Shaking her head and not wanting to believe what she knew was true, she turned and ran up the stairs without so much as a glance at him.
It couldn't be real.
He couldn't be the panther.
CHAPTER 18
Kim had made it halfway along the hall before she felt him grab her arm. His grip was tight and unrelenting as she struggled to get free. Her gaze met his as she turned. There was so much pain and fear in his honey eyes, so much that it cut her to the core and she stilled.
She didn't stop him when he led her back down the hall and then into one of the rooms. It was a bedroom.
He let go of her hand and she walked to the other side of the room, and then to the bed. She held onto one of the posts to steady herself, and waited in silence for him to speak and make everything all right again.
He closed the door and sighed. She could sense the uncertainty in him, and wished that she had the courage to say what she knew he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear that whatever had been happening between them over the past few days wasn't over.
She wanted to hear it too.
But how was she supposed to deal with something like this?
Things like this didn't happen in real life. This was make-believe. This was a fantasy. Men didn't turn into panthers. It wasn't physically possible. Surely?
“I wanted to tell you...I tried,” he whispered quietly, but she heard him, and she heard all the muddled feelings behind those words. When she'd met him, he'd been so strong. Now, he looked weak and scared.
She'd made him scared. She'd taken his strength from him and had peeled back the layers to reveal the man beneath. He didn't want to lose her. That's what he'd said to his brother.
She didn't want to lose him either.
She looked at him, at the boyish look on his face and the blood on his chest. He was still bleeding, and her head was still killing her. This was all so screwed up. All she wanted to do was forget what she'd seen and pretend that he was just a normal man, but she got the impression that it wasn't an option.
He had tried to tell her.
She realised that this was what he'd wanted to say to her before they'd made love the first time. He'd tried to tell her and she'd stopped him. She didn't know how she would have reacted if he'd revealed it to her that night. She knew him so much better now, felt so connected to him, that it seemed impossible to turn her back on him.
She sat down on the end of the bed and stared at the floor.
He'd said that he'd answer any questions she had, that he'd tell her everything about him, if she'd come with him to this place. She had. Now she had so many questions that she didn't know where to begin.
“I wanted to tell you,” he said, coming across the room to her.
“How about you tell me I'm crazy...that this can't be real. It's just a dream.” She looked up at him.
He gave her a look that said it wasn't possible. “I can't lie to you.”
“Why me?” she whispered to her knees, not wanting to look at Erik and see the blood on his shirt. He needed to tend to the wounds. She'd do it if he let her, but she could feel that he needed to get things out in the open before he took care of himself. It touched her heart. It was probably hurting him to stand there with those scratches across his chest. How had he got them? Was Alistair like him?
Erik sighed heavily and she half expected him to tell her it was complicated.
She remembered him shouting at his brother. She remembered him saying that he wouldn't lose her now that he'd found her.
He'd said she was his mate.
Her mind reeled at that thought.
She stared at a spot on the carpet, letting it all slowly sink in, and letting emptiness fill her.
“I knew somehow,” she said and Erik moved again, stepping closer to her. Her gaze shifted to his feet. They were bare, dirty. “What you were...that all of this would happen. Why me? What's a mate?”
She looked at him now, right into his eyes, trying to see the explanation there so she didn't have to wait to hear it.
He knelt in front of her, between her knees, and looked up into her eyes. There was such a look of hope in his. He was probably taking how calm she was a good sign. In a way, she supposed it was. Either that or she was sinking slowly into dementia and that's why this all made sense on some level and didn't freak her out as much as she felt it should have.
“Because we belong together, Kim.” His voice was soft, soothing. It drew the smallest of smiles out of her. He looked so noble kneeling before her and it made her feel as though he was holding his heart out to her, asking her to love him for what he was and understand as best she could, begging her not to leave him. “We're meant to be. It's destiny. When I said that I've been waiting my whole life for you, I was telling you the truth. A mate comes around once in a lifetime. We were chosen for each other. Think of it as a soul mate.”
“A soul mate.” She frowned as she tried to take it in. “And the dreams? You said we shared those.”
“We do now. I've had them for twenty-seven years,” he said it as though it was perfectly normal.
Her frown intensified as she calculated it in her head. “Since you were seven?”
“No,” he said with a smile. “We age differently to others, slower. Now that I've matured, I won't age any more. Thirty four years has been more like fifty.”
“Oh,” she said, still trying to take it all in and finding it increasingly difficult. She looked into his eyes, at his open expression. He was trying to be honest with her and she silently thanked him for that. She preferred that he was honest, even if it meant she thought she was going insane. “I haven't had the dreams all my life. Is that normal?”
He hesitated. Clearly there was something else she didn't know.
“You're in heat.”
He'd said it so fast that it had been nothing but a blur, one word. Her brows rose and she pursed her lips. Okay. She was in heat. God knows what that meant.
“It just means you're receptive to your mate. It's a mating call. You wouldn't notice because you're human, but others like me do. I do.” He was still talking fast and the look of panic was back in his eyes.
“How?” she said.
