by Colin McAdam
Do you think I let him out of my sight? For the record, for the history of the battle between Jerry and Jerry: Jerry never escaped from Jerry.
So he wasn’t as happily surprised to see me as I thought he might be. Have you ever been happily surprised to see your parents? In the future I would give him some warning that I was coming, prepare him for the pleasure.
When he ran away from me across the parking lot I ran to my truck and sped after him. He ran over a grass bank and into the next parking lot, which was attached to a mall. I guessed he would run for the mall so I drove around, out on to the street, into that parking lot, and I just saw the back of him swing into the mall. The stores weren’t open yet, so he wouldn’t have many places to hide. But I figured it would be better if I just watched him for a while instead of confronting him again.
I stayed in my truck and drove from one end of the mall to the other, watching the exits. After a couple of hours I thought he’d slipped away, fuck, but I saw the little chimp sneaking out eventually.
I followed him again. He didn’t see my truck. He got on a bus, and I tailed that for about half an hour. I think he noticed me then. I saw people in the bus looking at me all the time because every car on the road was honking at me for driving at forty k and pulling over at bus stops, and the bus driver himself kept honking at me and waving me ahead.
When Jerry got out on Bank, he ran, flash, faster than any McDonald’s suit had ever been taken. He deked down a street which was one-way against me, but that didn’t stop me, then he ran into a park but it was only a block wide and I saw him run out the other side.
“Where can I lead the old man in the truck?” I could hear him thinking. I’m on to you.
I was a bit embarrassed for him at one stage. He ran through a car wash thinking that I would try to drive through and be compelled to get a wash. Maybe it was a glimpse of his low opinion of me. I drove around and saw him at the other side of the car wash getting on another bus. I started feeling sorry for him at that point. He was spending money he probably wouldn’t otherwise have spent. I decided to turn away.
HE DIDN’T GET AWAY, no no. It was just a trick. I let the bus out of my sight and then caught up to it again. Genius.
He got off the bus looking different—just a white T-shirt (his trousers were all that was left of McDonald’s Boy). The disguise didn’t fool me.
He had no clue that I was watching him. We were down near the market now—daytime crowds, one or two hoors still kicking around from the night before—easy to stay hidden from him, but hard not to get the attention of the hoors by driving slowly.
Jerry ducked down an alleyway at one point. When I looked more closely I realized it wasn’t an alley, but a passage to the basement of a building. He went in and didn’t come out for a couple of hours. When he was inside I took the risk of getting out of the truck and looking at the building more closely.
It was where he lived. My big Jerry. His own place, or maybe his and someone else’s. I don’t know. It smelled like piss and I wanted to sing with pride. It reminded me of Mrs. Brookner’s basement. Remember? Ah, buddy, you’re a brick.
I had an idea—just to let him know that I was proud. I went back to my truck and wrote a note:
Jer,
If you don’t care about me, how come you sent me cards for my birthday?
Love,
Jerry
When he came out of the basement and walked down the street a bit, I hopped out of the truck again and left that note for him for when he came home.
And I hopped back into my truck and kept following him.
I GOT NO SIGN that he wanted to see me. I never saw him swing by my place. He never acknowledged my truck.
I left more notes for him.
Jer,
How come you sent me a Christmas card?
You wanted to make me sad?
Love,
Jer
I just wanted to give him little reminders that I was around. Every Friday night he went to the same field out by the airport to lie down and watch the planes (Friday was the busiest night in the sky). I started leaving him a six-pack out there with little notes.
Jer,
Cheers.
Jer
But he never touched them.
WHERE DOES he end up one day?
Closer to the house, closer to the house, his bus is getting closer to the house, and it sets him down at the mall that McGuinty, Davies, and others hammered out of their dreams. Westview Mall, it has become, despite being in the south and having no view. And there it is, embracing my son.
Something told me to get out of my truck for a change. I didn’t know what he was doing there—I never knew what he was doing—and I guess curiosity made me follow on foot.
