Autumn got a flannel from the bathroom and gently wiped the blood from Nadia’s mouth and chin, then made her tea. While she ran a bath for her, Nadia went in to see Lewis. He was in his own bed, arm thrown back over his head, deep in sleep. Oh, to be so contented, so unaware. Her heart was full of love for her sleeping child. She wanted a better life for him. What about when he was of an age to be out on his own? She’d be sick with worry every time he moved. Stroking his hair, she kissed his warm cheek. He was her life and she had to do all that she could to protect him.
In the bathroom, she sat on the loo seat and sipped her tea through the straw Autumn had found for her as it was too painful to touch the cup to her lip. Autumn swished the bath water, adding some vanilla-scented foam.
‘I’ll sit here,’ Autumn said, her face still etched with concern. ‘I don’t want to leave you alone. I can stay the night too.’
‘I’d like that,’ Nadia said. Physically, she’d probably got off lightly. Emotionally, she felt like a total wreck. It would be good to have Autumn here.
‘I’ll phone Miles in a minute and tell him what’s happened. We can put Lewis in your bed and I’ll climb into his.’
Nadia let out a wavering sigh and tears sprang to her eyes once more. ‘What am I going to do? I need to move away from this place.’
‘It’s no wonder you’re feeling jittery, but don’t do anything hasty.’ Autumn helped her off with her T-shirt, wincing along with her as she lifted it over her head. ‘It will all look better in the morning.’
But would it? Nadia thought. Autumn always looked on the bright side, but the reality of the situation made her feel sick to her stomach. Both the front and the back doors were double locked and bolted, yet she still felt vulnerable. She’d been thinking about selling up for a while; maybe now was the right time.
Chapter Thirteen
Chantal flicked through the battered glossy magazine in her hand. There were a couple of dozen other ladies in the hospital waiting room. It was clearly a busy clinic.
If she was honest, she was feeling a bit of a fraud. She’d only had a few twinges, a bit of an ache; she hoped that she wasn’t wasting everyone’s time. Some of these women could be genuinely ill and she was taking up valuable space. Until they separated, she’d always been on Ted’s private health insurance and never had to consider these things. Now she didn’t want to waste valuable NHS resources.
‘Nervous?’ Lucy asked. Chantal nodded. ‘Terrified. No one likes hospitals. I hate being poked and prodded about.’
‘Look.’ Lucy nudged her. ‘I’ve got a handbag full of chocolate-chip cookies in case of emergencies. Want one?’
Chantal shook her head. ‘I’m not hungry.’ Despite having had a flippant attitude about the dull ache that had been troubling her over the past few months, she was now feeling anxious about this appointment. She’d never had a breast scan before and was quite surprised when her GP had suggested it. She’d fully expected the doctor to give her a prescription for painkillers and send her on her way.
Lucy put her arm around her. ‘You’ll be all right. I can feel it in my bones.’
‘It’s probably nothing,’ Chantal agreed. ‘I’m convinced there’s a pulled muscle in my ribs somewhere. Lifting Lana up and down all day is like a boot camp workout in itself.’
‘Absolutely,’ Lucy said readily. ‘But still best to get it checked out.’
‘You sound like Jacob.’
Lucy laughed. ‘That’s because he adores you.’
At least that made Chantal smile. ‘I think maybe you’re right.’
‘I’m so glad that you two finally got together. You’re made for each other and he’s a total star with Lana. If ever there was a man who should be a father, it’s Jacob.’
‘He’s taken her to Borough market to entertain her, bless him. He is good with her. I’m so lucky.’ Jacob had wanted to come with her for this appointment, but she felt happier with one of the girls accompanying her. He was better caring for Lana, so she didn’t have to stress about her. ‘I said I’d text him when I come out.’
‘Hopefully, you’ll be done soon,’ Lucy said. ‘They seem to be moving quite quickly. Though I’d be quite happy to sit and work my way through these biscuits for a bit longer. Sure you don’t want one?’
Chantal shook her head as Lucy helped herself to another one. She’d had no appetite at all recently. ‘Maybe when I’m done.’
‘Has Ted been in touch?’