He cringed. “I can smell it, sense it.”
“Okay.” She nodded again, not quite sure what to make of the fact that there were apparently other panther people in the world and they could all smell that she wanted a man. Great. She frowned. No wonder Alistair had been coming on to her.
Her head ached.
“I think I'm still unconscious.”
He smiled up into her eyes, his look softening again, and reached up to touch her cheek but stopped himself. She wished he'd touch her. She needed to feel that all this was real.
“This isn't a dream. You felt the connection...you're my mate.”
She furrowed her brows, confused but desperate to understand. She always felt the connection between them and had always known it was more than just a physical attraction. It ran deep, right down to her soul and into the very depths of her heart.
“What does that mean? I'm not like you,” she said.
“You can be.”
“No, I can't. I don't know what you are...I don't understand this. I've been seeing things and now I know what I saw was through your eyes.” She looked away from him, at the far wall, and kept her gaze fixed there. “All these feelings...is this me, are they real, or is this all just because of this mating stuff? Do you really feel the way you do, do you see me as you would if it wasn't for all of this?”
He caught hold of her cheek and brought her eyes back to his. “Kim, listen to me.”
She nodded, blinking back tears as she struggled to calm herself again.
“You're beautiful. The way I feel about you has nothing to do with the mating because it hasn't even begun properly yet. We're all born to love one person. You and I are just lucky to have that one person revealed to us.”
She swallowed hard but her throat remained
dry. Was he saying that he loved her? Did she love him? Could she love him?
She looked at his hands. So many times she'd seen them change in her dreams and she'd never been frightened. Now she was so scared, but she didn't fear what he was. She was scared of her feelings.
“I'd never hurt you,” he whispered. “Not even when I'm changed.”
Her gaze met his and she tried to let him see that she believed him, even if she couldn't find her voice to say it. He'd protected her from Alistair. He'd done nothing but take care of her since he met her. She knew in her heart that he'd never let anyone hurt her, especially himself.
“Show me,” she said quietly, not quite sure whether she really wanted to see it or not. She felt terrible inside when he gave her a look of confused hurt and she realised that commanding him to change made him feel like a freak. “Please? I just want to understand, to believe this is real.”
He nodded and stood.
Her heart was pounding against her chest as he stepped away from her. Its rhythm was erratic, her breathing coming in short gasps as the tension in the room elevated. She didn't know what to expect and her mind raced through all the scenarios it could imagine.
Her attention was immediately with him when he removed his shirt and then pulled the strings on his linen trousers. She watched them drop around his ankles and he stepped out of them. She supposed it did make sense to be naked before changing. It wasn't like panthers wore clothes.
He gave her a little smile before divesting himself of his underwear. Her eyes lingered there and it was hard to remind herself just why he was standing nude before her.
He took a deep breath and held it.
Was he nervous? She was. Her whole body was trembling, her hands shaking where they gripped the edge of the bed.
“Don't be frightened,” he said with a pleading look.
She stopped breathing when thick black satiny fur began to appear on the backs of his hands. The look he was giving her made her heart ache. There was so much sorrow in it mixed with so much hope that she would understand. She wanted to.
The bones of his body began to shift and she saw his jaw tense, his brows meeting in a frown. Did it hurt? She was fascinated as she watched the fur sweep over him, his bones adjusting and a tail appearing as he bent down. The noises were horrible, terrifying. It sounded as though he was breaking himself for her. Before she knew it, there was a panther before her, standing in the middle of Erik's clothes.
And she wasn't scared at all.
The panther moved towards her.
She smiled when it looked at her, wanting to reassure him that his changing hadn't frightened her.
“Are you house trained?” she said in a tight voice, not sure what else to say to him when he was in this form.
The panther growled at her, a disdainful look in his golden eyes.
“I'm sorry,” she said as he turned away from her. He turned back around and brushed his long thick tail across her knees. She shrugged and smiled. “It's defence mechanism humour.”
He paced across the room, looking at her occasionally.
“You'd make a great guard dog...cat...I'm not sure what to call you.”
He reared onto his back legs and growled as he began to change back. It looked just as painful as when he'd changed into the animal. Suddenly, Erik was standing naked before her.
“Just call me Erik,” he said and picked up his underwear, slipping them on. She was thankful for his modesty. She would never be able to concentrate when he was nude around her.
“Did something bite you to make you like that?” She tried to think about all the movies she'd seen with werewolves in it. “Are you like a werewolf...a werepanther...do you change when it's a full moon?”
He laughed and went to the bathroom. She watched him get some things out of the cupboard and then come back to her.
“Let me,” she said as he unscrewed the lid of the antiseptic.
She was surprised that he did. He came over and knelt before her, holding the bottle and cotton wool out to her. Taking them, she doused the cotton ball with the antiseptic and then carefully applied it to the scratches on his chest. He sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth and winced.
“Sorry,” she muttered and lightened her strokes. The cuts weren't deep, but they had bled all down his chest. She focused on her work and let him speak. It was probably best this way. He could get it all off his chest while she got all this blood off it too. Tending to him made it all feel a little more normal.