I couldn’t believe all the people in that mall. It was lunch hour, and there were men in suits walking around, women in suits, old ladies shopping, people jabbing fries into their mouths. It was still new, but it was full. I felt like I had planted a few seeds, forgotten about them, and now here was a forest with wildlife, flowers and nuts.
Can I admit to something, just between us? I forgot about Jerry. I completely forgot about why I was in that mall. You will understand that I felt pride for having had a hand in the making of the building, but there was some other feeling that made me forget about Jerry for a minute.
Look at the man looking for an electric knife, the granny looking for a bluer rinse, the woman here looking for the right speckled frame for her glasses. They depress me, my friend. They’re all looking for something, and their sad little faces are telling me there’s a reason for their looking and it’s not roast beef or a weak shade of blue. There’s something outside, I tell you, and it’s making them all come in here, something scary, something waiting for all of them.
I’m sitting there chinning my thoughts, having a cup of coffee, and I recall my Jerry and the reason I’m in the mall. My Jerry. I realize that to him I am probably that thing outside, that reason for getting lost in knickknacks and the faces of strangers.
My quiet friend, let us take this moment to weigh the heaviness of that thought.
I WENT BACK outside to my truck. I resolved to leave the boy alone. If he needs me like I need him, he will come to me.
It is time to return to work. Maybe it’s time to build another mall. I believe my Jerry could use one.
I started my engine and got ready to reverse when on my back window I heard a THWAP, a dirt-bomb whacking the glass.
I turned around and there’s my Jerry, smiling.
6
EVENING.
A weekend coming. A dinner. A party. Amen.
Thickening.
Uncle Simon’s invited to a gathering, with friends, frat boys, freshmen.
Reckoning.
A dinner, à deux, with Kwyet. All thoughts to be spoken, veins scissored open, minds considered and weighed.
Ripening.
After months she called him again.
He is in love. Simple. Always. He loves love, Kwyet is Love, and all other loves have been steps to her altar.
Back to Montreal for a seat at the Feast of Venus. The introductory event, on Friday night, will be a bit of a bacchanal, a dorm party, of all things, where Simon will meet Kwyet’s young friends and a handful of faculty.
On Saturday night is the main event, when Simon and Love will have dinner by themselves.
Until then he worked on a few scenarios, which you might be interested in. Some of these are noble, some downright salty, all of them end with Love’s splendid triumph.
When Kwyet first appeared naked to my mind’s eye, I had to turn away. But gradually I have shed my pudeur and I am now, then, capable of indulging some robust and vivid imaginings. It is all in this spirit of testing that I had lately come to enjoy. Will a house survive? How will Kwyet and Simon most successfully unite? One very simple scenario has the two of them enjoying their meal on Saturday, growing warm, frank, close, and returning either to Simon’s room or Kwyet’s to
grow warmer, franker, closer.
KWYET HAS a bottom like a pillow, where I rest my head to consider what I look like from above. I send my soul up there to have a look. Kwyet on the bottom, me on hers, my graceful raffish soul tilting his head in Botticellian pose above my grateful rakish body (recently sated on Kwyet’s adaptable bottom). I smile and my soul winks back at me. I look good, I should say.
And she never had a lover as curious and adept, I tell her to tell me. We are sitting on my windowsill (naked: downstairs), and we are both immensely pleased with me. She is at a loss for words.
“SIMON!”
“Yes!”
“You never got my name, did you?!”
“No!”
“That is so funny! Where’s Kwyet?!”
“I thought you would know!”
“No, sir!”
“She said she would meet me here!”
“She’ll be here! For sure! She’s probably here already, but these parties are so big, so totally out of hand! It’s not just this room! This is just one, like, room! Let me introduce you!”
“Yes!”
“These are some of my buddies!”
“Hello!”