‘Yes. But I didn’t bother to tell him about this. You know what Ted’s like. He doesn’t do illness. He’d rather not know if there was anything wrong. Other than that, he’s fine. I’m glad that it’s worked out for all of us.’ Chantal sighed. ‘I don’t know how Ted and Stacey are faring behind closed doors, but they seem happy enough.’ Even if they were struggling, she didn’t think Stacey would confide in her now.
‘How’s Elsie?’
‘Thriving, by all accounts. I think Ted and Stacey will be over to visit soon. Ted has work back in London and there are dozens of papers still to sign. Perhaps we can all get together then.’
‘You’re being very civilised about this,’ Lucy noted.
‘We’re trying. We’re all stuck with each other now. I think it would have been a lot harder for me if I hadn’t been able to lean on Jacob.’
‘He makes a very good shoulder to cry on.’
‘I don’t know what I’d do without him.’ They weren’t living in the same house yet, but when they sorted out the property from the divorce, they would move in together. Jacob was planning to keep his own place and rent it out. It was very much a bachelor pad and not suitable as a family home. She couldn’t imagine Lana’s sticky fingers all over his beautifully lacquered kitchen cabinets or her toys over his white oak floor. She smiled to herself. Poor Jacob. He’d have to get used to a few years of standing on unexpected Lego bricks.
‘Not thinking of following me and Crush down the aisle?’
Chantal shook her head. ‘I don’t think there’s any need for us to rush. It’s still early days and we’re just happy as we are. Moving in together is a big enough step for now.’
Lucy sighed. ‘I can’t wait to be Mrs Aiden Holby.’
‘I can’t wait either,’ Chantal said. ‘I sincerely hope nothing goes wrong this time. I’m having sleepless nights for you. And I have everything crossed!’
‘Nothing,’ Lucy stated emphatically, ‘will stop my wedding this time.’
‘You’re with the right man,’ Chantal said, resting her head on her friend’s shoulder. ‘How lucky are we that we’ve both found such love.’
‘And Autumn’s doing all right, too. Miles is great. They make a lovely couple. We just have to get Nadia fixed up.’
‘I have a good feeling about James the gentleman farmer,’ Chantal said. ‘Let’s keep our fingers crossed.’
‘I don’t know if she’ll go back to the Lakes by herself. I think she’s getting cold feet.’
‘We could all have another road trip.’
Lucy giggled. ‘I don’t know what James would think if we all descended on him. It might put him off her for ever. He takes on Nadia and he gets all four of us into the bargain.’
‘God help any man who takes on the Chocolate Lovers.’
They both laughed at that. It had been a good idea to bring Lucy. You could always count on her to take your mind off your troubles.
While they were still giggling, a nurse came out of a side door and called out, ‘Mrs Chantal Hamilton.’
‘Yes,’ she said. But not for very much longer. Soon she’d be Ms Hamilton, or she might even change back to her maiden name. She turned to Lucy. ‘Wish me luck.’
Her friend squeezed her arm. ‘You’ll be fine.’
Chantal felt a trickle of cold dread in her stomach as she followed the nurse to the door, but fought it down.
‘Good luck,’ Lucy said. ‘I’ll be right here.’
She let out a long, uneasy breath. ‘Don’t eat all th
e biscuits while I’m gone, Lucy.’
Chapter Fourteen
The mammogram wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as Chantal had feared. It was never going to be the best time of your life, but the nurse was brisk and efficient and the scan had literally taken a few minutes to complete.
Now she was back in the waiting room and nibbling her nails anxiously. ‘They said they’d give me the results right away.’
‘Wow,’ Lucy said. ‘What service.’
‘Are there any of those biscuits left?’
‘No,’ Lucy admitted. ‘Do you want one? I can pop out for
more. There was a shop by the entrance.’
Chantal shook her head. ‘I just noticed all the empty packets.’ ‘What can I say? I eat when I’m nervous.’
‘It’s me who should be nervous,’ Chantal pointed out. ‘I’m coming out in sympathy with you.’
‘Thanks,’ Chantal laughed.
