by Caz May
Country
Secrets
Country Secrets
The Mackenney Family Saga Book One
by Caz May
First Published 2020
ISBN978-0-6484998-8-6
Published by Caz May
© Caz May 2018
The moral rights of the author have been asserted
All rights reserved.
Except as permitted under the Australian Copyright Act 1968 (for example, a fair dealing for the purposes of study, research, criticism or review),
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, communicated or transmitted in any form or by any means.
This is a work of fiction. Any names or characters, businesses or places, events or incidents, are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Except for the original text written by the author, all images, songs, song titles, and lyrics mentioned in this work are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.
To my amazing, beautiful and supportive Nanna.
I’ll always have fond memories of the farm and the days spent there.
(1) Savannah
(2) Hunter
(3) Savannah
(4) Hunter
(5) Savannah
(6) Addison
(7) Hunter
(8) Addison
(9) Savannah
(10) Hunter
(11) Addison
(12) Hunter
(13) Quentin
(14) Addison
(15) Hunter
(16) Herbert
(17) Savannah
(18) Hunter
(19) Savannah
(20) Hunter
(21) Savannah
(22) Quentin
(23) Hunter
(24) Savannah
(25) Hunter
(26) Savannah
(27) Hunter
(28) Savannah
(29) Quentin
(30) Savannah
(31) Dante
(32) Hunter
(33) Savannah
(34) Quentin
(35) Hunter
(36) Savannah
(37) Hunter
(38) Savannah
(39) Hunter
(40) Dante
(41) Savannah
(42) Quentin
(43) Addison
(44) Quentin
(45) Savannah
(46) Hunter
(47) Savannah
(48) Hunter
(49) Savannah
(50) Hunter
(51) Savannah
(52) Hunter
(53) Savannah
(54) Hunter
(55) Addison
(56) Savannah
(Epilogue)
Playlist
About the Author
Acknowledgments
Also by Caz May
Always Only You Series
Bk 1-Roommates Don’t Kiss & Tell
Bk 2-Friends Don’t Say Goodbye
Bk 3-Feelings Don’t Play Fair
A Holiday Romance Duet
Bk 1-Take Flight
Please be aware this story contains some content including domestic abuse and rape which may be triggering for some readers.
(1) Savannah
The highway had seemed endless, driving away to who knows where with no clear direction in my head.
I just needed to get away, make my escape.
Glancing around my surroundings, it’s clear that I’m a long way from ‘home’ now, if you could even call what I was escaping from ‘home.’
For three tumultuous years, he’d made my life a living hell, constantly beating me to the point of bruises. Even now I’m sporting a black eye, bruises and scratches all over my body.
Feelings of utter worthlessness plague me still and nothing had been harder than walking out the door, knowing that this time no matter what, I’m not going back.
It wasn’t just the abuse that caused the pain, but my own stupid body, rejecting the one thing I want so desperately. The words always in my mind, doctors saying it like it’s a disease, ‘Unexplained Infertility’.
Like what does that even mean?
It’s a disease with no cure, the pain I had to endure, over and over again, rejection of the worse kind.
Until Dante showed up in my life, rejection was something that I’d felt many times over and the prospect of ‘Unexplained Infertility’ was rejection by my own body, as well as it feeling like a curse, some unexplained mystery that medicine couldn’t solve.
Doctors love to think they always have the answers, but in my case no, even when I was waving a positive pregnancy test in their faces, my period late, they waved me off, not believing the proof right in front of their eyes. But despite all that here I am three months later, no bumps in sight, except for the road ahead.
My mind is still a blur from my last doctors' appointment, having finally reached the point of doing IUI. Part of me wanted it to have worked, so at least walking away I had something or someone to show for the hell of the last three years, but if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want his baby growing inside of me.
Shaking my head I have to focus on blocking out the memories, the bad experiences as the only way forward now is to rid my mind of him and continue my escape.
I’m not feeling confident, not sure if I’m ever going to make it somewhere that I can put the past behind me, but I’ve taken the first step in running and I have to try.
Putting the past behind me isn’t going to be easy though, even in my crazed ‘get the fuck out of there’ state I know that.
I only have a hundred dollars, which won’t even last a week. It isn’t even enough for a tank of petrol.
Fuck petrol?
I’d not even thought to check the tank when I skipped out. The gauge for the petrol tank is dangerously low now, teetering on empty and I’m in the middle of fucking nowhere with a phone that has practically ceased to function, not even one signal bar, nothing, absolutely nothing.
I’m officially ‘Up shit creek without a paddle’.
~~
Sleeping in the back seat of a car, wasn’t comfortable at the best of times.
Since leaving I’d spent my nights in the back of the car and it had caused my neck to crick.
