by Jules Wake
‘Do you know her then?’ asked Kelly.
‘Yes … well, I mean I work with her.’ I did her hair and make-up, knew her to say hello to in the corridor but not much more than that. ‘I don’t know her socially.’
‘Does she take coke a lot?’
‘Yeah. Does she?’ Jason piped up.
‘Bet she does, all those dancers do. They live on fresh air, stands to reason,’ said Kevin knowingly. ‘Jonno will be here in a while, he can give us the low down. He works at the Mercury. He says coke is the same as a glass of wine to everyone in the media and show biz.’
‘Well they’re all anorexic, aren’t they,’ added Sarah. ‘No calories in drugs.’
For a moment, I paused, the four of them focused on me, making my skin prickle at the avaricious interest shining in their eyes. Only Felix seemed totally disinterested. I sighed. There had been rumours, among the backstage crew, that Katerina liked a sniff now and then but this avid interest in someone they didn’t even know felt wrong, along with the blithe dismissal of ‘all those dancers’ as if they were somehow a different species of human and therefore didn’t qualify for any sympathy.
Knowing how upset Pietro had been the other day, and seeing first-hand the impact just worrying about a story appearing had on him, made me pause before I made any comment.
Poor Katerina. How must she be feeling this morning? Dancers like her worked all their lives to make it into a ballet company, making enormous sacrifices. I wanted to cry for her.
‘It’s awful,’ I said. ‘She’s going to be in bits about this.’
How had the paper got hold of that picture? I glanced at Felix trying to catch his eye. It had done the rounds on WhatsApp. Anyone could have texted, emailed, tweeted, instagrammed it. Suddenly it was clear how easy it was for something to go viral. Anyone of hundreds of people could have sent that picture to the paper.
Felix shrugged, still not meeting my eye. ‘I don’t see what the problem is. Celebs love getting their face in the papers. It’ll up her profile. She’ll love it.’
‘But what about her family? Her friends? Her fans?’ Surely Felix could see how that might affect her. ‘What about her job? It’s not good for her profile with management.’
‘Rubbish,’ scoffed Felix. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if it was leaked deliberately. Great publicity for the theatre. Just think of all the extra tickets you’ll sell.’
Had Felix lost his marbles? ‘Tickets are harder to get than gold dust … our shows sell out, sometimes a year in advance.’ I still couldn’t believe he was thinking like this.
‘No one leaked this picture. Some mercenary bastard sold it for a quick buck I bet.’ I tossed the paper aside in disgust. Felix looked up briefly and then his eyes slid away to a spot below my feet. My stomach flipped with a roll of nausea.
‘Hello, hello, hello,’ a nasally voice with a decided tinge of Essex rang out as a wirier version of Kev with the same shade of gingery blonde hair appeared.
I took advantage of his arrival to slip away to the toilet, where I pressed my hot face against the cold mirror.
‘You the make-up lady, then?’
I jumped and turned. Kevin’s brother swaggered into the toilets clutching a pint of lager, all tight jeans and slip-on shoes. The thin, gingery moustache on his upper-lip combined with his round-shouldered slouch brought to mind a small weasel.
‘This is the ladies. Do you mind?’
He shrugged and took an insolent sip of his drink, his eyes boring into mine over the top of his glass.
‘So, make-up lady.’ He leaned a hip against one of the basins crossing his legs so that I’d have to step over them to pass.
‘Tilly,’ I snapped. ‘And you are …?’ I asked, determined not to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging that I knew who he was.
‘Jonno’
When I didn’t say anything, he added, ‘Kev’s brother’, with an are-you-stupid roll of his eyes.
I stepped back from him, his closeness discomforting and pulled at the soap dispenser hoping the trickle of pink liquid would help make me feel clean again, but he leaned towards me, his breath hot on my neck.
‘I hear you have the inside track on a few of our top operatic and balletic celebs.’
Flustered, I tried to move back and smeared the pink soap all down my sleeve. ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I said, my heart starting to beat uncomfortably.
