by Lily Foster
I went to say something to her but my voice sounded like a croak and I really had nothing to say. I just looked at her and shook my head. God, I was so sorry I’d done this to us.
“Look at me, Tom. It’s going to be ok. It’s alright. Come.”
She led me back out of the room. She spoke first. “He’s a beautiful baby, Mrs. McDaniels.”
“He is. He’s a dream. But in my condition you can imagine, he’s a handful.”
Darcy went on, “Yes. Where do we go from here? What are your wishes?”
“I’ll be frank. I can’t care for him. I can barely lift him from the crib without having a wheezing fit. I feel sick about setting him out in the world and I hope that if Thomas steps up to care for him that he will keep me in his life by bringing James to visit with me when he can.” She directed her question at me. “Thomas, are you ok?”
I was still a little out of it but I managed to respond. “Yes ma’am. Of course I will take care of him.”
As I said that I felt my voice crack. Shit, I was about to cry like a little girl.
Darcy was all action. I wanted to ask her what she was doing. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. As I stood there like an idiot, Darcy was giving the woman my parents’ address and both of our cell phone numbers, explaining we would be taking the baby there for the next few days until we got our situation sorted out. Within ten minutes Darcy had a car seat fastened in the back row of the truck and had a playpen, clothes, formula, and diapers packed up. She had paperwork from the woman and was holding hands with her, reassuring her that we would take excellent care of James. “Mrs. McDaniels, James will be well cared for and loved.”
What was happening?
Mrs. McDaniels cried as she whispered, “You can’t imagine how hard this is but I am so happy knowing that James will have a good life. I’ve gotten progressively worse over the past two years. I know that I won’t be on this earth for very long. My peace is in knowing he will have someone who loves him.”
Darcy hugged her close. Mrs. McDaniels came over to hug me tight then, coughing first before she was able to say, “Thomas, you’ll do the right thing.”
“Yes ma’am.”
I was like a robot.
Darcy walked out of the room with the sleeping baby in her arms, told Mrs. McDaniels she would call when we made it to Connecticut, and then walked outside to put him in the car. I hugged Mrs. McDaniels back and managed to say, “I’m so sorry about Breanne,” before I walked out.
Darcy
“Are you ok to drive, Tom?”
“Darcy, what are we doing? What am I doing?”
“Where are your parents? Did they leave already?”
“My mother is going to fucking faint. They won’t be back for another four days.”
“Where are the boys?”
“They’re staying with Mary and Rob.”
I put my hand on his. He was shaking. “Tom, whatever happens, I love you and I’m not going anywhere, ok?”
He shook his head. “I feel like all I do is fuck up.”
“Stop it. We’ll go home and call your uncle Rob. He’s a lawyer so he’ll know what to do. And we’ll take care of this little guy. It’s going to be ok.”
“How can you say that?”
“Look at him. He’s a sweet little thing. He has no one. He needs us.”
We stopped at a store halfway between school and Tom’s home. Tom stayed in the truck with James while I ran in and managed to grab a cradle, bedding, more diapers, formula, wipes, pacifiers and bottles, making it in and out of the store in twenty minutes.
By the time we got to Tom’s house James was just starting to open his eyes and fuss. Tom spent nearly two hours putting the cradle together. I gave James a bath in the kitchen sink—that was old school. Then I diapered the little guy, fed him, and checked back in on Tom. He had been pretty quiet. When I walked into the living room holding James, Tom was kneeling next to the cradle with his face in his hands. “Tom? Hey, are you alright?” I was getting worried about him. “It’s going to be ok.”
He looked up at me with a bitter expression and snapped, “Why do you keep saying that? This is fucking terrible. Jesus, I’m not even twenty-two.” He put his head in his hands again and after a moment mumbled, “I’m sorry, Darcy.”
He was starting to irk me. “Here, take James so I can put the sheets on the mattress and settle him in.”
