by Lily Foster
“Did anything happen?” I was immediately thinking of Nick. “Was Nick harassing her?”
“Not Nick, some other jackass just being overly aggressive.”
“What happened?”
Beth shrugged like it was no big deal. “Some guy just getting too touchy-feely.”
The thought of a guy hitting on her, touching her when she didn’t want to be touched, made me fucking crazy. I wasn’t somebody who got angry easily; I didn’t explode and I didn’t fight unless it was unavoidable. Darcy brought out a different side of me. I wanted to protect her at all costs—I needed to protect her. I should have been here.
Darcy
Sunday morning.
I was actually glad for this weekend to be almost over. As I ran along the river I just kept replaying yesterday in my mind. Maybe Tom wasn’t the guy I thought he was. It was pretty evident from what I saw yesterday that he wasn’t really that into me and wasn’t interested in being with one girl. Alright, it is what it is. I’m here to get through this year and prepare to head off to med school. I’m not wasting my time drooling over someone like Tom, I told myself. Instead of ending my run at my usual point, I kept going and going. I could have run a marathon. It just made me feel better.
Later, Jenna and I walked to town. I was on a mission for lasagna and I’m actually a pretty excellent cook, if I do say so myself. Plus, cooking always gave me a peaceful, contented feeling. How could all not be right in the world when your house was filled with the aroma of cake baking or chicken roasting?
After Jenna laid into me for leaving without telling her and Dan where I was going last night, she told me that she gave it to Tom. Jenna said Tom looked devastated when she told him I left with someone else. I burst out laughing. I loved her. Jenna always had my back. I did doubt he was truly heartbroken, though. Tom Farrell, from what I’d witnessed, was supremely confident around women and had plenty of willing ones to choose from. And I think that’s what was really bothering me. The night we spent together in the city Tom seemed so genuine, someone that I could really see myself with. But yesterday, the way he was at the party and even that first day back at the field? Those flirty, breathy things he whispered in my ear that had made me ache? Now I couldn’t help but feel that there really was another side to Tom—the phony Casanova who just wanted in any girl’s bed. I wasn’t going to be that girl for him. Not happening.
I spent the better part of the afternoon sautéing onions and garlic, making a homemade Bolognese sauce, and layering two large trays of lasagna. It smelled awesome in our place and Jenna, my sous chef, was enjoying some Chianti with me. This was just what I needed. As we were taking the garlic bread out of the oven and everyone was coming to the table to feast, the door opened and Dan, Ben, and Tom walked in. “Damn, it smells like heaven in here. I’m not above begging for a home-cooked meal, Darcy. Please tell me you can feed me,” pleaded Ben.
Dan shrugged, cocky. “I’m eating. You’re all cutting out the carbs, right girls, so I’m just looking out for you by taking some of this off your hands.”
I could feel Tom’s eyes on me but I wasn’t going to turn around to look at him. I couldn’t. I was mad at him and mad at myself too. How could I feel this hurt? It was ridiculous. There was nothing between us. I was being ridiculous.
Everyone else was at the table and fell into easy conversation while Jenna and I were getting odds and ends from the kitchen. “What are you waiting for, Tom? Dig in,” Ben sputtered between bites.
I couldn’t resist. My common sense went out the window and the anger was burning me up. I mean, he had all but ignored me yesterday after leading me on with the whispering-in-my-ear-nonsense the week before. “Oh, I’m sure Tom’s got somewhere better to be. He probably has one of his many babes cooking for him as we speak.”
All the chit-chat stopped. The room fell silent—so awkward. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him lower his head, slowly turn around and leave.
I felt like a witch.
And I couldn’t eat one bite of the damn lasagna.
Tom
Her words were like ice. Did it look like I was into those girls on Saturday? I didn’t think so. I didn’t put a hand on anyone and I didn’t flirt. I had wanted to go straight to her when I saw her at the party but I thought I should take things slower. I did eventually go looking for Darcy but she had bailed.
