I look over at her and she’s smiling at the sky. I lean in a little closer to whisper in her ear, “I believe with all my heart that it was fate. And I don’t know very much about God, but I think He brought me to you for a reason. To make me see the truth, to help me let go of so much hatred and bitterness towards Tecks. He made me see that though they’re doing awful things, they’re still people and not all of them are bad. I’ve met one that is so beautiful and amazing, it hurts. So, to answer your question, I think God put us on different sides for this reason; so that we’d have to seek each other out and to help us both see things a little clearer.”
She’s still and silent for a moment, digesting everything I just said. Then, she turns her head suddenly and kisses me gently on the mouth. Her lips are soft and warm, very confident and very sure. Much better than our last kiss. I’m instantly relaxed, all anxious thoughts and worries melting away the longer her lips are touching mine. In this moment, everything is okay. There are no problems in the world, nothing we have to resolve tonight.
When she pulls away, she shakes her head, laughing and looking back at the stars, “How do you do that?” She asks.
“What?”
“Just instantly make me feel better.”
I smile, “You were feeling bad?”
“Well, I was just thinking too much, I guess. But I just couldn’t get that thought out of my head no matter what I did. And now, it’s gone.”
I smile and look back at the sky, “It doesn’t matter anyway. Even if we were on the same side together, whichever side it was, nothing would change. I would still be just as crazy about you.”
“Really? Even if we lived on my side?”
“Even then I’d still be madly in love with you. But man, if I had met you on my side, I would have done things so differently.”
She closes her eyes, the moonlight reflecting off her perfect smile, “How?”
“Well, for starters, I would have properly introduced myself without slamming you to the ground and hiding out in your shed.”
We both laugh at the memory, “Don’t forget your thievery!”
I shake my head, scoffing her words off, “Second, I would have gotten to know you. I would have brought you home to meet my family…the right way. I would have met your family and gotten to know them. I still can’t believe I haven’t met them.” I tease, flashing a cunning and knowing smile.
She laughs a little before reaching over for my hand, “And for good reason. There’s no way you’d ever pass for a Teck.”
“Still, I’d love to meet Georgie.”
“Maybe you will someday.”
“Maybe…but all in all, I would’ve courted you. Of course, after asking your father’s permission first. And then I would’ve spent every free moment with you. I would’ve learned every little detail about you, every fact. I would’ve done everything right.”
“You know everything worth knowing.” She laughs.
“I want to know everything there is to know.”
“Well, being in the woods with no one else to talk to, I’m sure you’ll get sick of learning random things about me in plenty of time.” She laughs harder.
I pull her hand up to my lips and kiss it softly, “Impossible.”
We lay there for what feels like a few minutes when it’s actually hours. We talk and laugh about anything and everything. She tells me about her day and I tell her mine. I tell her about my mother’s breakdown and how much it surprised me. She seems genuinely pleased that she and I made amends though. I guess it’s for my sake. I’ll be in a much better mood out in the woods if I know my mother isn’t dancing on my fake grave.
At some point into the short and flawless night, Willa’s head ends up on my shoulder, with my arm wrapped securely around her. She’s quiet for a long time, a stillness that’s so peaceful; I can’t bring myself to disturb her. So, I stare into the moonlit hue of her eyes, my heart skipping a beat every single time she blinks and her long, dark lashes kiss the space underneath her eyes. How could I have gone so long without knowing this girl? How could I have really lived seventeen years of life, having no idea such beauty existed? Everything about her is so remarkable; I have to force myself to look away. She’s blinding. How did I get so lucky? That’s what this is after all, my part in this beautiful partnership; dumb luck.
I stroke my thumb against the smooth skin of her cheek after her eyes have fallen shut and her breathing slows. To think…in a few short days, I’ll be falling asleep to this every night. Willa and I tucked under some sort of shelter together under the stars, sleeping the day before away. I never did anything good enough to deserve her in my life, yet I’m about to get to spend every day with her. I smile at the thought before leaning in closer to kiss her forehead.
When I can tell that the sun is only a few short hours from rising, I’m forced to wake her, pulling her out from a safer, better place. Watching Willa wake is better than watching the sun rise. One moment she’s faraway, hidden down under, and deeper than anyone could ever be able to find her. Then the next, she’s rising up out of the still, coming out of the dark. I’d settle with never seeing the sunrise again if I got to watch Willa wake up from a deep and dreamless sleep every morning.
I force myself to my feet, pulling her up with me, “You should get home before someone notices you’re missing.”
She groans as she brushes herself off, “Ugh, the day is going to be miserable.”
“I agree.” I laugh while reaching to remove a crumpled leaf from her golden hair.
“What time do you want to meet back tomorrow?”
I want to say as soon as possible but then I remember Gabe and sigh, “I promised Gabe I’d show him how to skin rabbits and such.”
“Ew.” She scrunches her nose.
“Yeah,” I laugh, “That shouldn’t take long but I also want to talk to my sisters. How about our normal time tomorrow night? Or tonight I should say. Just go home and get plenty of sleep. Spend time with your family. I’ll wait all night if that’s what you want. No need to rush.”