Being in the middle of nowhere, with practically no petrol and no working phone is making me apprehensive. Even locking the doors of the car hasn't helped curb my feelings.
For all I know an axe murderer is on the loose and is going to take me to my doom. Dread fills me and my panic is rising.
I’ve barely slept a wink when I wake up in the most excruciating pain of my life. Never in my twenty-five years of life have I experienced such pain.
Clutching my stomach, fearing the worst I know in my gut, in that moment, that the IUI had worked.
My brain had been fuzzy since making my escape and I hadn’t even thought to bring sanitary items, nor thought about my period coming at all. It isn’t that I was even thinking about the IUI having worked either, it was more a rush of craziness, a I just need to leave and I’ll just throw some clothes in a suitcase before he wakes up kinda scenario.
The pain is overwhelming, it’s certainly doesn’t feel like my period coming at all. The cramps are intense, all across my abdomen and down into my pelvis, stabbing pain like knives repeatedly being pushed into my flesh.
The urge to vomit is rising in my throat.
Frantically clawing at the door locks to open them, the cool night air comes as a welcome relief.
I wretch, cough and sputter, leaving projectile vomit spatter down the side of my car. It really couldn’t get any worse, except I have a desperate urge to pee tha
t makes me shoot out the car like a rocket.
Scanning the surroundings, for somewhere to relieve myself, I seek out a small bush and duck behind it, dropping my track pants to my ankles. Squatting to pee, even in the dark I can see my knickers are soaked with blood. Blood is dripping down my thighs.
This is so not good.
Yanking my track pants back up I stumble back to the car.
Fuck this pain is…
Instinctively I grab my stomach as more pain grips me when I reach the car. Unlocking the boot I rummage through my minimal luggage, only to find white underwear and another pair of track pants. Without thinking about where I am I slip off the blood-soaked ones, shoving them into the boot, after using them to wipe away the blood already on my body.
I hope that putting on two pairs of white knickers and the black track-pants should help curb the bleeding for the moment, enough at least for me to try to get some rest.
Sliding back into the car, I sprawl out across the backseat, and allow my eyes to close, trying to breathe through the pain. A glance at my watch tells me its three am.
Daylight would soon arrive around five am, so I can only hope some rest would come before.
(2) Hunter
Grabbing my tatty brown Akubra from the hallway stand always makes me feel like I’m ready to get out there amongst the paddocks of the farm.
The incessant crazy barking starts the minute the front door closes behind me.
Ruffling the furry head of the cattle dog at my feet makes the barking increase, “Sounds like you're ready to go, Blitz, hey?” I question my cattle dog, who is eager to head out droving, a lot more than I am on this dismal looking night.
Droving is a part of running the farm, but a love, hate part of it.
Moving my cattle around is important but the drought hasn’t made life easy, as my paddocks are bone dry and my feed supply is dangerously low.
Blitz would stay out droving all day and night, always in his element running amongst the cattle. But sometimes I’d rather not have to do it, not having to brave the elements just to move my cattle from outlying paddocks to other paddocks for feeding purposes.
The clouds seem threatening as I venture down the verandah towards the ute as if they are going to let down their fury at any moment.
I feel like diving under the covers of my bed, instead of heading out to curl up in my swag when I hear the booming thunderclap around the farm. It’s like a deafening shock to the ears.
Blitz cowers, the sound of thunder making him no longer the tough dog on the farm.
He becomes a big sooky when a storm is looming.
His ears prick up though hearing the creak of the passenger door of my old beaten down ute. He knows that means he’s riding shotgun inside the comfort of the ute, stretched across the passenger seat.
Throwing my swag in the back tray is no easy feat. It weighs all of about ten kilos, which shouldn’t be a struggle, but the fact that it is makes me admit to myself that I’m maybe not in the best shape.
Maybe it’s time to get out the weights again.
Jumping in the driver's side I reach over to shut the passenger door, giving Blitz a pat on the head. He nuzzles my hand, barking again when the engine of the ute roars to life, the key in the ignition finally turning over.
The storm approaching still has me a little tentative about leaving tonight, but I have no time to waste, needing to get the cattle moved quickly.
The main road is the best to head down to the back paddock, quicker than bounding through the middle paddocks and in the storm if there is a possibility of rain it’s also the safest option if I don’t want to get bogged.
Lurching out the front gate, I begin to drive into the darkness, trying to focus on the road and block out the looming thunder.
Turning the radio on, cranking the volume to sing along to my favourite song ‘Body like a back road’ is a good distraction.
Not even half an hour down the road, close to the far paddock turn off is when I first see the car.
It still has its headlights on, but no interior lights are on and there appears to be no driver or anyone inside the car at all, that I can see.
Not having time to stop, I drive on, but my interest is piqued.
