“Trying to conquer your fear?”
He shakes his head. “Not exactly,” he says but doesn’t elaborate. I want to know so I can understand his motivations. I want to know why so I can decide whether this is something I need to push myself to do with him or whether I can ask to sit this one out. I don’t think he’s the kind of man to force me to do something I don’t want to do. In fact, I know he’s not.
This seems like a really big thing for him.
At the top of the Stratosphere Hotel is a revolving restaurant that allows you to take in the three-hundred-and-sixty degree view of Las Vegas in all its glory. There is also a viewing area for those who want the view but don’t want to sit and eat through it.
On the very roof are the rides that scare me in a way I’ve never been scared before.
Being thrown off a ride a few feet from the ground is one thing. Dropping out of one that is over a thousand feet in the air is something else. I know that the chances of that happening are really slight. The odds are in my favor whatever I do. That doesn’t make me feel any better, though.
“What exactly, then?”
Ryan shakes his head. It seems that the whys of this craziness are staying firmly with him.
We get closer to the hotel and I tell him we should sit down. I’ve made enough of a spectacle of myself for one day. We stroll through another casino floor towards the elevators. This is the tallest building in Vegas so I know that my ears are going to pop again. There is a family traveling with us and the kids all whoop excitedly as we begin to rise. I see Ryan gazing down at the little girl who can’t be more than three years old and I’m surprised to see him smile. I don’t know why I assumed he isn’t a paternal type. Maybe it’s his authoritarian ways and the fact he never had any kids when he was married. I guess he might assume the same about me. When Ryan looks up he catches me watching him. I save this up as something to ask him another time. Maybe later over dinner.
When the elevator doors open my mind seems to go blank. I don’t take in anything of my surroundings, I just cling to Ryan’s hand while he leads me where he wants. The view is amazing. It’s how I imagine it must feel to stand on the top of a mountain but this isn’t the end of a long journey for me, this is the beginning of a nightmare. God. My hands are trembling. Ryan must be able to feel that.
“Jessie.” He looks at me closely and must see how gray I’m looking. There is sweat around my hairline.
“I can’t do it,” I say. Even my voice is trembly.
“It’s okay,” he says, pulling my hand to his mouth and kissing it. “This is something I need to do. You don’t have to come along for the ride.”
I snort at his lame joke but I feel better already. Then I realize what he’s planning to do. The Sky Jump. He’s gonna put on a harness and jump off the top of this building. My heart is in my mouth at the thought of it.
“Are you serious?” I ask him, pointing to the sign.
Ryan nods, looking very serious. Other people around as seem to be buzzing with excitement but that isn’t Ryan. This seems like a chore. Almost as though he’s been forced to do it, or dared maybe.
“Okay,” I say. I lean up on my tiptoes and kiss his lips. It feels like the right thing to do because I can feel the tension rolling off him and I want to do whatever I can to help him.
“Will you wait at the bottom for me?” he asks.
“You don’t want me to stay up here while you get harnessed up?”
“I think I’d prefer it if you were waiting for me at the bottom. It’ll be an incentive for me to jump.” Ryan bends to kiss my lips softly and then he presses a soft kiss to my forehead. “See you on the other side.” I squeeze his hand but I don’t want to baby him too much. He’s a man. A man who’s used to taking on the world and winning. He might be scared of heights (even if he won’t admit it) but I have no doubts that he’ll do this. Ryan has some serious mental strength and that’s all it takes to get through the tough times in life. Some people live their lives through a veil of fear. Ryan certainly isn’t one of them.
I hurry to the waiting area that is outside the hotel. I know I have time because there were plenty of other people waiting in line for the privilege of scaring themselves half to death.