She smiles as she stands on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around my neck. I hold her tight for a long time, breathing in the sweet aroma of her, wondering how I’m going to be able to let her go.
“Are you scared?” I ask into her shoulder.
“To death…but I’m mostly excited.”
“Me too.” I say, prying her arms from my neck so I can cup her face in my hands and kiss her forehead, “Be safe, princess. I’ll see you soon.”
She nods, “I love you, Nathan.”
I hold her gaze before leaning in to press my lips against hers. I pull back before I want to, afraid that if I don’t stop myself now, I might never be able to let her out of my sight again. “I love you too.”
She smiles, delighted with my response, and then she drops my hand and turns to disappear once more into the forest. I wait until I can’t hear her footsteps anymore before I start back over The Wall. This is it, I tell myself, we’re going to make it now.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Willamina
We agree to meet in our clearing tomorrow at our regular time. After that, it’s off on a journey and the start of our forever. How is this possible? We had so much time and now it’s all gone. As I walk through the darkened and silenced city, I try to memorize every building, every tree, and every piece of gravel. I’m leaving. Who knows if I’ll ever come back, or what the future holds for me. I’m suddenly more terrified than I’ve ever been before. But still, there’s not a doubt in my mind as to what I should do. This is it, this is my path. For the first time in my life, I’m doing something that means something, truly means something!
I pass my old elementary school, its red brick walls welcoming and happy. Familiar and comfortable. I pass the ice cream parlor that Mia and I always went to on the first and last day of summer vacation. I pass the dress shop where I’ve stood on pedestals for fittings at my mother’s request for hours on end. I pass the communi
ty park where I’ve played and laughed with friends, day after sunny day. I pass my high school where I’ve been bored out of my mind for the last two years. One by one, I pass the monuments of what has been my life, but will be no more. Strange how important the small things are when you’re leaving them behind, when you’re losing them, when they’re no longer yours. I suppose now the clearing is mine, and the log, and soon enough the forest. The rivers and the trees, the mountains and the oceans, they’re my new normal, my new familiarity. At least they will be. All those things and Nate, of course. My new home, my new companion.
I enter my quiet house and sneak into my quiet room, only to be confronted by my not so quiet thoughts. This is my last night in this house, in this room, in this bed, and then it’s off into the unknown. A part of me wants to lock my door and never come out again, but the somewhat larger part wants to runaway now and never come back. I suppose when those two sides combine, you get what I’m doing right now. Waiting.
Many sleepless hours later, pacing from one side of the room to the other, wall to wall, nine thousand three hundred and fifty-three times –I’m ashamed to admit that I counted– the sun has risen and the house is stirring below. I can hear the maids in the kitchen making breakfast and Mother and Father’s pleasant conversation drifting down the halls like it always does. And it will continue to, I remind myself, but without me.
I walk over to the communication pad on my wall, remembering briefly the excitement I felt three years ago in this room when my parents first installed it for me. I know I have to say goodbye to Mia one last time before I can do this. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.
“Willa, are you okay?” She asks immediately upon picking up.
“I will be…” I’m shocked by how strained my voice sounds. She stays silent, waiting for me to continue. “It’s tonight.” I whisper then.
For a few torturous seconds, she doesn’t answer. I wonder at first if she doesn’t know what I’m talking about, but then she takes in a breath, and when she speaks, her voice sounds strangled.
“Okay.” Just that. Nothing else.
“Please come, Mia. Come see us off.”
There’s another pause before the strangling voice says, “I wish he wouldn’t take you.”
It’s not a cruel, accusing statement. It’s a plea. One last attempt at saving me, I suppose.
“He’s not taking me anywhere.” I reply, “He’s rescuing himself from certain destruction, and I can’t be without him. I have to go with him, even though he probably wishes I wouldn’t, I will follow him. I can’t be left behind.”
She takes another painful breath, “Midnight?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll be there. Wait for me.” And then she hangs up.
I was so excited for this day to come, but now I almost wish this dawn would last forever and dusk will never fall. I didn’t realize how bittersweet this would taste.
I watch my family throughout the day like I’m in a dream. They’re astounded when they see me coming down the stairs. I know I should be keeping up the depression façade, but I can’t bare the idea of not telling them goodbye. Well, not literally, because I settle for staying mute, but mentally, I’m letting go of each of them a little more with each passing hour. They talk, they laugh, they eat, they joke, and I watch, drinking it all in. It’s funny how clearly you can memorize one’s smile, the way their cheeks pull up around their eyes, when you know it’s the last time you’ll ever see it. I don’t want to miss this day. It’s my last.
I wonder if they’ll miss me. I wonder how long they’ll mourn my loss. I know it’ll affect Georgie the most, which makes me feel sick. I never want to hurt her but it can’t be helped now. I realize just how deeply this will wound her, and decide that saving Nate is the only cause worthy of doing that. I have to believe that with all my heart.
I listen numbly to Father and Mother sitting in the other room, having a discussion about things that don’t matter. Just yesterday, I would’ve detested that, but now, I wish they’d go on longer, just so I can hear their voices. Despite everything I should be doing upstairs to prepare for tonight, I can’t help but sit with them. I can’t leave them, not yet.