“That’s Gretchen! Tony! Tom! Ashley! Jodie! Bruce! Robert! Sean! Jodie Two! Dee! Peter! Alan! Michaela! Jay! France, Francoise and Francine! (They’re always together and French!)”
“Hello!”
“Here, talk to Bruce! I told you about Bruce before! His name’s Bruce!”
“Hello!”
“How’s it going?!”
“This is Simon! He’s! Like! He knows Kwyet!”
“Right on!”
“Yes!”
“Where is she?!”
“I don’t know! She said she would meet me here!”
“She’ll be here! Totally! I’ve got to go! I’ll be back!”
“So!”
“Yes!”
“Kwyet, eh?!”
“That’s right!”
“Right on!”
“Yes!”
“You one of her profs?!”
“I know her from Ottawa!”
“What do you teach?!”
“I don’t teach anything!”
“Cool!”
“I might see if I can find Kwyet!”
“What?!”
“See you!”
“OK!”
“Excuse me!”
“Yeah!”
“Excuse me!”
“Sure!”
“Where are the other rooms?!”
“We were talking!”
“Pardon?!”
“You interrupted us!”
“Forgive me! Excuse me!”
“You bet!”
“Are the … ! Excuse me! Are the other rooms through here?”
“You bet!”
“Have you seen Kwyet?!”
“Right on! Are you the Dean?!”
“Have you seen Kwyet?!”
“Right again, Mr. Dean!”
“See you!”
“Hi!”
“Excuse me!”
“Simon!”
“Hi! I am still looking for Kwyet!”
“Have you met anyone?!”
“Yes!”
“Cool!”
“Where are the other rooms?!”
“Cool!”
“What?! Where are the other rooms?”
“All of them! The whole floor! This is the biggest! Go into any room!”
“Really?!”
“Totally! That’s the fun part! Surprise! Ha ha ha! Let’s look in this one! Come on! I heard they’ve got a bong going! Whoo, Tony! Lookin buff! Excuse us! Hey! Whoo! Excuse us! In here! Whoo!”
“It smells like Morocco!”
“Totally!”
“I don’t think she would be in here!”
“You don’t know her! Look! Whoo! I know that guy! I know you! You’re one of my profs! Hey, Simon! Talk to him! He’s a prof! This is Simon!”
“Hi!”
“Chatty! Don’t be shy, boys! Hey! You gave me a D!”
“Sorry!”
“Totally!”
“I might go look for Kwyet! Excuse me!”
“Sure! I’m going to see if I can’t get my mark changed!”
“Bye!”
“Bye!”
“Where can I get a drink?!”
“There’s a keg down the hall!”
“Thank you! Excuse me!”
“Make way for the Dean, everybody!”
“That’s not the Dean!”
“Yes it is!”
“He’s going for the keg!”
“Go for it, Mr. Dean!”
“The Dean’s a woman!”
“No he’s not, he’s going for the keg!”
“Excuse me! How do I … ?!”
“Grab a cup! Help yourself!”
“Thank you! Like this?! Thank you! Do you know Kwyet, the girl, Kwyet?”
“Sure!”
“Have you seen her this evening?!”
“Yeah!”
“Where?!”
“Dancing! She was dancing with the boys!”
“Which boys?!”
“That’s right!
“Where is the dancing?!”
“Down there! Fourth room along!”
“Thank you! Cheers!”
“Cheers!”
“See you! Excuse me!”
“Make way for the Dean!”
“Excuse me!”
“Where you going, Mr. Dean?!”
“Dancing!”
“Whoo! The Dean is a woman!”
“Ha ha!”
“Whoo!”
“Cheers!”
boom, Bom. boom, Bom. boom, Bom. boom, Bom. b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b, b-boww, b-boww, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww, b-boww. Pssht pssht pssht pssht. Pssht pssht pssht pssht. How does it feel, to treat me like you do?
“DO YOU KNOW KWYET?!”