Tom sat on the couch with James. I was happy to see that even though he looked shaky, his natural instinct was to kiss James’s head and rock him. I took my time so Tom could feel James close to him, lying on his chest while he held him.
I can’t explain it. I didn’t feel anger. I guess I should have been upset but I just wanted to make it better for Tom. And I really felt that a baby was always good news. Cancer, car accidents—they were bad news. Babies were there to be loved.
I sat in the kitchen and poured myself a glass of much-needed wine. I looked through the papers. I was glad he had received pediatric care. Everything looked up to date. Then I looked at the birth certificate. Yes, Thomas Farrell was listed as the father. The third paper was a death certificate for the mother. With that, I remembered I had to call Mrs. McDaniels. I told her all was good and we would stop in again next week as soon as we were back up by campus.
After I got off the phone I thought to myself that I needed to ask her for some pictures of Breanne so that James would have a remembrance of his mother when he was older. I knew from experience that pictures could give you a connection to a person you loved but didn’t really know.
I checked my phone and when I saw a message about our travel itinerary, my heart sank. I shot off a few emails, essentially cancelling the trip. It had been a long day and I felt like I could cry from a combination of fatigue, disappointment and shock but I didn’t. I went back in, took James from Tom and put him in the cradle. Tom followed me back into the kitchen and grabbed himself a beer. He sat across from me and took my hand. “I’m sorry I spoke to you like that, Darcy. I should be kissing the ground you walk on right now. You’re so calm but I know you must be mad at me.”
“Tom, how can I be mad? You weren’t with me then. It’s not like you cheated on me.”
“You can be mad at me for screwing up our plans—plans for a life together.”
“That hasn’t changed for me.”
“Holy shit, Darcy. I still just can’t believe this is happening.”
I called Jenna so that she wouldn’t worry and was so glad when I got her voicemail. I put on a fake, cheery voice, told her not to wait up, and I’d talk to her tomorrow. This could not be explained over the phone.
Tom
I was exhausted and so was Darcy. We fell asleep on the couch next to the cradle, only to be woken up at two and then again at six to feed and change James. We both fell back asleep when he took a morning nap. Darcy said she was planning on going to sleep by eight tonight and that sounded good to me.
I called my uncle Rob. After his initial shock he left his office, came over, and got right down to business. He got in touch with a colleague who gave us a referral for a paternity test. When he stated my options in a matter-of-fact way—keeping the baby or contacting an adoption agency—Darcy gasped, “Give him up? If James is Tom’s child then he is not going to be given up!” This was getting real.
Darcy, Rob and I went to the lab with James. I felt bad when they had to draw blood from the little guy. He wailed. Darcy was so good with him. She just rocked him and spoke to him softly and then—just like that—he was calm again. I was awestruck at first but then felt terrible watching her snuggle him against her. I felt so guilty. What would her parents think of this? Caleb and Luke were probably going to kick my ass and I knew I deserved it.
The lab guy told me that in forty-eight hours I’d know but I already knew. James was mine. I wished I had that same look that Luke had when he held Rebecca but I wasn’t there yet. Sure, I wanted to protect James and keep him safe but I was
also scared as shit about what this meant for my future. Darcy, on the other hand, was maternal by nature. In the one day she’d known James, she must have kissed him a hundred times. She spoke to him with absolute love in her voice and she fed, bathed, and changed him like he was her own.
My aunt Mary came over after Rob left. She asked if we wanted her to stay but Darcy really had it under control. I begged Mary not to tell my parents when they called. I didn’t want to ruin their first real vacation without kids tagging along. I also wasn’t ready to break this to them.
That night we moved the cradle upstairs to my room and Darcy and I slept in my bed. I crawled in behind her and slept with her body nestled into me. I slept—no joke—like a baby that night. When I woke up in the morning, Darcy was standing by the window holding James. She looked so beautiful that I smiled at the picture of them together but then this mournful feeling washed over me. She should be having fun at school, not saddled with me and some other girl’s baby. Lord…that sounded so bizarre. “Hey, my parents won’t be home for another two days. Do you want me to bring you back to school? I feel bad you’re missing everything. Aunt Mary can help me with James.”