‘You’ve nothing to worry about,’ Lucy said. ‘The consultant
will give you the all-clear. I have no doubt.’ Lucy was probably right. If there was something untoward there, then surely they would have felt it during the scan. Yet the radiographer had given absolutely no indication that there was anything amiss.
‘Can I get you some coffee?’ Lucy said. ‘I’m jittery enough,’ Chantal admitted. ‘Better not add to it with a caffeine hit.’
A few minutes later a petite, pretty doctor strode into the reception and shouted out Chantal’s name.
Nervously, Chantal stood up.
‘Hello, I’m Livia Davis.’ She held out a hand to her. ‘Come on through.’
‘Can my friend come with me?’ she said.
‘Yes, of course.’ She shook Lucy’s hand, too. ‘Always good to have some moral support.’
They went into her office and she closed the door behind them. It was a functional room with a tired desk and equally tired chairs. The NHS certainly wasn’t squandering any money on furnishings for consultants. Chantal wondered idly about the patients who’d passed through here before her. For some of them, it wouldn’t be good news. The consultant sat behind the desk and opened Chantal’s folder while she and Lucy took the other chairs. Lucy gripped her hand.
‘Well,’ Livia Davis said. ‘I won’t beat about the bush, Chantal. There is a lump in your left breast.’
Chantal felt her mouth go dry. Lucy’s hand tightened on hers.
‘It’s flat, disc-shaped and is sitting quite high.’ She indicated where on her own chest. ‘You haven’t felt it?’
‘No.’ Chantal shook her head. ‘Nothing.’
Livia stood and put her scan pictures in a light box on the wall to point it out. ‘Can you see it here?’
She nodded, unable to find words. Lucy was saying something, soothing words, but she couldn’t tell what. It sounded as if she was speaking underwater. All she could hear was the word ‘lump’ on repeat in her head. She touched the place on her chest that corresponded with the shadow on the screen. Even now she couldn’t feel it. How long had it been there, lurking unseen?
‘Are you OK, Chantal?’ That was Lucy. Her friend stroked her cheek.
She nodded.
‘I’d like to do some more tests right away,’ the consultant said. ‘I’ve requested an ultrasound scan, some blood tests and a biopsy. Then we’ll know exactly what we’re dealing with. Does that sound OK?’
‘Yes. Of course.’
‘Can you stay now?’
‘So soon?’ Chantal had expected to wait days, at least, maybe even weeks. Was it an indicator that something was seriously wrong that she was being sent for more tests straight away?
‘I’d like to organise it today, if possible.’
‘We can stay,’ Lucy said to her. ‘I’ll sort everything out.’
‘I’ll stay,’ Chantal agreed, dazed.
‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ Livia reassured her as if reading her thoughts. ‘But I’d like to strike while the iron’s hot. The quicker we move, the better the outcome.’
Chapter Fifteen
We’re sitting in a restaurant down the road from the hospital. There’s too much noise in here, too much cheerful chatter. But we’re committed now. I’ve ordered some food, which is on the table between us. Neither of us is hungry.
‘You have to eat something,’ I say. ‘We could be at the hospital for a while this afternoon.’
‘I feel sick.’
‘Maybe this will settle your stomach.’ I just got a sharing platter of cheese and bread. To be honest, I’m in such a state of shock too that I didn’t know what I was choosing. I just pointed to the first thing I saw.
At the table next to us there’s a children’s birthday party. The little girl is in a pink dress in a highchair, which she’s currently banging with her spoon. There are balloons all around. I should have asked them to seat us somewhere else. Chantal takes in the scene disconsolately. Fuckfuckfuck.
‘She thinks I’ve got cancer, doesn’t she?’
How do I answer this one? ‘Not all lumps are cancer,’ I try. It doesn’t ring true, even to my own ears. ‘It could be . . . ’ I run out of words as my medical knowledge of lumps is scant. ‘As the doctor said, she can tell us more this afternoon.’
‘I can’t have cancer, Lucy. I haven’t got time. Who will look after Lana?’
Tears fill her eyes, then they spill over onto her empty plate. I take her hand and squeeze it. ‘It will be all right,’ I say, soothingly. ‘I promise you. Let’s wait and see what the doctor says before jumping to any conclusions.’