I think Georgie can tell something’s wrong, but she remains silent. Whether she actually knows or not, I’m grateful when she comes and sits in my lap like she used to when she was little. I hold her tightly, burying my face in her curly hair that smells of shampoo. I catch myself almost whispering, I’ll miss you, in her ear but I stop myself. I can’t risk that.
The day goes by too quickly. The sun has set before I’m ready, and pretty soon my mother is talking about heading to bed. I trail behind them as they make their way up the staircase. My heart starts pounding suddenly, and I feel like throwing my head over the banister and vomiting. I’m actually going to do this. I’m going to leave out those French doors tonight and never reenter.
In my room, I take up my pacing. I count the seconds, the footsteps in my head. This doesn’t feel real. I must still be walking in a dream. Certainly, I’m going to wake up any minute with two days to go. Two more trips to the clearing, two more innocent visits with that beautiful person from the other side, and two more days with my family. I don’t wake up though, and pretty soon time betrays me again.
I lace up my boots, haul my bags over my shoulders, and start down the stairs. Each step feels like an important choice, each stair is a decision, an ending and a beginning. I try not to choke on my thoughts when the undeniable truth registers; if I were to stop walking, turn around and head back to my room, fall asleep in my bed for the night, Nathan Ambers would die. How long would he wait for me? When would the soldiers come for him? Would he have another day with his family? One more night? Would he leave on his own? But even as the questions surface, I know each answer. My decision now is the result of his future. If I don’t leave home, he won’t ever return home. So, I abandon the house of my childhood, letting my free hand brush the leaves and hedges in the garden as I pass. The gate sticks slightly as I undo the latch, like a plea to stay. I keep walking.
My city seems to fade as I walk; it becomes harder to see, like watercolors washing away in the dark sky. The only thing that’s clear is forward, so that’s where I go. Forward, forward, I’ve left the city. Forward, forward, I’m in the forest. Forward, I’ve found the clearing. Forward, Nate smiles at me. Forward, straight into his arms.
He holds me close to him and I can feel the steady beat of his heart, smell the rustic scent of his clothes, and hear the gentle flow of his breath. I’ll be okay now.
He pulls me from his torso to kneel his head down. He kisses me softly, quickly, a welcome home.
I look up into his dark eyes that I’m so captivated by, “What now?” He asks.
“We have to wait for Mia.” I tell him, “I need to say goodbye.”
He nods once, “But let’s take our first step together.”
He takes my bags from my shoulders, crossing the clearing in long, flawless strides. I follow close behind and watch in strange fascination as he drops each pack over The Wall one at a time.
Everything seems to catch up with me then, everything all at once. Before I know it, I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I laugh, cold tears streaming down my face, but I’m not sad. I’m not exactly happy either. I’m feeling something far more complicated than that.
He moves to my side and wipes the tears away with his thumbs, smiling. He must understand exactly what I’m feeling.
“Here,” He puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out something wrapped in rough, leather cloth, “I got this for you at the market when I was buying our provisions. I wanted you to have something for when this moment comes. A promise from me, I guess you could say.”
I smile up at him, standing on my tip toes to plant a kiss on his cheek while my fingers move over the wrapped object, looking for a give to start unfolding at. A necklace slips out into my hand. It’s strung with clay beads that rotate between dark and
light blue with a metal pendant in the middle. The design on the pendant is swirling, complicated, and simply beautiful.
I inhale deeply, “Nate…this is gorgeous.” I look up to see his eyes and find him staring at me apprehensively.
“You really like it?” His full lips barely move as he speaks, his eyes never wavering from my face.
“I love it.”
“It has both our favorite colors so…I thought it might be nice…help us remember our time in this clearing.”
“It’s perfect. Thank you.” I lean forward and kiss him. He wraps his arms around me to prolong the kiss, but like everything else today, it’s over too quickly.
Mia marches into the clearing just as Nate finishes latching the necklace around my neck. I can tell she’s struggling to keep it together, her eyes never emerging from the forest floor.
When she reaches us, she sighs, “Just tell me again that this is really what you want.”
I take both her extended hands in mine, “It is.”
She nods once, turning to Nate, “It’s all up to you now. I’ll never know if something happens to her after this, but I trust that you’ll make sure nothing will?”
“I’ll protect her with my life.” He glances at me with a tender gaze.
Mia and I move at the same time then, hugging each other for the last time. She’s shaking in my arms but she refuses to let even one tear fall.
She lets go of me and steps back in a hurry, “You guys had better get out of here if you want a head start. There’s no telling how far they’ll search when they find out Willa’s gone.”
“You’re right.” I look Nate in the eye. He looks just as nervous as I am, but still, there’s no doubt in his eyes. No hesitation or pause.
We grasp each other’s palms, taking a step towards the ladder at the exact same time. Then another step, then another, then another, then we stop.
Nathan’s hand goes cold in mine as rustling fills the forest around us. From all sides there’s movement. Heavy footsteps that don’t even sound like they’re trying to be silent. What is that? What kind of animal could be making so much noise?
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