Page 21
Author: Teresa Mummert
“Please don’t regret me, Cass. ” His voice was barely audible as he ran his thumb over my cheek, catching the stray tear that had betrayed me. His words unleashed a floodgate. I didn’t regret being with him. I regretted letting him into my heart and knowing he would be ripped out soon. It was all suddenly too much to take.
His arms wrapped around me and he held me tightly against his body as I sobbed into his shoulder. I knew I should say something, anything, to make him understand, but there were no words. There was nothing to say.
I suddenly thought of Dorris, and his band, and I realized that he was already on his way out of my life. Nothing was going to change that. Even if Tucker wanted to stay with me, it dawned on me that I could never let him jeopardize his career for me. He needed to tour and become the famous rock star he was destined to be. I would only get in the way of that. He needed to focus. Our lives were on two different paths, and I was thankful that at this one moment in time those paths intersected. But if I truly cared for him, then I knew I couldn’t stand in the way of his dream.
Instead of telling him my heart ached because I didn’t want to lose him, instead of telling him my every thought was consumed by him, I simply had to let it go. A knock sounded at the door, and I pushed him from my body and scrambled from the bed, then picked up my robe from the floor. I put it on and tied it, then opened the door to find our freshly dried clothing in a bag just outside. I grabbed it and hurried into the bathroom to change. I just had to get out of there. It would only become harder and harder to leave.
Tucker was soon on the other side of the door knocking. “Cass, I’m sorry. For whatever is hurting you. I’m sorry. ” His voice shook with the words, and I hated myself. I slowly opened the door, avoiding his eyes. He had dressed in a hurry, too. This had to end now. I was already in over my head, and if I didn’t push him away now, I wouldn’t be strong enough to say good-bye.
“It’s too late for you and your white horse. I can’t be saved. ” I swiped a tear from my face and pushed past him. He grabbed me by my upper arm to stop me. I swung around and glared at him.
His fingers slowly released my arm as his eyes burned into mine. “Fine. I’ll take you home. ” He ran his hands through his hair before grabbing his keys and wallet from the dresser.
He was pissed, confused, and the mood in the room had completely changed. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I had finally stopped floating and landed, hard, on solid ground. Now I just needed to be home in my own bed. That was reality. The trailer park. This was all just a cruel joke being played on my heart.
We made our way to Tucker’s motorcycle in complete silence. He held out his extra helmet to me, but his eyes did not meet mine. I wanted to apologize and throw my arms around him, but I couldn’t. I was broken. I needed to do what was best for Tucker, even if he ended up hating me for it. I slipped the helmet over my head and silently wept to myself as I slipped onto the back of his bike and wrapped my arms around his waist. He tensed but quickly relaxed and took off into the night. His speed was frightening, but I didn’t say a word. The sooner this was over, the better. The city faded to black as we made our way into Eddington. My heart seized as I thought about our final good-bye. It had to be done, but it didn’t make this any easier. For me at least. As much as I knew that there was something special between us, I was also sure there was a Cass in every city along his tour. But he was the only Tucker for me. No amount of punishment from Jackson compared to the pain I was putting myself through at this moment.
As we pulled to a stop under the giant oak tree, I clung to Tucker for an extra minute before forcing myself to let go of him, physically and emotionally. I removed my helmet and handed it to him as he removed his and stood in front of me.
“I’m sorry. ” My words shook as a sob escaped my lips.
He reached out and took my hand in his, shaking his head. “I’m not sorry, Cass. You have no idea how much this time with you meant to me. ” He grabbed the small phone he had given me earlier from his pocket and slipped it into my hand.
“I can’t. ” I pushed the phone back toward him, but he refused it.
“I need to know you’re safe. I’ll feel better if you have it. ” He sighed and kicked at the dirt under our feet before running his hand through his hair again.
“Thank you. ” I wasn’t just thanking him for the phone. I was thanking him for the time, the affection, the happiness that I bathed in when he was by my side. I tried to keep my guard up and protect myself from feeling something, anything, but I wasn’t strong enough. Tucker had worked his way into my heart and it was killing me to push him away.
“It doesn’t have to end this way. ”
“Yes, it does, Tucker. ”
He nodded and got back onto his bike. He gave me one last glance before he slid his helmet on and revved the engine. I stepped back a few feet to avoid getting caught in his cloud of dust as he took off. I watched as he made his way onto the road and his taillights faded into nothingness. Just as I faded back into nothingness, too.
My heart had shattered into a million shards, and every tiny piece was piercing my soul. I couldn’t imagine ever being able to forget about him, to move on. I slowly made my way across the dark, deserted lot toward the trailer park. For the first time, I wasn’t filled with fear. I didn’t care if I came face-to-face with Jax. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
I took a deep breath and pulled open the door to the trailer.
Chapter Eighteen
JAX WAS SPRAWLED on the couch with his arm over his face. I slowly stepped inside, careful not to wake him. As I crossed the living room, his arm shot out and he grabbed me by my wrist.
“Where were you?” His voice was gravelly from sleep.
“I was out smoking a cigarette. ” My voice shook and I closed my eyes, cursing myself for not being stronger.
He let go of me and adjusted himself on the couch to get more comfortable. “I thought you quit?”