Maybe she wasn’t that interested in me? No, I didn’t believe that for a second. I felt her body react when I touched her. I wasn’t imagining that. And my temperature felt like it spiked anytime I saw her, let alone got to touch her.
Maybe I was taking it too slow. Maybe I just had to put it out there. No risk, no return.
It wasn’t easy to find her during the week. She wasn’t at lunch with her girls. I had Dan scoping for me and she wasn’t at her place after dinner. I trolled the library, no luck. I ran into Jenna Thursday night and tried to be casual when I asked what “all of you girls” had been up to this week. Jenna knew me pretty well and, unfortunately, could see right through me. She shot right back, “When you say, ‘all of you girls’, I’m assuming you mean, what has Darcy been up to this week?”
“You gonna make me beg, Jenna?”
“No. I just don’t want you jerking her around if you aren’t serious. She had a terrible year and I know she’s still skittish about being back here. You know I love you, Tom, but you don’t have the best track record.”
“Thanks, Jenna.”
I walked away, disgusted. Really? I was simultaneously mad at Jenna and mad at myself. Had I really earned that poor of a reputation? I had no intention of jerking Darcy around and I was going to prove it.
Friday, we were having a party and I knew all of her friends would be coming, so I hoped she would be there. She didn’t come in with Jenna. I was watching the door and didn’t see her when Beth, Caitlyn, and Rene walked in either. I had a sinking feeling, figured maybe she was avoiding me, when I checked my phone and it read twelve-thirty but just then I saw her in the kitchen talking to Mac, one of my teammates.
I saw Nick out of the corner of my eye. He was standing still, staring at them. He downed his full beer and went for another. In Mac’s defense it was loud but did he really need to put his lips on her ear every time he spoke to her? I mean, he was practically tongue-fucking her ear. It was bringing out that eerie, evil look in Nick’s eyes and it was getting on my nerves too. I could see Darcy take a slight step back when he did that. She was uncomfortable with how close he was. Good.
She walked off towards the bathroom when Mac gestured that he was going for a refill for them both. He had two full cups in his hands when Nick practically dove on him and started throwing punches. Everyone within ten feet of them was doused in beer, girls were screaming, and fists were flying. Mac landed a few good ones to Nick’s face and then pushed him down to the ground with ease, “Nick, you’re such a fucking loser. You think your girl likes it when you fight over Darcy? Get a fucking grip.”
When the dust settled, I saw Mac looking around for Darcy but I knew, from past experience, she’d probably already bailed. I took off running and caught up to her just as she was opening her back sliding glass door. “Are you okay?”
Her back was to me. She lowered her head and shot back sarcastically, “Oh, you care?”
“Please,” I came up close behind her and put my hands on her waist, “please look at me.”
When she turned around I saw her eyes wet with tears that I wanted to kiss away. She hung her head again, “I think I shouldn’t have come back. I can’t take another year like this.”
I wanted to scoop her up, take her to bed, and just hold her. I lowered my face so that we were eye to eye and I cupped her cheeks in my hands. “No, Darcy.”
These were the only words I could get out before Mac came running up behind us out of breath. She took a step backing away from me then. “Hey, there you are. Why did you take off? He’s a douchebag, Darcy. Don’t let him ruin the night. Come on, let’s
go hit another party.”
She flashed him a smile and said, “Thanks Mac, but I’m heading to bed. That was enough drama for one night for me. Good night, guys.”
When she closed the door Mac honed in on me, “What was going on there, bro?”
I felt my hands reflexively fist at my sides as I turned to him. “Stay away from her, Mac.”
He put his hands up, palms towards me, “Relax, Tom. Are you with her? If you are I’ll back off but if you’re not then don’t go pulling that same possessive shit that Nick does, ok? I’ll ask you again, are you with her?”
I had nothing to say. I shoved my hands in my pockets, just turned and walked away.
Darcy
Another Sunday, another long run to process all the bullshit from the night before and another day cooking my problems away.