‘Come on. Nice story about the Snow Queen. I got a by-line out of that one.’
‘You’re a journalist!’ My heartbeat rocketed to warp speed and the bottom of my stomach fell away.
‘Yup. Celebrity stringer. News reporter. Always on the lookout for a good tip.’
Images of Pietro’s strained face, singing in the final scene of Don Giovanni, popped into my head.
‘Reporter?’ I clenched my fists at my sides, resisting the overwhelming urge to punch his nasty, smug little face. ‘That’s not news. Gossip rag, more like.’
A tide of red rose up his neck, spilling along his cheeks. ‘We’re performing a public service,’ he snapped. ‘People do crappy things – we report it.’ His narrow lips, too red in colour, firmed into a crumpled line.
‘Public service?’ I echoed and copied his tone. ‘Scurrilous gossip sells – you get paid.’
He narrowed his eyes and glared at me. Jutting out his chin, he said in a growl, ‘We uncover the truth. You might not approve Missy but that’s what we do.’
‘No.’ A hot flush ran through me. How could he be so … so indifferent to people’s feelings? ‘You harass decent people. Take photos of them when they’re going about their daily business and deliberately smear their names unnecessarily. You wouldn’t know the truth if it ….’ I ran out of steam, too worked up to finish.
‘What like Katerina Petrova? Hardly whiter than white?’ He sniggered.
‘She’s human. No one is perfect. Printing that picture was just mean.’
‘Mean,’ he teased in a high voice with the maliciousness of a nasty playground bully. ‘Public has a right to know if celebs are up to no good.’
‘Not if it’s a private picture.’ As soon as I said it, I knew I’d stepped out on treacherous ground.
He lifted an eyebrow, smirking. ‘Not that private. I heard it was shared around.’
I felt a deep sense of shame. Like so many others backstage in the cast, we’d all seen the picture. Been complicit in sharing it. Were we any better?
His face turned sly. ‘I hear one of your boys has been a bit naughty.’
I went cold. ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I said, turning my back on him scared I might give something away.
He grabbed my arm and turned me round, bringing his face close to mine. I so wanted to wipe the smirk from his weasely face.
Rancid lager breath fumes hissed out of his mouth as he said, ‘Oh I think you do. I heard a rumour.’
I swallowed and like a rabbit I froze, unable to escape his intent stare. What did he know? Was he just fishing? My heart thudded so hard it hurt. My face burnt with florid heat.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ I lifted my chin in the air, praying that the pulse thundering in my neck wouldn’t give me away.
‘Oh, I think you do.’ Jonno’s eyes narrowed to slits and his lips virtually disappeared in an unpleasant smile.
‘No comment,’ I said. It was the first thing that came into my mind.
He smirked. ‘I could sweeten the deal.’ He raised his eyebrows with Groucho Marx emphasis.
‘You think I’d tell you things … for money? Is that how you got that picture? The one of Katerina? Well you can get lost, I wouldn’t tell you a thing. I wouldn’t want your money.’
He gave a nasty smile. ‘Doesn’t matter, there’s always folks that do. It only takes a little whisper and we can do the rest. A bit of digging. It’s amazing what you can turn up.’ He winked.
I closed my eyes. Pietro’s drawn face popped into my head and then Felix’s, h
is expression bright and inquisitive as he’d said, ‘No such thing as bad publicity.’
Jonno’s eyes shifted to the doorway back towards the pub and he laughed.
‘Paid a fair price for the tip off about Katerina – twenty pieces of silver.’
Chapter 9
‘No offence, Tilly, but you look like shit this morning,’ said Jeanie, standing in front of me, tilting my chin towards the light.
‘So would you if you had a night like mine,’ I growled. I didn’t need her to tell me how crap I looked. It was nothing compared to how I felt.
‘Want me to sort those bags under your eyes out?’
I shook my head, loathe to reject the rare inner mother hen of Jeanie wanting to help. I was worried I’d end up blabbing the whole truth to her and that would have been disastrous.