“WHOO-OO! IS … IP … CHA … WAY! YOU-OO”
Pssht pssht pssht pssht. Pssht pssht pssht pssht.
“DANCE, BUDDY! DANCE! YOU CA … IF … ZI … ONTOE … ZI … YEAH HA HA!”
Tell me how, do I, feel. Tell me now, how do I feel. Pssht pssht pssht pssht. Pssht pssht pssht pssht.
“SIMON!”
“KWYET!”
‘I’VE BE … LOOK … FU!”
“I’VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE!”
“WHA … TI … SIT!”
“PARDON!”
“TIME!”
“HEY, TEACH, YOU STOLE MY GIRL!”
“EXCUSE ME!”
booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh boch booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh boch booh booh booh boch booh booh booh booh booh bach bach booh booh. boo/i booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh boch booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh booh
“HANG ON! WAI … ! KWYET!”
“SOR … SIM … HE ISN’T … I’LL … WHEN WE GO!”
“WHAT?”
‘“WHOO-HOO!”
THE NEXT NIGHT would be better. Quieter.
The desperate flesh of Simon had ripened to the verge of rotten.
“DO YOU trust me, Kwyet?”
“Trust?”
“I suppose it’s not trust I am getting at exactly. Do you know me?”
“I … ”
“It’s an odd question to ask you over your pork. Is it nice?”
“I finished it.”
“Yes, mine is good. ‘Do you know me’—that’s not what I meant at all. Let’s just chat.”
“Yes.”
“Pork is difficult to do properly. The balance between overcooked and trichinosis.”
“My mother would kill me if I got trichinosis.”
“Ha ha.”
> “HAVE ANOTHER COGNAC with me?”
“No thanks.”
“Sure?”
“No.”
“You will have another?”
“Will I?”
“Yes. Do.”
“Thanks.”
“I could suggest anything to you, couldn’t I?”
“Could you?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“There are quite a few of them, though. Aren’t there?”
“What?”
“Suggestions.”
“Where?”
“Here. Between us. Generally. I believe there are.”
“I think your cognac’s coming.”
“KWYET, I … I may have another. Will you? … I … No? … I thought … I was hoping … I’m sorry—I feel as though I have been talking too much … Chatting, yes, but too much, and not enough, never what I want … I don’t know what you were hoping about tonight, but I should say, I thought I might say that I would … Thank you, and perhaps the bill please … I wanted to tell you that perhaps I could help you in some way, and what I mean by that is not … Do you consider me paternalistic? … Uncle, yes, ha ha … I could perhaps come and visit you more often, and get to know you, in a, I remember, I, so fondly remember those days in the park with you and your mother, with you primarily, and really, there is no reason … Did you? … Yes, you still call it homework do you, how sweet, yes, I would be happy to … And that is what I mean, to visit more often, have those meaningful, delicious … My cognac? Delicious, thanks. Would you? … No? … I’m … You don’t look tired, really, you are so, so … But let’s go, yes … I would like to give you something, see you more, perhaps, I love running after, you see, but, I wonder, in my experience, the balance … Like pork? … Yes, ha ha. So you understand? … No, well, I’m not making myself clear, but I am not sure that I want to … This is your coat, yes? … Let me … I thought I might walk you back to your room … I’m not tired, no … It’s only ten minutes and we can chat … It’s probably just the cognac—you don’t look tired. I, certainly, drank the last too quickly … Anyway, I must tell you … I know I am sounding a bit serious, and … ha ha, yes, lovely … It is dark, isn’t it … Run, yes, I thought you said you were tired … Yes. Hey! Run! Ha ha! Wait! Ha! … Oof! … No, no, I’m all right—crack in the sidewalk … Run … Run … Be careful … Run … Run … Please come back … Pardon? … No, I said … ! No, it’s fun … I was only … I will catch up, no, do, I will catch you before your room, and, and, chat … Run! Ha! … And tell you, Kwyet, and have you, Kwyet, I can grit these teeth, kiss your teeth, bite the rust from my lips, Kwyet, if you, will you … Hello! … No! … You’re coming back, how nice! … Ha ha … No, no, I will walk you, it’s still another, still far, and it’s dark, I’ll just see you to your door