Today Beth was my kitchen sidekick and roast chicken was on the menu. She and I yapped while we made the stuffing, peeled the potatoes, and cut up the veggies.
I really couldn’t eat much of the cafeteria food, it was greasy and gross. But the real reason I did this was that having a big Sunday dinner reminded me of cooking in the kitchen at home with my mom and I was always happy there.
“So,” Beth started in cautiously, “are we going to talk about the massive brawl over you last night? Oh, what I would give to have Mac and Nick slugging it out over me. That was hot!”
“Really? That was so not hot Beth.”
“Darcy, Mac looked like he would have killed for you and he is seriously beautiful. If I wasn’t with Marcus…oh what I could do with that boy.”
“You’re full of it, Beth. You love Marcus. But last night was just…I just want to fly under the radar. All of it…Nick…that last year. It was all too much.”
She looked at me with understanding. “I hear you.”
Then, speak of the devil himself, Nick knocked once and then walked right in the door like he owned the place. He looked to me and then looked down at his sneaker that he was repeatedly digging into the carpet. “Can I talk to you Darcy? I just want to apologize.”
Beth stared at him, eyes wide. She checked with me and when I nodded, she headed upstairs. He sat down across from me and put his head down as he raked his hands through his hair. “I am sorry, Darcy. I fucked up again.” He paused and then looked up at me, pleadingly. “I don’t want you to feel weird around me. I want you to be happy but I still really want you to be happy and be with me.” When I didn’t say anything he went on, “I know that’s not what you want but it’s still hard.”
I felt a mixture of sadness and anger. “Nick, I won’t do this anymore. I feel bad that you’re hurting. You know I’ll always care about you but we’re over.”
“Seeing Mac all over you last night? I wanted to tear his head off. I’m trying Darcy, just please, do you have to be with him? Couldn’t you go for someone who’s not my friend?”
No, I gave myself a mental pep talk, no one is going to control me anymore. I stood up to let him know I was ending the conversation, “Nick, I’m not with Mac but you are not telling me who I can and can’t be with. It’s been way over a year. I’ve done my penance. We share the same friends so I’m not promising that you won’t know who I get involved with. I’m done tip-toeing around for you.”
He stood up and met my gaze as he moved closer to me. “Sounds like there already is someone. You’re telling me you are not with Mac?”
He said it like he didn’t believe me; he was challenging me, daring me. And, I’d noticed, he’d gone from gentle and pleading to angry within the span of three minutes. I was not doing this anymore. I wanted to make sure he knew I wasn’t the same timid girl who ran away last year. I looked at him evenly, challenging him back as I said, “It’s not Mac but there is someone and you know him. I’m not with him but I have feelings for him.”
He smirked and shook his head. After a moment he said in a low voice, “If it’s not Mac then it’s Tom. I see how he looks at you.” When I stayed quiet he raised his voice as he spat, “Seriously, Darcy, it has to be him, one of my best friends?” When I didn’t answer again he looked at me with disgust. “Well prepare yourself, Darcy. You’ll be one of many. He’s a master bullshit artist. I bet he’ll have you out of your panties in no time and then you’ll be just like every other girl he uses. He’ll fuck you and then you’ll be nothing to him.” He looked defeated and then shook his head, “I would never do that to you, Darcy. I’d never treat you like that.”
“Get out, Nick.”
After a few tense moments of silence he turned, put his fist through the flimsy wall, and then practically took the door off the hinges on his way out.
Five minutes with Nick and I’m sick to my stomach again. I had that familiar nervous energy coursing through my veins. My hands were shaking. I needed to get in touch with Tom. I’d seen Nick like this before and I knew a storm was heading Tom’s way. I dialed Dan. “Hey, can you give me Tom’s number quick?”
He paused then answered, “Sure, Darce. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Dan. I just need to tell him something, kind-of right away.”
This was going to be awkward. I nearly dropped the phone right as he answered. “Hello?”
“Hey Tom, it’s Darcy.”
