone. I should have taken him to his friend’s house and brought him back. But I didn’t. Instead I was selfish. I told him to walk to Earl’s house. He was so excited to be allowed to go out all alone. ‘I am such a big boy now,’ he said to me before he left. You see, I wasn’t thinking. Iris and I had very little time alone together, and I craved every minute I could get to be alone with Iris. Between Iris’ schedule and Gerwig’s it was hard to arrange a time when she and I could be together. That day, we had two hours before Gerwig was to return.
I watched Ludwig walk down the street. He turned back and smiled at me. Oh God, Michal. Then Ludwig was gone … gone forever. Somewhere between our house and Earl’s house he met with someone who took him away from us forever. Gerwig didn’t even know about Iris and me, but he blamed me, blamed me for not watching Ludwig better. He was right. I should have taken better care of my little boy. But Gerwig didn’t have to punish me. I punished myself. Every day, the guilt and misery of losing my child grew stronger. I had to tell Gerwig the truth. The truth was eating me alive. He had to know everything. You see, I wanted the blame. I wanted him to yell and scream and condemn me to hell for the rest of my life. And he did … he threw me out. I went home to my family, but Gerwig had told my parents about Iris and me and they kicked me out too.
I avoided Iris for several months.I felt that God was punishing me for loving her and the best thing to do was to stay away from her. So, I had to survive, I had no place to go. I found a job as a maid, scrubbing the floors in a brothel. I was on my hands and knees, my knuckles bled, and I was glad for the punishment. Well deserved, for what I had done, I thought. But my soul cried out for Iris. If I could see her, talk to her, tell her everything, I might be able to close this gaping wound in my heart. So, finally I went to see her. She let me in, never asked me why I had been gone from her life for so long. We sat in silence in her living room for a quarter of an hour. Then I told her everything, all about what happened, where I was working, everything. She listened, then she took me in her arms and I wept. Iris asked me to move in with her and I did. And even though the neighborhood shunned us and even though I’d lost my little boy, I found a ray of sunshine in this world. My Iris, my love. For a while we were happy. Then the Nazis came. I was arrested. Every day I pray that with God’s help, somehow Iris got away. I don’t know for sure that she did. I was arrested on the street while she was at home. It happened when I was going to the butcher shop. Someone, one of our neighbors I am sure, told the Gestapo that Iris and I were lesbians. They picked me up in a black car and well, here I am. I have not seen Iris since. Every day, I pray, I pray for her and I pray that God is a forgiving God and not a punishing God.”
“I believe he is a forgiving God,” Michal said as she patted Heida’s arm.
“Do you believe that my sin with Iris was what caused Ludwig’s death?”
“No, I don’t believe love in any shape or form is ever a sin. What happened to your son is a terrible tragedy, but it is not your fault. You must believe that.”
“I am trying. Every day I am trying. I should have taken the half hour to walk him to his friend’s house and make sure he arrived safely.”
“I did some terrible things in my life too. And there were times that I wondered the same thing as you, if God is a forgiving or a punishing God. But as I said, I do believe he is a forgiving God.”
“You couldn’t have done anything as bad as I did.”
“I grew up in a religious family, and so when I was separated from my husband and I took a lover, a man I was not married to, a voice in the back of my mind always reminded me of the Ten Commandments. You know, the one about adultery. So, yes, there have been times that I wondered if I have been condemned to this prison as a punishment for my sins. However, I refuse to believe that God would do this to me. No, Heida, it is not God who has put us in here but horrible human beings. Men of flesh and blood created this place, not God.”
“If there really is a God, I wonder why He doesn’t do something to stop them,” Heida asked.
“Free will? I don’t know. My first husband was a Talmud scholar; he used to talk about God giving us free will. Maybe that’s it. I don’t know. I wish I had an answer. I ask myself all the time why God has abandoned us here.”
“It is hard for me to keep believing. But, I must. If I don’t believe there is a God, then there is no one I can even hope might help Iris. I can’t imagine you taking a lover, Michal. You seem like such a straightlaced girl. What happened?”
“Well, in the beginning of our marriage, my husband Taavi and I had a lot of problems. Something terrible happened to me and because of it, there was a wall between my husband and me. Let me explain. I was married before to another man before my marriage to Taavi. His name was Avram. It was an arranged marriage. But he was a kind and good man. We had a nice marriage. He was killed when the Cossacks invaded our village. They murdered Avram and one of them raped me. Taavi saw it happen. In fact if it weren’t for him I would probably be dead. He saved me by killing the Cossack. Then he got me out of the village during the attack. I fell in love with him and married him. But I was damaged by the rape, and it stood between us. I felt dirty, and I couldn’t even stand to think of a man touching my body. And so I was unable to be a true wife to Taavi.”
“You mean you couldn’t make love with him.”