I watch a few people jump, and those around me that are connected to them scream and shout their encouragement and praise. My heart is beating fast. I imagine Ryan standing at the top in his harness and looking out at the spread of Las Vegas and the desert beyond. My chest feels tight with the panic I imagine him feeling. That veil of fear will be there. The innate sense of self-preservation that we have evolved as a species. The bit of our brain that deals purely with fight or flight responses will be exploding in Ryan’s head right now. I swallow and it’s more like a gulp.
And then I hear his voice.
He’s on his way down but he isn’t screaming or swearing as I imagined he might. He’s shouting for joy, his arms spread wide as though he’s reaching for the stars that are hidden by the brightness of the sun. I’m exhilarated for him and completely terrified that the harness is going to fail. It’s only when his feet touch down safely that I let out the breath I’ve had trapped in my chest for his entire descent.
His eyes find mine in the crowd as his harness is removed. His cheeks are flushed and his smile is broad. He looks like a man who has conquered an enemy. A man who has defeated a fear.
For a second I think that maybe I should tell him I’ve changed my mind. If Ryan can do it, then I know I can too, but I find that all I want to do is slip into his embrace and feel his hands stroke over my hair and touch my face. I want to exhale against his chest and revel in his victory.
So I do.
It feels as good as I thought it would, but just as my heart soars, it sinks because as perfect as every moment with Ryan feels, there’s a clock ticking in the background that I can’t forget, no matter how much I might like to.
16
RYAN
I take Jessie for dinner at my favorite restaurant in Las Vegas and it’s a perfect end to an amazing day.
I’m doing what I set out to do and Jessie is the perfect person to have by my side. I see the difference in her with every hour that passes. Her shoulders are lower, her posture more relaxed. Her face is filled with light and laughter. Her voice is soft but confident.
It’s like seeing a reflection of how I’m feeling myself.
They say time heals all wounds. Maybe it heals them out but it never gets rid of the scars.
Jessie is like a balm to my soul and I need soothing. I need the cool press of her hand on my forehead and her face pressed into my chest. I need the clasp of her hand in mine as we make our way across the casino floor of yet another hotel.
This time I decide to stop at a roulette table. I pull a wad of cash from my pocket and hand it to Jessie. She looks at me like I handed her a piece of rotting meat. “What the hell is that for?” she asks with a frown on her pretty face.
“You’re going to gamble, Jessie.”
“No I’m not,” she says. “Gambling is a fool’s game.”
I miss the hiss of venom in her voice at first. The venom that tells me that this opinion isn’t based on some abstract moral theory but from an experience close to her heart. I push the money into her hands and she looks like I’ve slapped her.
“I don’t want this,” she says. “I’m not putting a bet on in this casino or in any other casino.”
“We’re in Vegas,” I say exasperated. I’m not asking her to put her house on the line.
“Take your money,” she says quietly but firmly. Her aquamarine eyes flash in warning.
“Just one bet.” I’ll admit that I’m used to getting my own way so her pushback feels like something I need to squash. Pathetic but instinctive.
Jessie grits her teeth and looks down at the money in her hands. There is at least five thousand dollars there in hundred dollar bills. “I want to go back to the hotel,” she says. She takes the money and slips
it into her purse slowly. Then she straightens her back, raises her chin and glares at me.
I open my mouth to ask her what the fuck she’s doing but the look in her eye stops me.
“Fine.” I stride out of the casino without looking back to see if she’s with me or not. I don’t like walking ahead of her. I don’t like the feeling that is now constricting my gut. She’s angry with me, but it’s more. She’s disappointed.
When I’m through the doors and into the night air I finally turn and find that she’s nowhere to be seen. My heart kicks up a notch. Where the fuck is she? Darryl is by my side and I glare at him. “Where did she go?” He shakes his head. “I had my eyes on you,” he says apologetically. For fuck sake. I stride back into the casino but I can’t spot her among the gambling tables or slot machines. Has she decided to leave? Maybe the chance of taking that extra five thousand dollars was enough for her to make a run for it. The thought fills me with panic because I have a plan and I need to stick to it. It’s what I do. I turn things over in my mind and when I’ve analyzed every angle I make my decisions. I do not waver from those decisions.