or what have you … ‘What have you,’ yes, silly expression … Let’s just, let me just say, Kwyet, that, oh, you are all out of breath … It’s nice, lovely, that’s, that’s what I was going to say, Kwyet, you are, when you are out of breath and when you are not, you are … No, really, I am not tired at all, I enjoy the walk—honestly—and it is really such a pleasure to be walking with you, to be alone with you finally, please, let’s keep walking. I might, I might walk you to your room, if that’s … No … Sorry … Walk ahead if you like, yes, do … God, you look … What? … Did I? … I didn’t say anything, mumbled, maybe, I think walking, the fresh air is certainly a good idea for me, after a meal like that, sign of age … Age … I wasn’t the oldest person at that party last night, did you notice? Not by any means was I the oldest, there was a, a Professor of Some Description who could only be described as old, and I assure you that it wasn’t age that drove me from the party, finally, it was really just a sense, do you know, in certain situations one realizes one has little to contribute, little to offer to enhance the situation and one clams up, rather, and also, of course, you were dancing, so, you were dancing with all the younger, perhaps that was age after all, do you, I won’t ask that, well, do you think of me as old, older than you? … Ha ha … That’s, that is, you are very, on top of everything, you are a very funny … Are we? Oh, yes, there it is … No, no, certainly I will walk you all the way, no, no, it is good for me, and, it is a shame there is no common room or something of the sort, a place to have a nightcap, up there, near your, near all the rooms, but, I suppose at least it is good, you must be grateful, that you yourself have no roommate, it really must feel private … Mmm … There’s something, there is something I wanted to talk to you about this evening, I don’t know whether you, whether I should have mentioned it earlier, nothing serious, more interesting, really, more, I don’t know whether you are keen to chat a bit longer, I know I have chatted too much, but … Yes, here we are, I’ll just, oh, no, there is no security, no one at the front desk, good thing, ha ha, good thing you have had an escort, yes, I wonder, is that unusual, no one there? … Yes, I’m sure it is perfectly safe, but I will just make sure, I will see you to your room then, no one around at all, how strange, I will just, I have never seen your room … I’ve wondered, I have thought you must be keen on getting your own place, apartment, but perhaps it is perfectly nice, your room … I don’t mind a climb, no, no, but there is an elevator, why not take … One floor? … No, honestly, all in the spirit of walking off spirits, I am keen, I am grateful, really, lead on, I have nothing, I certainly have nothing to return to, I … No, I will go home later, if you don’t mind, I would really like to see your room, and talk to you about something … Steep climb, isn’t it? Let me … Is this the floor … Broom cupboard … No … Yes, soldier on … Yes … Yes … Let me, is this the floor? Let me hold the door for you, here, here, lead on, this way, is it? … You really don’t look, you do not look tired … Well, yes, but I assure you, you at least don’t look tired … This is your room here, is it, yes, well, Kwyet, well, Kwyet, if I could just, oh, Kwyet, yes, what? … Perhaps if I could just say … Let me help you with your coat … Yes … God, Kwyet, you are so beautiful … Kwyet, if I could just, please, Kwyet, God, Kwyet … I, we could, just a, please, Kwyet, hold, please hold still, I just … Why … I thought you said come here, I thought all of this … You just aren’t sure, that’s all, because, if you try to run, I, I want to run, you see, Kwyet, none of this, that’s the window, you’re not … Why?! Why do you keep inviting me?! What am I supposed to think?’ … I’m not coming closer, just, please, you are so … Stay! … Calm down … Please … I’m not pushing … Come away from the window, please … I’m not pushing … I only want