No one ever drives this far out of town without a reason.
Thankfully the storm has subsided by the time I reach the top paddock and no significant rain has battered down.
Stopping the ute in a clear part of the paddock, I grab my swag out of the back, unrolling it next to the tailgate.
Blitz has jumped out of the ute and run off to relieve himself before he settles down with me for the night.
Nothing beats lying in the swag staring up at the stars. Droving could be lonely at times, even with Blitz by my side.
Out in the paddocks though on a clear night loneliness felt worlds away, despite no other humans being around.
My mind drifts towards my parents, sensing my Dad looking down on me.
Missing him really broke me sometimes, especially when droving. He’d always been by my side, teaching me the ropes. Dad falling ill had taken its toll on Mum. She really wasn’t suited to the farm life to begin with, but loved Dad more than life itself.
Now she was a shell of a woman, holed up in the rest home in town, her MS making things even harder.
Blitz has returned, manoeuvring himself and shifting next to me, turning his body around and digging a space to make it more comfy.
“Settle Blitz,” I say soothingly, as he lies back next to me.
Stroking his fur, his eyes look up at me searchingly and I mutter into the darkness, “I know buddy. I should go visit her.”
He always has a way of knowing what I’m thinking or feeling, sensing whether I’m happy or sad. Tonight I feel uneasy, and closing my eyes to slip into sleep my mind wanders to the car on the side of the road.
Something is eating at me about it. I should have stopped to see if there was anyone inside.
Guilt is a feeling that I hate experiencing. It eats away at you, multiplying itself over and over. I really don’t need anymore guilt in my life.
Part of the reason I’d stuck around to run the farm was the guilt I felt when Dad got ill, knowing I was the oldest and my younger brother Quentin was never going to cut it living on the land.
He’d always preferred to spend his time inside, whereas I’d have spent every waking minute outside, in my element.
Maybe that is why I don’t mind the droving so much, being outside on the farm, taking care of the cattle is where I belong. On the farm is where I belong.
Yeah, I do get lonely, and can’t escape the country town gossip of all the old biddies wondering when I’m going to settle down but little did they know that I’m more than ready for that life. Instead I’m still heartbroken that who’d I wanted to make a life with couldn’t handle it.
She’d wanted me to give up the farm, sell it and make a life in town.
She never wanted to even try to be with me on the farm, as though my life meant nothing to her. And nothing, not even losing Dad, had broken my heart more than her vindictiveness towards the life I wanted to live.
I truly thought she’d loved me, as much as I loved her.
I shake my head trying to get rid of the image of her in my mind. Maybe I should have known that someone as breathtakingly beautiful as her wasn’t meant for me and maybe I should have thought about the past that maybe meant she wasn’t for me either. But I didn’t.
I’d still fallen in love with her and some nights I still think of her lying in bed with me, her long blonde hair cascading over her pillow, her body pressed against me. I miss that more than anything, having a woman I love lying in my arms.
Taking a deep sigh, I roll over in the swag, Blitz protesting with a growl.
“Sorry buddy. I’m a little restless tonight,” I sooth him.
I let myself slip into sleep, trying to block out the thoughts of my ex and the guilt of not stopping to check out t
he car by the side of the road. Sleep is crucial as I need to move the cattle at the crack of dawn on the horizon.
But I have a feeling it’s going to be one of those nights, when sleep doesn't come easy.
(3) Savannah
No sooner than what feels like a minute after I closed my eyes, the pain rushing through my body again is like a thousand knives stabbing me.
It’s torturous.
The cramping is becoming more intense, especially curled up in the back seat of the car.
I need to get out and find help or I’m surely going to die out here alone in the middle of nowhere.
Dawn is beginning to peer over the horizon now, spreading a glow around and enough light is present now that I can see where I’m going.
Grabbing my phone, wallet and car keys I stumble down the road with the crotch of my pants weighing me down.
I don’t even want to know the reason, knowing it’s bad. Images flash in my mind of being found out here with blood soaked clothes, half eaten by dingos.
My surroundings have me confused, as it’s a never ending sea of trees and paddocks.
I can’t shake the feeling that I’m heading away from the town I’d driven through earlier, but I need help now and that town is at least thirty kilometres away.
I’ll die alone, in the middle of nowhere if I try to get back there.
The morning sun is warm, hitting my face and giving me the strength to push on.
Walking numbs the pain a little, the stretching of my legs and my body not feeling so constricting, making it easier to keep going.
I know I must be heading east as the sun is rising in the direction I’m heading in. Stopping a moment I lean against a fence, sighing and wiping my face with my sleeve.
It has been unseasonably warm for autumn, and out here the morning sun feels warmer than when I was surrounded by city buildings.