‘To be honest Jeanie, I’ve had a massive row with Felix and I’m still steaming.’
She took a step back, holding her hands up as if to ward me off.
‘’Kay. You just hold right on to that anger.’
I’d been doing that for the last two hours, although the middle-aged man who’d bagged the last seat on the tube right from under me might disagree. He probably had a broken toe. Served him right. That’s what you got for messing with an irate female in kitten heels.
‘You could sort out the cupboard?’ Jeanie tilted her head to one side in hopeful anticipation. ‘Coffee at eleven.’
‘Fine.’ It was unlikely she was even half-way fooled by my weak attempt at a smile. God I wanted to kill him. ‘I’ll just check my emails first.’
I’d been hoping to hear from Redsman and my heart plummeted in further disappointment at my empty inbox. Oh God, it was the kiss. I shouldn’t have sent that email with the kiss. Should I send another and explain it was habit, a mistake … or would that compound things. Maybe I should send him another email, this time without the kiss. I could ask him about a book. Go back to our roots, as it were.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Harry Potter
Hope the weekend with the small people went well.
Looking for another book recommendation, any suggestions?
Tilly
There, no kiss. I pressed the send button. And immediately regretted it. Was that what things had come to? Relying on the next best thing to an imaginary friend to lift my mood.
Casting the computer a sour look, I stomped off towards the chaotic, tiny room with its jumble of hair dyes, perming solutions and other noxious chemicals. It was easily the worst job on the watch but that morning, it suited me perfectly. As I scoured the stained sink with an ancient bristled brush, I imagined using it on Felix’s pearly white teeth. That would teach him, wash his mouth out and make sure he never spilled another secret again.
Oh yes, the apologies had been profuse, between mouthfuls of cereal, as soon as he knew Jonno had spilled the beans. I’d slept in the spare room, mainly to ensure I didn’t give into the temptation to strangle him at some point before dawn. But it didn’t stop me thinking that I only had myself to blame.
‘Look Tilly, I’m really, really sorry that Jonno …’ Felix had peered up at me from a hunched position at the kitchen table, reminding me of a tentative turtle testing the water, wondering whether he dare pop his head out of the shell.
‘What?’ I snapped, my hands gripping the back of the wooden chair, ignoring his submissive, apologetic stance. ‘Told me?’ My voice went up several decibels. ‘Or that you sold … sold that picture to him? I can’t believe you did that. You do know I could lose my job?’
And it would be my own fault, not his. It didn’t matter what he’d done. I shouldn’t have told Felix any of the things that went on at work. That was the plain fact of the matter. I had broken the code. I should have known better, although I wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily.
Felix opened his mouth to say something.
‘Work stuff I tell you is in confidence. We’re not supposed to tell anyone. You knew that…’
‘I know … but …it just sort of came out, you know … I told him about the picture of the dancer and …’ He shrugged helplessly as if it had all been out of his control.
I clenched my fingers so tight my ring pinched at the next finger. ‘Really? And what about the money side of things? I’m not stupid, you know.’
I’d had plenty of time during a sleepless night to join all the dots.
‘I didn’t mean to…’ Felix’s eyes widened, beseeching me to believe him. ‘It just … came up in conversation. You have to believe me.’ He finished his words with another appealing sorrowful look but by that stage the puppy dog thing was wasted on me.
‘Bollocks,’ I spat. I’m not sure who was more surprised by my vehemence. It was so rare that we rowed. Was it because when it came to it, there was little for either of us to get that worked up about?
‘Look. I’m sorry. It just slipped out in front of Jonno…’
‘What and a few hundred quid just slipped into your back pocket, did they?’
The blush that stained his cheek said it all. I’d hoped it had come out by accident. Bragging that he knew something. But the minute I said that I realised, the intent had been there all along.
I stared at him, feeling disorientated. The axis of my world had tipped over. I didn’t know where I was any more.
Felix concentrated on the contents of his breakfast bowl, his spoon rescuing the last bits of cereal from the chocolate coloured milk. I scowled at the top of his head. Him and his bloody Coco Pops. He was a grown man for God’s sake.