Ever.
Jessie is part of my plan for this month. She’s supposed to provide some company while I implement each and every decision I made about this time in my life. Now, it seems, she’s become something a little more central that I had expected or plotted.
I realize in that moment that I know nothing about this woman. I don’t know her cell phone number. I don’t know her last name. I don’t know her date of birth or the names of her parents. If she’s run away, aside from knowing her last address and previous employer, I’d have no way of ever finding her again.
Shit.
This is not like me. I’m letting my standards slip and the thought fills me with panic. I need to be in control. Without it, I am lost.
My throat burns as I pivot on my heel, eyes frantically scanning for the halo of blonde hair I want to bury my face into. Those blue eyes that are innocent and all-knowing at the same time. That smile that fills me with a warmth I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe ever.
I can’t fuck this up. It’s too important. I just need to keep it together for the next twenty-seven days and I now know that I need Jessie to help me achieve that. I’m about to call the hotel and have them send a security team to look for her when I spot her striding towards me.
My heart pounds and my throat burns with pure unadulterated rage. How dare she disappear like that? How dare she make me feel so fucking low?
“Where have you been?” I growl as she gets within earshot. Her eyes widen as she takes in my expression which I know must convey my fury.
“I needed to use the bathroom,” she says slowly.
The bathroom? I take a deep breath and hold it momentarily before letting it out slowly. Breathe, I tell myself. Think before you speak now. I switch off real-Ryan and switch on boardroom-Ryan. I pull myself together in the blink of an eye because I know that chewing Jessie out about this will do nothing to serve my purpose.
“The car is outside,” I say. My voice is even and my expression now impassive. Jessie blinks as though the transformation has confused her.
“Okay,” she says slowly.
I put my hand out to indicate that she should go first. After this experience there is no way that I’m letting her out of my sight again.
My driver is there to open the door for us and Jessie slides in first, pressing herself against the opposite side. She stares out of the window and I know immediately that things are frosty.
Fuck.
I’ve messed up big time but I’ve never been a person who is good at admitting to my mistakes or saying sorry.
We travel back to the hotel in silence. We walk through the lobby next to each other but without touching. My hand itches to reach for hers but I don’t. In the elevator she remains distant and I don’t blame her. I feel distant from her too.
In the suite, she goes to the window immediately and gazes at the view. I stand and watch her, sliding my hands into my pockets. She looks so fragile; a tiny person framed by the magnificence of man-made and natural Las Vegas. I don’t know how to break the ice here. Corina would have been raging at me in this situation. She’d pour out exactly how she felt and all the things I’d done wrong. I’d shout too and somehow, at the end of it, we’d break through the issue.
“I loved my husband,” Jessie says. She doesn’t turn so I have no idea what her expression is right now or where she’s going with this train of thought. I don’t need to be compared to her dead spouse, I think, even as I was doing the same thing. “I loved him but he was a weak man. He gambled away all our money and then, when he’d run out of what we had, he gambled away what we didn’t have.”
She turns, and shrugs her purse from her shoulder, moving to place it on a console table. “It wasn’t until he died that I realized how much debt we had and I’m still trying to pay it back, Ryan. Every month I have to make another payment. I need you to understand that his gambling has taken me to places and made me do things that I would never have considered before.”
Jessie runs her hand over her face as though she’s exhausted with the world and I feel sick to my stomach. No wonder she was so pissed when I pulled out that money and told her to risk it on the roulette table. She unzips her purse and pulls out the wad of cash. “You may have the money to afford to toss it away for nothing,” she says. Her eyes are sad and cold and I don’t like it. Not one little bit. “But I can’t be a part of that. I won’t ever be okay with that.”
Fuck.