She looked crushed. “You don’t want me here?”
“Darcy, I just feel bad about it.”
“You suggesting that I leave is…just please don’t. I love you. I know James is most likely yours and I love him too. There’s nowhere else I want to be.”
I smiled at her but my heart felt heavy with sorrow. “You know you look so beautiful holding him.”
I thought about how happy the idea of her carrying my baby had once made me. I wanted it to be five years later and I wanted James to be Darcy’s child. Then this picture would be perfect.
“I called my parents this morning, Tom.”
“Oh shit.”
“They were okay, Tom. They were surprised but ok. They told us we could drive down and stay there until your parents get home but I told them we were fine.”
“Your dad probably wants to kill me.”
“Why? You didn’t get me pregnant!”
“Darcy, don’t joke.”
“Tom, you have to get on with it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know you hate when I say it will be ok, but it will.”
I forced a smile. “I know you’re right. Come here, woman, and bring my son to me.”
With that, she smiled and climbed into bed placing James between the two of us. I’m not gonna lie, I was still feeling sorry for myself and this was going to take time to get used to. My heart, though, felt like it would burst with the love I felt for Darcy and looking down at James, he was so small and helpless that I couldn’t help but start to feel a true sense of love for him too.
Darcy
Giving Tom the impression that my parents were just fine with this was misleading. I told my dad first and he freaked me out because he didn’t say anything in response for a full minute. You think a minute is a short time but when you’re anxiously waiting on someone to say something, a minute can feel like an eternity.
“Darcy. Wow.”
I guess I’d officially shocked him.
One thing I loved about my dad is that, unlike other people who would go into full-on damage control mode, he was thoughtful. He wouldn’t push me to make any rash decisions or rush to judge Tom’s character.
“How is Tom doing?”
“I’m handling this better than he is. He’s still kind of in a daze. I think he’s seeing his entire future evaporate before his eyes. And Dad, I really don’t see it that way. I mean, was this in the plan? No, but plans change.”
“You sound like you are along for the ride, no matter how bumpy.”
“I am. Dad, I know it’s crazy but I’ve been with this little baby for only forty-eight hours and I feel completely attached to him.”
“And Tom?”
“I don’t know. He’s a mess and I know he feels so guilty.”
“Listen, I want you to lean on me and Mom. I have a feeling you’re going to need to in the coming weeks. There is a lot going on here and there will be a lot of emotions. You know that you and Tom can bring James here until his folks get back, right?”
“Thanks, Dad but they’re getting home tomorrow so we’re good here. And Dad?”
“What, baby?”
“Thanks for not freaking out.”
He laughed. “Believe me, it’s taking every bit of restraint I have. I love you, Darcy.”
“Love you too.”
Chapter Twelve
Tom
My Uncle Rob called. No surprise, there was a ninety-nine-point-something-percent certainty that James was mine. I was prepared for that, it had already sunken in.
I told Darcy and she hugged me tight. She was being so good to me. I couldn’t take it. I knew I wasn’t doing right by her. How could this work? I was probably going to be living at home, like a kid reliant on my mommy and daddy for the foreseeable future. What kind of life could we have together?
If there was anyone in the world I could see myself married to, it was Darcy. Now, though, if I ever proposed, it would seem like I was doing it to trap her, to have her care for James. And forget how it seemed, she hadn’t even turned twenty-two yet. She deserved to live life and have fun, not be tied down because I’d made a careless mistake. I was sending her back to school, whether she wanted to go or not. I felt awful about what I knew I had to do but I was determined.
We were both lying in bed with James between us, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Darcy got up and put a sleeping James back into the cradle. When she came out of the bathroom, I could have wept knowing that she and I wouldn’t be together through this. I couldn’t do it to her. “Hey Darcy, if I told you I needed you right now, would you hate me?”