There was silence as Felix swallowed and then looked back up. ‘No one’s going to find out. Jonno won’t reveal his source.’
I stared at him, numb, trying to find something to say. How could he believe that made it OK?
‘Tilly. You’re over-reacting.’ Felix was all wide eyed and optimistic. ‘No one knows it came from you.’ He shrugged. ‘You’re off the hook.’
‘Off the hook!’ I echoed, sitting down on the chair and putting my head in my hands. ‘You don’t get it, do you? It’s about trust.’ My voice was dull. No, it was also about personal responsibility and I had let myself down badly. ‘It’s about us. Where does this leave us? How can I trust you again?’
Felix’s shocked expression suggested none of that had occurred to him before.
I took in a deep breath. ‘Please, please tell me you didn’t tell him about Pietro. Jonno alluded to rumours about someone.’
Felix’s eyes met mine full on, wide and bright. Too bright, too wide, too keen to please all of a sudden. ‘No, I haven’t.’
A tiny bit of me inside relaxed but his next sentence cancelled it out.
‘But you said Pietro’s brother-in-law was threatening to go to the papers. Say, hypothetically, that I did, it wouldn’t have mattered. That story’s going to come out. Someone will tell all, there’s big money in it.’
His smile widened as if trying to coax me into seeing the positives. ‘Let’s face it, the money would be handy. For the wedding and…’
‘Money? Is that all you think about? I don’t want a fancy wedding.’ I twisted my engagement ring, ready to hurl the damn thing at him.
‘It wasn’t just for the wedding, there were other things.’
‘Other things! Like what?’
Felix scowled and I hated myself. I’d never wanted to be the penny-pincher but I’d been forced to be the responsible one. Even boiling mad, I had to ask. ‘What other things?’
He sighed. ‘I lost a bit too much at poker.’
‘How much?’ I had to ask even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.
He shrugged.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked, unable to believe that he’d kept all this from me.
‘I’d already … you know.’
I did, he was always short of cash. I stared searchingly at him, watching as his hand worried at the big knot in his silk tie, tugged it one way and then another.
Studying his face, I saw someone I didn’t know. What other secrets did he have? The freshly shaven jaw-line suddenly embodied weakness and although his eyes met mine, there was no sense of shame or humility in them.
I sighed and rubbed my forehead with the heel of my hand. I looked at him again.
‘You’ve done this before.’
As his gaze slid away from mine, I remembered.
The unexpected bonus six months ago, around the same time as the papers got wind of Elvira Bennetini’s top secret pregnancy. At the time, it hadn’t been so bad. She hadn’t been too upset because it had only been a matter of time. I’d happily ignored that tiny niggle that the leak was no accident.
I closed my eyes, numbed by the sense of disappointment at my own blithe ability not to probe too deeply.
No wonder he’d shown so much interest in my life at the theatre.
My heart twisted in my chest and I swallowed. There was nothing more I could say, even if I could have got the words past the blockage in my throat. I couldn’t bear another second with him or to be truthful, myself. Grabbing my coat, I fled down the stairs.
I’d slammed the front door so hard, it had bounced open again and I left it as I flounced down the street, my wide fifties skirt bouncing and the heels of my sling backs clicking furiously.
I looked down at my skirt now, it would be ruined if I spilled any of the bleach I was using to scrub the sink over it. Some part of me wanted to ruin it as a punishment. All the cleaning had made me feel better. Although, that was relative. This morning’s burning anger had gone. Now I felt numb, anaesthetised by a sense of loss. Not just Felix’s perfidy but my own spineless complicity. I desperately wanted to talk to someone.
But who? Jeanie would go ballistic. As it was I could barely bring myself to look her in the eye. Vince would be horrified. He adored Felix – his heart would be smashed to smithereens. Felix had broken the absolute number one commandment in the make-up world. And I was already in enough trouble. If management found out about this … Oh shit. Tears of self-pity welled up. God I’d really messed up.