“Well, to what do I owe this pleasure?” He had some sexy voice. “Are you calling to apologize for refusing to feed a starving, growing boy last week? I’m still fantasizing about how good that lasagna smelled.”
“Um, no Tom,” I managed to laugh, “You have yet to earn my lasagna. But seriously, I’m calling to tell you that Nick might be on his way to pummel you as we speak, so I just wanted to warn you.”
He said breezily, “I can handle him. Why is he after me?”
“He came over to my place, we talked, it didn’t go very well, and he kind-of got the impression that I might be into you.”
He sounded amused, “You might be into me? Hey now, that’s definitely worth getting pummeled for.”
I cringed as I said, “I’m about to die of shame and embarrassment right now.”
He laughed, “Well, thanks for the warning ‘cause here he comes. Wait, Darcy?”
“What?”
“You’ve made my day.”
I don’t think I’ve ever smiled that wide. Maybe I was setting myself up for heartbreak but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him. I hoped Tom was a changed man because I was a lost cause. Just hearing his voice and hearing him say my name messed with my head. Since that night we spent together talking over dinner last year, I would often find myself drifting off into daydreams about Tom. They weren’t only centered around the two of us doing the deed; I also envisioned just being with him, being someone special to him. But as I stared out the window then and absentmindedly stirred the gravy, I was thinking about him kissing me, touching me, taking me.
By typical standards, I would be considered pretty inexperienced for a college senior. Since my few very awkward and clumsy first experiences with my high school sweetheart, there had been a long dry spell in that department. After high school, Matt and I stayed together through most of freshman year even though he was in Chicago and I was here. In hindsight, I don’t know why we stuck it out that long; just took us a really long time to cut the cord. Sex with Matt was…underwhelming. That first time, I gave in when he begged and then thereafter it was always hurried, vanilla, and unsatisfying. The earth-shattering, body-rocking experience I’d hoped for just hadn’t happened.
I’d assumed I’d be with Nick in that way but our relationship imploded fairly quickly; I never felt that we got to the point of feeling enough love and trust towards one another for me to give myself to him. I’d had plenty of opportunities for meaningless hook-ups along the way but I just couldn’t ever do that. As a result, I was now a seriously sexually deprived twenty-one year old.
In my dreams, Tom always tells me he loves me before he touches me. Yeah, I’m a hopeless romantic. “You know I love you Darcy, right?” he whispers this
in my ear as he presses into me, his front against my back. I’m breathless and nod my head. He trails a finger slowly from my wrist, all the way down my arm. He puts one hand up my shirt and cups my breast while the other hand undoes the button and slides beneath the waistband of my jeans, beneath the lace, and straight to me. He’s touching me as he grinds his hips into me. I reach behind me and try to fumble with the button on his jeans and—then I come-to when I hear Beth stomping back down the stairs. My cheeks are flushed and I have to lean against the counter for a minute until I can stand on my own again.
There’s no relief. I want him so badly. Not just in that way, though. I want all of him. I want him to love me.
Tom
I was ready for him, “What’s up Nick?”
He stood less than a foot from me with his hands fisted at his side and a look of pure rage in his eyes. “I’m telling you to stay away from her, Tom.”
“Can’t.”
His jaw stiffened. “Did you fuck her?”
“Man, shut up. She’s not like that to me.”
He laughed but it was more like a sneer, “She’s not like that to you? How is she, Tom?”
“Nothing’s happened but I really like her, Nick. I’m sorry but I’m not staying away.”
I could tell Nick was thinking of his next move. He thought better of going at me. He knew he’d lose. He glared at me and then just turned and left.
I did feel bad about Nick but at the same time I was walking on air. Hearing her sweet voice on the phone, knowing she was looking out for me, knowing she, how did she say it…“might be into me”? It made me crazy happy and made me want to go right to her.
As I walked up to her place, the smell of whatever she was cooking wafted out through the kitchen window. It overwhelmed me. It smelled like home, warm and safe. This time I was staying for dinner.