She smiled, of course my sweet Darcy smiled. I felt sick. “No, I won’t hate you, I’ll love you.”
With that, she crawled onto the foot my bed and moved up as she kissed me on my toes, my calves, my thighs, my hips, my torso, my chest, my neck, and my jaw. When she got to my lips, her body was lying along the length of mine and I inhaled sharply when I felt the soft skin of her abdomen against my erection. She shifted up so that I was pressing into her entrance and she kissed me deeply. As her hands moved gently in my hair I slid off what little she had on. I let out a choked gasp as the thought of not being able to touch her again crept into my mind. Something desperate came over me. I rolled her onto her back and looked away as I dug my hands into her shoulders and buried myself deep into her. I couldn’t look at her. I tried to take her slowly but I wasn’t thinking straight and my movements became more fierce and frenzied. I plunged into her fully, over and over again, and didn’t slow even when I heard her gasp. I was selfish, only caring about my own release. I needed to leave myself inside of her. I felt like this was it, the last time I’d be this close to her. I cried out when I came and collapsed on her chest but I never looked at her. After a moment, I just rolled off of her and looked at the ceiling. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of her sad, confused expression as she lie quietly beside me.
It felt final, like a death.
Darcy
“Hey, Darcy?”
Here we go, I thought. Tom had been acting distant and lost in deep thought most of the day. I could feel he was about to drop a bomb on me. “I want you to drive back tonight. I’m picking my parents up at noon tomorrow and I really need to do this alone, ok?”
“Ok.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you here—”
I was trying to swallow past the lump in my throat. “I know, you want to deal with your parents on your own, it’s alright, I understand. But are you taking James to the airport with you?”
“No, Aunt Mary is coming over to stay with him while I get them.”
Ok, it’s all been sorted out then. I wonder when he decided he was sending me packing.
“Darcy, I don’t want you to miss all of the senior week events because of me.”
My eyes were burning with tears I was fighting to keep from falling. “Do you think I care about missing a clam bake?”
“I just don’t know how this is going to play out right now. And Darcy, the trip—”
“I took care of that the night we came down here. I cancelled everything.”
“Aw, Darce, I wish you hadn’t done that. You could have taken Jenna or one of the other girls with you.”
Why doesn’t he just tell me I could have taken another guy? He’s pushing me away. I shrugged to cover my hurt. “Don’t be silly, Tom, I’ve been there already. I was only into it because we were going together. I’m not upset about cancelling it.”
“Alright.”
“Tom, I’m not leaving right now. I’ll help you with James tonight and I’ll leave first thing in the morning.”
“I can manage, Darcy, if you want to get back tonight.”
“I know you can but I’d rather stay if that’s ok.”
“Of course it’s ok.”
The vibe was odd, to say the least. The way he—I can’t say made love—the way he took me this morning bordered on brutal. I didn’t know the person I was sharing a bed with at that moment. I choked back tears again thinking back to the callous, impersonal way he treated my body. What was going through his mind?
I left him downstairs early in the evening watching television, got James ready for bed and then crawled into bed myself and pretended to sleep. The day had been spent in awkward silence, where I could barely look at Tom and he barely made eye contact with me. I’m sure he purposely waited until I turned off the lights to come upstairs so he didn’t have to face me. He got into bed making as little movement or noise as possible and stayed far on the opposite side of the bed. Once his breathing became deeper, I let the tears I’d been holding back flow.
Tom
I pretended I was asleep but I was wide awake as she got up, showered, got James out of his crib, changed him and fed him. I knew she was broken up but you wouldn’t know it the way she spoke to James. With him she was all love and happiness. I waited until she took him downstairs before I got up and showered. I was really being a coward about this. When I went downstairs she had her stuff by the door and she was holding James, standing by the window looking out.