I take a deep breath because I know whatever I say next is going to have a huge bearing on, not only how Jessie perceives me, but also on the next three and a half weeks of our time together. There’s one thing I know for sure, too. That I can’t tell her that this is my casino. I can’t let her know that at least half of my fortune has come from the gambling industry.
I decide that the best option is to do the thing I’ve always found so hard. Say sorry. This woman deserves it for the shitty situation her ex-husband left her in and the crass way I was trying to force her to do something she didn’t want to do. “I’m sorry, Jessie,” I tell her, walking across to where she’s standing and placing my hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t pull away but she turns her face so she’s in profile to me. “I’m sorry for the situation you’re in and for what happened at the casino. If I’d known, I never would have pushed you.”
She exhales in a weary sigh and I just want to scoop her into my arms and hold her tight. I want to take away all the stresses she’s facing and make her understand that I can make everything better for her.
“Take your money,” she says. “What you can afford to waste would change someone else’s life. Don’t throw that chance away.”
The money feels heavy in my hands in a way that it hasn’t in a long time. It feels significant. I get a flash of a memory from when I was about ten. I was walking down the street and I caught sight of what looked like money in the gutter. When I reached down it was a ten-dollar bill and I felt sick I was so excited. That ten dollars went straight in my pocket, and when I got home I gave it straight to my ma. She tried to make me keep it. She came up with all the ways I could spend it. On sweets, on a toy, a magazine, some chocolate. She wanted me to dream with that ten dollars. In the end I told her I wanted to take her for dinner. We went to a McDonald’s and had burger and fries and milkshakes and it all tasted so good. Later that night, when I was lying in my bed, I heard my ma crying and my heart felt like it was breaking. I knew she felt like a failure for not being able to give me the things that she thought I wanted. What she didn’t know was that all I wanted was for her to be happy. She never got to enjoy what I worked so hard for. She never understood that the money I made was to give her the things I knew she’d sacrificed for me.
Ten dollars gave me a chance to lift the weight of the world off my ma’s shoulders, even for just a few hours.
Jessie’s right. I’ve lost sigh
t of things. I’ve been swallowed up by the lifestyle and by other people’s expectations of what a man with money should be. I’ve forgotten why I got myself here in the first place.
I drop the money on the console and put my hand under her chin. As I tip her face, her eyes find mine and there is so much worry there. We’re standing in this luxury room that I built so I could benefit from the desire of people like her husband to win money rather than earn it.
I kiss her because it’s the only way I can think of to show her how I feel. The kisses are butterfly soft, each one a gentle exploration of her lips, each one a tasting of her breath. Her hand clasps my shoulder as though she needs to cling to me for stability and I understand because I feel the same way. My fingers find her nape and push up into her hair and I deepen our kiss because I want to be inside this woman in whatever way I can. Her mouth is warm and when her tongue slides against mine I feel it in my balls. Tingles fizzle up my spine and my cock thickens. I know what it feels like to push inside this woman and I want it again. I want it now.
There was a time when I would have thought nothing of picking Jessie up and carrying her to the bed but I don’t trust myself to. I’ve hurt her enough with words today; I don’t want to risk hurting her physically too. I walk her backwards towards the bed and make her sit on the edge. I kneel in front of her and remove her shoes. I kiss each ankle in turn, stroke her calves, kiss her knees. I worship this woman like she deserves to be worshiped every day. When I look up I find her watchful eyes on me. “Ryan,” she says as she runs her hand over my face, cupping my cheek and caressing my hair. I run my hands up her thighs, slipping under her skirt until I find the lace of her panties. I tug at each side and she adjusts so I can slip them down. Her scent is there and my head rushes with arousal. Fuck. I want to taste her, to bury my face and tongue in her so deep she’ll tremble all over. I want to give her so much pleasure that she’ll forget the realities of her life and just be here in this place of fantasy with me. So that’s exactly what I do.
HUGE 3D: A MFMM MENAGE STEPBROTHER ROMANCE (HUGE SERIES Book 5) Page 23