“I don't change with the moon,” he said in quiet voice.
A glance at him revealed that he was watching her hands, a tender expression on his face. She could almost feel his relief that she wasn't running away. She couldn't even if she wanted to. Instinct was telling her to stay and her legs weren't cooperating.
“We're not werepanthers. We're shape-shifters. Lycans. I wasn't bitten either. Although you can change that way. With my family, it's hereditary. It's a gene passed down through the bloodline.” He took another sharp breath. She smiled an apology into his eyes and began cleaning up the dried blood. “My mother was a panther like me. Father was like Alistair, a puma. Myself and Alistair carry both of the genes—for panther and puma. What we change into is just the dominant gene. If a shape-shifter impregnates a human, there's a chance the child will carry the gene successfully but there's an equal chance that the gene will make it sick, in which case they'll need to be properly turned into a lycan by one of the same species.”
“Is that what the paragraph is about?” She saw him nod. It all made sense to her now. Alistair was promiscuous and in all probability, he would end up fathering a child at some point, and from the stories she'd been told, it was likely to be with a human. “If his blood doesn't match, if the dominant gene is panther, he wants you to change it.”
“I said it was complicated.” He smiled, a fleeting one that made the air in the room and her heart feel lighter.
She finished cleaning the cuts on his chest and looked at them. They didn't show any sign of starting to bleed again. Her fingers traced the edges of the wounds. She ached inside to see them and to know he'd got them defending her.
“Erik?” she whispered to his chest.
“Yes, Kim?” he breathed her name so softly that she melted inside.
Looking into his eyes, she took hold of his hands, threading their fingers together and pressing her palms against his. She needed to feel him, wanted his arms around her so she would know that the feelings he'd always shown for her were still there inside of him. She had to know that if she was going stay with him, that everything between them was going to be all right. She needed to know she'd be safe, and that he'd always protect her in this new world she'd be entering.
“Kiss me?” she pleaded.
He got up onto his knees and, still holding her hands tightly, pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. He was shaking. She didn't mind. She was shaking too. She closed her eyes when his kiss grew bolder, his lips parting, and hers parted too, allowing her tongue to meet his. It was tender, reaffirming feelings that she'd known were still there between them, regardless of what he was and what was happening. When he kissed her like this, she didn't care about anything but being with him. Whatever happened in life, she could cope with it if she had him at her side.
When he broke the kiss, she kept hold of his hands and stared into his eyes.
“Erik?” she said. “What's a mating?”
He smiled, as though he'd been waiting for her to find the courage to ask.
“It's the affirmation of a bond between us, deeper than the connection that we have now. When you're in heat is the only time I can change you without hurting you.”
“I need to be like you for this mating to happen?” She was glad he didn't laugh at her question. This was all so strange but she was beginning to grasp it.
“Yes,” he said with a nod of his head and stood up. “The things you've been seeing...the visions and the times you've witnessed thin
gs through my eyes...it's all because of the mating. It wants to be completed, but while I thought you were ready for all of this two days ago, now I'm not so sure.”
“I'm not ready?” She frowned briefly and thought about it. Was she ready to give up her normal life and become like him? “What happens if you don't change me?”
“Then life goes back to normal. The dreams will gradually become more intermittent until the day they stop.”
“You mean this is our only chance?”
He smiled at her. “No, not at all. The cycle is eternal. If we don't mate this time, in two or three years there'll be another chance. You'll know because the dreams will begin again.”
“Oh.” She looked at her knees. “What's to stop you changing me...or changing on me when we're together...doing...you know.”
She again expected him to laugh, but his look was deadly serious.
“I'd never force you, Kim. Never. I'm yours to command.” He gave her an odd look and then walked over to a set of drawers. She leaned to one side, trying to see what he was taking out of the top drawer. Her eyes widened when he turned back to face her and held up a pair of handcuffs. “You had the dream, the same as I did.”
He walked towards her, holding the cuffs out for her to take.
“I need you to trust me,” he said and placed the cuffs into her hands.
They were cold and hard, not at all sexy looking like they had been in the dream. They made a chill run through her. She looked up into his eyes.
“I won't hurt you. I would never change on you, and I would never change you against your will. I trust you, and this is the only way for you to see that. I'll surrender to you...”
She looked at the cuffs again. She wanted to. The intensity of that dream had stayed with her and she wanted to experience it firsthand. He had to know that she trusted him and believed everything he said. She had to show him.
But she was scared.
CHAPTER 19
Erik watched her staring at the cuffs and wondered if he'd done enough to prove to her that he was worthy of her trust and the feelings he knew she held for him. This wasn't exactly how he'd planned on her finding out about his primal side, but so far it had gone relatively smoothly. She hadn't freaked out anywhere near as much as he'd been expecting. There was a quiet acceptance about her. She'd said that she'd known what he was somehow. He'd never hidden it from her in their visions. Maybe he should've changed fully there and she would've known for sure what he was.
In Heat (In Heat Shapeshifter Romance Series #1) Page 16