“That’s right. I couldn’t. I tried but it was too difficult. It brought back memories of the rape. At the time Taavi was young and eager. He was hurt and offended, but still I couldn’t change what I was feeling. One night, he’d gone out with a friend and had too much to drink. He came home and in desperation, he forced himself on me. He didn’t know it until much later, but I got pregnant that night. Anyway, after he forced himself on me we fought and then we separated. It’s a very long story. But during our separation, I fell in love with a man who wrote children’s stories. We had a beautiful affair. He was kind and gentle and because he was so patient, I found that I was finally able to make love with him. His name was Otto, and he helped me in so many ways. But then I found out that he was bisexual and I was appalled. I treated him badly. I guess it was the shock and the pain of what I considered a betrayal. Now I see that everything worked out the way that it was supposed to. My relationship with Otto actually brought me back to Taavi. But at the time, I was cold and terrible to Otto. He begged me to try to understand, but I couldn’t. So I took my daughter, Alina, and left him. Then Otto’s sister came to me and told me that he was sick and he was dying. I went to him to tell him I was sorry, but he was already unconscious and then he was gone. I wish I’d had the chance to talk to him.”
“Sometimes it happens like that. We regret the things we couldn’t or didn’t say.”
“Otto could not give me all of himself, he wasn’t made that way, and I didn’t understand at the time. But, after Otto died, I was able to forgive Taavi. We got back together and I was finally able to be a wife to him. It was then that I introduced Taavi to his daughter, Alina. He was a wonderful father from the beginning. Then, from that day on Taavi and I began to build our lives together. So, I owe Otto a great deal.”
She smiled. “I’m sure wherever he is, wherever people go when they die, he knows that you’re sorry.”
“I hope so.”
&nb
sp; It wasn’t long before Michal and Heida found out the reason for Himmler’s visit. He’d come to recruit guards and kapos for his new project, a prison camp the Nazis were putting together called Auschwitz.
Chapter 40
Michal
One thousand prisoners were chosen the following day to become kapos at Auschwitz. It was a time of upheaval and that always meant danger in Ravensbruck.
The women were called out to roll call that morning. As usual the prisoners lined up. Then the selection began. The guards were told by Himmler to sort through the prisoners and find the cruelest and toughest among them to be sent to Auschwitz. Some of the women were already known to be hard and heartless; they were chosen first. Among them were a woman who had run a brothel, a well-known prostitute, several unbreakable political prisoners, and to Michal’s surprise a group of Jehovah’s Witnesses who she was sure did not possess the cruel streak that the guards were seeking. From where Michal stood, she could see Heida. One of the young female guards known to be brutal to prisoners had pulled Heida out of line. Michal wasn’t able to hear what was being said. But she saw the guard putting a gun in Heida’s hand and pointing to another prisoner. The other prisoner got down on her knees. The prisoner’s whole body was trembling. It was like watching a silent horror film. From where she stood Michal knew the prisoner was crying. Then Michal heard the guard yell, “Shoot her and you’ll come with us as a kapo.” Everyone knew that the kapos got better food, better treatment.
The guard was ordering Heida to kill. Heida held the gun pointed at the prisoner who was kneeling on the ground.
“Shoot,” the guard said again. “Shoot or I will kill you.”
Michal was shuddering so hard she was afraid she might fall over. She’d learned to stay quiet, to be as invisible as possible. This was the way to survive. But now she couldn’t. Her friend was in trouble, and she had to do something even if it meant her life. Michal ran out of line.
“Where are you going? Get back in line,” another guard screeched, but Michal had already reached Heida.
“You have one second to kill her. If you do, you will go to Auschwitz, where you‘ll get better rations and a better bed. A bed without lice. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? If you don’t kill her, I’ll shoot you.”
Heida’s hand was shaking so badly that she could barely keep the gun from falling to the ground. She couldn’t do it.
Michal looked at Heida and she knew Heida couldn’t do it. There was less than a second to make a choice. Because in less than a second Heida would be dead and there would be no way back to this moment.
Michal could hardly breathe, but she grabbed the gun. “I’ll do it. I’ll kill her.”
“A brave little Jew. Go ahead let me see if you can kill her and if you do I’ll send you and your friend, Heida. Yes, why not? Do it and you both get out of here and go to Auschwitz, Don’t do it and I’ll kill you both.” the guard said, clearly amused.
Now that she was close enough to see the woman on the ground, Michal felt the fire inside of her going dim. How could she kill this woman? The woman was so thin that her tall body looked like a broom handle. There were angry red patches on her bald head. She was crying, whimpering. Don’t look at her eyes, Michal told herself. She felt the bile rising in her throat.
“Kill her or I’ll kill your friend,” the guard said. “This is beginning to bore me. Do it now, this is your last chance,” she was shouting.
The guard turned a gun on Heida and for a brief second Michal wanted to shoot the guard, but she knew that if she dared, more guards would come and both she and Heida would be killed on the spot. So, she aimed at the woman on the ground and pulled the trigger. Blood spattered in Michal’s face. Michal felt vomit rise into her mouth, but she dared not puke or cry.
“Oh you surprise me, little Jew. Is this woman your lover?”