‘It must be bad if they’re doing more tests this afternoon.’
‘We don’t know that,’ I counter. ‘They might just be really efficient.’
‘I should ring Jacob.’ Chantal reaches for her phone.
‘Have a drink first,’ I urge. ‘Settle yourself. He’ll only be more upset if you are.’ I push the cup of chamomile tea towards her.
Much as I feel we could both do with a big glass of wine, I don’t think it’s right if we’re going back to the hospital. Though I’m not sure chamomile tea and a cheese platter is quite the right combo.
‘Have some bread.’ I butter a tiny slice and put it on the edge of Chantal’s plate. ‘Go on. You should have something inside you.’
She picks it up and chews. I do likewise to show solidarity. It tastes like cardboard. ‘Bread was a bad idea.’
We both laugh.
Chantal wipes away her tears, but more come in their place.
‘Do you want me to get you some soup or something instead?’
‘No. Nothing, Lucy.’
‘I’ll get them to wrap this up in case we want it later.’
A waiter brings a cake to the next table and they start to sing ‘Happy Birthday’.
‘I need to speak to Lana,’ Chantal says. ‘That will give me the courage I need to face the tests this afternoon.’
‘This isn’t the place,’ I say. ‘Go out into the sunshine. There was a bench just across the road. Sit there and I’ll be out in a minute.’
Chantal dabs her eyes again and then leaves. I pay the bill, get them to box up the cheese and bread. I have no idea why, really. At the moment, I feel like I’ll never eat again, so I can’t imagine how this must be affecting my dear friend. I call Crush and leave a message to tell him what’s happened and that I might be back late. I think about calling Autumn and Nadia but don’t want to worry them just yet.
By the time I get outside it isn’t sunny, it’s cold and cloudy. I try not to shiver. Chantal is already speaking to Lana. I drop onto the bench next to her.
‘Hello, baby girl,’ she coos. ‘Have you been good for Jacob?’
I can hear Lana’s scribble talk in the background and it brings a smile to Chantal’s lips.
‘Mummy loves you very, very much,’ she says and a sob catches in her throat.
I slip my arm round her shoulders.
‘I’ll be home soon.’ Jacob takes over the phone. ‘See yo
u later,’ Chantal says. ‘I’ll call you as soon as I’m done.’
I hear him say, ‘I love you.’
‘I love you, too,’ Chantal responds. Then she hangs up.
I hand her a tissue and she blows her nose. ‘Better?’
‘Yeah. Much.’
Glancing at my watch, I say, ‘Ready to do this?’
‘Do I have any choice?’
‘No, but you’re made of strong stuff. You can cope.’ I’ve never seen my friend look quite so afraid.
‘I’m glad you’re here, Lucy. I don’t think I could face it without you.’
I wish I was having the tests instead of her. I hook my arm through hers and together we stand. Then we exchange a glance and head off back towards the hospital.
Chapter Sixteen
First Chantal had some blood taken and an ultrasound scan and now, less than two hours later, she found herself lying on the bed in a tiny room waiting for a biopsy. She’d told Jacob not to worry. If she was honest, she was doing enough worrying for both of them. The speed at which everything was moving was quite alarming.
‘This is terrifying,’ Chantal whispered to Lucy, who sat at the other end of the bed.
‘You’ll be fine,’ Lucy said, sticking determinedly to her view that all this would produce a positive outcome. Now Chantal wasn’t quite so sure. ‘The doctor said it won’t take long.’
When the doctor came he produced some sort of implement that looked like a gun and took tissue samples of the breast tissue. But it wasn’t fine. It hurt like hell. Lucy gently stroked her feet to distract her as she winced in pain while he punched enough holes to turn her into a colander.
When it was over, she and Lucy sat in the waiting room for another half an hour. Lucy got them both tea from the machine and they sat in silence. At this point, even Lucy had run out of comforting things to say. They both felt and looked drained. Chantal’s fingers trembled as she drank the scalding, weak tea.
Shortly they were called back into Livia Davis’s office and she sat behind her desk. Her face was grim. ‘I believe in straight talking, Chantal, and I’m sure you do. This is never easy to say, but I’m afraid that you do have cancer.’
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