“I did. I just gave up right now. Go back to sleep. ”
He mumbled something under his breath and rolled over into the back of the couch.
I sighed and walked back to my bedroom. As soon as I got inside, the floodgates opened and I sobbed uncontrollably as I hugged my teddy bear to my chest.
I pulled the phone from my back pocket, dying inside to dial Tucker’s number and tell him how sorry I was. I needed to hear his voice. I clutched the phone to my chest as my emotions completely consumed me.
Tucker was probably on his way to Florida. I had treated him like complete shit and made him feel as if he were nothing to me, someone I could just sleep with and then cast aside. He only left the phone for emergencies. I repeated this in my head several times before burying the phone in the depths of my closet, determined to never use it to call Tucker.
It would only make things worse. I needed to get over him.
I stripped off my clothes and made my way into the bathroom. A warm shower would have been nice, but the water wasn’t too cold. I slathered my bath sponge with soap and began scrubbing the salty coconut scent from my skin. I could smell him, feel his touch. His words echoed inside my head and my heart was in jagged pieces. My tears mingled with the shower water and ran over me to cleanse myself of my sins. I scrubbed harder as my chest heaved, desperate to wash him away.
I always thought that I had gotten the short end of the stick. That I didn’t deserve the life that was handed to me. But now I’d earned it. Now, standing in the trailer that Jax had bought for me, my home, I couldn’t deny the truth: I’d lied and cheated on Jackson. No matter what he had done to me, I still felt guilty. I didn’t want to be that kind of person.
I let the soap wash from my body and pool at the drain before shutting off the water and opening the shower curtain. A shiver ran down my body and my thoughts went to the fountain in Savannah. I forced the tears to stay inside as
I grabbed a towel hanging on the rack and quickly wrapped it around myself.
I didn’t bother dressing; instead, I collapsed onto my bed and curled into a tight ball. I forced my eyes shut and prayed I would soon fall asleep. Anything was better than reality. I needed to see Tucker. I knew it would hurt more when I woke, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to see his smile.
I finally cried myself to sleep and dreamed of the carriage ride. My body was tucked safely into his side as we toured the town. The world stopped spinning for us then. I could feel every bump of the cobbled roads, the smell of the pizza in the air mingling with the delicious coconut scent of Tucker. I could hear the band singing “Hotel California” off in the distance: “You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. ” That was true about my heart. Tucker was gone, but he was still with me. I couldn’t shake him. I could feel his fingers laced in mine as if our hands were molded for each other.
I awoke with swollen eyes and a dampened pillow, partly from my wet hair and partly from my tears. I silenced my alarm and slowly unwrapped myself from my towel, then grabbed my work clothes and dressed quickly. I put on my locket and tucked it away under my shirt. The small piece of cold metal was a constant reminder of Tucker. I knew it would be best to burn everything he’d given me and try to move on, but I decided I deserved the hurt I felt from thinking of him. And the hurt was better than feeling emptiness, feeling nothing at all.
I slipped on my sneakers and made my way to the living room. My mother was in the kitchen making a fresh pot of coffee.
“What are you doing up?” I asked as I grabbed two mugs from the cabinet. She didn’t answer, just shook her head. I patted her on the shoulder and filled our mugs. I held her mug out to her, but her hand was shaking violently. I knew she would end up with burns if I gave it to her.
“Come on. ” I motioned toward the small table. She sat down and I slid her mug in front of her while I took a minute to relax with her.
“What’s with you?” she asked as she took a small sip.
“Nothing. Tired. ” I raised my mug and began to drink.
“You’ve been crying. ”
I slammed my mug down harder than necessary, which made the hot liquid splash onto my hand. “Ow . . . fuck! I’m fine, Mom. You don’t get to pretend you care if I cry now. It’s too late for that. ”
I stormed from the kitchen and left the trailer as quickly as possible.
If someone had asked me yesterday, I would have said it was impossible for me to feel any worse, but I was wrong. My mother was actually sober this morning and cared about my well-being and I shut her down. What have I done?
I didn’t turn back. I made my way through the empty parking lot toward the diner.
“Good morning, Larry,” I called out as I entered through the employee entrance.
“What the fuck is good about it?” he called from the kitchen. “Not a damn thing. ”
I couldn’t argue with him on that. Everything was wrong. I grabbed the bin of clean silverware and a stack of napkins to begin some of my side work. I glanced up at the table Tucker usually sat at. My heart cracked a little further. I swallowed hard and got busy with rolling. Time would make this go away. I sat in silence, reliving my memories because I couldn’t bring myself to turn on the radio. I might hear his voice and lose all control over myself. Instead, I tried to think back to a time when Jackson wasn’t the monster he was now. It was almost impossible.
“Oh, God. What is that smell?”
Jackson frowned as he pulled out a chair at the table for me. “I cooked. ” He was beaming from ear to ear.
“You cooked?” I slid into the seat and he pushed me forward before joining me on the other side of the table. “Well, what is it?” I grabbed my fork and pushed around a hard, brown piece of something.
“It’s macaroni and cheese. ”
“Which part?” I joked.
“I added a few ingredients. I made it with love. ”
White Trash Beautiful Page 21