Neither Heida nor Michal answered. There was no right answer. They were at the mercy of this guard. She would do with them whatever she chose.
The pretty young Nazi guard laughed. Then she shot Heida. Michal gasped. She turned the gun on Michal, but when she fired, the gun didn’t go off. She tried again and failed again. Then the Nazi shrugged and looked at Michal. “It’s your lucky day, Jew, you won’t die today. But you won’t go with us to Auschwitz either. Get back in line and make it schnell.”
After roll call was over, Michal watched as the prisoners took Heida’s body away. Heida had been her only friend in this pit of Hell and now she was gone. “Go to God, my friend, and be at peace,” Michal whispered as the women pulling Heida by her arms and legs disappeared behind a building.
That night Michal woke up sweating. She’d had a dream of the woman he shot that day and it was so real that she relived all the horror of the murder. “I’m so sorry,” Michal said in her dream. “I didn’t want to do it.” As she lay awake remembering the dream, she knew that this nightmare would haunt her forever.
Chapter 41
Taavi, Autumn 1942
Taavi did as Lotti recommended. He stayed out of sight. He went off into the country and slept in barns and cellars. He ate what he could find or steal. But he could not begin to imagine how he might find Michal and his family, and without his wife and children, life was meaningless. At night, when the weather was good he slept under the stars and thought about all of the wasted time he and Michal had spent apart because of his arrogant stubbornness. He thought about his daughters and remembered the way Alina would run to him with her arms outstretched crying, “Daddy, look at the picture I drew for you.” Or Gilde would say, “Daddy, Daddy, watch, I am going to sing and dance for you.” When those memories came rushing at him, drowning him in their wake, he almost wished he would have died in prison. After all, he was their father, the man of the house. It was his job, his responsibility to care for and protect his family. And he had failed. Failed miserably. From living in the forest, Taavi learned never to sleep deeply. It seemed he had become accustomed to hearing unfamiliar sounds in his sleep. And he’d learned to awaken in seconds, be on his feet and to go from sleep to running without even moment’s pause. Somehow he had managed to learn to live off the land even in the dead of a terrible winter. It was not easy; he’d nearly frozen to death a couple of times when he could not find a vacant barn or cellar. He was always lean and hungry. But he’d survived, and he believed that if he continued to hide and keep moving he would make it through until all of this ended one way or another. Either Germany would be victorious, and that would mean disaster for the Jews, or with God’s help, somehow the Nazis would lose their power. But what did all of this mean to Taavi? He couldn’t wait for the outcome of the war- he needed to find his family now. He couldn’t rest until he found them, and if it meant taking a risk, it was worth it. Because Taavi hadn’t been in contact with a living soul since he’d left Lotti’s home, Taavi did not know that America had entered the war against Germany. All he knew was that he hid when he saw German troops come through the countryside. Taavi had no idea how far Hitler had gone in his pursuit of power. But, he refused to believe that Michal or his daughters might be dead. The very thought was so painful that it left him breathless, his stomach aching. He bit his lower lip. He could no longer hide like a frightened animal. He had to go back and speak to the only person he knew who had enough influence and plenty of friends in the Nazi Party to help him. Frieda. He had hurt her far too many times. And, he knew she felt betrayed, again. If circumstances had been different he would never have gone to her the first time and he certainly would not be considering returning to her again. Even though Frieda was still caught up in the sexual depravity of the bygone Weimar era, and she was a stubborn, strong, and successful businesswoman, she had a weakness. Her weakness was Taavi. And Taavi knew it. He knew that Frieda was infatuated with him. And because of her feelings for him, she would put herself at risk to save him. After all, she’d done it once. She was a smart woman. Frieda knew when she got him released that if she were caught she would have been puni
shed for even attempting to help a Jew. But she had not given in to fear. Instead she had not hesitated to pay that Nazi bastard Braus for his release. Taavi was grateful to her. He was more grateful than he could ever express to her. Because Taavi knew that the only gratitude that Frieda would understand was his willingness to surrender his love and his life to her. But this he was not able to give. Now, he was about to see her, and instead of getting down on his knees and begging her to take him back, he would be selfishly asking her to put her own feelings aside. Again. Taavi would have to hope that Frieda’s love for him was strong enough that she would be willing to help Michal, the woman who made her heart ache with jealousy. He would have to pray that somewhere inside the coarse and brazen Frieda was a golden beam of light that would make her soften to his pleading. Tavvi hoped that she would make her take pity upon his desperation. And Taavi was desperate. He had to be to beg Frieda to help the woman he loved as he had never loved Frieda, not even in the heat of their affair. And if she by some miracle agreed, he knew that she would once again be putting herself in danger for him. However, once again, she was his only hope. And she was Michal’s only hope. So, even though he felt terribly guilty for what he was about to do, he was going to go back to Frieda and he was going to get on his knees and beg her to help him just one more time.
A Family Shattered: Book Two in the Michal's Destiny Series Page 20
